DS's sleeping arrangements - AIBU

[AgentCooper]

DS is 16 months and has always been a troublesome sleeper, has never slept through. Up until he was about 3 months he wouldn't lie on his back (silent reflux later diagnosed), only upright in my arms so for weeks I sat up with him until 5am when DH took over until he went to get ready for work at 6:30, keeping myself awake with Netflix, Diet Coke and flapjacks. I was a wreck, as you might imagine. At 3 months I managed to work out safe co-sleeping for me and DS, in the spare room as DH's snoring is so loud it wakes both of us up. DS still up multiple times a night. About 5 months ago I managed to get him into his cot when he went down at night, though he still ends up in bed with me because to settle him in the cot I need to climb in and cuddle him.

In a few months DS will be 18 months and DH and I had agreed that we would take the sides off his cot so DH could have a go at settling him (DH is too big to fit in the cot). But now DH is saying he doesn't remember agreeing to this and that it doesn't sound safe at 18 months. This conversation came about by DH sitting me down last night and saying we (meaning me) needed to make some proper changes to DS's sleeping arrangements - DS's cot should go into his own room and I should come back in bed with DH. Obviously this is what I want, but if DH is unable to settle DS then it all falls on me again.

I have not had a decent sleep in 16 months. I have done every single night waking because I'm breastfeeding and DH had work to go to (though so do I now, 3 days a week). I feel like I'm being blamed for the fact that DS is still in my bed, that DH and me are in separate beds (no mention of snoring). Even my mum has chimed in, saying euphemistically that I need to change things so DH and I can get back to 'family life.' I feel so angry. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. I have a history of anxiety and the lack of sleep has made it worse (am on ADs and now seeing a very good psychologist). I can barely remember so much of my baby's first year - it's only been in the past few months that I've really felt genuinely joyful and full of love for him. I look at videos of him at 6 months and think how I wish I could hold that chubby wee baby now and love him properly.
I feel like everyone else got to enjoy DS in a way I didn't and how do they have any right to tell me what to do or criticise me able his sleep when I have been responsible for everything since day 1.

So DH basically thinks it's selfish of me to want to take the sides of the cot so he can help at night because he feels it poses a risk to DS. DH isn't useless or lazy - he keeps the house tidy and cooks for DS so I don't know what to do or say. This is maybe less of an AIBU than Am I Being Selfish?

We've been through similar. What we did with my first was get my husband to read to my son until he fell asleep, rather than me breasted. He ended up self weaning off the breast at 16 months as I was pregnant but eventually we were able to read to him and leave him awake to then self settle with no tears

I get a bit irritated by people who seem to think cosleeping causes bad sleepers. Firstly in many, many countries and cultures it is the norm for babies to sleep with their families, secondly in this country the relationship is often the reverse: bad sleepers = cosleeping. OP, you have done your best, given your all to your son, and if your husband thinks he can do better then he’s welcome to take over.

we took one side of our cot and connected it to our bed. youngest is almost 2 and still sleeps in there. when he wakes, he comes for a cuddle and falls back to sleep, often in his own bed. As the cot is connected to our bed, he can’t really fall out, but can come for a cuddle

@WinterHeatWave as stated in my previous post, I to have had issues with DS sleeping, which started 1 month after we removed the bars from the cot, he was 2years 1 month old, he realised he was 'free' to roam and we had on and off over the period of 10 months of him getting up, screaming, crying, banging on doors etc. But no I didn't allow him in our bed or give him warm milk etc to get him to sleep because that would have just been adding to the issue as he'd get used to it & trying to take that away would be a bigger problem than him getting up in the first place. I spoke calmly and firmly to him, returned him to bed tucked him in and left the room and repeated as many times as needed till he went off again. Yes it was horrendous yes there were many mornings DH and I could barely wake up for work due to tiredness but eventually it worked.

Apologies but I don't agree with co sleeping, everyone is different and I'm not being rude but I think a child should sleep in their own bed. Everyone I know IRL who have co slept have children that do not sleep very well and WILL NOT sleep on their own when the parents no longer wish to co sleep. Not for me I'm afraid.

Ok, I was breastfeeding and co-sleeping with both my dc at 16 months. Both had finished with no major difficulty well before their 2nd birthdays.

If your dh doesn't want to take the sides of the cot then that's fine, but he will have to find another way to settle your dc when it is his turn to do so. What is not ok is him wanting you to do all the night waking.

I BF AND CO SLEPT with all my 3. Only way anyone got any sleep TBH.
BUT by 14 months mine were in their own room- only just - and we still had regular 'blips' where we'd all end up in the same bed again.. I NEVER put them in a cot in their own room.though - straight to a toddler / single bed with a bed guard and a stairgate ( not sure if that helped or not was just something we did ). If all else fails you can always do a deal - he stops his snoring ( not going to be instant )you'll get back into bed with him

FWIW - all of my children slept well and on their own after this ( apart from when they're unwell obviously,)

FGS, sleep train your child.

BerryTowel, thanks - are you offering? Come on round!

Hi there. Everyone has already said the same things I would. Just wanted to add that you're doing an amazing job, you're doing what works for you & son & it's nobody else's place to criticise- don't let anyone make you feel bad. And, although it may definitely not feel like it right now, it WILL get better at some point. Honestly. X

Thanks to everyone who has offered helpful advice. Hugo, I very much respect your position on this and understand why co-sleeping is a definite no for some.

We have co-slept with all 3 kids. Mostly one parent as a time so we maximise the amount of sleep we get! I quite enjoyed the times of babies room having a floor bed (google montisori bedrooms for beautiful ideas but put a enough mattress on the floor for an adult to be comfy too).

Then you take it in turns, but only after baby is happy with their Dad, we usually found he had to do a week to transition. Strangely, even when snoring is loud I think babies and toddlers find it soothing- they know someone’s there and its regular white noise! Really, I wouldn’t have guessed it but my babies sleep much better with snoring than I do! Then you get your bed to yourself for some catching up on sleep. Sorted. Maybe after a while you can take it in turns... then you can just leave baby in their own room till they wake up And one day they will sleep through. One day...

@AgentCooper Just do it yourself, like the rest of us did. It takes 2-3 evenings. Woman up! This self-pity is ridiculous when there's an obvious and easy solution.

My DS is 18 months, and we are on week 2 of him being in his own room after co sleeping the past year. We too decided to take sides down on cot as he was used to just being in a bed and he absolutely loves it! He finds it so exciting and with a bed guard it's perfectly safe. So from experience I'd say do it!

@BerryTowel who shat in your cornflakes?!

It took YOU a few evenings. Plenty of accounts from people for whom it didn’t work and frankly some people who just don’t like it.

You aren’t a fucking Oracle.

Ive already commented on this thread with my helpful advice but I just wanted to come back to stand up for AgentCooper who I think is taking some seriously unwarranted shit from a few dickheads here.

I coslept and breastfed both of my children. Totally been where you are- especially with DD1 who was seemingly allergic to sleeping for longer than 90mins at a time until she was old enough to be able to read! I know lots of parents of lots of children, all with different styles and methods of parenting and every single one has a story of some kind about sleep- or lack of it.

As for the posters saying things like “just sleep train your child” can you not read?! the OP is saying that they’ve got to where they’re got to because they’ve been stumbling along with no support from their partner, trying to cope in the best way they have worked out how so everyone gets some rest. “Just” sleep training is going to require far more energy than she’s got right now. How about having some compassion and saving the vitriol for her husband who sounds at best unhelpful, and at worst downright obstructive.

So sorry you’re going through this AND being made to feel worse by some of these posters OP.

Oh OP I’d be so angry too. Both my babies had severe reflux and were both on meds for over a year so you have my sympathies! I didn’t breastfeed for as long as you did but I too did 100% of the night wakings (still do really) and it’s bloody torture being the person solely responsible.

My DH, just tonight actually, complained about our sleeping arrangements and I went all guns blazing at him and a lot of built up resentment came pouring out of my mouth - I feel slightly better now!

You’re clearly a wonderful mother and have done so well to bf this long. I can only imagine your DH probably sees you’re so exhausted and thinks he’s “helping” by having this conversation? Sorry I’m rambling and don’t really have any constructive advice but just wanted to say YANBU and I hope things improve and you all get some sleep soon

@BerryTowel it feels like you're assuming all children are the same and because you changed your baby's behaviour in three days, it is possible for everyone. This is ridiculous and illogical. Not everyone feels comfortable with not responding to the needs of their baby and leaving them to cry. Not all babies would change their behaviour as a result of it. Some babies will leant that you don't come when they need you.

OP you've survived this far. Well done. First rule of child sleep, do what you need to in order to survive. I found my son slept better in bed with me until 2. We all got more sleep that way. I had the same as you, nonsupport from my partner, mainly because I took it on myself for so long I couldn't see a way to change it. Also, he wanted to sleep train and fundamentally disagreed with the concept, so I felt I had to do it.

I suppose I'm not offering solutions, just solidarity. You have not made mistakes, you have done what you needed to at the time with the child you have. Many, many people cosleep and bed share and do extended breast feeding (the majority of the human race as it happens) and Don't let people who Chose to do things differently or were lucky to have good sleepers (and have chosen to believe that means they parented better )make you feel bad.

In my opinion you have given him the best possible start. I'm
Sorry it has cost so much

Just wanted to pop on here and let you know that if you have Instagram, then Susie Verrill (mum blogger & girlfriend of Greg Rutherford) has just done an evening of talking about how they co-sleep with their 2 young boys, in an attempt to help other mums realise how normal it is and how many of us do it. I'm sure she is disliked by lots of mumsnet, as are most mum bloggers, but I thought it was pretty good of her to open up about it.

My daughter (3 in March) still doesn’t consistently sleep through - she was ff, slept well until around 7 months then was an absolute nightmare sleeper (up 6/7 times a night, in with us etc) until nearly 2 yo when we took the sides off her cot bed. Being able to get out (though she rarely has) seemed to make her feel more secure and she slept better. No idea why. She still wakes up in the night 4 nights out of a
7 (ish) but rarely more than once.

I let her self settle (not CIO, not against it but I didn’t have the nerve) from around 7 weeks in her co-sleeper (didn’t feed her to sleep or stay with her etc). She stayed in our room until she was about 8 months (for me more than her ) but had a “bed time” from being tiny etc.

I think you get what you get with regards to sleep. OP, things will get better-we’re all just doing the best we can after all.

AgentCooper God you must be exhausted. I had a shit sleeper too and it’s so horrible as it is, let alone feeling that people close to you haven’t got your back about it and are annoyed with you for not fixing it to their satisfaction in the first place. If your DH or your MIL want changes made to DS’s sleeping, they can either help you or they can shut up, they don’t get to give you stern talks about the importance of family life when you’re the one dealing with every broken night.

I would say that make changes to how DS sleeps currently, because this sounds brutal for you. But these changes need to be something that both you AND DH are happy with, and that both you and DH are involved in. And your DH needs to go and see the GP about his snoring for a start.

My awful sleeper sleeps OK now (well, still doesn’t sleep through, but doesn’t wake us up either). There is a light at the end of the tunnel. But I still remember the sobbing despair of broken night after broken night, and smug people with good sleepers telling me I’d brought it all on myself. (“Oh I wouldn’t ever cosleep with mine!” Yeah I said that too until I caught myself walking out into traffic because I was too tired to understand how crossings worked any more, count yourself lucky your baby was more accommodating.)

At 18 months my DD had never not fed to sleep and I slept in her room with her. I got a new job and had to work til 11pm one night. My OH had never settled her before , never even woken with her in the night. Somehow he found his way with no other option. I was like you an exhausted wreck. Leave him to it. It's hard but I sense you are at breaking point.