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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dp is a fucking idiot

81 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 18/01/2019 20:11

I am so bloody angry and upset.

I have a hospital appointment on monday. Or at least i think i do. Ive been very stressed about it.

I received a letter today telling me that it has been rearranged "as requested". I didn't request this.

Dp got home at about 3.30 today and read the letter. I didnt get in from work until 7.

Why in the name of all that is holy didn't he ring me at work and tell me. In fact i rang home about 5 to check something. No mention.

So i somehow manage to get through to somebody who is most put out that i dared to ring after 5 that their booking reception is closed. I explain that i have a procedure booked that i need to prepare for and i need to know if its still going ahead.

She was actually really blunt with me and said well you are booked in on monday at 11.30 AND the other date. I explained this would be a single appointment, no follow ups expected. Furthermore the appointment is at a different lication as to where i booked. I was told well Mr X can't be in two places at once and hes booked in at location A. My appointment is supposed to be in location B 30 miles away Hmm

I asked her what had happened but she could only access the appointments at the location she is at.

So where do i go? Have i still got an appointment? Ive had to prearrange time off work and i have to prepare for the procedure.

Why the fuck didnt my DP check this for me? Why didnt he call me so i had the opportunity to check for myself.

I am still not sure if i have an appointment or not. I suffer from anxiety and my main trigger is not knowing what is happening. Im already shitting myself about the appointment. He knows this but we have just had a blazing row and he fails to see why im upset Angry

OP posts:
MsLexic · 18/01/2019 20:41

Poor you. Sorry he didn't tell you but it's not a capital offence. My DP didn't tell me when I had a flat tyre because he didn't want me to get upset... so I drove on a flat tyre and then ruined the brakes.
So I suffer from anxiety and so do you, that's why he didn't tell you...
Forgiveness if you can.
Stay calm. Sort it out on Monday love , Enjoy your weekend instead.
Good luck and hope it all is just fine x

WisdomOfCrowds · 18/01/2019 20:42

Sorry OP, another one here who doesn't think your dp did anything wrong (and I'm usually after blood with most of the men posted about on here, it's pretty rare that I don't think the man is in the wrong). If I read a letter saying that the most I'd probably do would be to say "how come you rearranged your appointment?" over dinner later on. No way would it occur to me to phone you at work to check it wasn't an error. You're clearly very stressed and anxious about all this so I'm sure you dp will understand, but when you're a bit calmer I think you should say sorry to him. And maybe consider that whatever treatment you're getting for your anxiety needs adjusting.

Steamedbadger · 18/01/2019 20:43

Going against the flow here but I think your dp was being a bit of a fuckwit. Why would he open the letter if he wasn't going to deal with it (perhaps by alerting you so you could call the hospital)? You are worried about the procedure; presumably he knows this and that it is supposed to be on Monday? The hospital has messed up but he could have been more helpful.

Ljlsmum · 18/01/2019 20:44

I think yabu to your husband. Like you said yourself the letter said appointment changed as requested. I'd assume you'd requested the change so wouldn't mention it. Not that I open my dh's mail or him mine.

WisdomOfCrowds · 18/01/2019 20:44

"My DP didn't tell me when I had a flat tyre because he didn't want me to get upset... so I drove on a flat tyre and then ruined the brakes."

Jesus, this is exactly the kind of thing my dp would do. Not tell me about something to prevent me feeling stressed, therefore causing the situation to escalate and me to feel 10 times as stressed. It's such backwards logic! Sorry to derail...

Fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 20:45

What time is your appointment?
Is the prep something like fasting that can be done anyway (annoying it doable) or laxatives that would mess you up for no reason if it doesn’t go ahead? (No needtk say, just what would be the downside of prepping anyway)
Will work let you go in if you have time and find out in the morning that it’s postponed, so you don’t miss a day?

Try ringing the other place tomorrow. I’ve had appointments on Saturdays, there may be someone there who can help.
Does the consultant have a secretary’s number? Google.

flamingofridays · 18/01/2019 20:46

Its not his fault at all. Dp wouldn't even think about doing anything about a letter like this and i wouldnt expect him to.

Whoever sets the appointments has fucked up. Its very crap but it happens. Human error / system error.

Yabbers · 18/01/2019 20:46

If he hadn’t been at home, you wouldn’t have got the letter till you got home
But he was. And he opened it. How difficult would it have been to drop a text to say “did you know this was changed?” aware that it was Friday at 3.30 and if she waited til she got home it would be harder to call someone about it. It’s not rocket science.

I don’t have anxiety and I’d have been pissed off at my DH for this. He’s done this for me a few times so it’s not unreasonable to expect any sensible adult to do the same.

OP, I’d assume the app is on and call first thing Monday to check.

whiteworld · 18/01/2019 20:46

MsLexic, your h made a stupid decision. Not telling you your tyre was flat? You could have had an accident. But having said that, you should check your own tyres and know when your car is not driving right.

whiteworld · 18/01/2019 20:48

I wouldn’t want my h opening my post! That’s weird. And how did the op’s h know op hadn’t rearranged the appt?

MsLexic · 18/01/2019 20:51

Flaming me? Forget it, love

Yabbers · 18/01/2019 20:53

And how did the op’s h know op hadn’t rearranged the appt?
How hard would it be to ask? I assume he knew she was supposed to be there on Monday, and if he hadn’t heard otherwise, should have worked it out.

Why do we pretend partners are incapable of thinking things through?

Bakingberry · 18/01/2019 20:54

I'm sorry OP. Your husband should have called you at work to let you know about the change. Sometimes they can be so thoughtless. I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious about the appointment. If I was in your position I'd prepare to go along on as planned on Monday. Give them a call first thing just to confirm. ThanksThanksThanks

flamingofridays · 18/01/2019 20:55

Thinking things through? Or babying your wife?

MarshaBradyo · 18/01/2019 20:57

Can you write down the order of their letters / calls maybe we can help you decipher it

  • original call
  • letter
  • new letter
  • call info

Etc

JennyHolzersGhost · 18/01/2019 21:01

What is the point of him opening a letter to someone else if he doesn’t then act on it ? It just sounds controlling tbh.

LakieLady · 18/01/2019 21:04

How does the hospital think it’s ok to send you a letter that arrives on a Friday pertaining to the following Monday?! What if you’d been away for the weekend? And why is your partner opening your post anyway?

They seem to do this quite a bit. I have twice turned up for hospital appointments, only be told that my appointment has been cancelled and that they sent me a letter the previous day notifying me of the fact. Which is a complete waste of a stamp when the appointment is at 9.30 and the post doesn't arrive until gone 2pm.

PolkaDoting · 18/01/2019 21:11

Have you said to your DPs face that he is a ‘fucking idiot’?

Bringbackthestripes · 18/01/2019 21:14

Op Flowers you are going to be worrying all weekend, understandably. All you can do is phone first thing Monday morning and see if someone can clarify where it is you need to be. If I was in your shoes I would be annoyed at DP too, at the very least he could have sent you a message and said a letter arrived saying xxxx ...and then you could have responded, the fact that you actually phoned him and he didn’t even mention it is baffling, and it is understandable that you are upset, BUT men don’t really think the same way we do. It is going to be an awful weekend for you, I hope you can speak to someone early enough to sort it on Monday so your procedure can go ahead.

WinnieFosterTether · 18/01/2019 21:16

Presumably it's the same doctor/consultant's details for both appointments? If so, can you call the consultant's receptionist tomorrow? Some consultants have clinics on Saturdays and you can get in touch with them. I've had to do it for DH before.
It's not ideal that your DP didn't call you when he opened the letter but I'd assume he didn't really think about the implications of the letter. Plus, you did manage to speak to someone tonight so it's not really your DP's fault that the person who answered the phone didn't have access to the complete system.

KarmaStar · 18/01/2019 21:18

Op,don't take your anxiety,frustration and worries out on your dp when due to data protection they would not have dealt with him and you were at work and maybe unable to deal.
Totally understand your feelings but maybe best to pull together ,face this as a loving couple?
Be sure of your target before firing the arrow.
Flowers🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸for you,I hope it gets sorted and your treatment successful.

AvocadoYUK · 18/01/2019 21:26

That sucks but bloody hell, what did you expect your husband to do? Did he know you had changed it? Did he think it was worth ringing you at work when he wasn't sure. Yu are angry which is fine but jesus, don't take it out in him

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 18/01/2019 21:36

He knows i didnt rearrange the apointment because i called him to check that i still had the prescription for the medication i nerd to take in preparation. He also is taking me to the appointment so he knew i was expecting it on monday.

He said he thought it was a mistake Hmm

You are right - its not his fault but he could have been more sympathetic when i got upset.

I dont understand it - when the appointments they called me and saud would i mind going to hospital y as i would be seen quicker than in hospital z. So i chose hiospital y. They confirmed this by letter.

The letter i got today was said the appointment was rearranged "as requested". If it hadnt said that i would have just assumed they had to postpine it.

That is why i called. The person i spoke to was irritated by the fact i called late. But i need to prepare the night before so i need to know. I have also arranged time off work (not straightforward). They said im.booked in but not at the hospital my letter says.

Im so confused and stressed. Yes on the face of it i can call first thing monday and confirm location. My worry is that there is no appointment and the receptionist i spoke to tonight isnt looking at an updated screen.

This is a private hospital although im an nhs patient. Seems like they are pretty disorganised.

Im beyond worried and not sure i can cope. I know im pathetic

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 18/01/2019 21:41

You might have got a rubbish answer if you had rung before 5.
i would ring on monday morning at 8 am

HoraceCope · 18/01/2019 21:43

Rearranged as requested could just be their standard letter, it does sound like it has been rearranged.
i would go with the rearranged date, if you can bear to wait