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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found brother

80 replies

longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 00:57

So never had anything to do with my dad but always knew who he was through family friends! Knew he had a son and they all moved over seas. None of his family knew about me not even my dads mum & dad! But I've found my brother and had a urge to message him and tell him! And know I fee totally unreasonable and sick! I shouldn't of done it but I seen a fb post from my dads new wife searching for some long lost relative (that wasn't me) and it really got my back up how they still to this day don't want anything to do with me! I need to calm down feel like I'm about to pass out!!

Why the fuck did I message my brother and tell him!!

OP posts:
diddl · 22/01/2019 10:14

"Family friends were part of the problem my mum seem to think they encouraged him to not have anything to do with me."

Is this your father that you are talking about?

So when the relationship with your mum ended, he just walked away from you both?

ilovekale · 22/01/2019 10:14

OK I'm not a secret child as such however I went in search of my father through private detective when I was 17. His older daughter who hadn't lived with him since before my mom (he was married to her mom before marrying mine) knew that I existed but he refused to put us in contact. Something about wanting to control what was said about him....
I found her eventually on FB and messaged her and for a few years we had a good friendship. Her mom then died which was awfully sad, and she cut ties without explanation. It killed me initially as I think ghosting someone, especially in this situation is the worst thing you can do. That said I have no regrets of going in search of her.
Given fate has got your grandmother to come into your workplace if it was me I would take it as a sign and tell her. Yes it will come as a shock, but at least you won't live the rest of your life thinking 'what if'.. especially if something were to happen to her as you said she's in her 70s.
My only advice is don't expect anything. If something comes of it that will be a blessing, but it may not so be ready for it to go either way.
As for your brother he is in shock. Give it time. He may very well take it all in and come back when he's ready.

ChampooPapi · 22/01/2019 10:15

It makes me so sad. A baby is not 'a dirty secret' it is a human being. That was created by your father and mother.

You have every right to contact your brother and it was the sensible first gentle step into making contact.

ilovekale · 22/01/2019 10:16

Big hugs whatever you do x

ChampooPapi · 22/01/2019 10:17

You are also within your rights to find out about your genetics, possible family conditions ect for your medical history. You have done the right thing in my opinion

ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast · 22/01/2019 10:19

But I think what has pushed me to be curious and reach out is his mum (I know who she is just never met her) has recently became in contact with my place of work so I see her almost every few weeks and have to speak to her briefly when she does come in but she has no idea that she is speaking to her granddaughter which I find so sad and it was actually quite surreal when I first saw it was her. (She's got a unusual name so when my colleague told me this cute little old woman with this name has recently joined you can imagine by surprise and shock when I seen it was my long lost nan) she's seems like a lovely woman but in her late 70'S so don't think it would be w good idea

I think you might be surprised that she would be happy to know you. My dh had a similar situation only his grandparents ran into him (realised who he was) and asked to stay in touch.

As to your brother, you did nothing wrong and were completely within your rights to do so. I'd even disagree that he must be an adult before it's ok. Parents can't lie to their children to the child's detriment and expect others to keep their dirty secrets.

ILoveChristmasLights · 22/01/2019 10:20

Does your Nan seem like a nice person? IF she does I’d tell her. She’s in her ‘70’s not her ‘90’s, no need to think she’ll keel over from the shock. What your Dad did was shitty. Why did he want to prevent his parents having a relationship with you? Your brother might get back to you in time, it must have been a shock to him and he doesn’t (yet) want to believe it.

ILuvBirdsEye · 22/01/2019 10:23

Just one thing struck me... it's not your responsibility to keep the secret. Your dad may have kept it as his dirty secret- but your heritage is not your dirty secret.
You are under no obligation to anyone to keep this a secret.

GnothiSeafton · 22/01/2019 10:29

Sorry to read your update and I agree with PPs that your brother must currently be in shock hence his negative reaction. And also agree with you, OP, that your brother will probably talk to your dad about your contact with him, even if it's along the lines of "hey dad, I was contacted by a woman called longlost who thinks she's my sister because she thinks you're her dad too!"

Whether your dad continues to hide the truth or come clean, only time will tell.

Did your mum know your paternal grandmother back in the day when your parents were in a relationship?

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 10:29

@diddl yes my dad said he would give my mum a certain amount of money before I was born he then went away with this family friend came back and said no I'm not giving you anything and my mum didn't hear from him again, then when I was about 1 he came back and said he wanted to take me on holiday with his now wife obviously my mum said no and that was it no contact since and he moved when I was about 16.

@ilovekale how strange she just ghosted you and you have no idea why. So many unanswered questions why she did that.

@ChampooPapi I've always said if god forbid anything was to happen to my brother and he ever needed a transplant I could potentially be the only match for him and because he kept this a secret there would be no way I could help.

@ILoveChristmasLights Yes she seems a lovely woman even one of the people I work with who doesn't know about the situation said she's such a nice person.

I think what I'm most scared of is not being believed I don't know how I would cope with that. And them thinking I'm a liar or causing trouble. He's on the other side of the world so there would be no way to prove if I don't think

OP posts:
Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 10:30

@GnothiSeafton no my mum didn't know his parents she knew their names but never met them

OP posts:
3timeslucky · 22/01/2019 10:30

What a sad situation for you. It strikes me that your brother probably got a shock and may need some time to process what you told him (and possibly do some fact-checking), and maybe he will get in touch again.

Like others I think you could approach your nan. You can't really predict how another family member will react. But I guess you need to be prepared for disappointment too.

Wishing you well.

LeukaeLucky · 22/01/2019 10:31

He might just be in shock. Give him the time to recover from the info. It's huge
You should try your nan like a pp mentioned as in saying you could be related but that it should come from her if she wants to know her (you don't want the poor lady to have a heart attack)

LeukaeLucky · 22/01/2019 10:33

I meant to know more

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 10:37

So would it be ok to say for example if she comes in and tells me her name and I say oh my dad with that surname and then hopefully she will ask more questions for me to eventually tel her?

OP posts:
Aridane · 22/01/2019 10:40

coolwalking - siblings may react very differently to the father (speaking from experience here)

pineapplebryanbrown · 22/01/2019 10:42

It's all very sad for the secret child who must feel so negated. I've never heard of a good outcome for people looking for family who are hidden (not lost). I wonder if it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 10:47

I am so sorry your brother has reacted like this. Perhaps as others have said he will come around.

I agree you should tell your nan. You are not responsible for your father’s secret. He has disregarded and disrespected both you and your mother in a very callous way. You deserve to be given the opportunity to seek a relationship with this woman.

If it doesn’t work out. We are here for you. But please know, you are not insignificant. You do count. You seem to be protecting your father and protecting your mother without regard for your needs. Please, put yourself first.

GnothiSeafton · 22/01/2019 10:48

Did you tell your brother the area where you live? i.e. he'd make the connection between where his, and your, granny lives?

MrsSpenserGregson · 22/01/2019 10:51

I understand OP. I was adopted as a baby and had a very strong urge to track down my biological parents - it's an innate need in us as humans, I think. (I've never found my bio father).

So would it be ok to say for example if she comes in and tells me her name and I say oh my dad with that surname and then hopefully she will ask more questions for me to eventually tel her?

I would probably do that, yes, but I'm 46 now and I have very few fucks left to give..! I guess you'd need to get a feeling for how you think she might react.... I mean, it would be very confronting for her, and she might not react in a pleasant way.

Flowers for you - you should never have been put in this shitty position

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 10:53

Thanks @Mummyoflittledragon I just hate drama and arguments so if I can avoid it I will. But I also want his mum to know about so it can go either way.

@GnothiSeafton yes he knows the area I live as I said I was from the area where they lived and where his nan lives now.

OP posts:
Godowneasy · 22/01/2019 10:54

It's also very possible that your nan would have a very different view to your 18 brother,
If you did want to make contact with her, perhaps you could use a third person to do this for you? Either a trusted friend who you know could handle the situation sensitively, or even better, contact your local Family placement/ adoption service for their assistance. They will have plenty of experience in this sort of situation.

TrumpsAreFarts · 22/01/2019 10:54

He's probably in shock and will now ask your dad and his mum if it's true. I hope your dad is honest with him. After that he may well get in touch.

Original poster
longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 10:56

@MrsSpenserGregson sorry you didn't find your biological dad that must still leave you wondering and have so many questions. I was thinking it might be abit to forward for her and in my workplace I don't want to seem unprofessional and then if she doesn't believe me she could take it further with the manager. (I always think of the worse possible outcomes)

OP posts:
NameChange176 · 22/01/2019 10:56

If you were kept a secret because his Mum and Dad would have wanted to be in your life then i’d definitely reach out to them (your grandparents). But I wouldn’t do it in your place of work.
I think i’d write them a letter, that both gives them time to absorb the news rather than putting them on the spot, and avoids any kind of scene where you work, which would be a really bad idea.

For both your brother and your grandparents this is going to be a shock so don’t expect immediate responses, and if they do respond don’t expect them to be welcoming. As far as they’re concerned you could be anyone and you contacting them could be a scam so don’t take it personally, it’s not like they’ve always known about your existence and are prepared for a stranger to turn up on their doorstep one day.

You could prove the relationship with a DNA test between you and one of your grandparents though, should they respond and be willing.

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