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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like my friend doing the same hobby

71 replies

Scaredykitty · 21/01/2019 01:31

This is maybe in the wrong section, as I know I'm being unreasonable and overreacting. But I can't stop feeling annoyed and need ideas for how to get over it!

A few months ago, I introduced my friend to my dance class. She'd been asking to come along for a while and I was initially a bit hesitant, because I liked it being just me, but I don't know how to say no. What I didn't expect was that she would then go and book tickets for the next classes without even asking me if I was going (to the point where she now goes along to more sessions than I do), making loads of friends within the group and signing up to perform at every opportunity.

I feel annoyed that she's (I know I sound like a 5 year old here) stolen my thing, as it's something I really enjoy but I did want to it to just be me. I feel insecure that she's surpassed me, not technically, but in terms of getting to know other members of the group and performing, as this is something I was doing too but much slower at a pace that suited me. I regret introducing her to it now, but I can't exactly ask her not to go anymore. I also can't start afresh by joining different class myself, as there's only one around.

A lot of people will say just get over it. Trust me, I wish I could! Are there any perspectives/ideas for how I can start to accept this new situation and enjoy dance as much as before?

OP posts:

bekindtothenewgirl · 21/01/2019 07:06

I completely understand this, I'm very protective of my hobbies. In my experience people that go in all guns blazing to new things often get burnt out with the effort and commitment and don't stick around after the initial shine has worn off because it takes up so much of their time and then gets a bit boring. I would play the long game and keep going as your are.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 21/01/2019 07:06

I agree with everything Pictish says.** Even down to the running. Except I always offer to run with people who say they might try it - they never actually do, so it makes me look friendly without actually having to do it!

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2019 07:10

I'm not meaning to be spiteful but I don't understand the Op's perspective. There's not only so much happiness to go around, she should be happy her friend goes to the same class and enjoys it.

malificent7 · 21/01/2019 07:12

Well you did introduce her go it op? What did you expect? She liked it and thought it was a gesture from you to join in...why not? She is your friend after all.

malificent7 · 21/01/2019 07:13

To it even....

malificent7 · 21/01/2019 07:14

Protective of hobbies? Im baffled!

linkinperk · 21/01/2019 07:17

This happened to me with the gym.

I was taking it slow, building up my stamina.

Friend joined and tried to turn it into a competition, look how fast I run, how much weight I've lost etc. She was all pally with the staff and would always drop their names in when we were doing other things.

I changed my routine and went different times. She soon lost interest when she had no one to 'beat'.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 21/01/2019 07:21

I do understand your feelings but you can't do what @Nitpickpicnic suggests, because that implies that she's tagging along for you, which you might have a (small) chance of stopping, whereas it sounds like she's enjoying the class in its own right. And as adults with an open class you don't have the right to make her stop.

It's ok to feel a bit out out, we're all human and it's hard to get past jealousy. All you can do is informed her and focus on you, or start a new activity and don't invite friends along if you don't want them to start..

FamilyOfAliens · 21/01/2019 07:21

I’m fascinated by the number of posters who have no empathy whatsoever with the OP.

It’s like those threads where people ask if they are BU not to want the entire extended family to stay for a month after a new baby and loads of people pile in saying, “I love having having to queue for my own bathroom and cooking for 15 people three times a day! What could possibly be more fun?”

Claudia1980 · 21/01/2019 07:25

Are you serious? You don’t have jurisdiction over the dance class. You sound insecure and competitive.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/01/2019 07:26

I can appreciate you don't like it but: tough shit. You can't ask/tell your friend to give up a new hobby that she is enjoying, just because you feel slighted. If someone started a thread along the lines of 'My friend says I've got to stop going to dance classes because she was there first and it's her hobby' would get responses along the lines of 'tell her to fuck off' and quite right too.

runsmidgeOMG · 21/01/2019 07:26

I'm struggling with a lot of these responses.

Hypothetically what if she or anyone else turned up not knowing you were attending just as you did who presumably had to search local times and classes publicly? Note "publicly", these classes are available to everyone so could you honestly feel comfortable with saying "sorry DF this is my thing, find another class?"

I get you're annoyed, I would feel frustrated if it was someone I wasn't keen on that turned up. Has she got form? Still you can't tell or encourage her not to come.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/01/2019 07:32

Totally get it. Me and a friend used to go to yoga, we were similar level, didn't take it competitively. Then another friend joined. A good friend, but a bit queen bee. She did everything perfectly, including head stands, but very "look at me". We said nothing, but felt very much like we'd lost our thing.we felt awful about it, but then again we were human. (Luckily she jacked it in as she found the relaxation part boring)

malificent7 · 21/01/2019 07:35

I think your jusy going to have to be morecareful with her in the future. I do have empathy...she stole your thunder...so keep things like this under your hat.

UpTree · 21/01/2019 07:39

Sorry but I think you’re being pathetic

Original poster

Scaredykitty · 21/01/2019 07:40

Thanks for all the replies. Just to be clear, I have no intention of asking her to stop as I know that's unreasonable. What I was looking for was new ways of viewing the situation, so I can get back my enjoyment of the hobby.

The suggestion that resonates with me the most is to try to ignore what she is doing in the class, and to pretend that she is essentially a new student.

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 21/01/2019 07:42

What were you hoping would happen? I think you are being silly personally, your friend came along, had a good time and excelled... wouldn't a good friend be happy for her, not cranky that she is doing better than you?

The classes are public so anyone can go, it's not the same as the running example because that PP isn't in a club, they are doing something that many people consider a solo activity.

starabara · 21/01/2019 07:43

The advice from @NitPickPicnic is dire!

If she had come of her own accord after finding out about the class, would you seriously do that? And theoretically you even told her you wanted her there in this scenario.

This is so weird.ok to feel a bit miffed. Not ok to go churning people out of classes that don’t belong to you!

Stardustinmyeyes · 21/01/2019 07:45

For all those being spiteful and making unpleasant remarks.
there are too many to tag.
Did any of you actually read the op? She is asking for help on how to get over these feelings, she knows she is being unreasonable.

But hey ho, lets just give the op a good kicking, why bother to read the op, keys just pile on and make spiteful comments. Says more about the nasty posters than the op.
Next time practice reading and comprehension skills.

FWIW OP. I think the best thing you can do is to try and focus on yourself and how much you enjoy the classes.

ISdads · 21/01/2019 07:47

Can you imagine telling someone they can't go to the same public class as you go to? Whoever posted that suggestion

Lifeofsmiley · 21/01/2019 07:48

Wise words knitted

Slamadramafamalam · 21/01/2019 07:54

I used to go to yoga classes and loved them, suggested my friend tried it and she loved it too. She then started yoga teacher training and became the world's second greatest authority on all things yoga, second only to "Mister Iyengar' and criticised and laughed at other people practicing yoga. We went to separate classes once she started her training and one time I pointed out someone from one of my classes who was also training to be a yoga teacher and my friend shouted so that she could hear something about "shoulders back, chest out, you can't teach yoga if you can't stand up straight" I was mortified. She was always talking about ahimsa while wearing boots made from sheep skins! Anyhoo years later the now ex friend doesn't do yoga any more but is still the world's leading authority on it, I still love it but won't ever suggest anyone else comes to my classes.

SpikyHedgehogg · 21/01/2019 08:03

No, that’s not how it works in real life.

But it is, open classes are open classes and anyone can go along.

comebacksoonsusan · 21/01/2019 08:04

Can see how you feel, but as already stated it's a public class. You can't tell her not to go, that's a dick move.
You're annoyed she's more popular than you seemingly, well either you continue amd suck it up, throw yourself into it, or find a different class and never mention it!

SpikyHedgehogg · 21/01/2019 08:04

I can empathise with the OP’s feelings because I can hear how sad she feels, but I don’t get it. I feel like “the more, the merrier” and someone else attending doesn’t reduce my attendance.

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