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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what is the point of a proposal nowadays?

59 replies

Nearlyspringthankgod · 20/01/2019 08:29

I understand it 200 years ago. Women were expected to wait about for a man they didn't know that well to pick them off the shelf. It just seems bizarre to me now when most of us already live with our partners and discuss things on a day to day basis.

I have several friends who have all recently married, and in all cases the men proposed.
My own partner and I have decided to go down the civil partnership route when the legislation comes through for it for straight couples. Neither of us proposed though. He asked what I thought about getting married, and we discussed it from there, which is how we make all our big decisions. Id have cringed with embarrassment if he'd gone down on one knee, done this rehearsed speech, offered me a ring or asked my dad's permission first which my mate's husband did.

What I can't get my head round with a proposal is that it either seems unnecessary, in that the couple have already decided that they both want to marry, but then the 'surprise,' romantic proposal becomes the official seal, or else it genuinely is a surprise which means that rather than talking it through the woman has had this huge question sprung on her that the man has already been thinking about on his own.

Aibu to think officially proposing is either unnecessary pomp or a sign that a couple aren't good friends enough to discuss things as friends and equals?

OP posts:
Invisimamma · 20/01/2019 08:37

Me and dp have been together 13yrs, 2 kids, mortgage, he's had the snip etc. So we're very much commited to each other. We both agreed we'd like to get married but have had other (financial) priorities that need to come first at the moment.

I'd still love him to propose though, I don't know why, just to reaffirm that he wants to be with me forever and is willing to show it in that way. I'm not sure what it is.

We are very much equals in what we contribute to the relationship, but a romantic proposal he'd put thought and effort into would be lovely 😍.

HomeMadeMadness · 20/01/2019 08:41

It's just a cute tradition some people want and others aren't bothered by. It's nice to have a special day to remember as the beginning of your engagement (for most of us we gradually become more committed until eventually discussing marriage). People enjoy romantic gestures and this is a one off opportunity for one.

We had already actually started planning the wedding when DH proposed. It wasn't a huge overblown event with street dancers and hidden cameras but it was cute and I like remembering it.

NeverSayFreelance · 20/01/2019 08:43

It isn't necessary, but lots of things in life aren't necessary. It's romantic.

KanielOutis · 20/01/2019 08:45

Not many men do the down on one knee thing any more. We discussed marriage, went and chose a ring together and were married before the year is out. From reading on here, it seems to be people who live with a man, have his babies and stay at home to keep him all before marriage. But won't discuss marriage as 'they are traditional'.

Peepingsnowdrops · 20/01/2019 08:45

We didn't live together before marriage. Both catholic- traditional. He asked my parents.
Each to their own. I am glad he surprised me. We had already discussed being married before children and being married so knew what we wanted.

LatentPhase · 20/01/2019 08:46

Yep I hear you, OP.

But then again, has anyone bloke in a LTR ever proposed and the woman said ‘ooh gosh, hold up, i never thought about it’? So I think most couples discuss their ‘view on marriage’.

Still. Marriage is a huge massive big deal. Waiting for one person to ask the other (and there are many threads on MN where women start to feel upset and wait for years, sometimes having babies and giving up careers in the process) does seem a bit odd.

BunsOfAnarchy · 20/01/2019 08:48

Maybe its just not for you.
DH and i knew we would marry within weeks of dating. We married 8 years later. We always discussed it and put it on hold while we sorted out personal and financial priorities. We knew venue, where we would get outfits, the videographer, we even discussed down to the table detail.
We went ring browsing one day and he found one he loved, i was im awe at his taste (much prettier than what i was looking at). He went back and bought it without me knowing and a month later dropped down on one knee and said 'i love you, marry me'.

It was incredibly romantic and thoughtful and sweet.

So no i dont agree that its either unnecessary pomp or a sign we cant discuss things as friends. Sometimes its just a sweet surprise gesture in a loving relationship.

Racecardriver · 20/01/2019 08:49

Are you sure you aren’t confused? Strictly speaking my husband proposed. He just asked me whether I would marry him. No ring/speech/permission etc. I think this is true of a lot of couples.

Lottapianos · 20/01/2019 08:49

I'm with you OP. I find proposals and engagements total cringe. They belong to a different time. I don't really get why you wouldn't just discuss marriage like you would any big decision in a relationship, rather than waiting around for the big 'surprise' proposal

Pachyderm1 · 20/01/2019 08:50

Yes, you are. Maybe this is true of your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s the ‘right way’ to do things because there is no such thing.

My DH and I talked a lot about getting married. But he still ‘proposed’, presenting me with his grandmother’s ring (totally privately) and telling me exactly what it would mean to be married to me. And then I said the same to him. It’s a cherished memory for me. A marriage is a binding verbal statement of intent, and for me the proposal was the first part of that. The marriage itself was the culmination of a long series of moments where we promised a commitment to each other, and the proposal began that process.

Couples do what’s right for them. Whether it’s a quiet ‘shall we get married?’ said while washing the dishes or a staged one-knee drop with a hidden photographer in front of the Eiffel Tower, it’s still the same thing. It’s still a promise. And if people want pomp and circumstance, who are they hurting? Why are they less virtuous, or their commitment less real, just because a bit of extra jazz is important to them?

CherryPavlova · 20/01/2019 08:52

Gosh we’re waiting for ‘the moment’ with our eldest daughter. He’s taken my husband out for ‘that drink’ and sought our approval. The ring, we believe, has been made.He just wants to make it a memorable occasion and they both want a formal commitment as they prepare for marriage.
It’s nice having sometimes celebrate.

DuggeesWoggle · 20/01/2019 08:54

We had 'the conversation' where we agreed we both wanted to spend the rest of our lives together but I said I wanted him to ask me properly - not a massive proposal but I just wanted it to come from him. DH is so reticent in discussing anything to do with feelings/relationships that I was concerned I had put him on the spot. Asking him to propose meant he had time to think it through and make sure he totally meant it.

Plus it was really romantic when he proposed on top of a mountain and then dug a bottle of champagne and 2 glasses out if his bag that he'd hauled up with him!

fruityb · 20/01/2019 08:55

My husband asked my dad and proposed on one knee with a ring he’d chosen while we were on holiday. I never expected it and it was a beautiful romantic moment.

Romance is just that - it’s not necessary exactly but it’s nice. I’ll always treasure that moment that day. We went back to where he did it on our honeymoon with our son. It was lovely.

It’s not for you and that’s fine. But it was for me.

Dalia1989 · 20/01/2019 08:57

DH and I discussed marriage within a week of getting together. We then totally failed to get married for years and years, due to money and life being busy and there always being something else to do but we both knew we wanted to be married before we had DC. We knew that would happen soon, so we'd been discussing some of the options and then in the middle of that process it was Xmas so DH bought me a ring (which was perfect and beautiful) and put it in a Christmas stocking for me.

It wasn't a surprise. But it was a nice gesture to affirm how much the idea of marriage meant to him. I still treasure the memory hugely.

Sometimes a bit of a gesture is nice and if someone wants that in their relationship - more power to them! I don't think it says anything about the quality of their relationship - I'm sure there are lots of grown up sensible people who just have discussions and never have a proposal who end up divorced and mad gesture engagement people who stay married for life. And vice versa. What matters is whether you want the same thing really, in lots of areas, and I guess maybe your attitude to celebration and ritual and ceremony is one of them.

Ragwort · 20/01/2019 08:57

Agree with Kaniel, fine for someone to propose before the couple are living together/have children etc, that seems quite ‘sweet’ but you see countless threads on here from women who have been either partners years, bought or rented a home together, had children .... yet are disappointed that there is no ‘proposal’. Hmm.

But all too frequently people (women) seem to confuse a wedding with a marriage.

ShatnersBassoon · 20/01/2019 08:57

It just signals the intention to get married doesn't it? So people know there'll be a wedding at some point, and families can start making plans. It works the same when a couple have discussed marriage and agreed to go ahead as when someone takes their partner by surprise with a grand gesture.

Seline · 20/01/2019 08:59

Because some traditions are fun and enjoyable.

There's no logical necessity for it now, and people have the choice about it. But others enjoy continuing it simply because they like it. No deeper meaning necessary.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 20/01/2019 09:01

I hear you, OP. LatentPhase, that is probably true for a lot of people, however, my ex proposed to me and it was a complete shock. I had been planning on breaking up with him because I didn’t think we were compatible long term.

DH never proposed. I am not really sure how we ended up married, in fact! We had talked about marriage but I don’t quite know how we jumped from that to actually planning the wedding.

But I am glad it worked out that way as I didn’t want another surprise proposal and it was important to me (and him) that we talked about our future rather than him making decisions and then asking me along for the ride.

Grosserygangrule · 20/01/2019 09:05

Of course me and dh discussed marriage and kids etc. We both knew that's what we wanted. He proposed had a ring etc. And I loved it, just because you don't like it doesn't make if worthless. We didn't have a massively long engagement it was the time we used to arrange the wedding

3in4years · 20/01/2019 09:06

I'm with you. It's archaic. My dh and I discussed marriage together and decided when we'd share our planning with family.

ChrisPrattsFace · 20/01/2019 09:08

We had discussed marriage on many occasions, that it’s both something we wanted when the time and finances were right. One day out of the blue he proposed and I said yes, as he knew I would. It wasn’t sprung up on me.
Also feel bad for those who say yes when they perhaps don’t want to, though!

gamerwidow · 20/01/2019 09:13

It’s not necessary but some people think it’s romantic and want a special day and event associated with their engagement.
Same goes for engagement rings or any part of a wedding really, none of it is necessary . If that’s the way people want to do it though then that’s their business.

gamerwidow · 20/01/2019 09:15

Fwiw DH and I decided between us to get married but I don’t judge people who do the big proposal instead. The only thing I don’t like is public proposals where the person is put under pressure to say yes in front of an audience.

RebeccaCloud9 · 20/01/2019 09:17

My DH proposed because we had known for a while that I wanted to get married but he wasn't ready (mainly for family/wedding reasons). When he was ready, he proposed. If I had known he wanted to get married before I did, I may have proposed when I wanted to.

MsVestibule · 20/01/2019 09:20

Aibu to think officially proposing is either unnecessary pomp or a sign that a couple aren't good friends enough to discuss things as friends and equals?.

In our case, unnecessary pomp. I wasn't fussed about a proposal (he knew the answer would be yes, even though we hadn't actually discussed it previously) but it seemed as though it was something he wanted to do 🤷‍♀️.

But aren't a lot of traditions unnecessary pomp? Singing happy birthday, anything other than the most basic wedding, graduation ceremonies etc but they all make life a bit less mundane.