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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Deleting texts....aibu

56 replies

Laurry · 21/01/2019 13:59

The weekend after xmas oh was in a mood, barely said a word to me but put this down to being hungover so just left him to it.....he sat upstairs watching tv while i dealt with the house and kids.

Went up to get ds ready for bed and his phone flashed up with a message from someone. He said it was someone he worked with (he is a delivery driver). Was a bit upset that he could sit messaging another girl but not speak to me.

He seemed shifty so i asked if i could see the messages, there were only 2, ending with kisses but the rest had been deleted.

He said it was nothing to worry about and said he would stop. Friday just gone we were looking on his messenger for something and she popped up as one of his most contacted people.....it has made me really uneasy but not sure if im just being paranoid. Is it normal to be texting with kisses to someone you work with (was only messages to her, not the other guys).

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 21/01/2019 15:50

Jesus Christ this would
Make me suspicious

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 15:55

he made me feel like i was and getting annoyed when i asked about it

Sorry OP, but that's classic gaslighting and deflection back onto you.

Trust your instincts.

shpoot · 21/01/2019 15:55

She's in his most contacted because she's the person he contacts most. I wouldn't confront him or let him know I was suspicious until I had the proof I needed. And it will be there OP. He's lying

JaneyJimplin · 21/01/2019 15:57

Sorry, i think he's either cheating or on the road to cheating. Saying this as someone who's partner had an affair with work colleague.
The sulking fits in to btw. My OH suddenly found me and the kids really hard work, and would take himself off in a sulk on his days off. Maybe because being stuck at home with me was depressing as fuck compared to taking his fancy woman out for expensive dinners, or maybe because stewing on my flaws helped him justify his deceit? Like, "the wife's a nag and the kids are terrors, no wonder I'm seeking solace in another vagina, I'm only human etc"

Sorry, don't mean to hijack.

My advice would be to play it cool but start digging. Pretty sure deleted fb messages just stay in the deleted folder... but you probably need to be on a computer to see them, as opposed to the mobile app. Only problem is that he'll get an alert that someone's logged in from another device if he doesn't ordinarily use fb on that.

You need concrete proof because he will continue to lie without it.

GiBlues · 21/01/2019 16:33

Yep I have to agree with the PPs there koads of signs here that he’s up to something.

The moods and staying in the bedroom.
The fact that’s she’s his most contacted.
He’s deleted the messages between them and then lying about he did it (FB messenger doesn’t take up any space on you phone).
The lying about not being able remember what they were talking about when they were talking 5 minutes before. 🤦🏼‍♀️

If a friend was telling you all this would you be telling her I’m sure it’s nothing?

Trustyour instincts OP, they are usually right.
Do some digging but do not let on to him you’re on to him or you’ll never get the truth.

MrsTommyBanks · 21/01/2019 17:06

I did ask what they had been talking about but he couldnt remember, that and the fact he hadnt deleted messages from anyone else got my back up

The above would have my spidey senses screaming tbh.

LeilaDarling · 21/01/2019 17:15

Personally I would smell a very big rat!
Before you ask him more do some subtle digging.

supersop60 · 21/01/2019 17:15

Spidey senses tingling here too. I told my DP I was uncomfortable with the number of times he was texting a person, and had serious mentionitis about her. So he promised to cut back. Ha - it became emailing instead, because I didn't have his password etc. Totally inappropriate.
OP - I know some people are saying do some digging, but also consider having talk about boundaries, so that things don't escalate.

17again · 21/01/2019 18:52

JaneyJimplin - are you me
My OH suddenly found me and the kids really hard work, and would take himself off in a sulk on his days off. Maybe because being stuck at home with me was depressing as fuck compared to taking his fancy woman out for expensive dinners, or maybe because stewing on my flaws helped him justify his deceit? Like, "the wife's a nag and the kids are terrors, no wonder I'm seeking solace in another vagina, I'm only human etc"
This made me laugh out loud - because a few years ago this was my life completely with my DH having an affair with s work colleagues. You have captured it so precisely.

sollyfromsurrey · 21/01/2019 19:45

If I was concerned and feeling insecure about my DH communicating with another person, his response would NOT be to get annoyed. That is a pretty classic reaction from someone who knows they are doing something wrong. My Dh would hate to think I was in any way feeling concerned and his response would be compassionate and desperately trying to make me see that he loved me and only me.

Original poster

Laurry · 21/01/2019 20:04

Sollyfromsurrey i think i was really hoping he would be like your dh, I would hate to think of him feeling the way i do

Thanks everyone.....looks like I've been a bit of an idiot

OP posts:

Original poster

Laurry · 13/02/2019 13:11

Sorry to bring this up again....dh had apologised and said he understood how dodgy everything looked and that he would stop. Just this morning I have found out he was messaging her in the early hours of Sunday morning when we had an argument and he stormed out for 3/4 hours.

Again messages have been deleted and I have now asked him to remove her, he grudgingly said he will but that what I am asking is controlling (which I agree is but I don't know what else to do) not sure if he has been talking to her the whole time or if it's just started again. Hoping for some advice on what to think, he doesn't wanting me talking to anyone in real life about any of our problems. Thanks

OP posts:

chuttypicks · 13/02/2019 13:17

He's taking you for a ride, having an emotional affair, if not a physical affair with another woman. He's probably been messaging her the whole time, just was being a bit more effective at deleting the messages until now. He's been caught out twice. How many times are you going to let him take the piss out of you before you tell him to sling his hook?

Original poster

Laurry · 13/02/2019 13:25

I have no proof that he was doing anything wrong.....he swears it was just friendly chat and keeps making me feel like I'm overreacting and trying to control him.

Don't want to split my family on a gut feeling and don't know what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

Laurry · 13/02/2019 13:27

I guess what im asking is aibu by asking him to remove her

OP posts:

Damntheman · 13/02/2019 13:32

I guess you can also ask him to prove it by not deleting messages. Stopping deleting things shouldn't be that much of a hassle if he's not hiding anything.

combatbarbie · 13/02/2019 13:33

Not unreasonable at all. But if there is something going on he will switch to WhatsApp or kik.

I'm not usually one for snooping but if you can access his Facebook on a computer he may have archived the messages and not deleted them.

Damntheman · 13/02/2019 13:33

Ordinarily I would be a bit meeeeh about telling a partner who they can or cannot have on fb. But relationships are built on trust and he is not inspiring yours currently. He should be actively trying to find ways to help you feel better rather than making the situation worse in my opinion. So.. no, if he's invested in the relationship he will unfriend her on fb.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 13/02/2019 13:36

No YANBU to ask him to remove her and any man who’s not up to something will either prove that they aren’t or will stop talking to the person once they know how it’s making you feel the fact that he is doing none of the above strikes me as A he doesn’t care how it’s making you feel B trying to gaslight you by saying your being controlling and C is either physically cheating or emotionally cheating either way he’s up to something I would be telling him to get lost.

TBDO · 13/02/2019 13:39

Big red flags ahoy. He’s deleted messages because he knows he is in the wrong. He doesn’t want you to talk to rl people because he knows they’ll support you. He’s made you think you are controlling and question your own behaviour - rather than just keep all the messages to show they are innocent (he can’t take this option as he know they are not innocent).

Sorry OP. I suspect you have more to find out.

Delatron · 13/02/2019 13:43

Removing her won’t help. He’ll find a way.

Unfortunately you are going to need to do some digging to get some proof. Otherwise he’ll just keep denying it and saying you are controlling.

RoastOx · 13/02/2019 13:45

I am a delivery driver (snd job) and it was only yesterday where I messaged one of the guys to ask when we would be getting paid as I hadn't received mine. I put a kiss at the end.

I dont usually leave kisses, guess I didn't want to seem rude. Anyway, I'm not having an affair.

I also delete messages, I'm not having an affair.

Are there any other worries? Does he hide his phone? Does he have a phone lock?

PrismGuile · 13/02/2019 13:45

I message kisses to women I work with... but I'm a woman. DP does to one woman but they're best mates.
I think the fact she's most messaged would flagit for me.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 13:47

any man who’s not up to something will either prove that they aren’t or will stop talking to the person once they know how it’s making you feel

If my wife had genuine suspicions that I was cheating (I'm not and never had) then I would happily show her my messages to prove otherwise. That I agree with.

If she asked me to stop speaking to female friends though, that's a different matter. I have close female friends (in fact my messenger is dominated by women) but they are exactly that, friends. I was in a long-term relationship previously where I ended up losing close friends (thankfully the same ones I'm not finally reconnecting with) simply because they were female. She was suspicious and didn't want me talking to/seeing them.

She had no reason to be suspicious though (I never gave her any reason) but I ended up losing a lot of close friends (who pre-dated my then-partner).

Like I say, you have every right to be suspicious and you're entitled to ask him to prove (as much as is possible) his innocence. I'm just not sure about the advice to tell him who he can/can't talk to is good advice.

LagunaBubbles · 13/02/2019 13:48

He will probably get another phone now that he knows you are suspicious.

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