AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

I hear you! It’s tough! SAfricans are quite spoilt yeah. It’s lonely & depressing but when you look at how the country is at present, people move for the betterment of their kids especially.

So much sacrifice of giving up all that you are accustomed to & having ones family close by to live in a safer enviroment. Nobody will understand unless you personally had to make the move.
Big hugs OP🌷

No advice really sorry

You have one child of 13 and struggle without a maid? Sorry but YABVU.

An au-pair might be a viable option for you, if you have space to provide accommodation? As you are only looking for a little help and not a major housekeeper type role, would be in the region of £100 a week iirc?

Blimey op, that sounds blissful. I’m not surprised you are struggling if that is what you are used to.

You sound totally overwhelmed OP. Lots of people would love and benefit from domestic help but that doesn’t make it easier for you.

You should bear in mind however that South Africa is not at idyll. I know, I used to live there myself. Maids are usually brutally underpaid for the hours they actually work, and very frequently have to live far from their own families (sometimes including their kids). So the comfort and assistance you describe is at the expense of others, who don’t earn enough for the same opportunities.

Regarding your current set up, have you sought medical help for your anorexia and hoarding? It might be that with treatment of those illnesses other things might be easier to manage.

Since you can't afford a maid it sounds like you have to get more organised e.g you can batch cook and freeze food to stop the ready meals. You can automate a few things like getting a robo hoover and pressure cooker to have the breakfast/dinner ready. Sorry but you are going to have to do the leg work if you can't afford to outsource it - there isn't a magic alternative.

I’m not sure that the maids in south Africa are a system we want to uphold as the ideal...

The Uk is very expensive and when you move here/ back from other countries, you really feel the difference. We lived in the USA and while we didn't have 'maids', services like cleaners, dry-cleaners and gardeners were much, much cheaper. Eating out was normal because it costed less, and things like spray-tans (not that I use them), hair cuts, clothes and shoes - day to day stuff - was much cheaper.
I'm surprised you haven't been flamed yet as this is an unforgiving place at times, but the only thing I can advise is to make a timetable or lists and get as much done as you can if a cleaner is out of the question. Try not to feel overwhelmed, or underestimate the effect moving countries and cultures can have on us!

I'm a working single mum and I can quite see that your current set up is hard going, even though it's not different to many others.

But really, buying in help or one of you cutting your hours to reduce the load are really the only options.

It is difficult, I know, but this is life for many/most working parents in the UK these days. I leave for work at 6:30 and get back at 7pm, so I do get it. Your DC at 13 should be helping out. Can you make a rota for all the jobs to be done? Can you prep meals in advance at the weekend? I don't think it'd be impossible to find someone to come in and work a couple of hours a day - or maybe just an hour or two evening or morning. It depends where you live. But if cost is a problem, that rules that out.

Can you afford a cleaner? When I lived in the London suburbs I had a cleaner come in for 2 hours on a Monday and 2 hours on a Friday and what a difference it made. Our long commute meant we got in around 7pm but still managed to cook a meal.

Op, there may be another reason why you both feel tired. In SA I guess you would have got much more sunlight than here in the UK in January. Especially if you are working full time indoors and come home after dark.
Half the population here suffers from vitamin D deficiency in winter causing fatigue so could that be part of the problem? Maybe try a multi-vitamin for a week and see if you feel a bit better. Even a 10% boost would help.

Maybe address your depression, hoarding and anorexia first if you arent already. You daughter is old enough now to be helping a lot around the house. Barring disability, I dont think it's unreasonable to expect her to help with chores for at least half an hour an evening - she could fold and put away laundry and hoover for example. My 9 year old empties the dishwasher, clears the hallway of all jackets, shoes etc and puts away his own laundry and that in itself makes a difference.

I must admit that I'm finding it hard to feel sympathy OP, my sympathy is more with the maids and other low paid/exploited staff on SA.

Having said that, I understand how isolating it must be to be so far away from the lifestyle and people you grew up with.

I think that if you put your mind to it, you could make life easier and happier for yourself. Routines, ensuring all 3 members of the family pull their weight, automating chores if possible etc.

Have you tried any relaxation or mindful techniques to strengthen your mental health?

Could you afford someone to help you get the house straight? Once it is surely it should be easy to keep it that way - there's no one on today.

Life in SA may seem idyllic but Im pretty sure your friends' maids put in a long day then go home and start again.

Could you and your DH book a couple of days holiday leave together, maybe added on to Bank holiday and the three of you clean and declutter the house together. Get a skip if necessary and get rid of everything you don’t need/use/love so that you can then all clean up properly. Then maybe a cleaner for two/three hours a week or fortnight to keep the place clean? A weekend day once a month to batch cook with a simple menu plan to minimise the amount of takeaways/ ready meals. That will probably save enough money to pay for the cleaner. Get everyone involved, good skills to teach you child for the future.
You’ll all feel so much better if you are living in a clean and tidyish house, and eating better.

You both seem to be working fairly brutal hours to earn 20k each full time. Maybe that's where to start?

I know you're posting out of desperation and don't want to flame you, but if you grew up in SA you must understand the historical reasons why it's possible to employ someone very cheaply to do all the shitwork. That's not a situation I'd want to replicate here.

I've had medical help for the depression and I'm well enough to work full time but that takes all my energy.

I didn't know you could get medical help for hoarding. With the anorexia, I'm not actually thin thin right now and am not 'ill enough' for NHS help. But I punish myself by not eating, which leaves me 'low energy'.

DC has toast in the morning, school dinner and snacks and some frozen meal. The house is not dangerous or filthy.

I can't even face the prep of batch cooking etc. We just have unhealthy frozen pizza and ready meals.

A robovac needs a clear floor...

Could your 13yo not help with the house chores, they are old enough to keep their room tidy, get their own breakfast, put the washing machine on and do a bit of hoovering. For meals perhaps you could look at online family meal plans, batch cook, there are plenty of nutritious meals that can be made cheaply and quickly, is your dc at home on their own for a couple of hours after school, do they have school friends they can mix with. Your dh can make and clear away his own breakfast, if you are suffering with depression and anorexia could you speak to your g.p. to see what help is available. Are you able to set aside some time at the weekends to tackle the housework wnd do the shopping. Have your families been here to visit you and help out if you need a bit of a break.

Is that a typo re your household income? You are working long hours for such little renumeration. I'm not surprised you're exhausted on those hours.

Could you retrain/look for another position?

I live in the Transkei, where many maids come from, leaving their babies behind with their mums so they can work. It’s an great life in SA for those with money.

What about an au pair?

No not everyone has a maid in SA. I am assuming the maids don't have their own maid for example?
What you mean is that SA is an incredibly unequal country where some people are paid very little to provide services for the better off.

When I was about 11 (in the late 70s) my South African grandmother came to visit the UK for the first time. I walked past the room she was staying and she was sat at the end of the bed sobbing her heart out.

I went and told mum that Granny was crying, so mum went up to her. Apparently she had asked my mum. 'When does the maid come in to do under the beds?'. My mum told her, we don't have a maid, l have to do it, Granny nodded, didn't say anything and went upstairs. Between the sobs she told my mum. 'No maid, I never knew you had it so hard in this country'. Granny died over 40 years ago but 'No, maid, I never knew you had it so hard in this country' is still a family catch phrase.

If you paid someone to do a big blitz, so you start from tidy then perhaps it would be easier to keep on top of it. Especially as you all seem to be out for most of the day. Then you could have someone come in for a few hours a week. Can you out source, waving and ironing too? Perhaps you can look a making some simple meals. Maybe two evenings a week, fish/salads, meat/veg etc. Maybe do some batch cooking at the weekend. Perhaps get a slow cooker.

You need to stop comparing, easier said than done. You can find a way to make your life easier though

How does the house get that messy when no-one is in all day?

Are you getting help for your depression etc?
You could hire a cleaner to help once a week.
Also organisation is key, batch cooking etc.
Your 13 yr old can help with some tasks surely.