DS's sleeping arrangements - AIBU

[AgentCooper]

DS is 16 months and has always been a troublesome sleeper, has never slept through. Up until he was about 3 months he wouldn't lie on his back (silent reflux later diagnosed), only upright in my arms so for weeks I sat up with him until 5am when DH took over until he went to get ready for work at 6:30, keeping myself awake with Netflix, Diet Coke and flapjacks. I was a wreck, as you might imagine. At 3 months I managed to work out safe co-sleeping for me and DS, in the spare room as DH's snoring is so loud it wakes both of us up. DS still up multiple times a night. About 5 months ago I managed to get him into his cot when he went down at night, though he still ends up in bed with me because to settle him in the cot I need to climb in and cuddle him.

In a few months DS will be 18 months and DH and I had agreed that we would take the sides off his cot so DH could have a go at settling him (DH is too big to fit in the cot). But now DH is saying he doesn't remember agreeing to this and that it doesn't sound safe at 18 months. This conversation came about by DH sitting me down last night and saying we (meaning me) needed to make some proper changes to DS's sleeping arrangements - DS's cot should go into his own room and I should come back in bed with DH. Obviously this is what I want, but if DH is unable to settle DS then it all falls on me again.

I have not had a decent sleep in 16 months. I have done every single night waking because I'm breastfeeding and DH had work to go to (though so do I now, 3 days a week). I feel like I'm being blamed for the fact that DS is still in my bed, that DH and me are in separate beds (no mention of snoring). Even my mum has chimed in, saying euphemistically that I need to change things so DH and I can get back to 'family life.' I feel so angry. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. I have a history of anxiety and the lack of sleep has made it worse (am on ADs and now seeing a very good psychologist). I can barely remember so much of my baby's first year - it's only been in the past few months that I've really felt genuinely joyful and full of love for him. I look at videos of him at 6 months and think how I wish I could hold that chubby wee baby now and love him properly.
I feel like everyone else got to enjoy DS in a way I didn't and how do they have any right to tell me what to do or criticise me able his sleep when I have been responsible for everything since day 1.

So DH basically thinks it's selfish of me to want to take the sides of the cot so he can help at night because he feels it poses a risk to DS. DH isn't useless or lazy - he keeps the house tidy and cooks for DS so I don't know what to do or say. This is maybe less of an AIBU than Am I Being Selfish?

I totally get that the idea of trying to stop feeding is just overwhelming and you are knackered.

So the first thing you need to do is actually get some sleep and that will help your mental health more than anything.

How about just going to your mums for a night and have an enormous sleep. Dh then has to deal with baby and then you can sit down and think about what to do next

Would DH be willing to do some version of CIO or gradual retreat etc on his own on a friday and Saturday night (assuming he has the weekend off) while you go to your Mums or a friend for 2 nights of uninterrupted sleep? If you tackle it while DS is only 18 months then it might only take 2 or 3 nights. You could come back refreshed and ready to tackle the third night. DH could catch up on his sleep during the day on Sat and Sun (so he isnt too wrecked) and then going forward everyone gets more sleep. Just leave DH with sippy cups of water to offer and not milk as you want DS to reprogram his hungry at night biorhythm and not just switch to another food source.

At 18 months, my youngest was in a bed because he climbed out of his cot.

Probably crazy idea coming up, could DS have a (small) double, meaning you or DH can join him in bed when if needed?

I'm sort of with DH, I think a toddler plus grown adult in a cot is probably not safe, but that doesn't mean there isnt a safe co-sleeping arrangement.

You and DS both need more nighttime sleep, and as a pair, you and DH need to work towards achieving this.

But I'm probably not the right one to ask, given DS2 was sleeping through before DS1, and there is a 2 year age gap...

I am so confused by this.
He doesn't need to be breastfed anymore and you need to get some sleep, so why not just cut it out. This way your DH can start helping. Same with CIO, plenty of ways to do it gently.
I understand that you are tired but you are also making so many excuses when everyone is offering you lots of suggestions.
What are you hoping to get from this thread?

You work 3 days a week and your DH still doesn't give you a night off ever???

That sounds like a perfectly good plan to me. Your dh needs to put his big boy pants on and get stuck in.

We took the sides off the cot when our first was 17 months, no bed guard either. She fell out maybe twice, no big deal, she went right back to sleep.

But having a bed rather than a cot won’t magically fix your dh not helping. He needs to get in there and figure out what works for him. It may not be what works for you, but if he isn’t forced to figure it out, he’ll likely just keep letting you do things so he can go back to bed.

I found my self in a very similar situation with my second. Reflux, terrible sleeper, would only sleep on me, nightly bf... As a result I was a mess. It looks like you have a lot of advice here and I don't have time to read through the other posts but I just wanted to say I think it gets to a point where enough is enough. You have to make a decision that your baby is ok to sleep alone and you are going to help them learn to do that. At 14 months I got advice from a sleep consultant and put that into practice (no crying out - it was very gentle). It took time, patience, the involvement of DH (up to that point he hadn't helped in the nights at all) and a lot of will power. But after just a week or so it worked and after a few ups and downs he now sleeps 7 to 7 - Amazing. You don't have to live that way - get help.

My dd is in a bed at 18 months. Partly because she was a monkey and could throw herself out but like you, I thought it would be easier to comfort her. When she wasn't fully wakened but crying, getting her out for a cuddle made it worse. Patting her and settling her that way is easier when you can sit beside her. Depending on your cot you may be better to convert it properly as ours is even lower that way. Also a rolled up towel or blanket under the fitted sheet helps give the idea of the edge if you don't use a bed guard. We didn't bother with one as it would just have been something else to climb!

*1.. No way would I be BF at 16 months - but this is your choice, and it's one that is now affecting your mental health and well being
2.. No ways would I be having a child in my bedroom post 6 months - again this is your choice..

Your DH has his own valid reasons - quite possibly scared of rolling on the child and that is an understandable concern - for not wanting to cosleep. You cant force him to co sleep.*

^ THIS. I have read dozens of threads over the past few weeks from parents who have children that are terrible sleepers and 99% of them are co-sleeping and still feeding the child at night till they are 2 years old etc... Surely getting the baby in to a good bedtime routine early on, in their own bed, in their own room and stopping 'night feeds' once they do not medically need to be fed milk at night is the best thing to do not only for the child but for both parents also?
I really don't think my DH would have liked to have been banished to the spare room either and can see how this would massively impact a relationship. Break the cycle. Perhaps contacting a HV or sleep therapist for some support & advice should be the next step forward.

We co-slept with a mattress on the floor with my terrible sleeper. I was also breast feeding and it made it all much less disruptive.

Op please get a sleep trainer. I promise you it will change your life

I know it's not popular on here, but I did controlled crying with DD when she was 10 months old. She was in a cot in her own room but crying 5 times a night. I was about to go back to work full-time and I was exhausted and desperate. We did the Supernanny technique of letting her cry for 2 minutes, quick pat, 4 minutes, quick pat, and then it should have been 6 minutes but she fell asleep after 1! So 7 minutes total of crying, and then she slept all night. I felt a complete idiot for not doing it before. I then did the same with DS when he was 8 months old.

Mothers need sleep too!

I'm with your partner here - what you are doing is not sustainable. It is worth trying other forms of sleep training. I think you should put yourself first for a while. Do you ever get any time off? I weaned DD aged 20 months by going away for a weekend at a friend's house - DH settled her with no bother and when I came home I was mentally and physically refreshed.

I really feel angry on your behalf OP, it’s all very well & good pointing out ‘problems’ (though not sleeping through the night / not sleeping well alone isn’t a problem as such, it just isn’t particularly compatible with modern adult life) but he’s a parent too, he should be doing his fair share not coming up with bullshit reasons why he can’t. An 18mth old will be perfectly safe in a cot bed with a guard. In fact, if you get another cot mattress & lie it alongside, your DH can lie on it while he settles him & then it’s added protection should your DS fall.

Your MIL can butt out too, ‘family’ life isn’t going to work while one parent is on their knees from carrying all the strain.

Don’t know if it’s help but this is what we do; our 18mth old is in a double bed with bed guards, I feed her to sleep in there then go downstairs for a few hours. The first time she wakes (usually 1am-ish) DH goes in with her & stays in. I used to go in but he took over when we decided to might wean. This works well for us & maximises sleep for everyone. She has never fallen out of bed, but she doesn’t sleep in a gro-bag just thick pyjamas, and she can climb in & out of the bed easily. In fact, in the morning she now just gets up, climbs over DH & comes to find me for her morning milk

Thanks everyone for your advice. Just to be clear, I'm not sleeping in the cot with DS! I get in there with him to settle him then I get out. After his first waking after I come up to bed I take him out and into bed with me because I'm not climbing into the cot in the dark when I'm sleepy.

PonyPals what I hoped to gain from the thread was opinions on whether or not it sounded safe to have DS sleeping in a bed instead of a cot at 18 months, as this would make it easier for both me and DH to settle him as currently he will only be cuddled to sleep. I don't necessarily see cuddling to sleep as an issue but while he is in a cot only the parent who fits in the cot can do it. DH feels that putting DS in a bed at 18 months would be selfish and possibly not safe for him - I was looking to hear other people's perspectives. Hope that clears it up.

Hugo DH has not been banished to the spare room. Me and DS have.

To the poster's suggesting sleep consultants, could you recommend any?

I'm totally with you OP, I breastfed DS until he was 2y4m and he still cosleeps with me for part of the night. We took the sides off his cot at 12months so either DH or I could cuddle him to sleep, it's not unsafe as we have a baby gate on his door, furniture all strapped to the wall and a pillow next to the bed so if he falls out he doesn't hurt himself.
Just getting the odd evening off when DH settled him made so much difference for us, it really helped. Hope you manage to find a solution that works for you.

Sympathy OP, I also have a poor sleeper and it's exhausting! When DS was around 16 months he went into a floor bed, I fed him to sleep at bedtime then snuck out when he was sleeping. He's 2yrs3mo now and in a proper bed, he feeds to sleep in his own bed then I go to bed with DH, if/when he wakes during the night I go into his bed and settle him, sometimes I stay there the rest of the night if I fall asleep. This works for us, I can't face sleep training, DH and I get time to ourselves in the evening and neither of us care where we end up sleeping in the middle of the night as long as everyone gets enough sleep!

I would also add that feeling unsupported by your partner is going to be far more detrimental to your relationship than sleeping in a different room

TBH I can see why DH doesn't love your idea of taking the side off the cot so that he (DH) can get in it! But he needs to come up with alternative suggestions - and you need to listen to them. I suspect he'll suggest some sort of sleep training and you'll have to discuss what you're willing to do in that regard - I can't imagine you'll want to do straightforward CIO (nor would I) but would gradual retreat be an option? Any solution he comes up with has to involve him doing a fair share (if not all) of the work of implementing it, and to include a plan of what happens if it doesn't work that doesn't just involve you being up all night with him.

Oh and as for not bed sharing with your DH, that isn't anyone else's business. I haven't shared a bed with DH since I was 5mo pregnant as his snoring is awful but we still go to bed together and have a cuddle and chat etc, then go to our separate rooms when we're ready to sleep. Works fine for us, so I don't really care what anyone else thinks

Hugo DH has not been banished to the spare room. Me and DS have

This is not acceptable either. You should be sleeping in your marital bed and getting proper rest. DS has gone through spells of night waking, worse period being on and off for 10 months after removing the bars on the cot bed. I also did the similar sleep training method asp PP of soothing, then leaving the room, repeat as needed. It's not been perfect but I have always refused to have him in our bed because although short term I/DH would get more sleep,long term it'd be a PITA to break the cycle of being with Mum&Dad at night.

Your local Health Visitor should be able to give you some suggestions & advice and will probably have contact details for a recommended sleep coach.

Not the full answer to the question (you DH has alot of stepping up to do!) But have you thought about a Montessori nursery set up? With a low bed? Will try to link.

But I would be bloody angry too in yours shoes.

montessorirocks.org/sleep-tips-for-implementing-a-montessori-bedroom-for-your-baby-or-toddler/

I mean Montessori bedroom, not nursery in the sense of day care.

www.thesleeplady.co.uk/

HugoBearsMummy ever thought that those parents still desperately trying to get their kids to sleep aged 2 by feeding or co-sleeping have kids who just wont sleep otherwise?? Its an effect of having a child who doesnt sleep, not a cause of a none sleeping child?

I endured 2 weeks of sleep training with DS1, at DHs request. It was 2 weeks of sheer hell. 2 weeks of DS screaming for 2 hours straight then falling asleep exhausted. And pretty much 2 weeks of me being as exhausted as ever, knowing id got an even more hellish night than usual infront of me. After 2 weeks we reverted to what id established over months made for the most restful night for everyone - him going to bed on his own, and me joining him halfway through the night.

I still don't believe, aged 9 (years) he sleeps through. What he is now capable of is not disturbing the rest of the household.