Going to shop and leaving baby.

[ManaPana]

Just had a discussion with DH.

He's got the car, DS has a fever, I was having a bit of a moan as he was meant to do shopping yesterday. I looked in the fridge and he didn't go. Not a big deal, he usually does it and his dad came round unannounced, plus Sunday shopping. It slipped his mind.

I said I need some food. DS has a temperature. I'm exhausted. I'll get a pizza takeaway.

He said why don't I just leave DS home for 5 mins whilst I nip to the shop (realistically this would probably take 10 mins).

I'm shocked he would leave a 13 week old baby at home on his own. If he woke up and nobody was there he could be left screaming for 10 or more minutes. What if there was a fire? (Unlikely but could happen), our house was burgled, or he had a car accident? Again all unlikely but possible!

AIBU to be really nervous about his way of thinking? To think it's bad he even suggested this?

My god I can't imagine sitting on the loo with a baby on my knee.

God forbid, I even had a 10 minuet shower whilst said baby was sleeping.

@MynameisJune oh wow that's really interesting I never knew that! Makes sense now.

No, I have thought about it in the past, he shop is 3 mins walk away, when there is no milk or bread, but thought what if there was a fire, or I collapsed and needed to go to hospital and baby alone in the house. Can you get a friend or neighbour to sit with the baby, or home deliver.

Definitely a no go!

Tesco do same day delivery after 7pm if you can get a slot and finish your order before 1pm

@MynameisJune I really have to query what you have said. Can you post a link to the science behind that. I really do not think that babies are at risk of stopping breathing from 'being left in silence'.

Definitely a no go leaving a young baby at home alone. I do get confused with mums on here saying they couldn’t shower, go to the toilet etc without the baby. If they aren’t crawling they can’t exactly go anywhere!!

Actually I did become a single mum... I worked and had to shower when he was in bed

Well why on earth would you post:
I only showered when DP came home.
if you are a single mum.

Seaweed42 there is no study behind it, it is one theory.

Er because I used to shower when Ex DP came home before I became a single mum?

And now another child with DP and showered when he came home?

I’m not sure this thread needs my whole history!

@claudia because I’m sure I’m not the only one with a baby who got extremely distressed if left alone for even a moment. I literally could not go out of the room.

Not that this helps the thread!

I just think it's a bit weird to be so smug about it, like anyone who would leave the room for a second is a shit mother, when you know from experience that being in the room with your baby 24/7 isn't possible when you are a single mother.

I did have to be in the same room when my child was awake as a single mother! Only when he was asleep could I do anything. I tell you exhaustion was how I felt, not smug!

I responded to others saying hey it’s fine to leave the baby in other rooms so why not down the road. I said that being within ear or eye shot was how most of us judged this. And a lot of us cannot even shower until they are in bed as our babies are not safe / too upset.

You are claiming you would wake your sleeping baby and drag the high chair in to the toilet every time you needed to go?

No. But if I needed the loo I couldn’t wait for the baby to go to sleep, that could take hours! And obviously I couldn’t leave him on his own because he’d be hysterical. I had to take him with me. Sometimes even when I took him with me he refused to be put down and I’d have to hold him while I was on the loo.

My DH said this once - I was heading out for dinner with friends, asked what he was going to do for dinner and he said "would you mind if I went to pick up food across the road while DS is asleep?" (There's a takeaway place a 3 min walk down the road. DS was about 6 months)

My reaction was "yes I would mind VERY FUCKING MUCH". To be fair, he immediately got it and promised never to do it. I made it really clear what I was worried about (DS waking up, fire in the house, DH getting detained or hit by a bus), plus that things like this meant I didn't feel comfortable going out and leaving him, and he got it - hadn't occurred to him that he could be in an accident, or the fire risk. Had he argued with me about it I would have been really angry.

That said his instinct on that one was wrong but I think you always have one parent a bit more laid back than the other and that's not a bad thing - as DS has got older I've found that's actually been good in terms of preventing me mollycoddling him (though he's still not left alone to pick up takeaway...). And now I'm on third DS I do sometimes really wish I could just pop to the shops while he's asleep...but still no!

@cosmiccomet I relate and sympathise!

@postman I see what you are saying but it’s really stressful having a DP who’s slack on safety, I’d much rather have one on the same level? Or at least taking the basics on without having to be told again and again. We need support from our partners and not to have to argue every single time like the poor OP is having to do.

@seaweed42 there is huge amounts of research into SIDS. They still don’t actually know why babies who room share have a lower risk of SIDS as they still don’t know why babies die with no known cause. But there are theories that they can forget to breathe if they sleep to deeply and noise can prevent this, also that there is more CO2 in the room with parents which triggers baby to exhale. Believe the advice or not but don’t make out like medics the world over are telling parents to do this for shits and giggles. The AAP have gone so far as to recommend babies stay in parents room until a year old.

So you’ve never left a child sleeping in a room for 10 mins?

Not while you’re downstairs?

What’s the difference?

OP I hope you're able to speak to him to make him understand that you can't just leave your baby.

This whole derailment about who leaves their baby to go to the loo and whatnot is totally irrelevant because it's leaving a newborn baby in a house on its own. Just craziness!

Order that pizza 😁

Those who said “how are you meant to cook, clean, shower, use the loo, etc” have obviously never had kids

I have kids. 1 is currently asleep upstairs in fact, while I'm downstairs sorting washing and preparing lunch. But I don't live in the UK so I don't have to follow nhs guidelines. My health authority think that's he's safe enough

Disclaimer: I don't have any babies.

But - the odd toilet trip when bursting. 90s, yep, fine - can do that total trip from downstairs if it's a quick wee, hand rinse. and the baby is both asleep and secured somewhere.

Miles different from leaving such a young baby in the house, surely obvious to anyone! And I wouldn't worry about burglars, fire or any of the rest either. Just the baby being alone.

But just to be clear, I think its unsafe to leave a baby or young child alone in a house.

@Pina kind of agree, but I think it's degrees - there's a difference between "slack on safety" and "a bit laid back". E.g. I'd find it hard to parent with someone who didn't ever see the need to hold our toddlers' hands crossing the road, but it's probably inevitable that you'll have different instincts about whether they're ready for the big slide in the playground.

In this instance, my DH's instinct was that it might be ok, but we had a (slightly heated) conversation about it and he agreed to do it my way. In other instances I've agreed to do it his. I agree negotiation's tiring but that's parenting, you end up negotiating over loads of stuff that would be quicker and easier if you just agreed - but I think for us there has been a benefit in having different instincts.