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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like my friend doing the same hobby

71 replies

Scaredykitty · 21/01/2019 01:31

This is maybe in the wrong section, as I know I'm being unreasonable and overreacting. But I can't stop feeling annoyed and need ideas for how to get over it!

A few months ago, I introduced my friend to my dance class. She'd been asking to come along for a while and I was initially a bit hesitant, because I liked it being just me, but I don't know how to say no. What I didn't expect was that she would then go and book tickets for the next classes without even asking me if I was going (to the point where she now goes along to more sessions than I do), making loads of friends within the group and signing up to perform at every opportunity.

I feel annoyed that she's (I know I sound like a 5 year old here) stolen my thing, as it's something I really enjoy but I did want to it to just be me. I feel insecure that she's surpassed me, not technically, but in terms of getting to know other members of the group and performing, as this is something I was doing too but much slower at a pace that suited me. I regret introducing her to it now, but I can't exactly ask her not to go anymore. I also can't start afresh by joining different class myself, as there's only one around.

A lot of people will say just get over it. Trust me, I wish I could! Are there any perspectives/ideas for how I can start to accept this new situation and enjoy dance as much as before?

OP posts:

mirialis · 21/01/2019 08:10

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I think this is really normal and common.

I think with this particular hobby you need to see that it is not a zero sum game; that is to say, the more classes she attends, the more friends she makes, the more performing, progress etc. etc. does not mean there is less left for you.

You just focus on you and your enjoyment of the activity and developing natural connections with individuals in the group as time goes by.

Maybe think about a second hobby that you do guard just for you if possible, where you won't feel compelled to compare and can just go at your own private pace.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 21/01/2019 08:12

I do understand why you don’t like it and it doesn’t seem as though you actually invited her to go to the class with you, as some previous posters have said; you just acquiesced and agreed she could join you after she repeatedly asked to. I don’t think you had any choice really. As it’s a public class, she could have joined anyway, even if you had said you’d prefer her not to - and that situation would have been worse.
I think, in your shoes, I would take the advice to do the class with her out of my line of sight but during the social bits of class, I’d join her and try to get to know the others better alongside her. If she’s more socially confident and gregarious than you, perhaps she can ease your way a little. You can’t really change the situation but perhaps, if you throw yourself into it, you could see it as a good thing?

cooldarkroom · 21/01/2019 08:24

So you are jealous as she has more time, has improved fast & is more gregarious.
it sounds like you are making it a competition.It's not.
You are not in the school yard, she isn't taking friends away. She finds it easier to interact socially. It's a character trait.
What would you have her do, hide in a corner like a frightened mouse ?
You need to work on your own self confidence.

cooldarkroom · 21/01/2019 08:25

sorry, It's NOT

Roussette · 21/01/2019 08:34

I get what the OP is saying. I went to a cardio/fitness class for years. My friend who I've known forever (who is at least 2 sizes smaller than me and v competitive) wanted to come. Fine. It's not my class.

I've always had a bit of a problem with these sort of things in that I'm not super fit, I can't run fast, however I just plod along and do OK. I wasn't the worst in the class, just sort of below middling. Anyway, friend comes to class and takes to it like a duck to water and absolutely loves it. I don't love it, I hate it, I do it because I feel I ought to. I then feel more useless at it than ever before. Friend runs faster, does a 3 minute plank, when I'm struggling with 1 minute blah blah, you get the picture.

I left the class. I just didn't feel the same about the whole thing.

Sorry OP I have no advice given that I changed gyms because of friend joining!

brassbrass · 21/01/2019 08:58

I get that you feel the enjoyment of your activity has been ruined by this friend but you can't do what nitpick suggested as you will come across as a complete loon! Really bad advice.

It's too late now you just need to find a way to deal with her being there. Next time don't be so forthcoming as you've seen what can happen.

Passing4Human · 21/01/2019 09:02

SpikyHedgehogg Mon 21-Jan-19 08:04:52
I can empathise with the OP’s feelings because I can hear how sad she feels, but I don’t get it. I feel like “the more, the merrier”

Yeah, that's NOT empathising. That's you going, "well I feel like this so that's how it should be for everyone."

Passing4Human · 21/01/2019 09:08

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin Mon 21-Jan-19 06:08:01
It would have been hard but you should have just said how you felt in the first place. If she'd been asking for a while then chances are she'd have just come along anyway without waiting for you to okay it, which is fair enough - it's not for you to tell her whether she's allowed to go or not.

I've had a few friends asking to start running with me and I just say no outright. I use the excuse that I don't want to go at anyone else's pace but my own and I if I want to vary my route or my time I can do it without having to take anyone else into account.

This is really good advice. Not doing this and not being assertive enough is how I've ended up with my friend's mum accompanying me on my dog walks. She's lovely but she never stops talking and walking is my peaceful me time away from the kids. Totally my own fault. Again.

Spudlet · 21/01/2019 09:18

Can you imagine being on the receiving end of Nitpicking's speech?! Goodness me. Op, your friend is probably thinking how great it is that she's found a fun activity with such nice people, and a friend who already goes as well - I'd be gutted if I was her and you gave her a speech about how she can't come any more. I don't think a friendship could survive that, to be honest.

So instead I think you need to learn to focus on yourself more and ignore what everyone else is doing. There will always be someone bendier or stronger or faster or whatever, but you have to compete with yourself (this can be hard, but it's a worthwhile mindset to cultivate).

That said, I have shared hobbies with 'friends' who've clearly used my relative lack of prowess as a boost to their ego and have made comments to that effect. These people are dicks, and you should not hesitate to shut that down. It happened to me when I was younger and less confident, so I didn't and I regret that very much. When I eventually did so (by refusing to salve her ego when she was going on about how gutted she was that I had performed better than her - clearly I was expected to make lots of self-deprecating comments, but did not) it was the beginning of the end of our 'friendship'... but it was no great loss.

But if that's not happening here, you do you and let her crack on.

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/01/2019 09:21

Can you go to the same activity but scheduled at a different time? It would seem a bit cold to blank her out but I can understand wanting to carry on as before without the distraction.

A friend went to my class once and mocked me lightly because I had to stop/sit out for a few minutes, she wasn't malicious about it in any way, but I realised her presence did change the feeling of the class for me. She did stop going after a few weeks but by then, so had I.

Roussette · 21/01/2019 09:22

It's much easier to say you want to walk or run on your own than to discourage a friend coming to a class. Anyone can do a class, it's not your class. However, I just didn't feel the same about the class after my friend joined because she was so good at it. I did stay another year with her but then moved on to somewhere else.

tiggerkid · 21/01/2019 09:26

If you wanted this to be just you and your thing, why did you mention it to her at all?

Now that you did and she is doing whatever she is doing, just find yourself another dance class and don't tell her about it anymore if you want to go alone! Unless, of course, it's possible for you to choose days/sessions when she isn't going!

Peleus · 21/01/2019 09:39

Scaredykitty, I get it, and would feel the same in your situation.

Theansweris · 21/01/2019 10:08

Yanbu

Try to focus on why you are there and what you want to get out of the lessons.

Ignore the people on here saying you are selfish. You aren't

straightjeans · 21/01/2019 11:15

It's not often people find a hobby that they absolutely love. I would be happy for her and carry on at my own pace. But that's just me.

SpikyHedgehogg · 21/01/2019 17:10

Yeah, that's NOT empathising. That's you going, "well I feel like this so that's how it should be for everyone."

No, I’m able to acknowledge her real sadness but address her AIBU in explaining how I would frame it (which is what she asked for!).

It’s not as though class enjoyment is a finite resource. Someone else taking it doesn’t reduce what is available to me.

pictish · 21/01/2019 18:14

“Not doing this and not being assertive enough is how I've ended up with my friend's mum accompanying me on my dog walks. She's lovely but she never stops talking and walking is my peaceful me time away from the kids. Totally my own fault. Again.”

Arrggh! I can totally see how you ended up here Passing. You wouldn’t have wanted to react to her suggestion to join you with an outright rejection so you acquiesced. Now you’re stuck with her. Bum.

fibonaccisequins · 21/01/2019 18:40

I can't bear running with other people. It's my time on my own, and I don't want to spend it chatting. I'll take new people out, and do a bit of couch to 5k because (oh god what a dick I'm about to sound) it's easy for me to do those runs. (It wasn't always, and it's how I started before I get piled on!!)
That said, if someone runs beside me then I can't stop them. The annoyance of living in a free country no, I can empathise OP, it's not easy when you've found something you really enjoy. Focus on you, and your progress. That's all I can really suggest, but I think you'll be happier if you do

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/01/2019 02:40

Nothing wrong with being protective of hobbies. I don't mention things or put what I'm doing on Facebook or I end up with a friend coming with me, then it's when she wants to go, then it becomes a competition. Much easier to just not mention hobbies.

Monty27 · 22/01/2019 03:10

Haven't rtht for a bit but have analysed it;
Next thing you know it will be going there together
Then it will be getting home together
Possibly a stop off for a drink
Then the next day it'll be a discussion about it
Then a couple of days later it'll be arrangements for next week

MaliciousMozzy · 20/12/2022 19:16

I have some what the same problem, i don’t really know why I don’t want my friend to join my hobby, basically i showed him about piano and he really likes it but now he’s doing the same song as me and its a pretty impressive one as well (3rd movement of moonlight sonata) and i thought he would manage to do it but idk how he somehow has managed to learn a bit and i just feel like a dick for not wanting him to play and i feel like a awful person but i still have the feeling so i don’t know what to do.

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