To ask if your DH has a highly stressful but we'll paid job how's your work/life balance because mine's not great

[rEallifeisbest]

DH has gradually worked his way up his career ladder to the point he is at now. He was offered a job just over a year ago with a big salary. At the time I said don't do it if the stress is going to take over, but he thought the money would counteract all that and we'd have nice evenings/weekends etc. If course the job is extremely involved, his workload is huge and he invariably brings his work home - if not physically then mentally. This then impinges on our supposed great evenings/weekends to the extent I feel I am losing him😢He knows how I feel but says he can't leave or he'll burn his bridges, what a great opportunity this is, he'll relax more but he is extremely conscientious and can't. How do other families manage their lives when one works in a really high pressured job?

Where are all the women whose careers have been facilitated by men? Oh wait.....very few and far between.

Here!

We’re both high earners. But when our second child was born, I went back to work when he was 4 weeks and my husband stayed home for 18 months.

We now have 1 day a week off together when the kids are at school/nursery and we have one evening out a week together. Money is important to us, we wouldn’t change our careers but our marriage is also important and our evening out every week is the most important. I have weekends off (with a bit of work to do at home) and he has every other weekend off. I think we’ve cracked the balance now and couldn’t be happier.

Secondly, the women who are staying at home or part time, have for the most part chose that.

It isn't really always a free choice is it though? Sounds more like the man needing to pursue his career is typically presented as a fait accomplis and the wife can either also do that, at personal cost to herself and children (as will be the one organising home and child anyway) or can take a step back / go part time / give up "for the good of the family"

@NotUmbongoUnchained WHOOP high five to you and your DH - nice to see!

All the Partners in my old team had children, and they all had a stay at home wife. Except the only female Partner, her husband gave up his job in an investment bank and stayed at home.

On the one had that was super nice to see, on the other hand it did send a message that you couldn't be a partner in that team AND have children unless you oculd 100% focus on work and work only.

@NotUmbongoUnchained if you don't mind my asking - what professions/fields of work allows you to both remain high earners AND work only 4 days a week?
I used to be a lawyer and I just don't see how the demands of clients allowed for the client partner to work only 4 days.. so I'm just curious

I’m work in engineering and he’s a doctor. I work late 2 nights a week to make it up and he makes it up at weekends. But we always have our fridays off, and we go out every Thursday night. It’s doable with a great boss!

NotUmbongoUnchained

Sounds like things work well for you- not every workplace has such understanding and flexibility- thet's the problem.

Many employers expect 110% in times of hours and effort- my employers have been like this- and OH's certianly have. If he was to ask for part time working or flexibility for child care he would be first out of the door.
Small companies can do as they please- he enjoys his work. ( IT industry) but the people that get the promotions are childless women or men who have wives to care for their children.
In a team of 28- 27 are men, and one is a woman with no kids.

It is hard. I’ve always been the only woman (i was a patent attorney before switching). Luckily I’m very confident and assertive (like a man )

I tell them what I’m willing to provide for them and tell them what I expect of them in return, and if I don’t like it I won’t work for them. It’s always worked well for me.

Apologies for the derail: NotUmbungo may I ask what being a patent attorney was like? It's often touted as being well paid but doable from home, but I don't know much about it.

Imagine the biggest pile of paperwork you’ve ever seen in your life, then times it by 1000.
Meeting with clients and looking at their work is fun, but it’s mostly driving around to meetings and doing paperwork.

This thread is full of intelligent, motivated women who have jacked it all in to be a house wife to ensemble their very important DH to continue in his career.

I didn’t jack in my amazing and high achieving career for my DH, I did it for my kids. I could never have been the mother I wanted to be doing that job, though it fulfilled and consumed me in my 20’s. I now do a full time job from home, paid 3 times the national average wage, with an amazing nanny who I work hand in hand with, and never ever work outside of 9-5. I have less than zero work stress and can do this job in my sleep after the hard work and learning I did before kids.

What I did for my husband was give up doing family stuff together, that’s the compromise. It makes the evenings and mornings a little tougher than they otherwise would have been but come 7.30pm all 4 kids are in bed and I have free time then while he continues to work till midnight. The flip side is we have no financial problems. And he’s doing really important and fascinating work that makes me proud. He does spend quality time with the kids between the hours he works. And is always on hand when vomiting bug hits.

It’s not so black and white.

Hmmmm ok. Possibly not for me thanks.

Where are all the women whose careers have been facilitated by men? Oh wait.....very few and far between.

I can think of plenty of examples but it’s often simply a choice by the woman - I didn’t want my children in institutional care from a young age and felt best placed to care for them during their early years.

It’s also financial and practical if you have more han one child. Most maternity pay is not adequate for a family to live on.

In my circle we have a headteacher whose husband’s earnings meant she could retrain after children from being a physio: A solicitor who set up her own practice because her husband earned enough to fund the start up costs and a GP senior partner whose surgeon husband’s private work paid for the partnership when she went back full time having been a locus for a few years.

It’s all about being equal and working together for the common good rather than vilifying all men.

Very interesting thread.
My first reaction was that it comes down to priorities. DH works long hours and is often woken in the middle of the night or has to put in a couple of hours from home at the weekend on occasion. His phone is always on.
But he’s very clear that he works hard to earn the money that allows us to enjoy life. And when he’s home with us, he makes every effort to switch off and leave work behind. He monitors his phone but has clear lines for what can wait and what is genuinely urgent.

However, I think I could stand to learn a lot from him. When we first met we both had demanding jobs, and I fully understood that he didn’t have a 9-5 situation. I didn’t put pressure on him because my previous relationships had floundered over partners not respecting my commitment to my job. I’m a very focused and intense person, and I give my all to everything I do. I find it extremely difficult to spread myself around, or switch off. Honestly, if I were the high earner in our relationship I’d probably be like the op’s dh. Or not, as I burnt out and had something of a breakdown.

So now I’m, as it was described upthread, facilitating dh’s career. Though in my view I’m facilitating a family lifestyle. And in his view he’s doing the same.

Though in my view I’m facilitating a family lifestyle. And in his view he’s doing the same.

Totally agree.

Yes I did ift for my family.

I became a SAHM because it made my life easier , supported my kids and helped OH do what he needed to do to support his family.

I didn’t jack in my amazing and high achieving career for my DH, I did it for my kids. I could never have been the mother I wanted to be doing that job, though it fulfilled and consumed me in my 20’s.

@Auntiepatricia
Genuinely not trying to be confrontational, but why wasn't it possible for you to be the mother you wanted and keep your career, but it is possible for your DH to be the father he (and you?) want and progress his career?

Is it because you had higher expectations on yourself? Society pressure of what a mother should be/do? Or that you knew you'd end up doing everything anyway so be pulled in a million directions? Or just your priorities changed post children?

I can’t speak for my DH regarding they type of father he wanted to be. But for me, I grew up with a SAHM and she was/is a great mum. So I wanted to be, like her, very present. My former career was 100% out of the house, sometimes foreign travel, always working till at least 9pm and sometimes till 3am. I would literally never see my kids. My DH may work insane hours but he’s home at 5pm and dips in and out. I could never have done that with my job. My job would also have dictated where we live, away from family and in a city (or with long commute). His job means we can live where I always wanted to raise a family, in a big old farmhouse with land for horses and very close to city centre where he works. Family live 3 mins away.

So the mother I wanted to be involved seeing my kids every day and living somewhere like my childhood and my job wouldn’t have made that possible. DHs job is different and he can do his job, still see kids daily and live where the family want to be.

I didn’t want my children in institutional care from a young age and felt best placed to care for them during their early years

Using the word institutional comes across as a bit judgmental as it has negative connotations.

It’s all about being equal and working together for the common good rather than vilifying all men

I agree although in this thread there are a number of women who have found themselves in not very equal situations

I agree although in this thread there are a number of women who have found themselves in not very equal situations

Who?

I'm not going to pick out individual posters as that is unfair but a few people have pointed out that they work and pick up more than their fair share of childcare and household responsibilities....that seems pretty unequal to me.

As a child of this dad it breaks u.as a wife ditto.

CostanzaG

It's about being fair though.

OH and I share the burden fairly- that doesn't mean we have to do every task equally.
He works 55 hours a week, I work 20.
I never clean out the fridg or tidy kitchen cupboards
He never does laundry.

We both put in equal effort, and we both feel it's fair.

OP, I’m probably about 15 years ahead of you and this is my situation-

DH runs 2 companies (IT related); he’s sold another 2 in recent years, plus facilitated an IPO. He also has a quite extensive investment portfolio which is time-consuming; a City Index portfolio which has been high drama recently; a property “sideline” of about 50 flats around London; and he’s a non-exec director for at least 3 other companies as far as I know. He has been self/employed since he left banking in the late 90s. Basically everything has snowballed and he has no cut off between work and home life. I would say he’s a workaholic and he would probably agree.

As a family we’ve had little choice but to go along for the ride, which, at times, had been something of a rollercoaster. I’ve had several DC in the last 15 years and haven’t even had the breathing-space to consider returning to work. DH has never asked me if I would be returning to work and I don’t think it’s ever even occurred to him. Of course there have been many benefits to our lifestyle, but in terms of the work/ life balance, this is how I’ve coped with it -

• I’ve probably stopped expecting too much - eg. for him not to bring work home or for him to switch off at weekends. I let him do what he needs to do, basically, and I work around this.

• I focus on the fact that he’s a good man who is generally very kind and means well, albeit a workaholic. I haven’t gone back to work or even thought about it until very recently. I’ve never left him with the DC overnight, I don’t think. I try and balance things out at home, so that there’s a calm and supportive atmosphere for the DC and him. I absorb all the DC stress so that he doesn’t have to and also DH “offloads” in me about work on an almost daily basis - this is the must exhausting part, tbh. I have a cleaner twice a week so I can focus on keeping the house in order and cooking healthy meals etc as I think this is important to everyone’s wellbeing. DH also has a lot of hobbies eg. mountain-climbing, diving and racing driving that take him overseas a fair bit - again, I just let him get in with it because it’s the way he relaxes.

I probably sound very passive and maybe I am in a way, but I can also appreciate that I have a very privileged life in other ways. I’ve loved being able to focus on the DC - this has suited me - and I haven’t begrudged supporting DH over the years. Our marriage is still strong and we’ve made it this far which probably speaks for itself. But recently, I have been in therapy and found myself trying to separate out what I want, as opposed to what he wants as a focus if the sessions which has surprised me.

So what I would say to you OP, is that it’s very difficult to change people and not everyone is suited to being in a supportive role, as it were. What happens is, they make the money, your lifestyle adapts to this and then it becomes a self-fulfilling / necessary cycle and your roles become more entrenched. But I would say that “quality” of time does not necessarily equate to “quantity.” Despite everything, DH has always been very respectful and kind to us and this goes a long way.

My DH is a high earned and I am a SAHM. He is out of the house a lot during the week but is lucky to have become senior enough in his role that he doesn’t need to put in the face time he did as a junior. Even still he’s out the door at 5:30 and back at 7 which doesn’t give him an awful lot of time with the children during the week. Luckily he has a job that doesn’t require much/anything in the way of additional hours over the weekend. Once he’s out of the office he can switch off and focus on us.

I gave up my well paid successful career before having children. I absolutely hated it and it was making me depressed. Children came along shortly after and I have since retrained but am putting the new career on hold until my children are at school as it doesn’t make sense financially and I want to be there for my children. I sometimes feel sad that I’ve worked so hard and don’t use my qualifications at all but overall I’m much much happier so those moments pass by quickly. Mostly I feel lucky that I have a DH who will support me with whatever choice I make and that we can afford for me to choose.

speakout
Equality doesn't mean splitting everything 50/50 it is absolutely about being fair and being happy.
A number of posters have not only expressed a sense of unfairness but also a sense of their life not being as they imagined because of their DHs high paying, stressful and all consuming jobs. That doesn't sound fair to me.

Me and DH work similar hours but he earns more than double what I earn. Just because he earns more doesn't mean he gets a free pass on housework and childcare.