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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like my friend doing the same hobby

71 replies

Scaredykitty · 21/01/2019 01:31

This is maybe in the wrong section, as I know I'm being unreasonable and overreacting. But I can't stop feeling annoyed and need ideas for how to get over it!

A few months ago, I introduced my friend to my dance class. She'd been asking to come along for a while and I was initially a bit hesitant, because I liked it being just me, but I don't know how to say no. What I didn't expect was that she would then go and book tickets for the next classes without even asking me if I was going (to the point where she now goes along to more sessions than I do), making loads of friends within the group and signing up to perform at every opportunity.

I feel annoyed that she's (I know I sound like a 5 year old here) stolen my thing, as it's something I really enjoy but I did want to it to just be me. I feel insecure that she's surpassed me, not technically, but in terms of getting to know other members of the group and performing, as this is something I was doing too but much slower at a pace that suited me. I regret introducing her to it now, but I can't exactly ask her not to go anymore. I also can't start afresh by joining different class myself, as there's only one around.

A lot of people will say just get over it. Trust me, I wish I could! Are there any perspectives/ideas for how I can start to accept this new situation and enjoy dance as much as before?

OP posts:

oldsewandsew · 21/01/2019 01:42

TBH, I would feel the same. I used to go to a class with a friend, and then all of a sudden one week, she told me she was going with another friend and asked if I would like to go with them! As if I had never been before. I was a bit WTF, as it was always our thing. Luckily I didn’t particularly enjoy the class so I stopped going. Sorry, that’s not much help to you!
I have had a friend start working at the same place as me though and have found it weird, like in your situation. Over time I drifted away from her slightly and tried to see her as a work friend first, which helped when it came to feeling like she was muscling in on my friends etc. That’s all I can suggest really, as I’m sure you wouldn’t feel this way about a random new person to your class.

NewYearNewName111 · 21/01/2019 01:44

Can't give any advice but I had a potential love interest ask to join my martial arts class. It ended up being super awkward as it's hard to look smooth when you're covered in sweat and getting the shit kicked out of you by one of the guys that fights semi pro.

Fusioluxe · 21/01/2019 01:44

I can imagine that feels quite trampling.

Maybe you can use this experience to learn to be more assertive, not such a yes person, and maybe even more outgoing. Turn it into a life lesson, dance your heart out and grab some confidence.

knittedjest · 21/01/2019 02:14

My Dd regularly sees a sport psychologist and the key message behind pretty much every session seems to be that in sport you need to focus on you. You can't worry about what other people are doing or how they are progressing because it's out of your control. Try some tricks if you can so that while you are at the class you can't see your friend and what she's doing. For example stand at the front of the class. Set a goal that you want to achieve that is seperate from what your friend is doing and focus on achievingthat.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2019 02:21

Is it burlesque by any chance? I ask because I have often thought of going to our local class but the fact that there are 2 women I am friends with who already go has put me off. I want something just for me and where I can feel a little less self conscious (given the style of dancing) than I would with people I know there.

Thisisnotadriveby · 21/01/2019 02:23

This happened to me with my gym classes.

I was living with my friend and to keep myself out of her way and to have some me-time, I started going to these gym classes.

A few months later she tags along to one... and then them all. And then extra ones. I felt like I lost my place and eventually just stopped going as it was all about her.

I know it doesn’t help you, just letting you know that you are not alone or unreasonable.

Monty27 · 21/01/2019 02:36

I get it and sympathise. It's all about personal space. I have a few examples but don't want to out myself.
It's a hard one.
I will follow the thread for advice.
You're not wrong though OP. I hope you we all find a solution. especially when it's family thinking they can hang out with my friends that they don't know from Adam and Facebooking etc like they've known them for 25 years as I have--

Nitpickpicnic · 21/01/2019 02:41

As you get older, you may find it easier to protect your treasured ‘me time’ from friends and family. The truth is, it isn’t rude or difficult to look them in the eye and say:

‘I can see you’re keen to tag along, but I’ve given it some serious thought and I’d really prefer to keep it a ‘me’ thing. Turns out it’s important for me to have a community seperate from mates and family. I’ve found it very useful to decompress from stress and just be myself. I’m sorry, and I hope you find something else that does that for you.’

If they have a tantrum, it’ll just reinforce you were right to keep them away from your hobby (and maybe reassess the friendship).

Unless you stand up for your preferences, and state things clearly, you really can’t resent other people elbowing their way in and taking over. People will generally do what suits them, and justify away any hurt or awkwardness they inflict pretty quickly. Even the ‘nice ones’, mostly.

Learn to assert yourself (with grace) or resign yourself to a world of people, not mind-readers.

BillywilliamV · 21/01/2019 02:44

This is all a bit childish surely? These things aren't "yours". Everyone has a right to enjoy them.

Fusioluxe · 21/01/2019 02:46

Nitpickpicnic Good advice but so hard to do.

I knew someone from a playgroup who wanted to come everywhere with me and my baby. I got it, she was bored, liked company, wanted someone to talk to but ringing up to find out what I was doing and then asking to come to the doctors with me ( as that is what I was about to do) was a little much!

abbsisspartacus · 21/01/2019 02:54

Go to something else see if she follows

ZoniSouslaLune · 21/01/2019 04:35

I go to dance classes too, and I can understand feeling territorial.

As a PP said, it would be good if you can focus on your own goals and your own enjoyment of the dancing.

Is there a teacher you can trust, that you could talk to and get some perspective? That might help.

Also don't be afraid to keep cultivating friendships in the class. Just because your friend is going to more classes at the moment doesn't mean the other students won't want to know you!

Coffeebean76 · 21/01/2019 04:45

Totally understand!

Yes maybe you feel like a five year old but I would too. She’s encroaching on your territory. I don’t have advice but I feel for you!!

Coffeebean76 · 21/01/2019 04:48

This is all a bit childish surely? These things aren't "yours". Everyone has a right to enjoy them.

No, that’s not how it works in real life.

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/01/2019 04:49

I would feel the same. Can you find another class?

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2019 05:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NutElla5x · 21/01/2019 05:57

Forget dance, take up a martial arts class instead on the sly then karate chop the fuck out of your friend.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 21/01/2019 06:08

I can completely understand why this irritates you but it was always a risk when you invited her along, so you have no-one but yourself to blame. It would have been hard but you should have just said how you felt in the first place. If she'd been asking for a while then chances are she'd have just come along anyway without waiting for you to okay it, which is fair enough - it's not for you to tell her whether she's allowed to go or not.

I've had a few friends asking to start running with me and I just say no outright. I use the excuse that I don't want to go at anyone else's pace but my own and I if I want to vary my route or my time I can do it without having to take anyone else into account.

That's partly true but really I just like the alone time and would hate to have to chat.

AnotheChinHair · 21/01/2019 06:31

I understand that this was 'your thing' and I would feel the same way but if you hadn't introduced her to the class, she might have joined anyway. Not only that, but other people you know from other walks of life might join in the future.

That's not something you can change or control. But you can make efforts so that it continues being 'your thing' despite her presence there. Distance yourself a little bit in class and continue being you and making acquaintances at your own pace.

Perhaps you can even use this opportunity to understand what's making you feel this way and how can you deal with it in future, as it's likely to keep happening in other spheres of your life. There's an opportunity for growth here OP .

pictish · 21/01/2019 06:31

I can see why this annoys you. I don’t think there’s anything you can do now...she’s in there and that’s that. You’ve handed this one to your pal. You’ll know to play your hobby cards closer to your chest in future.
Like Kirsty I run and have had the odd friend asking to come with me. I always say no...just because it’s a ‘me’ thing. I enjoy choosing where and when to suit myself and don’t want to turn it into a social thing that adds pressure to the situation.

I don’t think you can say what Nitpick suggests without looking a complete dick, sorry. It’s not up to you or anyone else to dismiss her from the class.

“I’m sorry and I hope you find something else that does it for you.”
“This does it for me and you can take a hike.”, is likely to be the response.

Sorry though. What a shame your thing has been spoiled.

Dunin · 21/01/2019 06:42

I totally understand OP. I’ve had the same thing happen to me. I had a friend who wanted to tag along to a netball group I’d just joined. Before I can blink, she’s being asked to go along to extra things, she’s made huge amounts of friends and I’m totally pushed out and ignored. It felt like I was used as a new group/friend dating service and then rejected when it worked out splendidly for her! I didn’t go back because it annoyed me so much. I now rarely talk to anyone about my hobbies and if I do I keep it vague. I’m not a hobby dating service. My only advice is to find something else to do and don’t tell her.

RedHelenB · 21/01/2019 06:44

Yabu because you're jealous that she's done better at the class and got more out of it then you have. To counter that you need to go more and perform more like she's done.

Ghanagirl · 21/01/2019 06:52

@Shoxfordian
How spiteful

JasperKarat · 21/01/2019 07:00

This is so odd, and write immature, you just sound jealous she's made friends quicker than you. If you like the class go, you dint have to be joined at the hip the, make your own friendships with others, then you don't just have one friend there you have several

MrsExpo · 21/01/2019 07:02

OP, you invited her along in the first place so have no reason to complain now she’s going and enjoying herself, making new friends, doing well etc. Whilst I can see why you feel that she’s invaded your space a bit, your enjoyment of the class is down to how much you put into it, not what she’s doing.

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