Going to shop and leaving baby.

[ManaPana]

Just had a discussion with DH.

He's got the car, DS has a fever, I was having a bit of a moan as he was meant to do shopping yesterday. I looked in the fridge and he didn't go. Not a big deal, he usually does it and his dad came round unannounced, plus Sunday shopping. It slipped his mind.

I said I need some food. DS has a temperature. I'm exhausted. I'll get a pizza takeaway.

He said why don't I just leave DS home for 5 mins whilst I nip to the shop (realistically this would probably take 10 mins).

I'm shocked he would leave a 13 week old baby at home on his own. If he woke up and nobody was there he could be left screaming for 10 or more minutes. What if there was a fire? (Unlikely but could happen), our house was burgled, or he had a car accident? Again all unlikely but possible!

AIBU to be really nervous about his way of thinking? To think it's bad he even suggested this?

Its probably more dangerous driving down the motorway with your baby in the car than leaving a sleeping baby for 10 mins probay being the key word. What if her fevered baby has a fit whilst she's out and chokes? What if neighbours click her leaving, hear baby crying and call the Police? If I knew they were both out and baby was alone I personally would

@CosmicComet I had DS attached, feeding this morning when I went to the loo, he definitely doesn't like being left alone, he doesn't even really like being put down at all even if I'm right there. Glad it's not just him!

@Seline I have left my DS for a couple of mins whilst I have a quick shower. I also understand that many mums leave their babies to cook, clean, go to the loo (I do this to ab extend too). I don't disagree with you at all. We all do things differently. I agree with you regarding not leaving DS at home on his own.

I would worry the whole time. Need to have a word with DH I think...

Jeez I’m glad most of us don’t leave our babies! It’s just a risk most of us aren’t prepared to take and that’s a good thing.

I did not leave my baby while I went to the toilet or cooked and I only showered when DP came home. The majority do this because it’s safer. Always within eye or at least ear shot at a push. They do grow quickly and can get into scrapes even in a play pen or cot.

My baby wriggled free of buggy straps totally out of the blue one day.

ManaPana I do understand your anxiety about it I just worry sometimes new mums put a lot of pressure on themselves, when it's totally fine to have a shower or go get a drink while the baby sleeps

Yeah I wouldn't leave a baby either, what if something were to happen (car breaking down, lock breaks, traffic) that delays you being just 10 minutes? It's not a good idea.

If your shop is fairly close i would wrap him up warmly, pop him in the pram and take him out. The cool fresh air may be good for you both. Taking him out won't make him worse and you might enjoy being out. This - the voice of reason. Going to the shop is in no way comparable with going in the shower or doing anything in another room at home. It's not so much what might happen to him while you are out, but what if something happens to detain you. When you have a baby you just have to get used to taking them along with you - it's not like having a pet you can leave at home. The more you do it the more it becomes second nature until eventually it actually feels as though you have left something behind when you are out without them because someone else is taking care of them!

I did not leave my baby while I went to the toilet

Try having twins lol, you can't realistically take two babies into the loo with you every time you need it.

No @seline however I bet you kept them near, within eye shot preferably?

If you were found to leave a baby home alone you would risk the baby being taken into foster care. This scenario is often the reason children are removed from home for their safety. You need your husband to understand that it is absolutely never ok to leave a baby on their own whilst you go out. Even for 5 minutes.

If he can't see this is fundamentally wrong, are you not concerned about leaving DS in his sole care at any point?

I just read about a case yesterday where a man left his 4 year old, unable to swim and with no armbands, in a toddler pool while he went off on his own to go on the water slides. The boy got out and went into the big pool and was found unconscious on the bottom by a swimmer. She got him out and thankfully an off duty paramedic gave him CPR.

I could never trust anyone who thinks a baby (an ill baby at that) can be left alone in the house while you go shopping.

He needs to go on a parenting course tbh.

And yes, I’d bundle him up and take him out. I have always gone for this approach and the children have to come everywhere no matter what!

You take the kid in the bathroom or kitchen with you in a bouncy chair, or a high chair when they’re older.

You are claiming you would wake your sleeping baby and drag the high chair in to the toilet every time you needed to go? No wonder half the mother's on this site hate parenthood and are close to losing it if this is really how people behave.

And as for pp who only showered when her DP is at home, hope you don't become a single mum. You're going to be mighty smelly!

I have a quick shower and will go to the toilet and leave DS in the other room. I have no issue with that. That's a whole other thread tbh. I wouldn't wake my son to take him to the toilet with me. The issue was the fact that DH wanted me to leave the house without him! What people want to do to keep themselves sane during the first 6 months surely is up to them? Leaving a baby in the room next door whilst you have a wee is very different to going down the road to the shop an leaving them entirely unattended.

Actually I did become a single mum. Thanks for that!

My first baby got distraught if I left him for one second, and later turned out to have special needs. I worked and had to shower when he was in bed. It was tough but hey I think I was quite a good mum!

This thread has reminded me of my first day alone at home with DS when I rang my sister to ask if it was ok to leave him in the Moses basket so I could go to the toilet

He’s got a fever, & no other symptoms? I would still take him wrapped up in the Oran to the shop or order in, but certainly wouldn’t be leaving him alone to go to the shop, your Dh needs a talking to about that. And if you feel he’s too unwell to leave the house then @ 13 weeks a gp/111 appointment would be a good idea

Don’t think I ever took my babies to the toilet with me, I have 4 baby would be in his cot toddler in play pen as dragging 2 tiny people to watch me pee is ridiculous. I could shower before they woke in a morning. Moses basket was always downstairs in the day upstairs at night with whichever baby fitted in at the time, they learned to sleep with noise of the dog other kids etc.

Well he’s laying the groundwork for not being expected to look after his own baby any time soon.

Yep.

How disappointing that men like this still exist. Everyone has known for decades, that you don't leave a tiny baby alone in the house longer than a few minutes, in case of unexpected events.

Men who have chosen not to know this, are in effect handing over the responsibility of responsible parenting of their own child, to their wives.

Sorry OP. You now need to gauge whether this is a deliberate tactic on his part which will set the parameters for how you both do parenting for the next few years (you the responsible adult, him the fun dad who needs your management) or his subconscious sexism which with goodwill and effort can be effectively challenged so that he's able to function as the adult parent as normally as you do.

I've never taken any of my babies to the toilet with me

PinaColada if they're asleep in the crib downstairs I leave them while I go to the loo and then come back. Takes 5 minutes and can hear them

Hmmm....Was this about him not wanting you to have the Pizza takeaway for some reason, and the DS thing got stuck in the cross fire?
To me your DH objected to you having the pizza takeaway because he wanted you to go to the shop for some reason. Likely because you going to the shop suited your DH in order to relieve his bad or guilty feelings about not doing the shopping.
So him saying to leave the baby was just a way to dismiss your reason for not going to the shop...either way he's selfish and trying to look after his own interests at that point!
My guess is he'd never have said it otherwise, he was just scrambling for reasons to manipulate you into doing things his way.

Fucking hell OP he is being massively unreasonable. Agree with this

Well he’s laying the groundwork for not being expected to look after his own baby any time soon.

Is he making himself appear totally incompetent so you do 100% of everything? Round here shops are open 6 hours on a Sunday and there are smaller local shops open 8am-10pm. I appreciate this is different rurally but FFS he sounds like a total manchild at best and at danger of neglecting your DC at worst.

I can't believe people don't even leave their babies to go to the toilet or leave the room whilst they're sleeping, obviously it's up to you but this just seems crazy. My dc was a baby over 10 years ago though so I understand things might have changed a lot since then. If you're not supposed to even leave the room though how is sleeping any different? If you're asleep you're not supervising baby?

I wouldn't, but many parents do.

Some posters even proudly left their baby sleeping in the garden whilst they are inside the house!

@namechangechanger the science behind it is that babies left alone in silence can fall too deeply asleep and then stop breathing. Being in the same room as you makes them regulate their breathing to you and the noise also stops them sleeping too deeply. During the day I always had the TV or radio on for noise and also so she got used to sleeping through anything!