To ask if your DH has a highly stressful but we'll paid job how's your work/life balance because mine's not great

[rEallifeisbest]

DH has gradually worked his way up his career ladder to the point he is at now. He was offered a job just over a year ago with a big salary. At the time I said don't do it if the stress is going to take over, but he thought the money would counteract all that and we'd have nice evenings/weekends etc. If course the job is extremely involved, his workload is huge and he invariably brings his work home - if not physically then mentally. This then impinges on our supposed great evenings/weekends to the extent I feel I am losing him😢He knows how I feel but says he can't leave or he'll burn his bridges, what a great opportunity this is, he'll relax more but he is extremely conscientious and can't. How do other families manage their lives when one works in a really high pressured job?

DH has never asked me if I would be returning to work and I don’t think it’s ever even occurred to him

How unbelievably selfish of him.

Just because he earns more doesn't mean he gets a free pass on housework and childcare.

I am not suggesting that.

I am talking about effort and time spent working- money doesn't come into that.

My OH works 55 hours a week.
I work 20 hours a week.

I earn 30% more than he does.
I do 70% of the housewpork because I have more time.

It's nothing to do with earnings.

It isn't really always a free choice is it though? Sounds more like the man needing to pursue his career is typically presented as a fait accomplis and the wife can either also do that, at personal cost to herself and children (as will be the one organising home and child anyway) or can take a step back / go part time / give up "for the good of the family"

It's not always a choice, it comes down to earning potential. But often it a choice. The wife of a high earner can afford to work. Because they can afford the cleaner, the childcare etc. As the wife of a higher earner, you have more choice than the wife of a low earner would.

And sahp or part time is a valid choice.

Also you sign have to accept working full time and taking on most of the work. When this happens there are many things both partners could have done well before kids to avoid this situation.

I am not extremely lucky, DP definatly takes on more house work than me. I was clear with DP that my focus was on my career and my child and he could either take it or leave it. I do, house work. I wouldn't leave the house a mess because i wouldnt take the piss of him like that. ButI dont do as much as him. Because that's the conversations we had right at the start of our relationship.

I find many women are happy doing it all, get a routine and don't discuss how it will change when kids come along. The men are happy being ran round after and don't think to change either.

Besides which if you are both earning well, pay and outsource lots of the jobs.

The choices are available if one or both of you are high earners.

speakout
Your situation sounds fair.

I think im speaking more generally........there is often a perception that because one partner earns more then their job is more important. Not always the case.

There are plenty of people out there working long days, weekends, two
Or three jobs for
Very low wages. Stop moaning

A number of posters have not only expressed a sense of unfairness but also a sense of their life not being as they imagined because of their DHs high paying, stressful and all consuming jobs. That doesn't sound fair to me.

But most of these posters knew their husbands were like that before marrying them and having kids. If that's the case there isn't really much surprise.

If you don't want to be with someone who is a workaholic. Don't be. But you can't marry them have kids with them then expect them to change who they are.

Fair point boys

M DH knew before we got married that I planned to work after children and would expect equal contribution to housework and childcare. It's important to have these conversations before marriage and children.

Boys - yes fair enough I did know what DH was like before I married him. You can never be sure how things will pan out though. And I’m not “moaning.” People were asked how they manage work /life balance so they are responding.

Cost, yes we discussed it before we married - that we would have children, that we would work full time, that we would find childcare, that domestic tasks were shared (or split between us).

What is clear from my 997 diary is that I did resent him working 6 or 7 days a week more than fulltime when I earned a lot more per hour. I wanted him not to work at weekends (and if he let me knot my office for 2 hours at weekends I could earn what he did the whole weekend). Perhaps we were both fighting to avoid 10 hours of minding lots of toddlers all weekend though rather than anything else. Although that is not quite fair as I lovd time with the children and it is much easier once ou have more than 2 if you can share them out a bit. My parents did that at bed time every night - one too my brother and the other us girls for stories etc as the girls shared a room and our brother the other.

It is a bit surprising that you have only mentioned your work-life balance and not your DH's.

I have a well paid and stressful job. DH has over the years done a variety of full time, part time and (very part time) consultancy work. We could afford for him not to work, but my view (and his) is that it is his career so up to him. Funnily enough, his hours have reduced as the children have got older...

The things that have helped us (particularly in the times when DH worked longer hours) were:

1. having a fantastic nanny (when DC were younger)
2. Cleaner
3. online shopping
4. short commute. My male colleagues in equivalent roles (most of whom have wives who are SAHMs) live in beautiful big houses in the likes of Surrey with commutes of more than an hour each way. My commute is about 20 minutes (shorter in a cab!) which gives me extra time with the DC, and also enables me to attend school events without being missing for too long. I am sometimes a bit envious of the big houses but for now time is more important to me. We will move further out for some greenery when DC leave home!
5. Ability to compartmentalize when i am not working. That does not mean i never work at home or on hols, it just means i dont think or stress about work when I am not actually doing it. So if I get home in the evening knowing I still have a couple more hours of work to do, I will set myself a start time (e.g. 9) and not think about it until then.
6. Lie-ins when I can
7. Nice holidays and other treats (so that it feels "worth it" now rather than just in the future). The difficulty is making sure the DC are not spoilt, so the focus is on family treats rather than individual treats.

Our contributions to housework are not equal even when I am at home (I do less than DH, although i think more than my male colleagues) but I certainly do some (and we would increase the cleaner's hours if DH wanted). Overall, I think my overall contribution is currently greater but when DC were younger I would have said it was about even (but different).

Boys - yes fair enough I did know what DH was like before I married him. You can never be sure how things will pan out though. And I’m not “moaning.” People were asked how they manage work /life balance so they are responding.

I didn't say you were moaning. I was responding to the poster who said

A number of posters have not only expressed a sense of unfairness but also a sense of their life not being as they imagined because of their DHs high paying, stressful and all consuming jobs. That doesn't sound fair to me.

My point being is that while it's not fair, getting married and having kids implies you are Happy with it.

Yes Boys and I totally accept that I’m 50% of my marriage and therefore responsible for the situation we are in. All I would say is that, people, men and women, are not the same at say, 25 as they are at 45. People tend to get more entrenched as they get older and patterns can emerge without you even being aware of it. I think this is what the OP is getting at and is wary of and she’s probably not wrong.

For instance, my DH has a better work / life balance now, in that he can work from home pretty much as he chooses. He did this yesterday and, tbh, it’s much easier for me when he’s at work because it’s constantly, “darling could you get me coffee / x/ y/z” because he’s on conference calls that go in for hours; or there’s some critical deadline; or he’s getting angry about something - and all this affects the atmosphere in the house and everyone feels like they’re on eggshells. He does have an office but trends to wander round the house, pacing, on calls which means everyone has to be quiet. I couldn’t unload the dishwasher even yesterday because he was set up at the kitchen table and kept making hand signals at me to not clank dishes. This is a pattern he’s developed because I generally do make him dinner / drinks etc in the evenings, so he has come to expect this if he’s home all day. Yes it’s up to me to change things if I’m not happy, but all I’m saying is it’s not always as straightforward as you may think.

I have never said it's straight forward.

As I said I am the high earner and Dp does the majority at home. It's disrespeful and rude to take over the whole house or family areas when working from home for shouting for coffee.

That problem isn't that he is a high earner. That is that he is acting like a dick and you are facilitating it. Being a workaholic doesn't make you a dick.

My point is that while it may seem 'unfair in someways, that's what all parties signed up to. If one has then developed some shitty habits, then that needs tackling.

*From my own experience, I find that most people, who bring work home, check and answer their emails at 2-3 am, look at their phones again at 5 am before going to work and even call people while on holidays, do that because they are addicted to work rather than because they are genuinely that busy.

Unless your DH is a CEO of a massive company like the apples, googles or the amazons of this world or a prime minister of a country, there is absolutely no excuse for him not to find any time for his family at all.*

Rubbish

Or rather

From my own experience, I find that most people, who bring work home, check and answer their emails at 2-3 am, look at their phones again at 5 am before going to work and even call people while on holidays, do that because they are addicted to work rather than because they are genuinely that busy.

Unless your DH is a CEO of a massive company like the apples, googles or the amazons of this world or a prime minister of a country, there is absolutely no excuse for him not to find any time for his family at all.

Rubbish

DH is managing a lot of sales and runs a company in addition to his job. He earns a lot. I used to work in investment banking/capital markets and switched to accounting, worked at big4 while having our 2nd and 3rd DC. I also have my own company, renting and renovating homes.

DH travels 3-4 days a week, sometimes over the weekend and we have a lot of clients who visit us. He is home most nights, flying out at 5am, returning 3-8pm depending on the destination and business.

I'm different to most wives because I work and I have a good career. I don't earn what DH earns but I'm getting there and I earn a lot, enough to support my family. I'm the CFO of a subsidiary company which is a heck of an accomplishment for anyone, let alone someone who has 2 DC with autism, a DH who is extremely busy and a toddler.

We don't have a cleaner. DH and I do the cooking. We have one car. We live well below our means and financially speaking make it very much worth our while to work like we do.

OP, you need to talk to your DH. You need to both be happy with the choices you are making. In terms of housework, you need to be very organized with set routine he can step into when he is home. Outsource his 50% of work and make him responsible for organizing it. Men can organize a cleaner just as easily as a woman. If the salary doesn't cover this help he needs to renegotiate terms of his employment. He should also fight for an assistant. It's life changing to have a good one.

DH gets calls at 2am from the port and from distributors who have last minute questions. About 1-2 times a month he jumps in the shower, throws clothes on and runs to the port (we are 20mins away) to sort out the issue. He can't send an underling (junior person will go with him sometimes or will join him at 7/8am) and it's also why he is paid more. From September to December 22nd DH spent 4 nights at home in total. It was an insane schedule but was needed because of a deal and four huge global contracts he was working on. It was great that he took a week off and then returned to work doing normal office hours for a week before taking a day trip.

It's not the glamorous life to be the spouse of a highly paid person. It's hard work to make it successfully without losing yourself. From the outside looking in lots of people think we 'have it all' and in some ways we do. I like to think we have good problems because they are solvable and with some though can be overcome. However, it's not the rosy life many think it is and it's very hard to get it right so everyone is happy.

Still reading the thread but I can give a child’s perspective. My dad was one of the VP’s for an American bank & work was his life, he lived for it. My parents separated & not one of the couples from that friendship circle are still together. Now this was the 70s/80s so the whole excessive use of drink & drugs didn’t help. My mum was a SAHM & had cleaners, au pairs etc. She studied & did exams & went back to the workplace once we were all in secondary school because she was bored. I love my dad & hes a good dad but work came first, which must have been very hard for my mum. I knew I would never marry a workaholic or follow him into the same industry but I appreciate I’m lucky that my dad’s sacrifices meant I could make those choices.

Dh works long hours (8:45 - 7:30) and overnights in a stressful job. It doesn’t hit on weekends (apart from the stress) but every single family holiday we’ve had he’s spent time everyday on the phone to clients/headoffice or sending emails. At least once a month I have to remind him to leave his work stresses at work.

I’ve ended up doing all the domestic work, cooking, cleaning,shopping gardening, organizing holidays/ dinners/ birthdays, activities and childcare, something I’d never imagined doing, I always thought it would be something I shared with a husband. DH does very very little although pays for someone to do the ironing. However I wanted to stay home with the dc when they were little, especially as we are a dual nationality/language family and I have no family support here. I also knew what his job entailed before we started a family.

I justify it in my mind as DHs job is to provide us with a home, pay the bills and secure our dcs future, and although we’re not rolling in it I appreciate how lucky we are. My job is to facilitate him in this and support our children.

To keep things in balance I have never stopped working completely. Although I earn a fraction of DHs wages it is essential for me mentally to have something other than what I’m going to cook this week to think about. I’m also a town councilor which keeps me busy and active within our community. I try and have everything done on a Friday afternoon so weekends are completely clear for us to enjoy as a family. Make sure that you have time as a couple (something I’m guilty of not having done recently). When the dc were babies we took turns to have a lie in, he appreciated that I worked just as hard and for longer hours as he did at work. If you can afford it, get a cleaner or someone to do the ironing, it’s one less responsibility and gives you time for other things.

The long hours don’t really bother me as much as the stress, but I do sometimes wish he’d finish earlier so we could have evenings as a family.

indig husband taking over the whole house for his calls is totally unaccepable. He needs to lock himself in his office and keep it all in there. I can hardly imagine anyone behaving like he is!

fancynancyclancy That is just one child’s perspective. My children would give a different view - which might be more to do with less drink and drugs! We barely know anyone in a circle of high earners who isn’t still in the same marriage. Our children and their friends had very stable and privileged teenage years. Before that it was a bit tougher as we moved up the career/ financial ladder and ours would say it was better to have more space, more money and greater security.
All of ours are very close to their father and call us at daily, usually. They have happy memories of us following him around the country staying in nice hotels and collecting free things from the conference marketplace. It meant they had fun weekends at all sorts of places.
Our son still,asks for “men’s time” although it’s moved on a bit from sitting on the child seat of my husband’s bicycle and disappearing off to buy a newspaper, a comic and some sweets.

Well of course cherry it’s only my perspective & like I said the 80s was a very different time, for one the technological advances today make it much easier to have a better work/life balance. My dad wasn’t involved in the drink & drugs but it was very common & obviously working for American banks meant he travelled a lot to NY, he loved his work so it’s probably a personality thing as well.

Isn’t divorce reducing anyway? I’m incredibly close to my father & of course I enjoyed & still do enjoy the large family home, holidays, house in the South of France etc but I still think it was hard on my mum, harder for her then for my siblings & I. I have 2 dc & the thought of doing bedtime, cooking etc alone for most of the time fills me with dread.

I gave up my career a little after DC1 as it was too inflexible, involved travel, too demanding & reducing my hours just wasn’t an option. However I wanted to work & was worried about a gap. I found a 2 day p/wk job which was in a different industry but utilised some of the skills I had. The pay was crap (£12 p/hr) but I went ft & learnt more etc.. about a yr ago (after dc2) I moved again & have a great local p/t job that’s almost TTO & my pay is almost double. I still don’t earn what I did but I should in the future & I’m so excited to have the chance at another career. DH facilitated all this because he paid for the childcare & never once mentioned that my salary was much lower than childcare costs. If one of the DCs is sick we both work around it, his career is not more important than mine.

I've given up my career to be a sahm. I wasn't a mega high earner but high enough at the age of thirty to be a higher rate taxpayer, with management responsibly for six teams of people. So you could say I had potential.

I did it as an active choice. DH didn't mind if I wanted to remain at work or stay home. I spent my twenties with my nose to the grindstone working long hours (as a result of company culture and presenteeism rather than absolute need, in hindsight). I wanted to 100% be present for my children in a way that I couldn't be with that kind of job. I also didn't want to put them into childcare. No judgement to those who do at all. But it wasn't what I wanted.

DH is a high earner, not quite six figures but not far off. He has a very responsible job, has been with the same company since graduation 15 years ago and worked his way up. He leaves the house at 7am and returns at 7pm. He occasionally works from home in the evenings or at weekends on a company laptop but not often. No company mobiles are allowed due to the nature of the work so that is a positive.

When he is here we split childcare and household responsibilities 50/50. Obviously he's not here most of the week which translates into me doing the lions share of the housework, admin and childcare etc. But that's fine with me. He couldn't tell you when the car MOTs are due; etc. Currently, that's part of my 'job' if you like.

It is about balance. DH has recently turned down another promotion which would have meant a jump in salary because he knew it'd mean longer hours and far more foreign travel than he wants to do. He didn't even apply for it, he was approached. He explained, honestly, to his boss that he needed a balance with family while we save small children (we have a toddler and a small baby) so thank you but no thank you, for now.

His boss has been amazing. He is such a valued member of the team because he works so bloody hard (without working all hours of the night and weekends) that they've arranged a semi-promotion for him with a smaller salary increase with a view that he'll take the other job in maybe five years. They want him on board, so he's been able to negotiate in a way that suits us.

Family comes first, for both of us. The perks of a decent salary are great, but not the be all and end all for us. We also don't feel the need to maintain an expensive lifestyle. Neither of us drive new cars, we shop to a sensible budget and don't have lots of expensive holidays. So if our income dropped, we'd still be ok without a huge change.

I hate it when people assume sahms are poor bedraggled women who only exist to prop up men's careers or that they must have just had a shit job before having children to have wanted to leave it. I didn't. I had a great job. I did love it. I just love being at home with my children more and my DH facilitates me If anything.

I am a very well paid senior executive and I run my own business on the side.

I am a single Mum ( not out of choice) to 2 DCS under 11. I use a child minder 3 mornings of school drop off and 2 pick ups. I have no nanny, au pair, no cleaner ( but I could seriously do with one!) no family in the country to help out.

So much of what "men" spout about their busy jobs is bullshit. This is about prioritisation. i come home and do the housework, bills etc - sorry this flop in the chair I can not cope crap is self indulgent.
I go in early on the 3 days of child minder and I come home late on her pick up dates ( late means 1830)
I will not do meetings after 1630, no breakfast meetings, I do not go out for social drinks after work ( believe me that is a huge part of staying late) and video conferencing has reduced my travel immensely.

When I come home till sprogs are in bed work is non existent, I will then spend 30 mins doing some emails ot be sent at 0700 and then I do my own stuff - watch TV, get on exercise bike etc.

Life is hard but seriously this not coming home till late, work calls etc - it is all manageable and you as the individual control this. Set your parameters and stick to them 80 of the month. I am often heard to say - you got one late unscheduled meeting per month - choose it wisely because when the real crisis hits then I will not be here. Not needed one for 6 months and no crises.

It is hard work to enforce but there is a way to have a hard work life and family.

Let me be clear, I would far rather not have the stress and an easier shared life but with a non paying errant father someone has to provide. I realise I am lucky but really your DPs can do more!