To ask what is the point of a proposal nowadays?

[Nearlyspringthankgod]

I understand it 200 years ago. Women were expected to wait about for a man they didn't know that well to pick them off the shelf. It just seems bizarre to me now when most of us already live with our partners and discuss things on a day to day basis.

I have several friends who have all recently married, and in all cases the men proposed.
My own partner and I have decided to go down the civil partnership route when the legislation comes through for it for straight couples. Neither of us proposed though. He asked what I thought about getting married, and we discussed it from there, which is how we make all our big decisions. Id have cringed with embarrassment if he'd gone down on one knee, done this rehearsed speech, offered me a ring or asked my dad's permission first which my mate's husband did.

What I can't get my head round with a proposal is that it either seems unnecessary, in that the couple have already decided that they both want to marry, but then the 'surprise,' romantic proposal becomes the official seal, or else it genuinely is a surprise which means that rather than talking it through the woman has had this huge question sprung on her that the man has already been thinking about on his own.

Aibu to think officially proposing is either unnecessary pomp or a sign that a couple aren't good friends enough to discuss things as friends and equals?

I guess some couples find it romantic they are not harming anybody are they I'm sure women are not so feeble that they can't discuss marraige.

Quite Msvestibule sometimes life needs a bit of pomp and celebration

I completely agree OP. It seems very archaic and unequal, especially the man asking the woman’s father as if she’s some kind of possession. DH asked me to marry him years ago when I’d taken him on a surprise trip and I remember saying to him don’t get down on one knee or I’ll throw up! We’d discussed it already though and we knew where we were in the relationship.

Yup, OP. And since beginning to read the frequency of the ‘we’ve been together ten years with two children, my name isn’t on the mortgage and I’m a SAHM — why won’t he propose?’ threads on here, I’d go further than the proposal being just an anachronism, and say that it’s actively damaging in some cases, because it confuses the issue of marriage as a financial protection for women who are economically vulnerable within their relationships with a sort of ‘romantic’ hangover which puts marriage into the position of something in men’s gift which they graciously offer women.

So many threads on here involve the woman going along, pathetically, with the ‘I’m traditional!’ and ‘I won’t say anything because he wants to save for a ring/a big wedding/ to propose in his own time and make it ‘special!’ script. What they are actually doing is allowing some outdated ideas from a time when the proposal was the beginning of a commitment to disadvantage them, and distract them from the reality of their own precarious position as an unmarried SAHM whose finances are entirely reliant on her partner.

You seem like you've come to this conclusion because you've decided that your way is the correct way, and an official proposal is the wrong way, without any room for the fact that different people like different things. My DH proposed to me and spoke to my dad about it first - you might not think it to be correct, but it doesn't mean we're any less "good friends" than you and your DP.

Most couples, regardless of how they come to be married or when, talk about marriage first. I'm thrilled I was proposed to, it's a memory I'll treasure forever and I know DH will too.

I was with DH for 11 years before he proposed but we did start 'going out' when we were 13.

I just think it's a nice to do something special for the start of organising the marriage. Surely it's nice not to do everything so matter of fact

I think it's really sad that so many women still need the validation of being proposed to.

Wow OP, you seem like a barrel of laughs. Guessing you're going to cancell christmas too, as it's just a commercial venture. Ditto Valentines day, and I suppose birthdays are just a stupid meaningless tradition to mark the arbitrary passage of time.

It’s a romantic gesture. If you hate romantic gestures, fair play, don’t do it. But some people still like a bit of something special, a memory, a sweet private moment.

It is no longer ‘necessary’ as such and women are now the makers of their own fate. But IMO I wouldn’t take a man seriously and consider having children with him etc until he has proposed and ‘it came from him’. Then I know it’s more than a bit of fun for him, he wants to be here for the long haul and HE would like to commit.

Honestly, I have zero patience for men who can’t make their mind up and live with a woman for years, father children with her and play families for the time being. This is unfair on the woman and damaging to her in a lot of ways, financially is one.

I wouldn’t consider anything serious until I received a proposal. To me this is how he shows the strength of his feelings, his commitment to ME and his plans to spend the rest of his life with ME. It shows me I’m not just a stop gap until somebody better comes along. And I have known an awful lot of men do the ‘stop gap thing’ unbeknownst to their partners, of course.

Archaic and cringy, especially when the 'proposal' results in years and years of being engaged.
I do get that some people find it romantic and 'fun'.
Worse than a 'proposal' is the whole asking the father for his 'permission'. Gross.

Just because something is 'traditional' doesn't mean it can't, or shouldn't be questioned.

I think proposals can be fun but marriage?
Now that's the outdated bit imo.

I like my way of doing things.
The way I do things is the way everybody should do things.
People who do things in a different way from the way I do things are wrong.

I agree with you OP

Dh proposed with the ring. It was a huge surprise and a wonderful romantic moment which still makes me smile when I think about it. That's what worked for us and was right for us. Your way works for you. My relationship with dh reminds me of two of my lovely friends who are very happily married to each other. They are well suited and loved up after 13 years of marriage. They are from a different culture and had an arranged marriage. Not my thing but that's what worked for them.

I think it's really sad that so many women still need the validation of being proposed to.

I think it’s really sad that so many woman are condescending arseholes who still need to validate their own choices by looking down on other women.

Ah OP your way is clearly the right way. Thank goodness you’re here to tell everyone they’re doing it wrong 🙄

damaging in some cases, because it confuses the issue of marriage as a financial protection for women who are economically vulnerable within their relationships with a sort of ‘romantic’ hangover which puts marriage into the position of something in men’s gift which they graciously offer women.

Yes, well put. And I think it's reminded me of another reason I don't find proposals that romantic. For me, marriage is more of a 'what if it all goes wrong?' protection. Perhaps that's from too much time reading about the awful partners of a lot of the Mumsnet posters. If you're already living together, I can't see that marriage changes day to day living really. What it does do though is put into place a lot of legal protections if things go to shit: if you split, if one of you dies, or if one of you is too sick to make decisions anymore.

I agree entirely. Getting engaged is choosing to marry. What is the point of asking the question if the couple have already agreed to marry? My daughter hung out for a reluctant proposal even though the groom had started planning the venue Crackers. I hate a big public show. Who would do that unless they knew the answer was yes? One thing that I have noticed big time in this generation. When couples are happily living together the men often are reluctant to marry, and even say they are more willing to commit to having a child than a marriage, which is a bigger commitment. They are naive about the vulnerable situation it puts thei loved ones in

I agree OP.

However some need the validation of being proposed to, some need the pictures for social media, likewise others want the expensive ring etc. Then the whole planning of "their special day" ensues for all to ensure.

I think the actual vows and commitment seem forgotten to many as being the real reason for marriage.

Valid points I still wanted it though. Life would be boring without a bit of unnecessary pomp

Ah OP your way is clearly the right way. Thank goodness you’re here to tell everyone they’re doing it wrong

I don't think I said that. I asked for people to explain if I'm being unreasonable, which they have. Aibu would be very quiet if people all went with the "everyone's different and I'm not going to question anyone else's approach" line.

God some people seem hell bent on sucking the joy out of life. Everything has to be so “right on” and pedestrian all the time. Yawn. Of course there’s nothing wrong with being proposed to fgs! DH proposed to me on one knee with a ring on holiday and it was amazing at this time and still a lovely memory. It’s not like taking out a mortgage fgs. You need moments like that in life to get you through the grind and the hard bits. I think people should celebrate whatever and however they want - proposals, engagements, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, birth of DC, promotions, housewarmings, qualifications - whatever you want! The stooges can tie themselves up in whataboutery and sit on the sidelines if that’s what they feel they must do, but no need to take any notice.

Of course it's archaic but it's a moment I'll never forget

OP I agree with you, but I’m the second least romantic person on earth (least romantic being DW). Don’t even get me started on “asking the father” and “giving away the bride” which are also,ute,y about women as property.
I don’t understand why with 2 kids you haven’t had a registry office ceremony though. You’re vulnerable to next of kin and inheritance laws.

Honestly if I were getting engaged and looking to get married now, I doubt we'd bother with it all. We were quite young when we got engaged and it all seemed a very big deal at the time. In retrospect less so.