Would you date someone who was unhealthy?

[Breakawaygirl]

In my younger years, I dated men who were very big social drinkers, ate poor diets (think KFC and pizza), didn't exercise or were smokers. Not all of my partners were this way but a consistent number were. I put this down to youth (lots of teens drank too much and ate badly and then got to grips with their health as they got into their early to mid twenties.)

I personally am very healthy other than an addiction to chocolate. My typical diet is MOSTLY vegan/vegetarian (I think the current definition would be a flexitarian) with occasional eggs, fish and chicken.

I work out a lot and try to take good care of my mental health.

This year, having dealt with a terminally ill mother, I've found that I am really repulsed by the thought of dating a man who does not prioritise his health.

If someone smokes, drinks too much, does drugs or doesn't exercise, I worry about impending health issues. I think I am a bit scared from caring for my mother. Of course you can be healthy and still become unwell, but I do find it hard to truly invest in a person who does not prioritise their own health. Even if a person may have one vice, they need to care about health in general.

A male friend whose mother died from lung cancer triggered by smoking agreed that a woman who did not take care of her health in ways she could control would be a dealbreaker after the suffering he witnessed with his own mother.

Does anyone else feel this way about health, or would it not be an issue for you?

Your dating preferences are your dating preferences and YANBU to have personal preferences. Compatible outlook and lifestyle are of course always important, whether that's healthy eating, supporting Brexit, a strong religious belief etc

Hmm. I think you have to be careful that, whilst obsessing over your health, you're forgetting to enjoy yourself.

I wouldn't date a smoker as smoking stinks, is expensive and is just rank. I wouldn't date someone who drank to excess as my dad is an alcoholic and I really do not want to run the risk of being in a relationship with one. I have a bit of a preference for slim, fit men but that's not always who I go out with.

I did go out with someone with a benign brain tumour and OCD but I broke up with him because he started seeing someone else. I'm currently dating someone who seems to have a relatively healthy lifestyle but who, like me, can enjoy a pint of beer without fretting over it. I'm more interested in the fact that he's funny, kind and loyal and we seem to have a lot of shared values and interests.

Your call OP. Just bear in mind that although healthy choices do affect our life expectancy, some things are just beyond our control.

I wouldn't date a smoker or drug taker but am more relaxed on other things. An extremely unhealthy lifestyle would put me off, but so would someone that was so healthy that it really restricted what they would eat.

Well all the ready unhealthy risk taking types I've known are all dead now.From drugs/alcohol, extreme sports which have killed them etc.I've been friends with people who wouldn't think the night was over until they had collapsed etc.
Just do what you want OP, if your wanting someone to build a life with then its not unreasonable to not want someone whos time is limited.I think you have to live a bit as well though so don't be too closed off.
Personally I'd only want to see someone on a very casual basis so it wouldn't matter that much.

I don't know how a fat and unhealthy person can ever love another

Is that for real??

Tbh it kinda depends but how old is your mum sorry about her health but tbf we all end up I’ll and eventually dieing.
I am probably not very healthy in terms of eating / I don’t drink much or do drugs
I do smoke and really like cake.
I am a healthy bmi and I have never spent a day in hospital apart from pregnancy.
Does this go for the same as adrenaline junkies/ skiers / people who ride motorbikes/ etc there is plenty of things that put you at a risk.

In 2018 I attended 8 funerals of close family members. Causes of death largely impacted by lifestyle and bad choices. This sparked a fire in me to get healthy and I’ve lost 4 stone and now a size 10 with a healthy bmi. I exercise daily not to be obsessive but because I enjoy it. My partner is also in great shape but if he chose to smoke, drink excessively, take drugs and become a gluttonous slob then I’d leave. You get one shot a life.

I think that the ability to love begins with yourself. I don't know how a fat and unhealthy person can ever love another.

That a really... odd attitude to have. Really quite odd.

OP you can date who you want and use any selection criteria you choose. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with finding someone who prioritises their health more appealing and in tune with your own life approach.

However, life is rarely so simple or indeed so fair.

Plenty people with healthy lifestyles get ill and vice versa.

People don’t stay the same their whole lives either. I know former triathletes who suddenly stopped all exercise due to the pressures of work/children/injuries. Marrying a gym bunny at 30 won’t guarantee that they’ll be as slim, fit and healthy at 50.

In fact the person in our social group who was most active as a 30 year old is 15 years later having both his knees replaced and is on crutches. It would be both true and unkind to say that it was self inflicted through marathon running

Major life events have an impact on our health and well being, physical and mental.

In summary, date who you choose but keep an open mind and heart.

I’m fat (not proud of it) and my perfect BMI, cholesterol and BP level husband loves me. We have fun together and get on well. He says I am not fat, just luxurious 😀 Personally I wouldn’t date a drug taker or a heavy drinker but other things wouldn’t bother me. I’d make them smoke outside though.

If your lifestyles aren't compatible at the start of a relationship, then there's not much hope for it.

Ill health can affect anyone, but having lost a parent in childhood to a death that was significantly contributed to by his lifestyle, I'd rather not voluntarily increase the odds of ill health, and choose a partner who was statistically putting themselves at higher risk of premature death.

Dating isn't an issue for me, and having taken vows including "in sickness and in health" I will do my best to stand by them, ultimately we will all die of something.

Our lifestyle has evolved over the past 15+ years, he's got the head start on middle age, but it does help that we tend to be active and understand the other's need for it and are supportive of eachother.

To take it to an extreme, I'd have little in common with a heavy drinking, smoking, drug using, couch potato to found a relationship on.

Does this go for the same as adrenaline junkies/ skiers / people who ride motorbikes/ etc there is plenty of things that put you at a risk.

That’s a really good point Proud my DH cycles thousands of miles a year. It keeps him fit and happy.

It’s also pretty dangerous. He’s come home injured from mountain biking on multiple occasions, been involved in multi bike collisions in road races and be knocked off his bike by cars. He’s very healthy but he also puts his health at risk.

@guildTheLilly so because I'm overweight I'm incapable of loving others? This is one of the most offensive things I've read on here!

guildthelily has made other "controversial" statements today.

I get what you're saying, OP.

It goes further than what you eat - its about being compatible. If you're active and enjoy healthy food, you're not going to enjoy being with a lazy couch potato that smokes like a chimney.

Neither is better/worse, it's just about your own preferences matching with your partner's.

DH & I are very well matched! Love hiking, good food (not junk), non smokers, non drinkers, love evenings in chilling out. Whatever works for you.

I think you'd have had different responses if, instead if saying "someone who wasn't healthy" you'd said "someone who doesn't take care of themselves." FWIW, OP, I agree with you.

The wording of your thread title betrays how confused you are about what you're saying. Anyone can be "unhealthy" regardless of habits.

What you're saying is, "I want to date someone whose habits fit the currently fashionable idea of healthy/virtuous (except they need to be ok with me eating high sugar, high fat chocolate treats whenever I like)."

The fact that you're ok with your chocolate habit and not with someone drinking alcohol plainly shows that it's the fashionable health choices that you're interested in. Not a global, evidence based idea of healthy choices.

You probably also mean "I want to date someone who LOOKS like they make healthy choices". You do know that very fat people are sometimes very healthy and make excellent health choices, for example?

Your post title is misleading because you ask "would you date anyone who was unhealthy". To me this means, would you date someone who had an illness. Maybe you should have asked "would you date someone who had an unhealthy lifestyle".

@AnotherPidgey I couldn't see what that was but they claim to work in a school in charge of safeguarding which with that attitude is really worrying.

Like a PP said, I would choose someone who has a compatible lifestyle so drugs and smoking would not suit me, but certainly enjoying wine & nice meals is what I like. To be honest I wouldn’t have much in common with a super fit, tee total, vegan, exercise addict. I work with someone who is obsessed with vegetarianism, animal rights, extreme political views, she is perfectly nice but we don’t have that much in common & she can be excessively earnest in her opinions.

Of course, you can date who you want. For you that would be a dealbreaker as you are on different wavelengths.

I wouldn't date someone who smoked or took drugs or drank to excess or chose to eat food them made them severely overweight. I also wouldn't date a fitness fanatic. I'd want someone who respected their body, but not too much Basically someone who is compatible with my lifestyle. I've got lovely DH anyway but I think I agree with what I think you are saying.

I went on a date with a guy. We went for a drink but he had a coke while I had a glass of wine. He told me that he was thinking of going for dinner but he was off carbs at that time and had some other dietry preferences, that it just wasn't worth it. He also had to go home early to get his rest as he would be up running at 6am the next morning. When he asked for another date, I said no! I would rather date someone unhealthy than health obsessed! So I don't think you really have anything to worry about, as like attracts like so to speak. What you deem an unhealthy person would probably deem you too rigid. I wouldn't want to date an alcoholic or someone very obese etc. But I want to be able to enjoy a glass of wine or a takeaway sometimes without feeling I'm doing something "wrong".

I am the same OP, I have tried dating men that don’t look after themselves but it hasn’t worked out. I do eat the odd take away but I am quite active and reasonably fit for my age. I prefer to date men that take care of themselves but like the odd treat. Smokers repulse me even though as a teen I smoked, same with drinkers.

I think i will be single forever

OP, I'm surprised at the level of vitriol on the part of some posters here, who in my mind seem overly offended and reactionary. (I realise this is on AIBU but still!). I'm surprised at some people's lack of empathy for you having cared for and witnessed your own mother's decline. Personally, I share your values. I feel that if you go out with someone, the hope is that you're in it for the long haul, right? And if you invest your love and feelings into someone, why add a risk factor in terms of having your heart broken? Like you I appreciate that ill-health can be arbitrary and without rhyme or reason, but if you can mitigate against that, as far as possible, then that's desirable (IMO). So for those reasons, I wouldn't date someone who smoked or drank heavily. Similarly it would put me off going out with someone in the Army as I'd be worried about them being injured or killed on duty. It's a mental self-preservation thing for me.

I think it would depend on how unhealthy they were. Everything in moderation. I lost my dad due to a congenital heart defect when I was a child, his health that he could control had no effect on it and he'd of died that way regardless. I'd not date a smoker because I'm asthmatic or someone who gets drunk a lot but social drinking and the odd takeaway/fast food dinner sure.

Plus I'm not the healthiest person, I'm trying to do better in that regard, firstly I've started making sure I get 5 fruit/veg in a day. Once that is habit, I'll be adding in my weightlifting again and then once that is habit (and the weather is a bit warmer) I'll add in a couple of miles walk each morning and evening. Once I feel healthier and fitter I'm going to start kickboxing again.