AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

Do you think that your privileged upbringing has scuppered you in adulthood because you've not learned to fend for yourself?

The maid isn’t really the issue- it’s more likely to be a combination of your health issues and your daughter and your husband not pulling their weight. Your hours are quite normal. What are you doing on a typical weekend? Can you use one of the days to make a dent in the decluttering? Your probably not going to manage much during the week but weekends probably need to be the time you regain control.

WobbleBottomBum you sound very much like me. My house is a tip and I can't seem to get on top of it. (I've got a thread on this).

I wonder - have you ever considered if you might have ADHD?

I was diagnosed recently and I'm hoping understanding why I'm like this will help me find strategies that will help. I'm also going to try the medication and see if it makes a difference.

ADHD is badly named - you don't need to be hyperactive (what used to be ADD is now called Inattentive ADHD, no hyperactivity involved).

Do you find it difficult to stay on task (unless it's something which really interest you, in which case you can be totally absorbed for ages), lose things, forget things, have crap organisation but you're great under pressure. Messy. Often late. Don't understand how others can be so organised. Have a zillion tabs open on your laptop. Possibly creative. Terrible at multitasking effectively (unless under pressure). Miss deadlines. Interrupt people while they're talking. Have a history of impulsive, risk taking behaviour. Have debts?

If a lot of the above rings bells, might be worth looking up.

I forgot also - procrastinate?!

I sympathise and don’t judge because although I’m English and don’t feel I can justify a cleaner even working FT with 2 teenage sons, I have loads of SA cousins and have visited them out there. Some have emigrated to U.K. and it was a huge shock, the isolation, the weather, the kids hating it at first, the loss of social networks and family back up etc.
FWIW I have had cleaners and found it more of a hassle than I it was worth.

To be honest your working hours are the same as most people working full time so it you get your DH on board you can get on top of this.
It's just feels hard because of the confounding MH issues and your lack of experience in managing a house.
No need to batch cook just do easy dinners like jacket potato or fish and salad or chicken breast veg pre-prepped veg or an omlette.
With housework you need to do it as you go along. So give the sink and bath a wipe after you've used it each day. Wash up straight away and then wipe the sides down. Put things back in the rooms they belong as soon as you have used them etc. That way it stops from getting out of control. Yes you still might not have a show home doing these simple things but it will stay reasonably presentable and that's good enough.
Work out what all the jobs are and make sure they are split up and everyone knows what they have to do. I our house I cook but DH washes up. I do kitchen surfaces, dusting and bathrooms, DH does hoovering and mopping floors. These bigger jobs only get done on the weekend but it's enough to keep on top of things.

Why don't you see if you can afford someone for e.g. 3 hours each month & work with them during that time to get in top of stuff which should make it easier to keep on top of

Also a weekly family meeting to assign chores & discuss things. This should make the rest of the family realise it's not just your problem

Good luck

Life's a bitch

YABVU - welcome to the real world. In SA they pay maids a pittence, so many people have them. You cant afford one in the UK? Thats because of racial and gender equality. Thats how it should be.

^^ this with bells on..

Seniorschoolmum From back at the start of this thread!, yes your right re lack of sunlight SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real condition very prevalent in Nordic countires where the have almost no daylight at this time of year!.

You can get for use at home lamps that do mimic sunlight that can help this condition.

As to the OP try and see how you get on with an au-pair BUT don't abuse them their not to be treated like skivvys. I've got one a more older then usuall one, shes a mature au-apair shes very happy to be living in a nice place her duties are to cook a decent evening meal five days a week clean and tidy a but do a bit of washing and thats more or less that.

Shes worth it for the cooking alone shes excellent:-)

sounds like your ill health is meaning you cant do these things though.
your not feeding yourself enough or on a constant so don't have the energy to these things you might otherwise manage like batch cooking and not having the energy to do this screams to me your too poorly bth mind and body.
depression can zap all energy out of you so you cant do the basic living things.
there is a big thing at the moment about people accessing help before they get to unsafe weights with anoerixai.so you should go to yoru gp and ask for this and push for this!just today there was a bit in the sunday express about what a young lady is doing to push #dumpthescales for people with eds so they get help efore it too late.
I do think your noticing the strain and difference from your home to here but I think its more to do with your illness's taking all your mood and power.

I understand OP. We don't have a maid, but we do have a fabulous housekeeper, who just makes everything so much easier. (We weren't going to get one, but then realised that a) we were being judged for not having one, as if we were too grand to have help; b) we were being judged for depriving someone of a job; and c) things are set up to work that way and it's really bloody tiring fighting against the tide). I'm dreading coming back to the UK without her - I understand now why families try to bring their domestic workers with them when they move to the UK

I'd suggest starting with the kitchen - once that is clear and decluttered you will be able to cook decent food, which in turn should make you feel better both about your self and in yourself IYSWIM

Then do the bathroom - a sparkling toilet, shower and basin makes you feel clear and clean

Then do your bedroom - you will end and start the day in somewhere clean and tidy

Then move on to whatever other rooms you have.

Take stuff to the tip / charity shop as you go. Don't bag it up and leave it, otherwise you will still have all your stuff, just in bags

Your anorexia, hoarding and depression are separate to your wish for a maid. You need to go to the doctor for help with the first 3 issues - you can get help and you will then feel more able to cope.

Re the 'maid' issue - over the years I've been fortunate to employ a childminder who had her own child so was 'unemployable' to most but ideal for me; a grandmother who picked up my DC from school and sat with them for a couple of hours; a chronically ill (crohns) late teenage neighbour who felt secure enough to sit with my DCs, and a cleaner who also did my ironing.

I would love to see more flexibility around casual work like this - there's a real gap in the market for help / maid's work / housekeeping that would make all the difference to working families.

try simple meals.even starting a few days a week.the time and effort it take to put a pizza in you can stick a jacket in the mic and oven.open tin of beans.
beans on toast.
scrambled eggs.
some chicken breast in a dish with a pour over sauce in the oven.
easier veg like the bags of ready made or frozen.
what about cooking with your dc.leanring together.
at places like aldi they have the kits now which basically in one packet have the meat.veg and spies or sauce all in one and you follow the stages.
is there anything recipe from back home you could get joy from having again.

@whatamessitsallis - don't know about tbe op but you're describing me to a T. I've asked the GP for a referral to see if I can get a formal diagnosis but it's about a 12 month wait.

Perhaps try lobbying to abolish the huge income differentials in South Africa which have resulted in their rather awful culture there rather than worrying about your own situation. Thinking of others not ourselves tends to make us all happier. Perhaps donate to a charity aimed at helping South African maids out of poverty for a start.

OP I'm struggling without my Butler so I know how you feel.

I suggest getting a cleaner - they won't do laundry but once a week means the housework like cleaning the kitchen and bathroom is done, mine cleans the insides of the windows, dusts, vacuums etc. It's the cost of a takeaway (bad food we shouldn't eat).

For laundry, machines do it, how tricky is it to load it every other day, with only three you can't have that much.

I love it in hotels when then make the bed etc. Who wouldn't but seriously one child is easy and as for childcare, you are right at the end of that now -13 means you can leave them for a bit, by 16 overnight is fine as long as they are ok with it, but certainly you get more freedom.

Hoarding can be a type of OCD, in that anxiety won't let you get rid of anything in case you need it or that you may throw something away by accident that is valuable or of sentimental value to you. It may be triggered by bereavement or traumatic event.
Make a GP appointment for referral for counselling and/ or medication to help you with that and depression.

That would be the first step. The comment about having maids in SA is a bit of a red herring as it sounds like MH issues and exhaustion are stopping you from feeling happy in your life.

We have someone come in and do a deep clean every 3 weeks. That isn’t too expensive and it makes a huge difference. Originally we did every 2 weeks, but stretching it to 3 the house still stays reasonably clean and we spend a lot less because it is 9 fewer cleanings a year.

Your husband and daughter need to buck up. WTAF? Who lets their mum and spouse sit there feeling ill when the deccies are up? I have serious MH problems myself and my 13-year-old daughter does a lot of self-care. We worked together to get her room sorted with some help from IKEA and she has a rota of chores she does for pocket money. My son has SN and he also has chores he has to do. My h and I are a team, we help each other out.

Don't batch cook, it's too big a task

Sorry but I have to disagree,. You don’t have to cook masses of food all at once. We have young adults and have always had pre-cooked meals in freezer for the days that I am at work, as we both have a long commute too and are exhausted when we get in. It’s now rubbed off on DS21 (currently on a placement year from uni) who ‘batch’ cooks at weekend as below:

Cook a meal such as bolognaise on a Saturday, a reasonable amount should allow plenty of leftovers to freeze. Similar on a Sunday - maybe a pasta and chicken dish. You cook one day, your DH cooks the other and get the DC to help. What do you currently cook at weekends, or do you live on ready meals then?

After a couple of weekends you have 4 different meals in the freezer. We use Chinese takeaway containers for freezing a single portion (meat dish and pasta/rice) and ice cream containers for a meal for 2, sometimes single portions if with bulky pasta.

You are doing your teenager a major disservice by allowing them to be lazy. What happens when they go uni, or live alone/with a partner. You are bringing s/he up to be entitled, and probably have no idea how to feed themselves or look after their property properly. They (and eventual partner) will not thank you long term.

As well as frozen meals, also get DC to cook fresh one night a week - if they have no idea what or how, then get them a basic cookbook. But pasta with a jar sauce and some veg (from freezer) and maybe a tin of tuna is not hard. Or they could start with baked potatoes with a filling such as cheese or beans, with some veg or pre-prepared salad.

I love how some posters are huffing and puffing in jealousy at the idea of someone having a maid,
but are happily living in a country with a royal family

@Sophiesdog11 it's a big task if you don't cook and are feeling low. She may be able to face doing little quick meals. I know you mean well and are practical, but believe me, batch cooking does seem like a big task.

I love how some posters are huffing and puffing in jealousy at the idea of someone having a maid,
but are happily living in a country with a royal family grin

Sorry but how is that the same thing? The royal family have staff but they aren't paid a pittance and in Poverty like South African maids.