To only invite one to the party?

[ifiwerearichman]

So basically I have 2 little ones, age 2 and nearly 5.
They have 2 cousins who are 5 and nearly 8.
We’ve always invited cousins to our children’s birthday parties and our children have always been invited to their birthday parties.
This is until last year when eldest cousin had a cupcake decorating party for her 7th birthday and we just didn’t get an invite. Apparently she only invited 4 school friends and her 5 year old sister, fine. I’m assuming that mine were 2 young or numbers were limited, not a problem.
So for my daughters 5th birthday I’ve found a soft play that you can hire privately for a 2 hour session. I wanted to invite around 20 kids. The only problem is that it’s for under 7s only and cousin will be 8.
Husband is saying I should lie and get her in for a 6 year old, I’m saying that circumstances change, we weren’t invited to her party last year due to ages and a limit on numbers, so they should understand that I am only inviting one cousin and not the other (they are sisters)
They aren’t going to be invited to each other’s parties forever as they are different ages and often numbers are very limited.
Am I being a cow?
I think it makes it worse that I’m inviting one not the other.
It’s going to cause world war 3, but I genuinely think it’s just one of those things that change as kids get older.

Both or none.

Four kids plus sister does not a party make. Twenty isn’t really comparable. However, it’s your right to invite whoever you want!

Your DH is being unreasonable (and a bit of a big wuss) - they set the precedent of not inviting your youngest, so that frees you up to just invite the cousin who is of a similar age to your child. No biggy; this will happen naturally anyway over the years, and I don’t see what the problem is. Just invite the youngest.

It would be really mean of you to only invite one. You should invite both or neither.

Sister in law is very pushy and likes to make everything into an argument.
I think that I have the upper hand in this scenario though, as she did exactly as we are doing for big cousins party last year.
I’ll give her the option of little cousin coming or none at all due to the age limit.
No we don’t tend to do family gatherings for birthdays. My side of the family do a little party tea, but their side never do so this probably wouldn’t happen.

Just don’t invite both of them. Surely they don’t have to invite yours to every party? Sounds like they had a small one with a few close school friends only, why feel obliged to invite cousins? You are taking this far too personally and trying to make a point out of spite.

they set the precedent of not inviting your youngest, so that frees you up to just invite the cousin who is of a similar age to your child.
The precedent they set is that they invited neither!

Crikey you're being so childish and immature here. This is nothing to do with the soft play. This is you being annoyed about the 7 year olds party last year. How do you know your 5 year old was too young? Did they give that reason? A small party cake decorating with 4 people is way different to a soft play party. Also of course her 5 year old sister will attend because it's her sister. Your 5 year old daughter is a cousin.
I think you're being unreasonable to not invite them just because you're bitter about a small cake decorating party last year.

It’s not out of spite! There’s an age limit. And I don’t feel I should have to lie to get her in.
But on the other hand why should we feel bad, as we didn’t utter a single word when we weren’t invited for whatever reason last year.
Main issue is husband wanting to sneak cousin in or change venue to accommodate cousin.
I don’t feel that I should especially as she doesn’t bend over backwards to accommodate us!

You sound really upset and over invested in all this, please just take a step back and realise it’s a kids party and not that big of a deal. If your dh family makes a big drama out of this type of nonsense, that’s up to them, no need for you to follow their rules. Seriously chill out about it.

@ifiwerearichman
I was with you initially but the more you post it does seem like you’re a bit put out your oldest wasn’t invited.

Family don't invite one sibling and not the other. That's why your oldest didn't get an invite to the party of 5 decorating.

Having 20 children and excluding one cousin seems very mean.

You sound quite bitter op. An activity like cupcake decorating is different to a big soft play party. It sounds like you just want to stick the knife in. Not nice where your niece is concerned. I’m sure an 8 year old wouldn’t have purposely excluded your daughter. Don’t hurt her to get back at the parents, that’s really cruel.

I’m really not bothered that she wasn’t invited.
Granted, she was upset.
I don’t even think it’s about the party to be honest.
It’s about me having to accommodate husbands family and nieces and sneak kids in to soft play or change the venue of my daughters party when they wouldn’t dream of doing the same.
Surely if it’s ok for them not to invite cousins then it’s ok for me to not invite them.
I just can’t believe I’m being asked to research different venues or lie to get a child into soft play who is 2 years too old to be there to keep his family happy.

Then don’t, it’s quite simple.

Tbh i wouldnt invite either cousin and just have dd and her friends so she can have a nice time at her party with no drama

Invite neither.
Yours are still young enough to set a schoolfriends only precedent.

Any compaints from SIL point out that she herself had set a precedent that not everyone is invited to everything!

I think I’m swaying towards not inviting either.
“Sorry Sophie is too old, upper age limit is 6 (well under 7s) and we didn’t want to invite one without the other”

I just wouldn't invite either, I've been in the situation where I've felt pressured to invite cousins but now I just don't bother, they live far away and we don't have regular contact anyway so I don't see the point in paying for them when neither them or my kids are really bothered about eachother. If you really want to invite them how about you do a party with all your daughters friends and then have a family tea party at yours another day?

Don't invite either of them. That's fine.

Inviting one is mean. Ask the soft play I am sure they will allow one well behaved 8 year old if your morals don't allow you to not say anything

Imagine saying to the older one here is an invite for one of you?

I just wouldn't invite either, I've been in the situation where I've felt pressured to invite cousins but now I just don't bother, they live far away and we don't have regular contact anyway so I don't see the point in paying for them when neither them or my kids are really bothered about eachother. If you really want to invite them how about you do a party with all your daughters friends and then have a family tea party at yours another day?

You're point-scoring over a children's party. Your focus is in the wrong place. Your DC would love to have their cousins there. Invite them both.

just say 'oh we would like so much to have A and B at the party but the soft play is only for under 7 year olds. It feels awkward to invite one sibling but not the other. If you are ok with the idea then please send the youngest one to the party. We completely understand if both of them can' come. '

However, I do think you are being petty. You want to invite only one child just to spite them and make an issue out of it. Don't invite either of them just like they didn't invite either of your kids.

I wouldn’t invite either

You keep saying its not tit for tat etc. but so much of what you write tells a completely different story.

If you wanted your dd's cousins there I don't see the age thing being a real problem ( 7 is an odd cut off age).

But you have made it clear you don't want them there because your dd was left out by sil.

If the question was about the dilemma of 1 cousin being too old what should I do ...? You wouldn't have gone into all the detail of the perceived snub re the cake party.