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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dp is a fucking idiot

81 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 18/01/2019 20:11

I am so bloody angry and upset.

I have a hospital appointment on monday. Or at least i think i do. Ive been very stressed about it.

I received a letter today telling me that it has been rearranged "as requested". I didn't request this.

Dp got home at about 3.30 today and read the letter. I didnt get in from work until 7.

Why in the name of all that is holy didn't he ring me at work and tell me. In fact i rang home about 5 to check something. No mention.

So i somehow manage to get through to somebody who is most put out that i dared to ring after 5 that their booking reception is closed. I explain that i have a procedure booked that i need to prepare for and i need to know if its still going ahead.

She was actually really blunt with me and said well you are booked in on monday at 11.30 AND the other date. I explained this would be a single appointment, no follow ups expected. Furthermore the appointment is at a different lication as to where i booked. I was told well Mr X can't be in two places at once and hes booked in at location A. My appointment is supposed to be in location B 30 miles away Hmm

I asked her what had happened but she could only access the appointments at the location she is at.

So where do i go? Have i still got an appointment? Ive had to prearrange time off work and i have to prepare for the procedure.

Why the fuck didnt my DP check this for me? Why didnt he call me so i had the opportunity to check for myself.

I am still not sure if i have an appointment or not. I suffer from anxiety and my main trigger is not knowing what is happening. Im already shitting myself about the appointment. He knows this but we have just had a blazing row and he fails to see why im upset Angry

OP posts:
Suebnm · 18/01/2019 22:21

OP does your boyfriend know you have anxiety around this sort of thing? How did you expect him to sort it out for you? Is his name 'down' on your records for them to talk freely to him?

If his name has been given to the hospital in that capacity and he knows about your anxiety then he has done this on purpose.

Fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 22:22

If it’s a consultant with private and nhs patients, they will have a secretary and they will have a weekend number. Do
You know the name of the consultant? Google and find their contact details.

halfchocolate · 18/01/2019 22:39

You were probably cross with DP because you are frustrated by the last minute change and confusing situation and it's easier to use DP as a buffer and vent now you feel you have no time to find out where and when your appointment is.

I would think if your new appointment letter is dated within the last couple of days, this appointment time and venue is your new appointment. The reason for the last minute change may not have reached the bookings clerk, hence the apparent confusion. We can add notes on our computer system attached to a patient's change of appointment though.

If you would rather check first, call the consultant's secretary early on Monday; some of our secretaries start at 7.00am, most at 8.00 maybe you will have time to do this and all will hopefully become clear. Ask switchboard to put you through to the sec, if they mention she is not there ask for another colleague in the same office.

I hope all goes well for your procedure.

Now I was a bit disappointed to read hospitals have form for this, its sneaky tho. Actually, hospitals don't send out appointments, people do usually the secretaries. A consultant/Reg may have to cancel a clinic at the last minute for any number of reasons. It is heart-sinking for secretaries when this happens particularly if it is at such short notice so it is unlikely that another doctor can cover the clinic. It is so hard to fit a whole clinic of patients into other already overbooked clinics.

We try to contact patients by phone but many will be at work so cannot answer their phone straight away and we are not allowed to leave messages on answerphones. So, if we cannot reach a patient, (after trying several times in the day), we are left with just hoping a letter will reach the patient in time.

Today, I cancelled over 40 appointments, I started work 7am and was still at work at 7.30pm trying to find empty slots in various clinics for the patients, prioritising those attending for results, needing new medication, allowing for school runs, carers, distance from hospital etc. It took the entire day to read their past clinic letters to enable prioritising, find empty slots in future clinics to slot patients into and contact patients. I will receive a few abusive calls early next week as the new appointments are received.

Now, for some reason, although I cancelled the appointments, the letters all came out worded as "thank you for re-arranging your appointment". It is against trust policy to handwrite anything on a letter any longer, so I couldn't write on to explain why we had actually changed the appointment which will add to our patients' frustrations.

Can't believe you got this far in my rant but thank you for reading

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 18/01/2019 23:23

Thanks halfchocolate - so you think it has changed? It does seem a bit odd that they sent the letter and then the location changed.

The woman i spoke to tonight was less than helpful, telling me that i have an appointment monday but at a different hospital and when i asked if she was sure as my appointment is at a different hospital she said "well he cant be in two places at once" so not exactly falling over herself to help.

Just wish i knew - work has already reorganised things to accommodate the time off so im not sure how that stands if i dont have the appointment. Especially as i start work at 8.30 and am supposed to take diazepam first thing and then again just before the appointment Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 18/01/2019 23:28

I will think of you when i call monday and remember its not that persons fault. I can deal with the cancellation in the scheme of things its not a catastrophe. Im sure thetre are people getting tgeir appointments cancelled that are awaiting urgent treatment. Perspective is a very elusive thing when suffering from anxiety

OP posts:
joanmcc · 18/01/2019 23:41

It'd be a cold day in hell when I let my DP speak about me the way you speak about yours. Your anxiety is not a free pass to be abusive. I hope someone in real life makes sure he knows that.

Auntiepatricia · 18/01/2019 23:44

I’m sorry, I can’t get past wondering why your boyfriend is opening your medical letter.

Banjax · 18/01/2019 23:47

No idea why your boyfriend is copping it.
.you're taking it out on the wrong person.

joanmcc · 18/01/2019 23:48

Abusive people do that.

RB68 · 18/01/2019 23:52

So do people that are upset and anxious about an op frankly

RB68 · 18/01/2019 23:54

I have known people get letters about appts in the past - but they also attended as they phoned to chase and were told verbally. The appts system is a nightmare and I think you have to bear with them.

I am with the try phoning the surgeons secretary tomorrow...they may well be working rather than the reception and they will have his or her ACTUAL diary, other than that I would suggest stick with the original date going ahead as if you miss it you go back to the bottom of the list

Rachelle3211 · 18/01/2019 23:57

I get why you are stressed but you owe your dp an enormous apology. You also need to get some serious help for your anxiety given you are this mean to your dp when triggered. He is not a "fucking idiot".

Littleraindrop15 · 18/01/2019 23:58

Can you not call tomorrow??

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 00:06

It's been confirmed to you that the appointment is on Monday, I'm not really sure why you think it's cancelled. The only area of uncertainty is where it is, and you have time to sort that out on Monday morning.

NameChange176 · 19/01/2019 00:14

@halfchocolate
for some reason... the letters all came out worded as "thank you for re-arranging your appointment"

Erm aren’t you the one creating the letters? Surely you have a different template you can use? If not I take it you’ve raised it with your manager?

Honestly this kind of attitude- “it just happens” is incredibly poor! Take responsibility for your work ffs!

NameChange176 · 19/01/2019 00:15

It's been confirmed to you that the appointment is on Monday, I'm not really sure why you think it's cancelled. The only area of uncertainty is where it is, and you have time to sort that out on Monday morning.
^this

halfchocolate · 19/01/2019 00:35

By the time I'd finished my essay, I saw that yours is actually an NHS clinic appointment within a private hospital? Maybe a waiting list initiative? I work in the NHS.

It is confusing. You could try ringing both places tomorrow; A and B just in case someone will answer who is a bit kinder and who is willing to put in a bit more leg-work to shed some light on your problem. They might be able to see if any notes have been added on to your rescheduled appointment or who rescheduled it. We often work Saturdays. They may be able to Email the doctor to see where he is on Monday; our doctors often respond to Emails day, late night and weekends but I am unsure if they are exceptional in this?

Sorry for the moan, it absolutely wasn't meant in any way for you, I think today was just a long one. The last place anyone wants to be is hospital so it's natural to be anxious and worried. I experience both sides; me being a patient and being behind the scenes as a member of staff but everyone I work with really do care and are incredibly patient and kind. I really hope someone is around tomorrow who can help you.

StoppinBy · 19/01/2019 00:36

Your husband would have assumed you changed the appointment wouldn't he?

YABU and I say this as someone who can have pretty high expectations of my hubby. If you got annoyed at your DH then you owe him an apology.

StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 00:37

You seem to see your partner are you administrator. Odd.

PatchworkWomble · 19/01/2019 00:37

If it is considered a very urgent procedure, I'd prepare as if its going ahead and then call first thing Monday to find out.

If it isn't, then for the sake of your mental health, I would forget Monday and call them, explain what happened, that you did not prepare as you thought it had been rescheduled and go from there.

If your DP was fully aware of the situation, including your anxiety and the fact that, as far as you were concerned, your appointment was on Monday, then yes I'd be annoyed. If you've not chatted about it much then I agree with others that it's not fair to be angry with him.

I've had many similar mix ups with hospital appointments so empathise. What I do now, for any appointment (be it blood test or operation), I call to confirm a couple of days beforehand. Helps with peace of mind!

PickAChew · 19/01/2019 00:39

Of you can work, I guess dp would assume you're a competent adult?

mathanxiety · 19/01/2019 00:40

I think your anger at your DP is justified.

How would you take his intelligence? His level of engagement with you and your concerns? Because what he did this afternoon was pretty stupid, as well as thoughtless.

PickAChew · 19/01/2019 00:43

And to clarify, if dh knew I was waiting on a letter from, he'd tell me. If something surprising turns up, we tell each other. Only then mugh we open each ithers' mail. So we can clue each other up.

8 suggest in future you make it clear that you're wUting for contact from x hospital, so can he please tell you if it arrives when you're otherwise busy.

mathanxiety · 19/01/2019 00:48

The OP didn't expect him to sort anything out for her.

She expected him to tell her this letter had arrived - which he admits he thought was a mistake, so that she could make a call in office hours to find out for herself what was happening.

For something as important as a hospital procedure, you would have to be pretty thick to just shrug and expect it all to sort itself out.

Smallhorse · 19/01/2019 01:07

Stop blaming dh
Not his fault