DS's sleeping arrangements - AIBU

[AgentCooper]

DS is 16 months and has always been a troublesome sleeper, has never slept through. Up until he was about 3 months he wouldn't lie on his back (silent reflux later diagnosed), only upright in my arms so for weeks I sat up with him until 5am when DH took over until he went to get ready for work at 6:30, keeping myself awake with Netflix, Diet Coke and flapjacks. I was a wreck, as you might imagine. At 3 months I managed to work out safe co-sleeping for me and DS, in the spare room as DH's snoring is so loud it wakes both of us up. DS still up multiple times a night. About 5 months ago I managed to get him into his cot when he went down at night, though he still ends up in bed with me because to settle him in the cot I need to climb in and cuddle him.

In a few months DS will be 18 months and DH and I had agreed that we would take the sides off his cot so DH could have a go at settling him (DH is too big to fit in the cot). But now DH is saying he doesn't remember agreeing to this and that it doesn't sound safe at 18 months. This conversation came about by DH sitting me down last night and saying we (meaning me) needed to make some proper changes to DS's sleeping arrangements - DS's cot should go into his own room and I should come back in bed with DH. Obviously this is what I want, but if DH is unable to settle DS then it all falls on me again.

I have not had a decent sleep in 16 months. I have done every single night waking because I'm breastfeeding and DH had work to go to (though so do I now, 3 days a week). I feel like I'm being blamed for the fact that DS is still in my bed, that DH and me are in separate beds (no mention of snoring). Even my mum has chimed in, saying euphemistically that I need to change things so DH and I can get back to 'family life.' I feel so angry. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. I have a history of anxiety and the lack of sleep has made it worse (am on ADs and now seeing a very good psychologist). I can barely remember so much of my baby's first year - it's only been in the past few months that I've really felt genuinely joyful and full of love for him. I look at videos of him at 6 months and think how I wish I could hold that chubby wee baby now and love him properly.
I feel like everyone else got to enjoy DS in a way I didn't and how do they have any right to tell me what to do or criticise me able his sleep when I have been responsible for everything since day 1.

So DH basically thinks it's selfish of me to want to take the sides of the cot so he can help at night because he feels it poses a risk to DS. DH isn't useless or lazy - he keeps the house tidy and cooks for DS so I don't know what to do or say. This is maybe less of an AIBU than Am I Being Selfish?

Why does your dh think it would be harnful to ds? You must find a safe place for him to sleep so you can both share the night wakings. Mattress on the floor would do if the cot's not safe.

Is the cot in his own room? My little girl has been in her own room since she was 6 months as my hubby snoring wakes her up so we have the monitor and I've found the only reason she wakes up during night is she's hungry so more solids during the day needed.
Teething and feeling poorly also disrupts but that's normal. I didn't breast feed though I wasn't allowed. I hope you find the solution for your baby as I know one size doesn't fit all lol x

At 18 months your son is more than robust enough for safe and sensible cosleeping with you AND DH. Make changes in your bedroom so that you can all sleep together and lighten the load. I’ve been there, my DD1 (now 4.5) only started sleeping through when she started school at 4yrs 1 month, so we’ve lived the reality of cosleeping. Bigger bed, mattress on the floor, whatever it takes. This isn’t your burden to shoulder alone.

Put a mattress on the floor and get rid of the cot.

Barbarian, DH is worried he'll fall out. But there will be bed guards on and it's so close to the ground.

Kko the cot is still in the bedroom I sleep in, mainly to reduce the time I have to spend up and awake during DS's several wakings.

Reggie that's exactly how I feel. We're not all in the same room because of DH'S snoring. I've asked him what he's going to do about it and he says lose weight but that's not exactly a short term solution.

Ok, we all make judgement calls for parenting, and you will get lots of different opinions on a forum such as this.

1.. No way would I be BF at 16 months - but this is your choice, and it's one that is now affecting your mental health and well being
2.. No ways would I be having a child in my bedroom post 6 months - again this is your choice..

Your DH has his own valid reasons - quite possibly scared of rolling on the child and that is an understandable concern - for not wanting to cosleep. You cant force him to co sleep.

TBH, provided there is no medical reason behind the poor sleeping, the child would be in his own room and left to cry it out until he established a proper sleep pattern.

This is really confusing. Why do you want the sides off the cot for dh to settle him. Surely keeping them on will help him settle as can’t get out and walk around.

If your dh wants co sleeping to stop and you do too then simply put baby in own room and then dh can settle him in whatever way works for him.

In fact could you go and stay with your mum for the first night while he does it

And there is no medical need for a child of that age to need to feed in the night

Your DH needs to work out how to settle his own son without relying on you. It’s not on for him to command that DS’s sleep needs to be “sorted out” and then just leave it to the person who has been trying to tackle it singlehandly for over a year.

You must be absolutely drained

Well done for breastfeeding and co sleeping. It’s wonderful that you’ve given your baby such a close nurturing start, but it’s ansolit not fair that only you do the work of nights!!!

Can you set up a safe bed for you all to co sleep so your husband can help? A mattress on the floor is good.

Maybe a floor bed in your da room for you and dog to take turns settling him back to sleep during the night?

My youngest is 2y 4 m and we’ve just started seeing an improvement, we have her in her own room as of December and we take turns settling her until she comes in with us around 4am.

It gets better, it does, but this isn’t just your job. Can your ah do a full night so you can recharge?

SEsofty it’s not just about medical need, though, if ds has that as a nurturing comfort?

I’m all for everyone going their own path, but natural term feeding is a really lovely thing and we shouldn’t just parent according to medical need. Surely “because it’s lovely and we enjoy it” is okay too?

If ds is used to sleeping in your bed with no sides on, I can understand why you would want to take the sides off his cot. I don’t think it’s necessarily unsafe! Dh can’t just do nothing then criticise your ideas - that’s havibg it both ways. He either helps or let’s you do it all your way

I would prioritise finding a way for you to get as much sleep as possible starting from now, not worrying too much about what you might do in a couple of months when things might have changed.

Can you bring DS into the double bed with you (safely) and DH move to the other room for the time being? Either of you climbing into a cot in the night to settle DS sounds a bit extreme. Hopefully that way you can feed if you need to without getting up and waking properly.

Separate rooms doesn't mean that you never get to sleep with DH again but making sure that everyone in the house starts getting some proper sleep sounds like the starting point.

I personally wouldnt take the sides off at 18 months as my DC have always moved around a lot at that age and often up against the bars.

It sounds like you both need a break and a change would be good for every one. You and DH could make a plan that doesn't include co sleeping. Cry it out, ssh pat, sitting by the bed and slowly moving further away each night and stick to it. Don't get in the mind set that only you can settle DS take it in turns either a night each or a few hours each. Prepare for a really rubbish couple of nights but hopefully if you are consistent you should be able to get him settled in his own bed and you back to yours.

Would he take a dummy ? My 3rd DS wouldn't until he turned 1 and now he will take a dummy and bottle which has taken the pressure off me a bit.

My 2nd DS had horrible reflux and was an awful sleeper so I know how you feel OP and you get to a breaking point and sometimes things just have to change for everyone's sake. Good luck !!

Mattress on the floor, you can join ds for night feeds and roll away- if you wish, and if ds is comfortable being fed lying down. That's the best way to get the most sleep. Don't stop bf if you don't want to, the hormonal upheaval of weaning shouldn't be underestimated, especially if you are currently improving your mental health. There's a lovely Facebook group called Feeding Older Babies and Beyond which would offer you lots of support.

I don’t really understand how the cot sides being down help OP?

I also would say that I’d knock breastfed on the head by that age.

However, I would not leave to CIO - it’s not necessary.

I have two dreadful sleepers - it’s bloody awful. Your DH should be pulling his weight in the night. I didn’t BF but even when I was my DH got up, helped me, walked the baby etc. Even through maternity leave and even when he was working.

We dispensed with the cot at 18 months and went with a floor bed. It was easier for everyone and allowed us to play musical beds more easily.

One of you settles DS in his room, you go back to bed together, then you take it in turns to go to him when he wakes.

Your DH hasn’t done enough overnight. I’m absolutely wrecked and my DH is right there doing it. You must be utterly broken.

But they are not happy hence why asking on the internet for advice on how to change.

If everyone was happy with the current set up then they could just continue as they are. But they aren’t so something has to change

Thanks for your input, everyone. SEsofty, I know that DS doesn't 'need' to be feeding at night - it's just that in many ways the prospect of stopping this while I still have complete responsibility for the nights does not bode well for my mental health. People have asked me why I don't do cry it out etc, and the answer is mainly that I'm too bloody tired to consider it. I do agree that DH should try to tackle it alone and hope that if DS realises he's not getting milk then he may feel less inclined to wake up looking for it!

Thehop, thank you. I feel like everything I have done vis-a-vis DS's sleep has been considered wrong and roundly criticised. To have somebody say well done actually makes me feel a bit teary.

At this age I started sharing night time duties with DH. He got involved in bedtime routine then took it over then started to do wake-ups. Then mummy and daddy took turns to put her to bed. DH very occasionally needed to bring her through to me but he needed to learn how to settle her and I needed to learn how to let him. I would still do breastfeeds on my nights but got a full night's sleep every other night in a different room. Feeds diminished naturally as it was no longer on tap all the time. Get a bigger mattress for nursery and put it on floor instead of cot so you can both cosleep if you need to. Your DH needs to step up.

There must be a way of settling him that doesn't involve an adult climbing in the cot with him, surely.

My advice is do what you need to to get through this. Everyone else can sod off. In particular, MIL but also DH, unless he is willing to take his fair share (50 per cent) of night time parenting. And he doesn't get to demand you go back into bed with him if he isn't willing to sort his snoring.

What works for our family is a floor bed for me and toddler. I roll away to hang out for a few hours but then go back to bed with toddler when they wake. I couldn't face any kind of sleep training which involved crying.

So is the plan to get DH to see to him at night in order to keep DS away from your boob. Is that the purpose of it?
But he'll still be breastfed during the day, isn't that right?
It's still confusing for the baby. He sometimes gets the boob if he cries but sometimes he doesn't.
So he may well still cry in the hopes he does, unless your DH looks after him all night every night.

If it's your shift he'll get the boob, if its DH's shift he won't. Might that be the case?
If you put all your own feelings aside for a minute, and just look at the consistency of the behaviour and see it from the baby's point of view as to what happens to me during the night, and what do I get if I wake up? If you want to train a new habit, it has to be consistent. If it is it takes much less time.
They can be trained to change a behaviour - it was much harder for me as a Mum to change my own behaviour, that's what I found when it was me in your place. It's hard not to take it all personally when you are like a zombie with tiredness - everything is so raw.

How big is this cot if an adult can climb into it?!

Get a sleep consultant to guide you through having your Ds settle himself. It took 3 nights of persistence to get my nephew to go to bed, in his cot, without sil and bil staying with him and he slept through - think about that, 3 nights as opposed to how many more months of you carrying on with this ridiculous arrangement. Even if it takes a fortnight it will be worth it in the long run. This way your Dh gets to do his bit too and it won't be left up to you.

Been there, wore the t shirt. Ds1 had reflux, not too bad, we coped ok. Then Ds2 was born and he had reflux and was incredibly ill. He was under a paediatrician, I had to knock BF on the head as we tried lots of stuff and the only thing that worked was a prescription formula.

So, like you, he slept on me in an upright position in the day and was put into the cot half asleep. He never settled himself like Ds1 did.

But once he was over 12 months old, upright and less refluxy, we decided that we had to stop with the sleeping arrangement. So in the day, he co-slept with me. But this was in my huge bed and I had a child gate on the door in case he got up and I didn't wake. I always woke but it was a safety net for me. There was a bed guard on his side.

At night, we just did the older version of pick up put down, so because he was bigger it was just put down, he kept popping up, so I just laid him back down and used the words time to sleep. No other words spoken just time to sleep. It took 3 nights to crack it. It wasn't easy but I was determined.

I will say that he was given a bottle in the middle of the night (yes we know he didn't need it) but reflux babies reflux if they cry a lot and then they usually vomit up everything, so you have to strip the entire bed etc. He would have the bottle, fed to him by Dh and then he would go straight back to sleep. As did Dh.

In your situation you could remove the side but due to the ability for your child to get out of the bed you need the child gate back up. Do you want to co-sleep or get back into bed with your Dh?

Or do you want your Dh to sleep next to the cot and settle him that night?

Could your Dh take a few days holiday to crack the night time wakings? Does he understand that your son sees you as breastmilk provider so if he went in, then he learns there is no milk coming?

I never let Ds2 cry it out, I was there, I just wasn't picking him up out of the cot. I had Ds1 to get to school so there was that added pressure on my time too.