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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found brother

80 replies

longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 00:57

So never had anything to do with my dad but always knew who he was through family friends! Knew he had a son and they all moved over seas. None of his family knew about me not even my dads mum & dad! But I've found my brother and had a urge to message him and tell him! And know I fee totally unreasonable and sick! I shouldn't of done it but I seen a fb post from my dads new wife searching for some long lost relative (that wasn't me) and it really got my back up how they still to this day don't want anything to do with me! I need to calm down feel like I'm about to pass out!!

Why the fuck did I message my brother and tell him!!

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 22/01/2019 05:01

How old is your brother? If he's an adult, then you're perfectly within your rights.

KC225 · 22/01/2019 06:10

Is your Dad still alive? I understand it must be upsetting to see she is searching for relatives but perhaps the new wife is not aware of your existence? Do you have contact details for the brother? You can can contact him but be prepared either way.

Good luck OP.

GnothiSeafton · 22/01/2019 06:39

I suppose it depends on how you worded your message to your brother and what, exactly, you told him, but presumably it will come as a total shock to him. But what's done, is done. He might contact you, or he might not.

I hope you get something positive.

todayiwin · 22/01/2019 06:42

I hope you get something positive.

My DS has other siblings and no one knows about him, his Father had a secret life etc

Thinking of you

S0dabread · 22/01/2019 07:08

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Your post is so sad. I imagine you are very angry and hurt right now and feel totally snubbed. Can you identify with those feeli ngs or is it something else. Let it out here and say how you feel. I would advise talking to some one about this when you can. Feeling you want to pass out suggests to me that you have a lot of emotion built up with nowhere to go. Any sympatheric family about. To me making contact could be seen as the start of you dealing with some of the issues surrouding your relationship / non relationship with your father. But dont be too hard on the brother. We are not responsible.for our parents actions.

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 07:54

Thanks for the replies! The message I sent to my brother was nice (if that's the right word) I didn't just come out and say it.

His new wife has been with him since I was born they've only recently just got married sorry should of made that clearer and she definitely does know about me according to the mutual family friend we have. It was just all kept a big dirty secret because he knew his mum & dad would want to be in my life.

I'm always curious as what it would of been like if my dad was in my life and I found him on fb and he seems to have a good life which I'm happy about. But I think what has pushed me to be curious and reach out is his mum (I know who she is just never met her) has recently became in contact with my place of work so I see her almost every few weeks and have to speak to her briefly when she does come in but she has no idea that she is speaking to her granddaughter which I find so sad and it was actually quite surreal when I first saw it was her. (She's got a unusual name so when my colleague told me this cute little old woman with this name has recently joined you can imagine by surprise and shock when I seen it was my long lost nan) she's seems like a lovely woman but in her late 70'S so don't think it would be w good idea getting intouch with her to tell her.

Ahh reading this aloud sounds like something from Jeremy Kyle 🙄

OP posts:
Feilin · 22/01/2019 08:02

Theres a "similar" secret in my family. My uncle had a child before he got married. He and his wife have kept said child (now in their late 30s ) a secret from their own children (late teens) my granny on my mothers side hid a pregnancy and adoption from my mother and her siblings. We found out after she died it caused an uproar. Secrets are never good. Does my uncle really think his other children will get over it when they find out? Because they will find out.. saddest part is he has grandchildren he has never met.

Feilin · 22/01/2019 08:04

My point is be careful and mindful of yourself . Its a hurtful situation you are in and whatever you do do it for the right reasons.

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 08:06

@Feilin so awful isn't and said it caused chaos for you after she died. That's what I'm scared of now I've told my brother. I did say on the message that I don't want to cause any trouble with anyone which I generally don't. I just think they have the right to know.

Your uncles kids will find out eventually like you all found out about your granny's child. It's just sad it's always at the wrong times or it's to late before anyone can do anything about it.

OP posts:
coolwalking · 22/01/2019 08:13

I am a secret child. My dad has a wife (assuming knows nothing about me) and 2 children. One is around 23 (10 years between us) and the other is 18.

Found them on Facebook. Don't think I will ever contact them because of the way their Dad reacted when I reached out to him. They look like really lovely people and I am happy to just know that.

EvaHarknessRose · 22/01/2019 08:22

You’re all adults, I think the message was a step to put things right for yourself.

If the moment ever feels right I might also say to the lady ‘I recognised your name, I think I have a connection to your family if you ever want to know more’.

You’re not responsible for their feelings and you’re not the bad guy here even if yo uget a negative response. Take care.

GnothiSeafton · 22/01/2019 09:25

That must have been such a shock for you to discover that a new work colleague is actually your paternal grandmother - no wonder that pushed you into doing some more digging into your dad's life and his family.

Do you all live/work in the same area geographically? You also say that you have family friends who all know about this secret. If so, I'm surprised it's been kept a secret for so long - but clearly it has, given that your granny doesn't know who you are.

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 09:31

@GnothiSeafton sorry didnt explain myself properly my Nan has recently joined a practice I work in so she doesn't work with me.

Yes we live in the same area literally a 10-15 minute drive to her house from mine. I've always known we're she lives and we're my dad lived before he moved.

Family friends were part of the problem my mum seem to think they encouraged him to not have anything to do with me. We don't see them much anymore and if we do it's only in passing in the shops etc. It's all just been kept as one big dirty secret unfortunately. Which I don't think I'm upset about but I do get tearful when my Nan comes into my workplace and she has no clue who I'am.

OP posts:
GnothiSeafton · 22/01/2019 09:37

Yes, I did get that you only see her now and again, but it was more the geographical proximity that intrigued me.

Has your dad moved out of the area completely?

Shallishanti123 · 22/01/2019 09:37

I think you did the right thing as you would always be wondering. Flowers

DontCallMeCharlotte · 22/01/2019 09:39

so I see her almost every few weeks and have to speak to her briefly when she does come in but she has no idea that she is speaking to her granddaughter which I find so sad

Oh, that is heartbreaking Sad

Basecamp65 · 22/01/2019 09:42

I think the key thing is what ever has happened in your families past - none of this is your fault nor your brothers, nor it seems your grandparents.

Contacting your brother may have opened a can of worms but it is the fault of the people who kept this secret not yours. You may get badly hurt so you need to protect yourself but there may be happy times in sight as well.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/01/2019 09:49

Did you do it because you want to be in contact with your brother, or to hurt your dad and his wife?

I'm wondering why you just didn't contact your father instead tbh, and a bit worried about how you will feel if it doesn't end well and your brother doesn't want any contact. I hope it does end well for you, OP.

LeukaeLucky · 22/01/2019 09:53

My little brother is a secret child. His dad was dating my mum for ages (it was quite casual as my mum already had 3 children /teens and didn't want a new man at home)
Little did she know that the bastard was married and he left her when she refused to get an abortion.
My brother's now 18 he doesn't mention it. He knows his dad's name the dad knows my brother's name but so far the "dad" has always refused to get in touch. He used to send him presents and money from time to time and his brother got in touch once when my brother was born.
It's weird cause the guy was so nice to us, taking us shopping or to the restaurant, driving us around etc...
I know that my brother has siblings on his dad's side but obviously they don't have a clue. It's sad really

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 09:56

@GnothiSeafton dad has completely left the area, he's in a different country now and has been for a good few years.

@SassitudeandSparkle I found my dad on fb but for some reason couldn't message him. Honestly couldn't tell you the reason why I felt the need to send him a message last night something just came over me and I'm starting to regret it now.

Update: brother laughed and said nah we're not related so I said is your dad insert name? And he said yes so why do you think we're related so I told him and explained I don't want any trouble etc and he's ignored me and deleted me 🤷‍♀️ so this has really put me off getting into contact with my nan because if she fees the same or reacts the same it would just cause a terrible situation when she came into work.

OP posts:
Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 09:58

And I don't want to hurt anyone I don't have any bad feelings towards my dad and certainly not his wife. I'd just like to know why he kept it a secret and let him know he's a grandad

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 22/01/2019 09:58

Sorry that it hasn't worked out as you'd hoped, OP Flowers.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/01/2019 09:59

Cross-post there - have you recently had a baby yourself, is that what triggered the online search?

Pantsomime · 22/01/2019 10:02

argh the injustice is just screaming through these posts. To all of you under a blanket of secrecy- you deserve your freedom, these secrets are not your fault, your happiness is a right to have as are your relationships with siblings and other affected but uninvolved parties. Have you tried counselling to try & lift the guilt/ worry you are carrying? I have no useful advice but really feel for you and hope you find a way forward

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 10:11

@SassitudeandSparkle no my dc is 8 now, I'm always curious if he ever finds me on fb to look at pictures or anything. I think I always wanted to message my brother as I have a brother from my mum & step dad who I love so much and think of the relationship we could of had but I don't know why I decided to do it last night. Maybe I should of waited and really thought about before just sending a message. He must of been freaked out aswell. I'm just wondering if he will tell his dad about it and if he will get in touch and I'm waiting for a wrath of angry messages for telling him.

Thanks @Pantsomime never really thought of counselling about this but talking on her and knowing people are actually listening is helping I think. I've tried talking to my mum about it but I know she would be upset if she knew I messaged my brother so don't want to bring it up again with her.

OP posts:
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