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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deleting texts....aibu

56 replies

Laurry · 21/01/2019 13:59

The weekend after xmas oh was in a mood, barely said a word to me but put this down to being hungover so just left him to it.....he sat upstairs watching tv while i dealt with the house and kids.

Went up to get ds ready for bed and his phone flashed up with a message from someone. He said it was someone he worked with (he is a delivery driver). Was a bit upset that he could sit messaging another girl but not speak to me.

He seemed shifty so i asked if i could see the messages, there were only 2, ending with kisses but the rest had been deleted.

He said it was nothing to worry about and said he would stop. Friday just gone we were looking on his messenger for something and she popped up as one of his most contacted people.....it has made me really uneasy but not sure if im just being paranoid. Is it normal to be texting with kisses to someone you work with (was only messages to her, not the other guys).

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurry · 21/01/2019 14:02

Just to add, been together 20 years and never cheated as far as i know

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 21/01/2019 14:02

No it is not normal, he took off to the bedroom whilst you dealt with the children to text her.

Time for you to find out what is occurring!

Pontingss · 21/01/2019 14:03

Did you ask him why he’d deleted the previous messages?

luckiestgirl · 21/01/2019 14:04

The kisses wouldn’t bother me but the fact he’s deleted the messages would be a huge red flag

RangeRider · 21/01/2019 14:08

the fact he’s deleted the messages would be a huge red flag
Some of us routinely delete messages that are no longer relevant though so it doesn't necessarily mean anything. And the sender might be one of those people that sticks kisses on the end of everything (including their Mumsnet posts Confused)

mummyhaschangedhername · 21/01/2019 14:08

Not normal though.

Seriously what is it with all these moody men on Mumsnet. That's not normal either.

Sorry OP.

grinchypants · 21/01/2019 14:09

Not normal that he's deleting the messages

RivanQueen · 21/01/2019 14:13

I wouldn't be ending a text to someone I work with, with kisses. Neither would my DP. Crossing a line with that. Put that together with him deleting the messages to this woman, him being 'in a mood' and not talking to you, leaving you to take care of the house and kids while he sits upstairs texting her and then she comes up as his most contact person on messenger would be ringing alarm bells for me.
Seeing as you already know he is trying to cover his tracks I suggest playing detective for a while and seeing if you can find out anything else because if something is going on with this OW he sure as hell isn't going to tell you the truth about it if you ask him.

Original poster
Laurry · 21/01/2019 14:16

He said he deleted them to save storage on his phone but i dont think facebook messenger save to your phone (hes more tech savvy than me tho)

He's not usually one for kisses at the end of text unless they are to me. I did ask what they had been talking about but he couldnt remember, that and the fact he hadnt deleted messages from anyone else got my back up. Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 14:22

He said he deleted them to save storage on his phone but i dont think facebook messenger save to your phone (hes more tech savvy than me tho)

If he's using FB messenger this is total bollocks, they won't take up any room on his phone.

I did ask what they had been talking about but he couldnt remember

Sorry but I call bullshit. He knows damn well what they were talking about but doesn't want you to know, which should be setting off massive alarm bells for you.

Sorry, but he's up to no good. Flowers

IsItThatTimeAgain · 21/01/2019 14:25

Huge red flags.

beansontoastfortea · 21/01/2019 14:25

Red flags there op... you need to find out what's going on but you're not going to get anywhere asking him

Returnofthesmileybar · 21/01/2019 14:29

He is lying through his teeth!

UnicornSlaughters · 21/01/2019 14:31

Lie no 1: FB messenger messages don't save to your phone. So no storage implications.

Lie no 2: He'd literally just been talking to her but couldn't remember what about? Seriously?

He's up to no good. Either confront him but be prepared for him to lie, or start digging. Do you know his passwords?

Serialweightwatcher · 21/01/2019 14:34

Wouldn't be happy about that at all - you don't delete a few messages to save space on phone - you get rid of apps you don't use/photos etc ... you need to have it out with him and tell him how you feel and don't let him make you feel like you're getting at him/he's the victim etc - he buggered off upstairs and left you to it and is happily chatting away to a stranger to you and he won't tell you anything - good luck

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 14:35

Another vote for 'start digging before you confront' as he's already lying through his teeth. He will accuse you of making it up. You need proof or a screenshot of some messages.

PepsiLola · 21/01/2019 14:40

Can you go onto a shared laptop or whatever and gain access to his fb?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/01/2019 14:41

It all depends if it’s his ‘normal’ behaviour. Some people put kisses after every message, others don’t, some people delete all their messages others don’t.

For me it would ring alarm bells if he doesn’t normally do this. Has he deleted all the messages other than most recent from everyone or just her, does he put kisses after every message or just her. If it’s just her, then I’d start to be suspicious.

Both or his excuses don’t hold water. If he’s tech savvy he’ll know fb messages don’t take up storage, and he can remember what he was talking about, he simply doesn’t want to tell you.

For now op I’d let it drop as far as he’s concerned but keep checking. He’s obviously only going to tell you what he wants you to know. He’ll be massively careful for a while but once he thinks you’ve let it drop you might fine out the truth

longtimelurkerhelen · 21/01/2019 14:47

If it's Facebook, even though you delete messages, there is still a record. If you want the see them, do this.

www.facebook.com/help/212802592074644

It will show every message you have ever sent or received.

Hope you are worried over nothing.

BlooperReel · 21/01/2019 14:57

There is a sea of red flags here OP, chances of this being innocent are pretty slim i suspect.

Laiste · 21/01/2019 15:01

Just the bit about my DH being upstairs 'being moody' and leaving me to deal with the house and kids at xmas would trigger A Chat here.

He's flirting with a woman OP. I'd tell him i think he's cheating and i want him out the house for a while. Up to him to prove me wrong.

sollyfromsurrey · 21/01/2019 15:17

The fact that this contact is coming up as the most frequent communication tells you all you need to know I'm afraid.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 21/01/2019 15:43

Some people do delete messages. I do, for the sake of tidiness, immediately after reading them.
Sometimes I'll delete a message that was important and DH will eyeroll at me. I don't think he ever deletes messages.
However, in your case, it definitely sounds suspicious.

Original poster
Laurry · 21/01/2019 15:46

I do know most of his passwords, only looked on his phone once since and there was no trace of any messages to her so let it drop, it was only since i was next to him and noticed her face that made me think i might not have been overreacting afterall.....he made me feel like i was and getting annoyed when i asked about it. Said he cant understand she is in most contacted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurry · 21/01/2019 15:47

No it was just messages from her that had been deleted from what i could see.

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