To resent my own family as they have more money than me?

[tacitonius]

AIBU? Ok maybe resent is not the correct word. I guess like everyone I just feel it’s unfair, that I have to work so hard for things given to others for nothing. I’m sure most people work hard.

My grandparents grew up in naice houses with domestic help. My dad too grew up with a stay at home mum and a dad who ran a family business, with cleaners and went to Eton but certainly not rich. upper middle class I suppose the pedants on mn would call it.

He was bought a very small house on a housing estate, where I was brought up. He worked around 30 hours a week and brought home a decent salary, we had holidays and I always had new school uniform. My mum worked very hard and did everything, absolutely everything around the house. He would always be abroad fishing or at the pub, where he would pretend to be from a normal working class background to fit in. Like the vast majority of the population, I went to a dire local comprehensive. We were always skint.

It seems he had everything and gave nothing.

Now working 50 hours a week and “highly educated” and making a good salary, I’ll still be unlikely to afford a decent lifestyle similar to his or be able to afford more than a tiny 2 bed flat here.

The cookie crumbles differently for every person, even within families. You surely don't resent your dad for having a more privileged upbringing than you? He may not have been a high flyer, op, and settled for what he knew he could achieve rather than strive for something more and being stressed. Not a bad idea.

It also sounds as though your upbringing was quite normal, certainly not bad. You may not have had a lot but you had a decent life, holidays and the like and your parents did own their house, you weren't living on a sink estate.

Are you happy? That's the most important thing and as far as finances go, they'll improve as you get older. Not everyone is given a house deposit, I know people with extremely well off parents who were given virtually nothing and others who feel constantly beholden because of monetary gifts. I doubt, from what you say, your parents could have afforded to do that (£60,000+ for a deposit nowadays!). Anyway, that isn't important. If and when you get to the stage of having children you can put a bit away for their futures especially if you inherit some a bit later.

You say you know you are being ungrateful, I don't see it like that because I don't believe any child should have to be grateful for what they are given by parents. Most do the best they can.

I think I get you OP.

In theory we all want better for our kids than we had for ourselves. So I grew up poor, knowing somethings were too expensive like school trips. For numerous reasons we're never going to attain middle class "wealth" but I'd like my kids to grow up financially secure and with better money skills than I had.

Your Dad grew up going to private school, upper middle class, not wanting for much. For whatever reason he then chose a working class life, buying on a council estate and not "keeping up" the class he was raised in. You therefore were raissd working class which goes against my earlier point.

Perhaps the "money" your grandparents had wasn't real, lots of debt and keeping up appearances and your DDad thought it better to live in credit but "poorer". Perhaps he wasn't academically smart enough for a high earning career or enjoyed spending on himself more than providing for his family.

Whatever choices thry made, it's pointless resenting it. You wer, hopefully, raised in love. Your crappy comprehensive still led to a good career. You earn well. If you can't afford a house on a good wage we'll most of the reasons for that are the govt not your Dad's.

Try and focus on what he DID provide, and your Mum, and all that you've achieved despite not being given it all easily

You’re luckier than many. You grew up with both parents around, a decent home and clothes in your back. Your Father may have had an expensive education, but whether or not he wanted to use it is up to him. He’s the one your mum chose. Why didn’t she work harder? Why didn’t you work harder? You make it sound as though you’ve had no agency in your own life.

Time to stop blaming your father and look to yourself. Focus on the things he did right, not the things you feel he could have done.

YABU. You’re in the drivers seat for your life. If you want to earn lots, you have to plan and take some risks. He chose to have a pleasant, quiet life, and gave you an ordinary level of financial security to work your way from. After that, it was up to you.

I have a similar situation - not the Eton side, but DF who had a huge inheritance and has essentially just spanked it all and not worked for a very long time. It is 100% his right to do so and I support that, however it does sometimes sting when seemingly all my friends are given 'help' here and there (you only have to look at the threads on here to see how some adult dc are hugely subsidised and in many ways you're right, we can never catch up) and we got nothing.

However, we were very lucky to grow up in the time of free university and the scrag end of the student grant (parents divorced so was ironically eligible for this, and even more ironically hardship funds!) which current students don't get.

I think that if you're middle aged (still young though! still definitely young!) it's easy to look back and see some people had it easier in what was for SOME people in SOME ways an easier time. But then I look at the millennials - priced out of my industry or doing truly insane commutes into central london to make it work, saddled with student debt, insecure environment due to current brexit negotiations or lack thereof and about to have their ability to move flexibly round the EU to better their lot curtailed and think, well it could have been a LOT worse.

Is the bigger issue:

• taking what was given, then taking it easy without passing that help down the line as DGPs might have expected?
• taking it easy whilst your DM ran herself ragged?

My husband and I were discussing this the other day. People who grow up experiencing/seeing family live a naice lifestyle can't seem to make the adjustment to real life and having to earn for themselves.

I don't think YABU OP. He didn't earn that money so he shouldn't have seen it as his to spend. It was old, family money so the least he could do is not squander it so it would stay in the family.

For example dh's sister grew up with naice holidays, large house, given everything, but at mid 20s can't afford that lifestyle herself so complains all the time.

Yes you are right, I should be happy with my bit. He is academically very bright, but decided to do four years of travelling and drugs and parties after flopping his a levels.

I still do resent the fact that any penny I would spend as a teenager (that I earnt!) would be harshly judged. I worked full time on a year off after school and paid for a once in a life time trip with every penny that I had earnt. To this he was furious saying I should pay my way, whilst 30 years previously he was bank rolled by mum and dad.

I guess it is a sense of entitlement too, knowing that you are the only ones in one side of a family to live a working class upbringing as a child whilst everyone else in the family were living the upper middle class lifestyle.

I think the main issue is that your dad was an arse, to be honest

Sorry if that was harsh

I think some people resent other people's money and some don't. You're obviously one of the former OP.

Rather than comparing yourself to people who had more, why not focus on people who had less and aren't feeling hard done by?

Your dad being a bit of a deadbeat is a separate issue.

Is the issue here more about how your father treated you and your mother, he was spending his money and his time on himself while the rest of you had limited (but sufficient?) means? If so that's understandable, and certainly doesn't make you a snowflake (horrible term).

Is it less about money and more that he didn't play the father role particularly well?

OK, your dad spent time self-indulging as you put it. That was his choice in life and his decision. If your mum couldn't do anything about it or chose not to do anything about it, then there is even less that you can do about it now. Just move on with your life and build your own present and future the best way you know how. Don't think of it in terms of your dad's potential to have done other things. Think of it in terms of your own potential.

If your dad spent all his time self-indulging, it doesn't sounds like there was a great deal he could have given you anyway. He just lived his life how he fancied living it, which, come to think of it, is what we should all be doing because we all only have one life.

My dad worked all hours God sends but, in the end, still left us with nothing. Your situation could have been similar. Would it make you any happier? I don't think so. Plus, you have no idea what your dad could or couldn't do. There is effort and then there is luck too. Effort doesn't always guarantee the right set of circumstances for success.

So I really think you should just move on and get on with your own life. We all can only do and act according to what we know at the time. If we knew better, we would all do better.

It's mindset. Maybe the money hacks, skills...tips and tricks weren't passed onto him through his parents. And unable to pass to you.

Read, read,read, read and learn. Then pass on the tips and tricks to your children and family.

I think the main issue is that your dad was an arse, to be honest

Yep, this.

Shame MN didnt exist when your mum was working 2 jobs to make ends meet while he was on holidays abroad......

OP I do empathise.

It seems like you dad had a privileged lifestyle growing up and was probably spoiled money-wise. And maybe he had it too easy, that he doesn't seem to work very hard to provide his own children so same privilege. Particularly you mentioned that you see other people around living a much better lifestyle. Of course you would feel resentful that you weren't given the same.

I'm guessing as well that your dad isn't aware of these feelings you have and maybe doesn't want to know. There are studies about "boarding school syndrome" - people who went to boarding school and growing up lacking warmth and empathy because of what they had to deal with since a very young age.

With that said, I also agree with some other posters in that you will have to face those resentment and try to make your own way in life.

I share some of your frustrations and one thing I try to do is to provide a much better environment for my own children, which helps a lot. Good luck OP

How dare he provide for his family AND enjoy his life.....

What a horrible attitude. I bet your parents more disappointed in you turning out to be so entitled then you are of them not putting everything on a silver platter for you.

Your dad earned money and you had what you needed. You didn't live in poverty so I don't understand why you're so sad? Some people have had terrible childhoods. I think youre resentful because you wished that he had saved up more to be able to give you money for a deposit for a home. But lots of people don't get help. You shouldn't compare yourself to others. You save up and do what you can, and be thankful for what you do have.

I don’t think her Dad was an arse to have contributed a family home, presumably mortgage free? If anyone in the dynamic should feel hard done by surely it’s her DM?

OP he worked 30 hours, he wasn’t sitting around doing nothing.

If you had more money would you work 30 hours or 50? You sound horribly entitled, it could be the people that you are associating with that you have referred to.

Who paid for you to go through college and University? Are you an only child?

Blimey I can't imagine being resentful of my own parents just because they were better off than me,unless I hated them for other reasons of course. You say you had new school uniform and holidays as a child,yet say you were skint? How does that tally up? Is it the fact that you think your mum was your dad's skivvy your real problem here? Did she work by the way? Or are you just pissed off because you think he should have saved money to buy you a house instead of spending it on his hobbies? I'm sorry but you do come across as a bit spoilt and really entitled to me.

How dare he provide for his family AND enjoy his life.....

He didn't. Read the OP.

I understand OP!

My parents inherited two houses, one from each of their parents and bought their house at rock bottom price. My dad retired at 48 and my mum was a SAHM for almost 20 years. My dad has sold the houses and lived off/spent the inheritance they received. He thinks his children shouldn't expect any inheritance and we're greedy and grabby for doing so. He can't see how lucky he has been and bizarrely doesn't want his children to have the same.

^
What NutElla said.