Visitors after birth

[Acornsforunicorn]

I know this ones been done a fair bit but I’m not sure if I’m being overly hormonal and unreasonable, or not.

I know date when I will be having baby, and in-laws have got really excited and rang dh peer the weekend saying they will be straight at the hospital and wanted to know when visiting times are! I have said it may not be possible for them to visit straight away depending how things go. They then explained That they have taken annual leave that day and they have taken the following few days off also. They got a bit defensive, saying so when I ‘do decide’ they can come, they will be straight along.

Aibu to think this is pushy? As if to say we will be visiting you in hospital as we have taken the day off? And there is a pressure on me to accept as they have taken time off work.

They live locally so could easily pop by after work either at home or at hospital once I am feeling ok, depending how things go. it wouldn’t take a lot of organising. If I was ok on the day there would be nothing stopping them doing this if it fits with hospital visiting times etc.

I’m not saying I want a three week no visitor period. I’m just trying to be realistic about how I may feel, the hospitals visiting schedule, and to maintain a little bit of my own dignity if I was being honest. Not everyone has a smooth ride and looks great after giving birth welcoming visitors with open arms.

But taking this time off, particularly the day I go in just feels like pressure to me that I should bend to their wishes or they will have wasted a day of their annual leave. It might not even be possible for them to visit that day if baby is born through the night.
It just seems pushy and presumptuous to me.
My dad is just going to work and will attend to see us once I let him know.
I would not ever expect to attend to see someone in hospital the same day as they have given birth or had an operation/procedure.

Try to make things crystal clear with them pre-birth. I learned this the hard way

DH and I were told the postnatal ward visiting hours were about to change. Let’s say it was usually 1pm but we were told it would shortly change to 3pm. We relayed this to both sets of parents.

I gave birth and things didn’t go to plan. Third degree tear, separated from baby and DH to go to theatre, then spent time in recovery before being taken to the postnatal ward. I was exhausted, catheterised, still numb from the epidural and so traumatised. The midwives had no time to check me or the baby or check whether the baby had fed (nope, she hadn’t). I’d never felt more vulnerable in my life.

Unbeknownst to us, FIL has phoned the hospital to check the visiting hours. He was told “3pm, no that’s wrong, it’s 1pm”. MIL was at work, but he didn’t wait for her, he jumped on public transport and made his way to the hospital. He was desperate to be first

So, I’ve been on the ward no longer than 20-30 minutes when FIL bowls in, moaning on and on that we were wrong about visiting times, and then sends DH away from the ward Can you imagine? There I am, battered and exhausted, bag of wee hanging off the side of the bed. I didn’t want DH to leave and to be left with only FIL for company. He’s not exactly a conversationalist. If I hadn’t been so upset, I would have been furious.

I’ve never forgiving him for being so fucking pig headed. He didn’t even tell us he was leaving early, he just turned up.

Can you tell them that the date has been moved to a couple of days later?

Working on the postnatal ward I've seen plenty of occasions where too many visitors too early has caused issue. Not to mention the fights to be the first to see the new baby that have made me think about calling security! The main difficulties, I feel, are with feeding cues from baby being missed (as the newborn is passed around or woman is too embarrassed to try feeding with visitors present) and women not getting enough rest. All this can disrupt bonding. I do understand that families are very keen to meet new arrivals, and that new parents want to show their baby off, but when our wards close to visitors (due to norovirus) we always seem to end up with more content and rested mothers and babies.

YANBU to feel that you are being pressured to accept a visit. They shouldn't have mentioned about taking a day off work. I think it's probably wise to wait and see how things go. All the best with your impending arrival.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

We also know the date baby will be born. And for this reason this time haven't told a soul. We will be dropping the kids to school, going to the hospital and then dh will be going back for them later. With an emergency "could you pick x up we've had to nip the hospital" if absolutely necessary.
I don't want any visitors in hospital. I want my little family and my dignity and people can pop in if they like when we're home but that's your time with your baby, put your food down and stand your ground as it's time with your baby to cherish that you can't recreate. Let them wait. Let them winge.

I had a similar induction, low threshold for c section baby would be born on that day. As it turns out induction went well and was quick but i was very unwell afterwards had a PPH etc. I was kept in a recovery ward in the delivery suite for about 6 hours before i was moved up to the postnatal ward and no visitors apart from birthing partner are allowed into the recovery area so i was able to avoid any visitors until the following day as visiting time was over before i was moved to the postnatal ward.
You could always give them a call and say baby is born but you aren't on the ward and won't be until later on that night and visiting will be over by that stage so you will give them a ring tomorrow with the visiting details and where you are

My MIL is one of those that wants to know the moment your waters break. I've told her we'll be doing the same as we did with DD and that's that we'll inform her the birth has happened when we're ready for visitors and that may be the same day or (as with DD) a day later. The only person who needs to know I'm in labour is my mum as she is having DD for us while it's all going on.

I'll do the same as with DD and that's to get home and relaxed before we tell people that she has arrived. This time we'll also be waiting until after DD has met her sister and had some time with her.

Could you just say the date you have is only an estimate and could vary so you wouldn't want them to waste their leave ?

Just be clear about who you want when, my in laws changed their holiday (after being asked not) came to the hospital when I didn't really want them too, but my husband did (mainly because my parents had come the day before) we'd just been told we'd have to stay in. I still stress about it now.

Don't your maternity wards have security doors and a security guard? ours do. No one gets in or out without getting past firstly security, secondly reception and lastly the nurses station.

There is neither right nor wrong, for every new mother that wants to be left totally alone, there will be one who is posting here about how her family don’t care and she's neglected, there will also be grandparents posting about how they are being kept away from their grandchild.

As said, this is a forum of many views, personally I don’t comprehend the baby-as-a-personal-possession attitude some have. You are either part of a wider family or you aren’t; if you are going to exclude everyone (generally PILs, your own mother will be tolerable) then don’t be surprised if your partner get mardy (its his baby too, and he is likely to want his parents to be a part of their grandchild’s life, he will be proud), down the line you don’t get any help or assistance because you’ve pushed people away.

It isn’t difficult to lay down the ground rules in a fairly humorous way – you get to hold the baby once you’ve made coffee/stacked the dishwasher/don’t the ironing/got the shopping on the way here. Or you take the opportunity to go to bed and your partner can juggle baby and his parents.

I'd also be worried about them saying they've booked off the few days following the birth too. What are they planning to do - be at the hospital and/or your home all day every day? I'd definitely set their expectations there.

Oh sorry I thought it was your first. In which case - if I were you, I'd just keep it light and breezy. I'd say "yes dh will let you know once baby is here" and then once baby is here, don't let them know until you're discharged (if it's 2nd baby, should be discharged home quite soon as they are usually faster/more straight forward) and then claim that after the baby was born, dh forgot to text because placenta took a while to come out so he was holding the baby, then midwife was asking questions for baby paper work and then you all had to move sharpish onto the ward as bed shortage and before you knew it- visiting hours were over! That's genuinely what happened with my second. Except instead of being moved to a ward, we were discharged home. If DH is on your side, he won't mind going along with it to preserve your well being but also relations with his parents.

Be gentle: they're excited and overstepping boundaries but in many families it's the norm for close relatives to be very involved after the birth. In many cultures the new mum will have several close female relatives from both sides helping out (holding the baby while the mother rests/cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping/providing emotional support/entertaining the older child).

I thought I only wanted DH there for the first week so asked everyone not to come! Then felt a bit envious of the mums on my ward who had big families fussing over them, bringing balloons, congratulating them etc. It's all very well wanting to be a tiny unit but bringing a newborn home was stressful and exhausting without family support.

Next time I plan to have inlaws and bil on standby so they can visit in the hospital, take us home, look after us and generally just be there for reassurance!

Thanks all. I think everyone has a valid point. I genuinely don’t want to push anyone out. I think some women are really unfair to their in-laws also, refusing visits from them for weeks but allowing their own families. That is not on at all unless your in-laws really are horrific. But there has to be some reasonable compromise to be reached. When they have already arranged time off work though, it seems they have already made their minds up that things will be how they were when I had my first, no peace for me and constant intrusion of privacy.
Perhaps the issue is if a man had an operation on his penis or major abdominal surgery he wouldn’t be made to feel bad at all if he didn’t want to make polite conversation with his mother in law.
But because there is a baby involved, dare to speak out for your own needs and people take offence.

It is so difficult as you just don’t know how you are going to feel.
I know after ds I felt so fed up, everyone celebrating the new baby when I felt as though I’d been through one of the worst and most traumatic experiences of my life.
And having visitors that constantly outstayed their welcome added to the pressure I was feeling.
The midwife/maternity worker makes some good points also, I feel like my breastfeeding not working out last time was in part due to no peace from visitors in hospital and then when we got home, plus pressure from the in laws to FF.

My in-laws arrived at the labour ward a few hours after laddo was born, whilst I was still in the bed I'd laboured on, unwashed and looking a state. Worse than that, laddo was awaiting transfer to NICU and was very unwell. We had no idea they were coming, hubby had told them that the baby was here but they hadn't mentioned visiting!! I wasn't happy. 2nd time around, I had a home birth and had asked for a week with no visitors, we weren't sure how laddo would react to a sibling. Hubby went against it and invited his parents on day 4. I wasn't impressed but there wasn't anything I could do about it. If you don't want them there, tell them.

My MIL burst into my cubicle after I had DD while the midwife was examining me and i’ve never forgiven her for it. She was supposed to meet DH downstairs and he was going to bring her up once the visiting had started but she decided she knew better.

Although it’s a planned csection it could still be a day or two depending on emergencies, staff levels etc. I would do as previous posters have suggested and say DH will contact them once everything’s good to go.

Auch that is the a post natal nightmare.
I don’t think I could have been civil with her after that.

We haven’t really to be honest. I’m sorry to admit I lost my temper and told her where to go never got an apology so our relationship has never recovered. I can still remember seeing the shock on her face when she realised the midwife had her hand up my bits

I'm old so obviously things were different in my day but I think you all tell your families far too much. If you told them that when you go into labour your phones will be turned off and did exactly that, they wouldn't be able to contact you. I wouldn't share my induction date or even that I was having one. Just let them know the baby's arrived when you're up for visitors.

@AuchAyeTheNo Fucking hell, I'd be furious! How did she react when you told her where to go?

I know after ds I felt so fed up, everyone celebrating the new baby when I felt as though I’d been through one of the worst and most traumatic experiences of my life

I felt like that acorns. I remember having a bed surrounded by people but I was in so much pain I couldn’t speak (if I opened my mouth my teeth chattered). I wanted my mum to stay and everyone else to piss off but didn’t feel able to say that. Instead, everyone went. DH was great but I did want my mum.

She sort of stuttered something and walked out of the room, she didn’t even close the curtain behind her

DH met her in the lift and she said she had obviously upset me so wouldn’t be coming back. Thankfully the midwife told DH what happened so he was full of apologies when he came back and wasn’t best pleased. He gave her an earful later that day on the phone.

Joys of family!

Mil took 7 days holiday for my due date. I opted for a vbac and went 13 days over and ended up with a csection anyway. She had gone home 3 days after my due date after promising to clean our bathroom and help me- she did neither and went home saying she was bored🙄

First thing she said when she came to the hospital- hugged me and said in my ear -bet you wished you had just had a csection to begin with- vile woman

Bluelady is spot on.

Also agree with Blue, far too much information is shared these days with everything having to be instantly on social media etc. When I had my DS I told no one my due date, eventually I had to be given an induction date, I still told no one. After DS was born (EMCS - very traumatic) & I had come round from the anaesthetic etc I phoned my parents & DH phoned ILs. Everyone respected our privacy, no one came rushing to see us.

I do appreciate that if you need care for existing children it is a little more awkward but otherwise no need to share everything. I have a DS & the main thing I’ve learned from Mumsnet is not to be an over bearing MIL.