To ask if your DH has a highly stressful but we'll paid job how's your work/life balance because mine's not great

[rEallifeisbest]

DH has gradually worked his way up his career ladder to the point he is at now. He was offered a job just over a year ago with a big salary. At the time I said don't do it if the stress is going to take over, but he thought the money would counteract all that and we'd have nice evenings/weekends etc. If course the job is extremely involved, his workload is huge and he invariably brings his work home - if not physically then mentally. This then impinges on our supposed great evenings/weekends to the extent I feel I am losing him😢He knows how I feel but says he can't leave or he'll burn his bridges, what a great opportunity this is, he'll relax more but he is extremely conscientious and can't. How do other families manage their lives when one works in a really high pressured job?

Honestly, one of our ways to cope, is not living like my husband earns as much as he earns. That way, he can walk away at anytime, and we don't have to worry about keeping that same level of cash flow coming in. That removes part of the stress of the job.

The second is that I'm currently at home (with our 13 month old), so I do the life admin side during the week, which makes his long hours easier. Although I will go back to work sometime this year, so that could make it trickier. At the weekends we share everything, and we have very strict rules about work emails, calls etc. He only answers now if the shit is really hitting the fan!

Thirdly, we review almost monthly how it's all working, for both of us. This was originally going to be a short term post for him, while we saved for a house, but he's really enjoying it at the moment, so might continue. But I don't want to be a SAHM forever, so we need to keep an eye on how it all works.

You just need to keep communicating. Money is very useful - but what's the point of having it, if you can't use it to facilitate a decent life? Otherwise it's just a load of paper stacked up somewhere, or digits on a bank statement.

Agreed, but there are two sides to it. Not all men want to work stupid hours and not see their family

Absolutely. Both parents should be equally involved in their children’s lives where possible. That’s the optimum situation really.

ArchiesMumm if he's well paid do you really need to work 3 jobs?

Ours is pretty crap, i'm a trainee teacher and DH is a paramedic. We can go a few weeks without both being free at the same time. But we plan in advance when we are both off (so weekends or holiday) and we completely switch off everything work wise! I imagine it to be much harder with children though

I've watched my dad burn up for years and he missed out on so much of me and my DSis growing up. He is now only working 2 days a week (still good pay due to the nature of his work) and my DM finally has her husband back.

My DH works 7 days a week and till midnight most nights. We are still very much a team but I worry about his health and stress levels. I work a piss easy job, 9-5, Mon-Fri from home with a full time nanny and a cleaner coming once a week. I earn very well myself. I don’t do much housework but do keep everything ticking over in the evenings and weekends. I feel like I can’t complain as he is the one working all the time but in reality I sometimes get angry that I didn’t sign up for doing his share of our life. I outsource what I can but not the kids much because they need their parents so I make sure to be around always. Having said all that, I knew who I was marrying and am very proud of his achievements. I had plenty of my own achievements before the kids came along and they are my focus for now. I get out once a week for an evening class and if I arrange it, he stops working to mind kids and put them to bed so I can do dinner and cinema with a friend. It’s not a bad life, I get control of the TV every night and he’s there in the background always but the feminist in me hurts a bit regarding the default structure of our family due to his work. I tidy, run the family and put every meal on the table. Urgh!

DH runs a company - very high earner; I work full time and earn well too, though not in his league. No children as yet. I have a cleaner once a week and shirts / ironing is outsourced. I do the bulk of keeping the house / shopping/ dinners / arranging activities and holidays. Most of the time I accept it for what it is, sometimes it irritates me that I’m expected to just get on with this and do the bulk as my job is hard/ stressful too. I think we could outsource more which would be easier. DH is out of the house from 7 - 7 each day, works in the evenings and weekends too. Sometimes he’ll work on holiday also but generally not every day. Week days are hard - we have a couple of hours in the evening to catch up / discuss domestic issues if any and then go to bed. We both travel with work too, frequently. We make a point of booking holidays/ weekends away with each other though, so I guess get our time then. It certainly wouldn’t be for everyone but it’s what we both signed up to.

@blueskiesandforests probably not, but love that I have my own money and don't have to rely on him for anything. Plus it's not quite as simple, 1 job I have to stay in at the moment for maternity (full time job I hate), 2nd job I'm a makeup artist and can't really just quit and 3rd is pub work in which I only do 2 nights a week at most, but really enjoy.

We are in this position. Financially we need the money and DH is obsessed with doing well in his job, to the point it has pushed us out as he can’t fit anything else in.

Hopefully things will get better but I don’t see how.

I am in a similar situation.

TBH I don't mind.
I work 20 hours a week- OH workd long hours and often brings work home & on call a lot. Our youngets is 18 and is away at University.
So we don't get a lot of time together.
His work is stressful but he enjoys it.
When he has time off he cokks/shops/clears the fridge.
His housework is mistly centered around he kitchen and making food, which is fine with me- I have lots of time to do other jobs-m which tbh isn't a lot of work.

I am self sufficient in terms of feeling fulfilled with my life, I exercise, I run a small business from home, I love to potter, garden, walk in he woods.
Oh and I will have the occasional evening together and some wine- maybe twice a month.

We are boh happy with the situation.

I like the fact that we don't live in each other's pockets.

"CostanzaG

All these women facilitating men’s careers and allowing them to opt out of their household responsibilities....... so incredibly depressing to read.

Where are all the women whose careers have been facilitated by men? Oh wait.....very few and far between."

Exactly. Women just don't have that at home because 9/10 their husbands are building their careers as well. We are very equal in our household with the outside the home stuff we do (whilst both working full time jobs), but I could never put in the hours some of the men at work do because I have childcare commitments. The men usually get their wives to do all that so they don't have to think about it.

I think you should decide what you want as a family. Certainly there is truth in short term pain long term gain.

We had exactly that situation with me trekking the children around the country to see their father who was working three demanding jobs at once to allow us to be financially secure. I worked part time and did nearly everything else during the week.
As the children got older the benefits of working like trojans and sacrificing ‘me time’ kicked in. We went into the teenage years relatively affluent. There were no money worries. Our children could take part in expensive activities and developed good work ethics through role modelling.

Now youngest is at university and we are still both working through choice. We have lovely holidays, fly business class outside of Europe, never ever worry about money or pensions. We have helped our children get on the housing ladder and set them up for a comfortable life. We’ve a wedding next year and can make it as extravagant as desired without taking on debt.

Yes, there were hard times but, by golly, it was worth it.

This thread is full of intelligent, motivated women who have jacked it all in to be a house wife to ensemble their very important DH to continue in his career.

Very depressing.

KenAdams

But that's a choice that individual familes make.

The wold of work is set up to favour those with no child care responsibilites.
Having two paents work full time when they have children is often a crap life, unless they are earning enough to afford nannies or au pairs.

I read so many threads where women work full time and are also having to do the bulk of housework at home too- often there is great disparity at home.

OH and I both had demanding careers, ;lots of unexpected overtime, lots of travel, including abroad. having us both work full time would have been a nightmare when the kids came along.

Ideally we would have both cut our hours to part time- but that was not possible, and would have stifled career advancement.

So I gave up work totally to look after the kids.

You can call it "facilitating" if you like, but they system is fucked and I was pot about to push for a change using my kids and family as battering rams.
I took the solution that worked for us as a family.

Family life was relaxed, weekends were not spent trying to catch up on stuff , everything was calm and relaxed.
As the children grew and went to school I worked out ways to earn money at home- much easier than I thought.

Every family has to do what is right for them.

I don't buy the myth that we can have it all- a high flying career comes at an expense - for men and women.

We're in this situation and I do struggle with it. DH's job is all consuming, when he's not at work he is on his phone or tablet connected with work. I think he uses it to avoid family life to an extent. He finds it difficult to be truly present with us. Numerous family holidays have been ruined or cut short with his work.

I work a few days a week as a solicitor. I enjoy my job but I am definitely curtailed in what I can do or aim for. There is no real scope for progression at my work (flat structure) but even if there were, I dont want to increase my hours or take on more responsibility while I have so much of the burden at home.

We've outsourced a bit at home - a mother's help and a cleaner come a few hours a week plus some nursery hours. I am not a natural housekeeper though and the house, laundry and admin do overwhelm me. DH is keen to just outsource more but we can't for a few reasons, mostly our location. There just isn't the availability of staff. DH has basically counted himself out of the household stuff completely, except helping with bedtime when he's home in time. He doesn't tidy or do laundry, cook or shop.

I feel awful when I feel negative about it. I am SO lucky in loads of ways. I just don't feel I have the quality of life I thought I would on this kind of household income.

Looking back over my life and the decisions I've made I realise it all led quite naturally to this point. It seems I very carefully and deliberately chose my bed and then made it. It's just not as comfortable to lie in as I'd hoped!

I do think this is fascinating. How have we managed to create a world of work where quality of life can suffer so much? I'm likely to never earn big bucks, but I'm quite senior in my field and I do see, and know for myself, how damaging it is when burnout starts and decisions get overblown and work becomes all consuming. It is addictive, the adrenaline kicks in. However overall, it's not good for me. I'm not as nice a person when I'm in that state. Balance is everything, but it's an active ongoing process to find that balance.

The way we cope is that we live in separate homes during the week (not that my DH works particularly long hours or seems to get particularly stressed....though I'd be massively stressed doing his job).
So he lives in town and I live in zone 4 during the week, with DC.
The "trade off" in this arrangement is that he pays for an extra day of childcare on one of my non working days, and he is very present (in spirit as well as body) at the weekend

This thread is full of intelligent, motivated women who have jacked it all in to be a house wife to ensemble their very important DH to continue in his career.

Firstly it's not full of women's who did career comes first. You seem to have conveniently ignored the posts from women who have a great careers.

Secondly, the women who are staying at home or part time, have for the most part chose that. Despite choosing a career over staying at home, I can understand that's not the only valid choice.

Calling it depressing is condescending and uncalled for.

It’s also full of intelligent, motivated women who not only have fantastic careers but seem to picking up nearly all household and childcare responsibilities.
That is depressing.

Yotally agree with the last two xomments.

Comments.

Mine is great, because of how DH has structured his career. I don’t know if it’s replicable but I will share in case it’s useful.....

DH qualified at his firm and has stayed there ever since. It’s given him a lot of goodwill/leeway/contacts and he’s part of the furniture there.

He chose an area with few deals/time pressured deadlines. His work is very interesting but he rarely HAS to complete something by tomorrow or whatever.

He set expectations early. After he’d qualified he’s never been one to work early/late/weekends to impress. He starts at 930 and finished at 530 unless he absolutely cannot (rarely).

BUT cruciallly his performance is fantastic. He’s a totally safe pair of hands. Clients love him.

Slow and steady. He probably “should” have been made partner 2 or 3 years ago. But he doesn’t do evening marketing and doesn’t work late so that’s definitely held him back from progressing as quickly, But he will now be made partner next year so he’s got there, with more experience and a solid client base. We took the view he earned enough doing what he’s doing without sacrificing family time.

He only markets by taking clients to breakfast and lunch. Only does about three or four evenings a year marketing.

Has deliberately developed client relationships with people like him I.e. people who want to go home in the evenings not get drunk. They are all also being made partners now in their respective firms and it’s all starting to pay off.

Totally ruthless with recording hours/time. If he thinks about something on the bus he will charge for it. So he always makes his hours target.

We chose a smaller house but with an excellent commute.

Think that’s about it. I work 2.5 days a week 10 minutes from home and we do the usual have a cleaner, someone who looks after the lawn, online shopping, non iron shirts etc. Live on top of the school and that’s helped enormously, school run literally a few seconds long.

This thread is full of intelligent, motivated women who have jacked it all in to be a house wife to ensemble their very important DH to continue in his career.

No, this thread is full of intelligent motivated women who understood raising a family well is important and that a bright motivated parent is best placed to offer that. Few can afford to raise children on a mothers maternity pay when there is more than one child. Father’s can’t breastfeed. I think career hold rather than giving up is a better way of looking at it. My career took second place but ticked along until I was ready to step up more. The gap hasn’t been detrimental and I am on what most people would consider a very good salary with a fascinating and important job. Not in same league as my husband’s salary but one step down from executive director in a very large organisation.

Women don't stop being valuable members of society when they are not in the workplace.

I jacked in my career but my contribution did not stop.

And what;s moere it allowed me to get off the treadmill and explore different ways of earning.

I jacked in my career 20 years ago.
Life has never been more fulfilling.

I have lots of time to nurture myself - my life is in balance.

I'm 'between husbands' at the moment , so considering the type of future I want. This life is definitely not it. Really interesting reading everyone's experiences.