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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found brother

80 replies

longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 00:57

So never had anything to do with my dad but always knew who he was through family friends! Knew he had a son and they all moved over seas. None of his family knew about me not even my dads mum & dad! But I've found my brother and had a urge to message him and tell him! And know I fee totally unreasonable and sick! I shouldn't of done it but I seen a fb post from my dads new wife searching for some long lost relative (that wasn't me) and it really got my back up how they still to this day don't want anything to do with me! I need to calm down feel like I'm about to pass out!!

Why the fuck did I message my brother and tell him!!

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 22/01/2019 10:56

I would also tell your nan. This is not your secret to keep. How she responds is not your responsibility but if she’s a lovely woman, then that bodes well.

ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast · 22/01/2019 10:56

You could simply ask "I wonder if you're related to my father, his name is XYZ" Gives her an out to act like she has no idea who you are or to come out and say. It puts the ball in her court. You need to be careful that you don't overstep as it's your job and don't want to look lke you're looking into her.

ChasedByBees · 22/01/2019 10:58

On your worst case scenario - I suppose it depends on what field you’re in. If you’re a counsellor and she’s your patient, then there might be a problem.

If it’s another type of service, what if she did tell your manager? You’re telling the truth. I was a manager and I would have huge sympathy for any staff member in that situation and I would do what I could to protect them.

If in doubt, could you speak with your manager first?

Original poster

longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 11:00

@NameChange176 that's exactly the reason I've been told he didn't want to tell his parents because he knew they would of wanted to be in my life and I think he just didn't want any connection to me so thought it best not to tell them.

@Godowneasy good idea about someone else making the contact didn't think of that. I did write to a letter to her sometime last year but just kept it in a drawer. I've always known where she lives so maybe I will post this letter.

OP posts:

NoKnownFather · 22/01/2019 11:01

longlostbrother My background is similar although I guess it's too late to find my bio father now. Damn family secrets!!

Anyway, in regards to your Nan, I would be inclined to write her a short letter on a blank card or pretty writing paper, that way she knows you've made a huge effort.

Next time she comes into your work, see if you can get her to one side for a minute and hand her the letter so she can read it later and not be confronted in what could be a difficult area. I'm thinking if she gets emotional etc, as that might embarrass her, and you.

If this is a complete shock to her she might not 'hear' all you have to say and having a letter she could read later would be more comforting.

I also think your brother was in shock, so don't be too disheartened by his reaction. Also, you don't know what he's been told by other family, who would all have their own version of the family secret. He might get in touch once he's had a chance to digest the info.

and truly hope this works out for you. Will keep my fingers crossed.

Original poster

longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 11:03

@ChasedByBees I'm not a counsellor or anything in that type of field. I'm just a receptionist. Which I do and can have access to her details but have never gone into details and never would I would probably pass onto a colleague if I had to, to cover my own back if she did say anything to my manager

OP posts:

BettyDuMonde · 22/01/2019 11:03

Secrets are shit and you are under no obligation to keep this one.

Your brother may come around after some time (even years) to process - you’ve known this a long time, he only just found out.

I’ve no idea how one would go about bringing this up with your grandmother - you certainly have a right to do so.

All I can suggest is be gentle and be prepared to pay for a dna test if that helps her to accept the truth.

The older generation tend to be quite pragmatic about these things, so many babies got brought up as their mum’s siblings etc, one of my nannas ‘sisters’ was really her niece.

Perhaps tread carefully in the workplace though - maybe you’d be better off dropping off a letter and a bunch of flowers (in person) and asking her to contact you after she has read it?

MrsSpenserGregson · 22/01/2019 11:04

@longlostbrother If it helps, when I tracked down my birth mother I made contact with her mother (my grandmother) first, by telephone.

Having read the other replies on here, and seeing that you know where your nan lives, I think writing to her would be the best bet.

Good luck

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 11:07

It must be so difficult for you to see her while you are at work.

ElsieMc · 22/01/2019 11:08

I was kept a secret as well. Op, your brother's reaction is unsurprising really. I contacted my bio mother and she rejected me all over again getting her sister to ring me. She told me she did not want her real children to know about me because they would think badly of her. She didnt even bother to be nice.

I later discovered that her "real" daughter has not spoken to her for thirty years. We had some limited contact, but she does not want me to speak to her father (who I suspect is mine) and wants to keep me a secret.

I decided that I would just concentrate on my own family. I have grown up children and bring up two of my grandsons who live with me. I know that I was very lucky to be adopted out and that whilst somewhat eccentric my adoptive family were funny, caring and loving towards me particularly my aunts and grandmother. In fact I would say I was a favourite for some inexplicable reason because there were loads of us.

Op, he may well have a think about it and come back to you but please dont expect too much and be disappointed. From what limited information you have given, I think your grandmother may be the best one to approach but again, she could be very shocked. The worst thing in all this is that we have to consider everyone else's feelings and sensitivities but supress our own.

TrumpsAreFarts · 22/01/2019 11:31

I think you should send your nan a letter, then she can absorb it in her own time without being put on the spot.

Thehop · 22/01/2019 11:38

Ask a friend to take a letter around.

I can’t imagine how much I’d be devastated at not being able to enjoy a grandchild in my dotage.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 22/01/2019 11:46

Your Dad sounds like an asshole, I'd go ahead and contact your Nan.

MaiaRindell · 22/01/2019 11:52

I got a message from a woman on facebook saying we shared a father. Unfortunately it went into my 'other' folder so it was about three years before I read it. I had also refused a friend request from her without realising. She must have felt very rejected. The whole family is in touch with her now. She is included as if she always has been.

Give your brother some time, OP. Hopefully he will come round.

ShahOfSplosh · 22/01/2019 11:54

Very sorry you're in this situation, op.

I absolutely wouldn't take a letter round though - wouldn't that entail looking up an address on the system?! Huge breach - if you hand it to her when she is at your place of work, there's no breach involved.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/01/2019 11:55

I would not involve your place of work in any way, in potentially contacting your grandmother tbh.

GnothiSeafton · 22/01/2019 12:36

Shah, the OP has said that her granny lives 10-15 minutes drive from where she lives and has known her address for donkey's years - presumably because her mum told her; so she wouldn't be accessing any data from work, although she might be accused of that if it all goes belly up.

I agree that any contact made with granny should be outside of work only.

Jux · 22/01/2019 12:40

Well, I can't see you breaking a law if you say "oh, that's my dad's surname!", she might ask you what his christian name is and be surprised that her own son also has that name but not say anything. I can't see that that is out of order even at work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 12:56

Maybe I lack imagination. I’d not be able to contain myself this way and am not good at manipulating the conversation. How would you get her to participate and lead onto the topic of your son is my dad without doing a Paddington Bear hard stare?

Personally I think you’ve gone so long without divulging who you are that you deserve to give yourself the best chance of success, which is why I think the letter and perhaps following it up by knocking on the door. To be clear, I understand you didn’t find her address through work.

Dextrodependant · 22/01/2019 13:29

I worry that you could be accused of getting her address from work if she were to make a complaint.

Original poster

longlostbrother · 22/01/2019 13:41

Yes can 100% say I didn't get her address from work. I've known where she's lived all of my life and I knew where my dad lived aswell before he moved.

Thanks for everyone's reply I think I'm going to go with sending her a letter.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2019 13:43

Good luck with this.

ILoveChristmasLights · 22/01/2019 14:03

Good luck. I hope she gets in touch with you and wants you in her life.

However, it’s NO reflection on YOU if she doesn’t, she doesn’t know YOU. TRY to remember that x

Weenurse · 23/01/2019 06:39

Good luck

GnothiSeafton · 23/01/2019 08:13

Good luck, longlost

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