Visitors after birth

[Acornsforunicorn]

I know this ones been done a fair bit but I’m not sure if I’m being overly hormonal and unreasonable, or not.

I know date when I will be having baby, and in-laws have got really excited and rang dh peer the weekend saying they will be straight at the hospital and wanted to know when visiting times are! I have said it may not be possible for them to visit straight away depending how things go. They then explained That they have taken annual leave that day and they have taken the following few days off also. They got a bit defensive, saying so when I ‘do decide’ they can come, they will be straight along.

Aibu to think this is pushy? As if to say we will be visiting you in hospital as we have taken the day off? And there is a pressure on me to accept as they have taken time off work.

They live locally so could easily pop by after work either at home or at hospital once I am feeling ok, depending how things go. it wouldn’t take a lot of organising. If I was ok on the day there would be nothing stopping them doing this if it fits with hospital visiting times etc.

I’m not saying I want a three week no visitor period. I’m just trying to be realistic about how I may feel, the hospitals visiting schedule, and to maintain a little bit of my own dignity if I was being honest. Not everyone has a smooth ride and looks great after giving birth welcoming visitors with open arms.

But taking this time off, particularly the day I go in just feels like pressure to me that I should bend to their wishes or they will have wasted a day of their annual leave. It might not even be possible for them to visit that day if baby is born through the night.
It just seems pushy and presumptuous to me.
My dad is just going to work and will attend to see us once I let him know.
I would not ever expect to attend to see someone in hospital the same day as they have given birth or had an operation/procedure.

Tell them you will have dh video call them from the hospital and he will let them know when you are up to visitors. End of.
Personally I usually went home same day and ils were there - watching other dc. Wasn't bothered tbh but everyone is different.
Last dc mil (different one!) visited in hospital as dc was prem and in for a week.
Then she vanished into thin air (while other tread there!)
Don't let anyone bully you, or let dh persuade you. It's not his genitals that have taken a bashing!!
Or maybe there is your answer if he does!

"I would prefer no visitors at hospital, I know you're excited, but I'd really appreciate at least a day to adjust and get some rest before I have visitors"

My exSIL and her brood were waiting at our bloody house when I arrived home with DD. I was fucking raging, and shattered after a gruelling long induction and then she spent 3 hours making me run around asking me where stuff was so she could "help". I wish I'd told her to buggar off and at least let me get a shower and change out of my colostrum stained top.

I had a really traumatic long birth DS got stuck ended in emergency ventouse and episotomy. I still wanted to see b immediate family the next day DS was born around midnight and PIL visited at lunchtime the next day, shortly filled by DB, SIL and my parents in the afternoon. My only condition was I want to shower and change before visitors. Each to their own

I don't think you're being unreasonable which is saying something because I think 90% of these threads are unreasonable. Especially if it's your first.

But I also think they don't mean to be pushy. Especially if it's your first .

It sounds like you have a decent relationship. Would asking them to be there when you came home be an option? Rip it off like a bandaid and everybody can oohh and ahhh but still be understanding that baby and you really have had a long day so more likely to keep it short and sweet? You could even ask them to bring a meal to 'celebrate'.

If you know the date, are you being induced or c section?

Inductions aren’t known for being a quick process, and a c section is major abdominal surgery.

Your DH needs to handle this. I felt really vulnerable in hospital- I’d had a fairly straightforward birth, but I was in a bit of shock about what had just happened and just wanted to get home to shower in my own bathroom and get into my own bed.

Are you having an elective C Section? If not then you won't know exactly when your baby will be born. And there is no need to tell anyone when you go into labour.

IMO social media has made this kind of thing more difficult because people expect you to be contactable 24/7 these days.

Them booking annual leave is not your problem. I've never heard of family not attending the birth do that - slightly bonkers in my opinion, but they do just sound excited. Feel no guilt.

Just tell them your DP will let them know when baby has been born and then YOU will let them know when youre ready for visitors/when you've come home. Its putting pressure on to you. You could say, i know youre excited which is lovely, but if youd have told me thats what you were going to do i couldhave advised you not to.

Tell them they can come to the hospital and you will let them know when but no one will be coming home till you say and if you do say it will only be for an hour or so.

Lonicera - oh thats so true, the 24/7 availability. it must be awful with people constantly texting for updates, all not considering there are at least 20 other folks doing so too. And thats just texts. It'd drive me mad. All stopping you from living in the moment. I do wish people would chill out a bit!

Even with a planned c-section if the ward is busy they can bump you to the next day (assuming no issues)

A high risk case / multiples etc can close the ward to newcomers if there are a lot of staff tied up.

I'd try to explain that of course you'd love to see them, but it's not definite and you don't want them wasting leave etc, and will let them know how things go.

I don’t think it’s pushy to have taken the day off - you may feel great and welcome visitors! But if they are demanding about exactly when they want to come, get your DH to tell them to back off. I think it’s fine for them to be prepared, but they still have to wait for your go ahead.

Just tell them you’ll wait and see how you feel. I couldn’t wait for my parents and the in laws to meet their grand child, you might feel the complete opposite. There’s no right/wrong answer. You could always use the excuse that you weren’t put on a ward until past visiting hours.

hopefully all will go smoothly with the birth and you'll be dying for visitors to break up the boredom of being in hospital, and at least they can't then stay too long.
don't worry about it, if you're not up to visitors it's dh's job to let them know

Have you checked when visiting hours are? My hospital only allow for two hours in the evening, so they might be wasting their leave unnecessarily.

I think I would say to them they can’t visit on the day but unless anything changes they can visit the following day and just get the visit over with. They are excited and as much as you don’t want to see them, it’ll probably be easier to know they have met the baby than be constantly worrying about when they will turn up.

You need to nip this in the bud now.

You are right in saying this has been brought up a fair few times before as I had my own post on the same issue but it was my aunty who was pushy.

Knowing your date makes things easier in one way but difficult in another. I let slip to my aunty the day my baby would be born by c section. She then said they would be straight at the hospital as soon as the baby was born. I see her and my uncle and cousin maybe once a year and they aren't local. It was honestly just so she could take pics and put them on fb thus they have been to visit a new baby in hospital.

I told her straight that the only visitors I would be having on the day the baby was born was my own dcs and my mum. That was it.

So she came the next day instead when I was still in hospital. I wasn't thrilled about it but let it be.

Soon as they left the pics went on fb. My baby is nearly 5 months now. We have barely spoke and they haven't seen him since.

Wish I had put my foot down more now.

My dad booked off my due date and the week following. I told him to cancel it. I could have been early or gone over by two weeks (and it was nearly two weeks) so it pointless as it may not be that day anyway. I was a bit confused he didn't realise I wouldn't necessarily give birth on my due date as he has 3 children and we were all late.

As to hospital visitors, I only had my in-laws visit the day DD was born (in hospital) and massively regretted it. I asked my parents to visit the next day once we were home and it was so much better. I felt so uncomfortable in the hospital. I had to have an episiotomy and had an epidural so I'd only just had the catheter out when they arrived. I felt a mess as I hadn't had chance to shower or change into fresh clothes and the painkillers I had were only just taking the edge off the discomfort. I wish I'd waited until the next day at home when I felt cleaner and had a bit of sleep. Plus I was breastfeeding and my inlaws (and my parents) were very uncomfortable with it which didn't help.

Obviously you may feel differently and may have a birth that doesn't require forceps etc. But even if you don't and you still don't want visitors in hospital that's fine, you've just given birth, people need to be considerate of how you feel as well. It won't hurt anyone to wait until the evening or the next day to see the baby, it'll still be a newborn.

If they're really pushy and you're not up to it, the midwives in the ward will be your best ally. Tell the PIL no visitors until the next day or you can visit but only for an hour or so - midwives orders. The ones I had were fabulous and turfed out a cocklodger partner/father who was creating and upsetting his partner in the bed opposite me. They were very polite and professional but he was out of the door before he knew what was going on. They told him mum and baby need to rest now and we've got obs to do , off you go home now and basically ushered him out.

Only 5% of babies are born on their due date, so it's bizarre that they'd request that day off.

They're being pushy beyond belief and your DH needs to tell them to back off.

I agree with PP, say something now (or make DH) about letting them know when baby is here but you might not be up for visitors straight away, it’s your call. I am Very much in the you can visit straight away(ish) camp, but even I managed to get pissed off when my DM and DB showed up at the hospital when I hadn’t even made it out of the delivery room or had a shower! I would have liked at least that time for me and DH with DS. This time I’m not even gonna tell people the baby’s been born until I’ve had a shower and put on some underpants!

It sounds like they’re just excited; I’d just let them know that as nice as it is they’ve booked the time off it may not be possible for them to visit on the day then if it doesn’t work don’t feel bad.

If you are being induced often the date may be changed last minute depending on how busy they are and even then inductions can take a long time, I was induced with my last and from start to finish it was three days and then we were kept in hospital for another two and were not up to visitors except DH and my other children. So it was day 6 from induction date when I was home and saw others. They may want to bear this in mind if they are booking annual leave...

Also, I would simply say you will welcome seeing them when you are home but hospital is for you and DH only, but obviously without a crystal ball you won't know in advance when this will be.
Don't be bullied into something you don't want.

You can be nice about it though: "We are so pleased you are excited with us, and we can't wait for you to meet new grandchild but we have decided that we would be most comfortable with visits once baby and mum and safely home, with any luck this will be very soon after birth but we don't know until the time."

Also, if they are excited and want to be involved maybe ask their opinion on baby stuff, send them scan pics, ask them about their experiences with newborns etc. Make them feel wanted and valuable but clear that visiting initially will be on your terms.

I don't think there is anything else you can say, all you can do is reiterate that it sadly may not be possible for them to meet the baby on the day it's born as it will depend on what happens on the day.

I gave birth at 4pm. My hospital didn't permit visitors to the labour ward. I wasn't moved to the post natal ward until 9.30pm, visiting ended at 9.00pm so no one could visit. I sometimes wonder whether the midwife did this on purpose as MIL and Sil regularly called throughout the labour and DP had to start leaving the room to take the calls because I was getting so pissed off.

There can be some advantage of hospital visits in terms of fixed hours. If your PIL are the type to hang around all day, you could call them and say they can come at 7pm then they'll be told to leave at 8pm (whatever the hours are).

I was the same as you. I didn't even have my own parents or best friends visit me in hospital because my first birth was so awful. Around 24 hours of labour with every intervention being steadily applied until his heart rate dropped and he was pulled out very quickly by forceps. As a result I had a humungous tear that took an additional 3 hours to repair in theatre and i couldn't walk for a day after (catheter and all that glamour). I was so ashamed and mortified by my bad birth, I refused anyone but my husband to come visit me in hospital even though I was there for several days. Adding to that, my baby got suspected meningitis straight after delivery and was kept in hospital for a week. So again another reason why I decided I didn't want visitors celebrating my baby's birth when my baby was so ill. Anything can happen.

I would tell them - it's so lovely that they are so excited to meet your child - and it genuinely is. My parents wearnt really that bothered and were on holiday when he was born (which they booked when I was pregnant and knowing the edd). HOWEVER nobody knows how your birth will go. It could go very well in which case you may be delighted to have them visit same day - or it may go badly. Women and babies are still dying in labour in the UK. Or coming out with life changing injuries. I'm not trying to be a negative nancy (I'm aware it's very much coming across like that lol). But I'd be laying it on thick to them that nobody has any idea how it will go and consequently whether you will feel well enough to see anybody following the birth. And that you're nervous about how things will go because it's your first birth. Hopefully that will make them feel like they shouldn't guilt you about not wanting to see them straight after. They just have to wait and see. If it goes well (and if you want them to visit) then your husband will call them. If not, then your husband can keep them updated and they can enjoy the day off and see the baby once you're both recovered and at home.

Without being too specific and outing I know the date as having an induction with a plan for low threshold for a c section.
So it could potentially end up being the middle of the night but probably won’t run into days like some inductions do.

This is my second child, they did this when ds was born and turned up at the hospital for ages. In the end the midwife told me to say Iwas exhausted and needed them to leave.
I just don’t want the pressure this time as I remember last time. But I think because I set no ground rules the first time, they think I am being precious and obstructive this time.

This is a different hospital to when I had ds, that doesn’t have open visiting hours like the one I was at when I had ds so they may not get in to visit the day I am admitted anyway regardless of what happens.

I was induced with ds also so the date was roughly known then, but it was Friday running into a weekend so no issues with annual leave taking etc.

I meant to add a point to my post but totally forgot.

About 5 mins after my aunty and uncle arrived, the paediatric dr came round to do the baby check. He shut all the curtains around my bed and I assumed they went to wait outside the room.

Dr did the check and noticed something not quite right. I was in tears. Dr opener the curtain and my aunty etc were still stood there and had heard it all.

Thankfully baby was fine but I was so uncomfortable that they knew something that felt incredibly personal at that time.

So just from experience I feel it really is important to have who you want there and when you feel up to it x