To resent my own family as they have more money than me?

[tacitonius]

AIBU? Ok maybe resent is not the correct word. I guess like everyone I just feel it’s unfair, that I have to work so hard for things given to others for nothing. I’m sure most people work hard.

My grandparents grew up in naice houses with domestic help. My dad too grew up with a stay at home mum and a dad who ran a family business, with cleaners and went to Eton but certainly not rich. upper middle class I suppose the pedants on mn would call it.

He was bought a very small house on a housing estate, where I was brought up. He worked around 30 hours a week and brought home a decent salary, we had holidays and I always had new school uniform. My mum worked very hard and did everything, absolutely everything around the house. He would always be abroad fishing or at the pub, where he would pretend to be from a normal working class background to fit in. Like the vast majority of the population, I went to a dire local comprehensive. We were always skint.

It seems he had everything and gave nothing.

Now working 50 hours a week and “highly educated” and making a good salary, I’ll still be unlikely to afford a decent lifestyle similar to his or be able to afford more than a tiny 2 bed flat here.

I think YANBU - he let you grow up in poverty

He was bought a very small house on a housing estate, where I was brought up. He worked around 30 hours a week and brought home a decent salary, we had holidays and I always had new school uniform

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

That is NOT poverty. How rich you must be to think that holidays and NEW school uniform are the hallmark of poverty.

BTY, my two oldest were told about the money and property as I wanted to know what they felt about it. I explained that there would be enough to buy them a house each, if I went after my ‘share’. Strangely enough, I was worried that they might resent me for not grabbing my ‘inheritance’, in order to help them. They BOTH, without hesitation, told me to forget about it. That they want to earn their own way in life, like me, and no money was worth letting ‘those people’ any influence on our lives. My four children came from parents who abused/neglected them, before coming to me. They’ve also watched me nurse my terminally ill husband. Maybe that’s the difference between them and you OP.

Your ordinary life looks like a privileged upbringing, when compared to theirs. Your life has made you jealous and resentful, theirs has made them generous and grateful. Which life would have preferred?

There's a difference between being selfish/resentful and just needing a bit of understanding once in a while.

I don't think we can generalise about OP, she may just be having a temporary whinge, which we're all allowed to do.

OTOH maybe it's spelled winge? AIBU not to know how to spell it?

It sounds as though he’s a very selfish man. My mother used to crow on at me about her superior education in a very prestigious grammar school (still is today) whilst simultaneously sending me to a secondary modern, which would have been in special measures had this existed. So failing failing.

Ok I borderline failed my 12+ due to lack of self belief and giving up. But as a result I only left that school with 5 o levels and a bunch of CSE 1’s as there was only funding for 5..... and my parents had the money to send me privately. I was probably the kid from the wealthiest background at my school as no other wealthy enough parents were enough of arseholes to send their kids there. I cannot express enough how underprepared I was for A levels.

This amongst many other things made me feel like a second class citizen. However much money Dh and I now have and despite having been to university (unlike her), the feelings don’t leave.

Your father was an idle narc

WTAF? He worked and she says brought home a decent salary, she says they had holidays, new uniforms etc, she then says they were always skint. Her definition of skint and mine is clearly very different.

It's up to her parents how they managed their lives. It's not for her to decide their decisions were wrong and she should get more more more.

When I was in my 20s, many people were given deposits for London flats by their parents, it wasn't particularly uncommon. Deposits back then were maybe 3k. Some parents had scrimped to get that together for their child, but even so, it was not a really huge amount, unlike deposits today.

I am 60. I knew many people like your dad, much of my wider family is similar.

I suspect that what you're actually pissed off about is the appalling mess the economy is in, the ridiculous, bloated cost of housing and the general impossibility of seeing decent returns on savings,

My upbringing could be described as impoverished middle-class: a lot of value placed on literature, art and music but not much money around. But my education, my tastes and my overall direction in life meant that I have spent a lot of time with people who have a huge cushion of inherited wealth behind them. I have had moments of feeling a bit galled that they could take risks and bounce back from failures in a way that I just could not afford to do. They had a family home in London, good connections, parents willing to pay their rent while they got their career underway....it's not called the glass floor for nothing! I saw my university friends heading off to be actors, stage managers, art gallery assistants etc whereas I knew that I just had to be so much more sensible in my choices.

I have also been on the fringes of a circle where people were brought up with a top public school education, inherited wealth and a very lovely lifestyle. In their twenties, many of them were extremely cocky. Meeting them again in their forties, it was quite interesting to notice that a number of them were living a lifestyle that wasn't really comparable to what they had experienced growing up. Property prices and school fees are astronomical now compared to the 60s and 70s. Divorce had sliced through the wealth of some. The rules around recruitment processes in most big organisations mean that people, on the whole, can't get in just for being 'the right sort' - you have to compete openly with others and be good enough to do the job. The unimpeded path that existed 40 odd years ago now has a few barriers in its way.

I think it is also helpful to consider where significant mid-20th century inherited family wealth might ultimately come from. Land? A lot of that was gained by enclosing common spaces. Industry? The industrial revolution, slavery or perhaps producing goods/supplies during the two world wars. Agriculture? The corn laws kept prices high to favour the seller, while people struggled to buy food. I know this is simplistic, but perhaps only the money we generate in our own lifetime can be regarded as truly ours.

I think try to a) make your peace with your father's decision making and b) focus on your own career. The game is long and no one decides who is the winner.

So you wish that your Dad would have worked harder so you could have enjoyed a better lifestyle and inherit a better property?

Why don't YOU work harder so that YOU make more money and buy a better property?

Mummyoflittledragon, the op's home life cannot be compared to yours! Yours was far worse, dreadful. The op's by comparison was relatively normal if not quite up to the standard she would have liked.

Maybedoctor, lovely post.

DistanceCall, I think the op is doing what you suggest in your last post . Good for her. Right now she is reflecting on what seems like an uphill struggle but tomorrow the glass may be half full.

I just can't understand what you are upset about Your father sounds like he didn't put in as much effort as your mother did. By your own admission he brought in a decent wage you had a holiday every year and a new school uniform yet you say you were always skint!! This doesn't sound like a skint household to me. You then say you went to a "dire comprehensive" well they must have done something right as you say you are highly educated earning a good salary!! What exactly is the problem here? You haven't said what you do for a living but maybe depending on where you are living will determine what type of property you can afford, especially if you are purchasing alone. To be honest you sound bitter and resentful towards your father. Time to get on with life like we all do on a daily basis and make the most of what we have. Let go of this bitterness and resentment life is too short to continue like this. If I feel sorry for anyone in your scenario it's your poor mother

jesstan2, that may be so. But she resents that her father wasn't as well off as she would have liked him to be.

Her father gave her a good home and a good education. Resenting his career choices (which weren't ruinous) and the fact that he wasn't ambitious is really not fair.

You can choose your own attitude but you can't dictate how other people might feel.

Exactly. The OP chose her attitude. I'm not dictating how anyone should feel simply pointing out that people are in control of their own perspective.

jesstan
Sorry I wasn’t trying to make it about my childhood. Just trying to explain how op may feel inferior.

I don't understand why she feels inferior. We grew up in poverty due to some tragic occurances and my father going down hill fast following it. My wider family were wealthy and well respected. There was little help because he didn't want it.

I simply grew up not wishing to live like that. I also saw what it could be like and took responsibility. I don't resent my father for his inability to feed us at times, to be unable to put a roof over our heads, I just thank god im an adult and now in control.

I can't understand someone who had new uniforms, a home, holidays, meals. and still it's not enough for them , a grown adult who thinks it was their parents job to provide for them as both child and adult.

I honestly find it distasteful, lacking in personal responsibility, grabby,, selfish and overly entitled.

I can sympathise with both view points. Clearly we don’t just work to fill our children’s coffers (and I’m 😒 at the children of the poster who seem to resent their retiring early) but many parents work hard to provide for their family and improve their position (what exactly that constitutes can take many forms - for some that could be working more and for others less, for some State school for others ponies and private school). To feel that your father just coasted along with the benefit of what his parents gave him could be aggravating. But I suspect that cones as part of a wider set of issues to do with the type of person and father he is.

Ultimately though we all make our own future and some with more help than others. You have to make your peace with that! At least you had a decent education ultimately and gave done well. Count blessings and all that.