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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only invite one to the party?

100 replies

ifiwerearichman · 21/01/2019 20:17

So basically I have 2 little ones, age 2 and nearly 5.
They have 2 cousins who are 5 and nearly 8.
We’ve always invited cousins to our children’s birthday parties and our children have always been invited to their birthday parties.
This is until last year when eldest cousin had a cupcake decorating party for her 7th birthday and we just didn’t get an invite. Apparently she only invited 4 school friends and her 5 year old sister, fine. I’m assuming that mine were 2 young or numbers were limited, not a problem.
So for my daughters 5th birthday I’ve found a soft play that you can hire privately for a 2 hour session. I wanted to invite around 20 kids. The only problem is that it’s for under 7s only and cousin will be 8.
Husband is saying I should lie and get her in for a 6 year old, I’m saying that circumstances change, we weren’t invited to her party last year due to ages and a limit on numbers, so they should understand that I am only inviting one cousin and not the other (they are sisters)
They aren’t going to be invited to each other’s parties forever as they are different ages and often numbers are very limited.
Am I being a cow?
I think it makes it worse that I’m inviting one not the other.
It’s going to cause world war 3, but I genuinely think it’s just one of those things that change as kids get older.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 21/01/2019 21:25

Are the kids close? Personally I feel that inviting cousins is something that is done until kids form their own friendships, if they don't become friends with the cousins well they don't get an invite.

This is more than reasonable if that is what they are doing, you are free to invite them or not but don't make it a resentment thing.

Original poster
ifiwerearichman · 21/01/2019 21:28

She’s close to the little one as they were at the same Childminder’s a day a week for a year.
Although we only live 2 streets away they have seen their cousins twice in 5 months, both times at in laws house by chance.
She maybe saw big cousin 4 times a year.
They don’t go to the same school.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/01/2019 21:33

And that last update proves exactly how pissed off you feel about it. Grow up.

JamAtkins · 21/01/2019 21:35

You are being really weird about a non event. Why was you dd upset about not being invited to the party of a cousin she never sees? How did she even know? Just invite school friends and invite cousins on a different day for some cake. People will think you are an absolute nut for excluding one sibling in the grounds of age when she is only 8 and the others are 5.

Survivingchipandkippee · 21/01/2019 21:36

There isn’t much difference between and 7 and 8 year old, the soft play wouldn’t even notice she was older. Think how your own daughter felt about being left out. Two wrongs don’t make a right. If your daughter wants her cousins there invite them, if not don’t invite them.

CandleConcerto · 21/01/2019 21:37

I would hazard a guess that your SIL kept their party very small so that your children wouldn’t feel left out. If it was bigger (like yours) it’s not as easy to say, Oh it wasn’t even really a party...

Namedecisions · 21/01/2019 21:38

Gosh it’s clear that this is not to do with the soft play and all to do with this party from last year and some other in-law/SIL hang ups you have. Why do you get to have the final say over your husband, not saying he should over you but there is middle ground. Instead of trying to create a drama why don’t you try to problem solve - lots of posters have had some good suggestions for you.
My take on best advice is why not contact venue and ask if one 8 year old (presumably well behaved) can attend the party. It doesn’t say no over 7’s allowed, it just said suitable for - 2 very different things. Try to be inclusive as they are only children.
If your DC don’t see their cousins very much as per your last post then why did your DD get so upset about a birthday party last year (that somehow she heard about even though you didn’t know anything about apart from social media, and they don’t see each other much?!) she obviously likes them enough to get upset. It would be different if your DC was asking for them not to be invited.

CosmicComet · 21/01/2019 21:39

I just feel begrudged that my daughter wasn’t invited to cake decorating for being too young

But in your OP you said “I’m assuming that mine were 2 young or numbers were limited”. So you don’t know they weren’t invited for being too young. You’re assuming. You don’t actually know why whey weren’t invited. There could be any number of reasons.

ILoveChristmasLights · 21/01/2019 21:40

Why don’t YOU & DH invite the cousins around more often more often?

altiara · 21/01/2019 21:53

Invite both cousins or none at all. You’re having a big party so perfectly easy to invite them or to choose only school friends.
What I would say is don’t invite aunts, uncles etc to a school friends party, if DH really needs a party for family to attend, have a family get together at home with sausage rolls and birthday cake. This might phase out as they get older so let your DC enjoy an extra family celebration while they can.
Also class parties also turn into much smaller parties (eg cupcake making) so don’t punish the cousins for the fact your SIL isn’t inviting 2 much younger children to a very small and fiddly party. It’s not the cousins fault that your DC saw the party bags etc and if you’re not close, why would you talk about what you’ve planned for a child’s party (unless conversation is about suggesting ideas). Honestly it wasn’t a secret, it was just an older child’s party.
If it was me, I’d invite them this year and probably not next year depending on the activity.

QwertyLou · 21/01/2019 22:07

OP based on the screen shot I now say “invite neither or both.”

The “suitable to 7” reads as a guide, not as a prohibition. If she’s roughly the same size as the rest, I doubt SP will care. Ring them and check if you’re concerned.

Also, I find organising parties very stressful Smile sometimes I can lose my sense of proportion and allow a small non-issue to assume epic significance Blush

To me - who stresses a lot over party invites - it does seem like you are making this a bigger issue than it needs to be (I’ve done the same myself).

So chill out, relax and happy birthday to your daughter!

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/01/2019 22:17

It’s always me having to change plans to accommodate them
So simply STOP doing it.
STOP allowing yourself to be bullied by other adults!

There will be more parties one or both your dc will not be invited to, they've set the precedent - which i think is very clever of them albeit the way it was done was shady.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/01/2019 22:26

I can tell that you were hurt when your DC weren't invited to the cupcake party.Flowers But in this instance you are acting out of spite OP. If you want to be spiteful that's up to you, but don't use your children. It ends up being detrimental to them.Sad

Aridane · 21/01/2019 22:31

WTF - tit for tat or what!

World of difference between an intimate cupcake decorating session with 4 close friends only and a free for all 20+ soft play thing where there is not a 7;year age limit but best suited for younger under 7s

thinkful · 21/01/2019 22:36

You sound spiteful OP. Invite the children. Say that it's recommended for under 7s and oldest cousin might be too grown up and then her mum might decide not to bring her.

You sound like you dislike the children,this thread is quite ludicrous tbh.

My children are 6 and 8 and have cousins n one side of 12, 4 and 1 and on the other side of 3 and 2. Sometimes we do a party and they are all invited, sometimes we do an activity such as bowling with a small handful of friends and this doesn't include cousins.

TheClaifeCrier · 21/01/2019 22:37

Has anyone asked what the birthday girl wants? Maybe she wants her cousin there. Maybe she doesn't?

Icandothis2019 · 21/01/2019 22:43

OP why don't you have the soft play party just for friends. You don't even need to mention to SIL, aunts, uncles or whoever. Then have a separate family tea party at home when all family is invited.
If that's not possible I would contact venue to discuss the 8yro before you send out invites. If it's definitely a no for her then I would say to SIL "DD is having birthday party at X, I've double checked with venue already and unfortunately 8yro DC is not allowed due to age restrictions. Do you want 5yro DC to come still?" Leave the decision up to her.

Dairymilkmuncher · 21/01/2019 22:43

Op you've lost it. You need to get a grip. You're talking about kids here so just calm down....

Eight year olds don't want to hang out with five year olds, they might get made to include their sisters but Why should she have to swap out one of her actual friends, that's ages with her and has things in common with to accommodate one of your daughters? To keep her unhinged auntie happy? I can tell you as a mum of someone that used to be right, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to let the parents of five years old know and apologise for lack of invite.

It's your responsibility to teach your own daughter that she can't be invited and included in everything because numbers/money/time won't allow and she's not in everyone's "top 5 guests" that's just life

It's your responsibility as a mum to also teach your kids kindness and inclusion and the importance of family.

These two parties don't have anything in common so you can't say anything about a president being set Hmm let the old girls come and eat food with her family if she wants to, sounds like there will be a big gang of you watching the little ones play. Why do you want her to sit at home and not join in and put your husband in an awkward situation? Spite....that's why

Molakai · 21/01/2019 23:03

You wont have to "sneak in an 8 year old". The flyer gives you a guide for the ages the party is aimed at. "Suitable for" is very different from "under 7s only".

HauntedPencil · 21/01/2019 23:10

I don't think it's realistic to continue to ask cousins to school parties it has to stop some time.

I would ask neither, tell the mum it's school only and organise a little family gathering at home so they can get together.

PinkAvocado · 21/01/2019 23:57

Why do you need to tell SIL anything in advance?

Bluntness100 · 22/01/2019 07:57

Right I’ll just not invite either

God, as a pp said, you really do need to get a grip. Take a step back and think about how you're behaving. To hold a grudge to this extent because your kids weren't invited to the cup cake event. She had four friends there, it was hardly a big thing. Four kids. That's all it was.

Do you normally react so badly and hold long term grudges to any perceived slights? You're now going to penalise the kids over it.

Honestly this behaviour is unpleasant in the extreme.

SarahET · 22/01/2019 08:05

You're overthinking, it's natural as they get older that they won't go to each others parties. Unless your daughter will be upset by them not being there I wouldn't invite them. Plus I wonder how long the older niece would want to go to a little kids party anyway!

Iloveacurry · 22/01/2019 08:17

I think you’ve made the right decision. Don’t invite the cousins, just school friends. After all that’s what they have done.

Pk37 · 22/01/2019 08:32

It does sound a bit tit for tatt and maybe it was the cousin who just wanted her friends there and not the parents at all, it’s perfectly reasonable

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