To resent my own family as they have more money than me?

[tacitonius]

AIBU? Ok maybe resent is not the correct word. I guess like everyone I just feel it’s unfair, that I have to work so hard for things given to others for nothing. I’m sure most people work hard.

My grandparents grew up in naice houses with domestic help. My dad too grew up with a stay at home mum and a dad who ran a family business, with cleaners and went to Eton but certainly not rich. upper middle class I suppose the pedants on mn would call it.

He was bought a very small house on a housing estate, where I was brought up. He worked around 30 hours a week and brought home a decent salary, we had holidays and I always had new school uniform. My mum worked very hard and did everything, absolutely everything around the house. He would always be abroad fishing or at the pub, where he would pretend to be from a normal working class background to fit in. Like the vast majority of the population, I went to a dire local comprehensive. We were always skint.

It seems he had everything and gave nothing.

Now working 50 hours a week and “highly educated” and making a good salary, I’ll still be unlikely to afford a decent lifestyle similar to his or be able to afford more than a tiny 2 bed flat here.

YABU

But your mother has every right to feel aggrieved. He sounds like a shit husband.

I think YANBU - he let you grow up in poverty whilst working part time and pissing away family money abroad and leaving your mum to take on two jobs to survive. He sounds like a lazy bastard. He must have known the impact of his decisions and behaviour but did it anyway. Selfish IMO.

The crux of it is you are now working with people whose parents have provided them with deposits or payments towards deposit and you feel hard done by.

Presumably your grandparents provided their drop out son with enough to get by on. It was he who chose to live his life in the way he did. You had a secure home, both parents and lived without wondering where food and school shoes would come from but want us to sympathise because you haven't been given £30K to give you a head start.

Poor you!

"I guess it is a sense of entitlement too"

That and comparison is really, as said, the theif of joy.

I grew up in an abusive household, that really takes the life off you, that you should have had.

Put more value in more than money. Value time spent with people, happy times, holidays.

Do you now mix with MC people? I know lots of upper WC who do and come to resent their childhoods. My Sister is mixing with people who've done life differently and now has loads of regrets. It's causing her depression.

All she needs to do is change her thinking and she'd be a lot happier.

You have choices. You can make changes, move etc.

Your issue might be with your Dad, but your title says, Family. Value what your Mother did. You say you had holidays? What year was this? For many families, that isn't being skint.

Your Dad possibly shouldn't have had children, we can't judge how selfish he was. But many Men in years gone by, would spend what should have been Family money, on their own wants.

Personally, I think a bit of blessing counting would help.

Particularly you mentioned that you see other people around living a much better lifestyle. Of course you would feel resentful that you weren't given the same.

Why 'of course' she would be resentful?

Wherever you are in the world there will always be people with more money than you. But there will also always be people with less.

You can either count your blessings that you have what you have, or feel envious and hard done by that other people have more.

It's entirely down to your own mindset as to whether you feel resentful or grateful.

Did she work by the way?

The OP has said that she did everything at home and took a second job to bring in money. (First and second OP posts)

you just come across as entitled tbh. most parents raise their dc to be independent adults to go out and earn their money not rely on inheritances and hand outs. i for one, am not prepared to live an impoverished old age, worrying if i can afford the heating and basic food just so i can give my dc a few quid when i shuffle off.

X post.

I'm seeing this resentment more and more, now the different 'classes' mix.

It's tough shit, some people will have more money/help etc than you and even more will have a lot less.

I think YANBU - he let you grow up in poverty

He was bought a very small house on a housing estate, where I was brought up. He worked around 30 hours a week and brought home a decent salary, we had holidays and I always had new school uniform

That is not poverty.

So you had a stable home and a devoted mother, who has supported you and encouraged you to become 'highly educated' which enables you to do whatever the hell you want. How about you stop complaining and make your own money to support your own lifestyle, rather than gripe about daddy frittering away the family fortune.

Xpost with Birdsgottafly - yes.

What age is your father? Some people's schooling was incredibly abusive, perhaps he needed time to recover from that/rejected that lifestyle and vowed never to inflict it on their children. Which essentially what my father did.
It had a huge effect on his life and his children's.

You don't just inherit money from your parents, but also attitudes and aspirations. Perhaps it's these things that have allowed you to be a successful "london lawyer or NHS consultant" and to have married a similarly high achieving person.

Reading your post I wonder if your feelings are about the lack of commitment your dad made to his family and his children, possibly as a result of having had a relatively comfortable life himself with no real money worries, and some issues of his own. Maybe he felt unable to live up to his background.

But on top of the financial aspect he doesn’t seem to have given you much attention either - which is hurtful.

Xenia-Eg why are you not a London lawyer on £100k (may be you are but we don't know) or an NHS consultant...?

• may be OP is

-Either this is the smuggest glibbest thing I've read in a long while or its a clever dig at the OP regarding her father's apparent poor career choices and how they are not really choices. It is not a simple choice, as I'm sure you know. You need the right schooling, the right support, the right set of talents, good physical and mental health, live in the right area and a big dollop of luck to land these posts. -or you are Marie Antoinette 'let them eat cake' reincarnated

OP, maybe you feel that your father let go of advantages he had which he could have passed on to you. Maybe he chose the easy road. Maybe he couldn't cope with a harder road. Maybe is was a selfish man and a poor father figure.

Life is harder now in terms of cost of living, especially housing, and traditional careers and educational achievements are not creating lifestyles that our parents would have expected from them. This is a mismatch of expectations.

I guess you have to look forward rather than backwards and appreciate the riches that a good education gives you, most of which cannot be counted purely in monetary terms.

Value what your Mother did

Yes this. Your father was a self centred spender, your mother sounds like the opposite. Take her as your model.

Similar situation here.
My DPS had their house bought them yet my mum is always banging on about how she hopes we are charging DD enough board even though she knows we don't need the money and she is saving for a deposit.
Plenty of snowflakes in dps generation.
Funny that GPS left us equal amount to DPS in their will.
However being bought up to be financially independent asap and seeing some of DPS choices has helped me and DH strive and do well for ourselves regardless.

My parents had to leave school when they were 14, I was the first one in my family to go to University after my (state) education. They helped me out when they could but not to the extent of buying me a car or a house. When my Dad died I had a modest inheritance i.e. not liable to Inheritance tax.

You should be prepared to pay your own way and anything on top of that is a blessing.

You shouldn't be feeling sad for yourself but for your mother. She gave everything whilst your dad was clearly not as committed, money wise at least.
This has nothing to do with how you live your life now. You are not entitled to anything.

If you had siblings who were getting deposits for their flats but not you, I could maybe understand but you just seem to be throwing a tantrum because your dad won't help you out.

You've been "highly educated" presumably at his expense and have a good salary? and you're complaining about what exactly?

These are different times. Very few people can afford stay at home mums or "help".
It's rubbish in comparison but be thankful for the equality.

I think the main issue is that your dad was an arse, to be honest.
^ ^
This

Shame MN didnt exist when your mum was working 2 jobs to make ends meet while he was on holidays abroad......

How dare he provide for his family AND enjoy his life.....

Did he though? I can see the OP's point. Actually if OP's mum was working 2 jobs whilst he was swanning off abroad, drinking money away down the pub and going fishing, whilst living in the house provided by his parents, how much was he providing for his family and how much was he really just living the high life he was used to whilst OP's mum worked hard.

If your dad spent all his time self-indulging, it doesn't sounds like there was a great deal he could have given you anyway. Well if he wasn't self indulging and going abroad on the family money whilst his wife worked two jobs and did everything else then maybe he could have given OP a lifestyle more similar to his growing up.

He just lived his life how he fancied living it, which, come to think of it, is what we should all be doing because we all only have one life.

That all depends on whether you think you are more important than your children? I only have one life yes, but everything I do is to make life better for my children. I work hard for my children to have a good life. I could work a lot less and live in a cheaper area and my DC could go to worse schools so I could holiday abroad and go fishing all the time like the OP's Dad if I was a selfish person.

My own Dad has worked hard all his life to provide for his family, he says his own father (my grandad), sat in a chair smoking and generally having a lovely lazy life whilst my Grandma looked after all the DC and worked two jobs. He also resented his DDad.

Yanbu

I can see how that would feel unfair. As I think most parents try hard to save and invest money for their future dc. He did the opposite because he came from small minority of privilege. He saw things very different and chose to do things differently because of this. Hard for most to understand as most of us do not come from this background.

I do think it is interesting how quickly relatively family fortunes can simply disappear within a couple of generations. Food for thought.

Stop looking back and constantly comparing your life with theirs back then. We often look back with rose tinted glasses, my mum and dad had a nice house etc but my mum told me stories that before thatcher times they were on the bones of their arse. You cant compare today standards with years ago. It will only make you miserable. Your not living in the present. Dont expect others to owe you a living and make your own money and own life, yes you are in a 2 bed flat which some who are starting out would envy. Why are you entitled to the money from your parents its theirs, they earned it. Yes your dad may have been selfish but you can not change that, i had a mum who lacks any emotion whats so ever, i cant change that so i make my own life the best it can be and be content with what ive done.

Your father was a selfish arse, and I feel very sorry your mother had to put up with the injustice. You now have a good job and education, so make the most of that and appreciate your mother. Looking back and resenting your upbringing is just a waste of energy

OP if you and Dh are a lawyer and a consultant, my advise is - leave Londond. Anywhere North of Watford you will find work that pays well but your money will go much further - you'll have he deposit for a nice house in a good area in 5 years if you save sensibly. And you'll meet far fewer rich twats who had it handed to them on a plate (these people congregate in London and the South East because they're the only ones who can afford a decent standard of living there ).

Seriously, come over to the dark side - it's far nicer and less of a rat race outside London.

Op, your Gps managed to provide your dad with a particular childhood which your parents weren't able to give to you.

That may be because your dad worked 30hrs & spent a substantial(?) money on himself.

Had he not done that though, your upbringing may not have been significantly different.