Would you date someone who was unhealthy?

[Breakawaygirl]

In my younger years, I dated men who were very big social drinkers, ate poor diets (think KFC and pizza), didn't exercise or were smokers. Not all of my partners were this way but a consistent number were. I put this down to youth (lots of teens drank too much and ate badly and then got to grips with their health as they got into their early to mid twenties.)

I personally am very healthy other than an addiction to chocolate. My typical diet is MOSTLY vegan/vegetarian (I think the current definition would be a flexitarian) with occasional eggs, fish and chicken.

I work out a lot and try to take good care of my mental health.

This year, having dealt with a terminally ill mother, I've found that I am really repulsed by the thought of dating a man who does not prioritise his health.

If someone smokes, drinks too much, does drugs or doesn't exercise, I worry about impending health issues. I think I am a bit scared from caring for my mother. Of course you can be healthy and still become unwell, but I do find it hard to truly invest in a person who does not prioritise their own health. Even if a person may have one vice, they need to care about health in general.

A male friend whose mother died from lung cancer triggered by smoking agreed that a woman who did not take care of her health in ways she could control would be a dealbreaker after the suffering he witnessed with his own mother.

Does anyone else feel this way about health, or would it not be an issue for you?

Seems to be a lot of defensive people on this thread and am not sure why. You are free to conduct your dating life's as you wish as am I and we all have different lines we draw. I was curious as to who feels similarly. Not sure why people would say 'good luck dating OP' - totally unhelpful comment.

Of course if my partner became ill I would stick by them. However if my partner became ill because he got lung cancer from smoking, and whilst ill, refused to quit or even try, this would be a problem for me.

Nah, I'm not interested in having my life limited by someone else at the dating stage.

Different thing once you are an established couple and one gets sick, but in the dating stage you can pick a healthy and active partner if that is your preference.

People who have brown eyes are not attractive to me. There's my deal breaker. Not sure why you need a thread on it? Not trying to sound like a bitch but your preferences are you preferences and it sounds like you are judging people who don't have the same preferences as you which is why people are getting defensive.

@Breakawaygirl
You posted in AIBU. You will get opinions. If you only wanted to hear from people who would agree with you then you are in the wrong place I'm afraid.
You should date someone unhealthy, think how much they would benefit from being around your healthy lifestyle.

Breakawaygirl you can and should date who you want. Even if that's only blonds or only men who wear glasses or only fans of your favourite TV programme, it's entirely up to you and you don't owe anyone a date or a chance to be your boyfriend. So yanbu to only date almost irreproachably health conscious people.

I went out with a health obsessed man a couple of times in my early 20s - he picked the cheese out of a salad and left it on the side, didn't drink, and talked endlessly about his sporting hobbies.He was very attractive to look at but an unattractive self obsessed person, not nasty at all, just rather too deeply in love with himself. The cheese incident killed any interest I had left in him stone dead and I stopped answering his calls (coward).

Its 100% up to you who to date.

Yes I agree with you. Meet men from the gym perhaps, as they 'll be more similar to yourself?

Jeez. Many people on this thread seem to have missed the big news story yesterday. www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-46865204

And the OP said she is flexitarian. Lots of us are. Perfectly fine way of describing people who mainly follow a plant-based diet but not all the time.

Well your sugar addiction might be a dealbreaker for a dedicated 'clean eater' type who only eats healthy, organic food.

I do think it's important to be aware of your health, but when it comes to dating my priorities (if I were single) would always be about their kindness, sense of humour, interests etc. As you get older dating gets harder, it might be tricky to find a partner who fits your parameters exactly and is also generally not a total bumhole.

I think your thread may have got some backs up because by denouncing those vices so absolutely you are effectively implying you think you are superior to those who indulge them. You might not mean to, but it’s bound to annoy people. You do have to expect some backlash on things like this, especially on AIBU.

Without even considering the increased long term risks and how willing or not you are to accept them (because while ill health can happen to anyone, it is far more likely for people who eat badly, abuse addictive substances and don't move enough), it's very difficult to be with a person, day to day, whose lifestyle is very different from yours. If your idea of a great Saturday afternoon is a long walk followed by a stirfry washed down with matcha green tea, while they would rather sit with a share sized bag of doritos, watching films, then eat a whole takeaway portion of chicken fried rice and spare ribs, washed down with a four pack of Carling, then you're not going to find much you enjoy doing together.

The "healthiest" person I've ever known literally dropped dead. Just like that.

Personally I think I'd find being with someone who was so obsessed with their (and my) health a bit boring and restrictive.

Flexitarian = omnivore. You know, how we're supposed to eat.

I'm slightly sick of everything needing a 'special' label and also having my food peered at followed by a 'I didn't know you were vegetarian' comment because I'm seen eating vegetable and paneer curry one day and hummus, falafels and salad the next.

YANBU at the dating stage to rule out a potential relationship due to that person's unhealthy lifestyle, you can use whatever criteria you like when choosing a partner

YABU to think that only 'unhealthy' people are afflicted by poor health and disease though. You can lower the risk but you can't remove it entirely.

I used to be a health conscious person who ate well and exercised, but then I had a back injury and developed fibromyalgia, most days just making something resembling a meal for my kids is beyond me. I’ve gained weight due to an inability to exercise and not eating as well as I did.
All that said, I get what you’re saying OP. You want to try and avoid losing someone else which I think is understandable, but my story shows that even the most health conscious people can get sick and for your own sake you need to address your underlying anxiety around illness.

Gosh yes Barbara - that's exactly it isn't it? Flexitarian is such a nonsense label - it basically describes a totally non-remarkable diet of - errr - anything and/or everything.
People do love a little label don't they? I suppose they like to feel part of some exclusive little club?

I wouldn't go out with a drug user or an alcoholic.But social drinking and general mixed diet including enjoying takeaways etc wouldn't bother me. I'm not keen on smoking, and would prefer not, but I'm sure if it would be a deal breaker if all else was brilliant.

I also wouldn't go out with a health/fitness freak, a vegan, or someone obsessed with healthy eating, as I find those traits pretty unattractive. In fact I find anyone who's obsessive and extreme about pretty much anything unattractive.

I'm most happy with someone who basically sits in the very broad range of pretty average and normal.

You sound a little extreme to me, but date who you like.

Btw, you're an 'omnivore'

Well, I wouldn't date a smoker, an alcoholic, or a druggie, no.

But otherwise if I had a good time with someone, why not? If they 'unhealthy lifestyle' themselves into illness, it's not a hardship on me as I'm not playing nursemaid to them. I mean, I'm married and of course I'd care for DH, we've been married over 30 years! But if I were to be single again I'd date men for 'fun', regardless of their lifestyle. And if they became ill or disabled for any reason (healthy people also become ill or disabled) I will still be a friend, but not a carer. And I'd expect them to feel the same way about me!

I can see worrying about this as a younger person who wants to build a life with someone, but not if you are a (probably older) person who has already had that life and is simply looking for companionship.

Gosh yes Barbara - that's exactly it isn't it? Flexitarian is such a nonsense label - it basically describes a totally non-remarkable diet of - errr - anything and/or everything

Actually, given the amount of British people who can’t possible think of making a meal without meat, flexitarian indicates a different kind of ‘mainly’ plant based eating habits which is not the norm for the majority in this country.

Do you ask for a stool sample before you date someone? It sounds like you have quite a cold approach to choosing partners tbh - what's wrong with just going with someone whose company you enjoy, whether they like crisps or not?

I don't know. We all have our preferences, don't we? I'd find smoking and heavy drinking, or drug-taking, hugely off-putting, so I'd avoid someone with those habits. I wouldn't find a health-obsessive much more appealing, though; likewise anyone who felt it was their place to judge me over my own choices.

Some of the best people - the funniest, kindest, most interesting, most interested, most creative - I've known have been 'unhealthy'

I can see where you’re coming from. It’s a ‘value’, just like any other. We all have our own values/standards/priorities. I wouldn’t want to be with a drug user, even an occasional user of soft drugs. I don’t judge other people for not holding that value. It’s just mine.
It can be difficult though when someone changes over time. I’ve been with dh for 21 years and during that time he had very, very gradually become seriously overweight. He was stressed and he was drinking a seriously unhealthy amount but only at home and without any unpleasant drunken behaviour to complain about. I still loved him, I still found him attractive but I was extremely worried about him. It reached the point where if I couldn’t find him, I would genuinely worry that he’d had a heart attack or a stroke. I think it’s true that if I’d seen that level of eating & drinking regularly while dating, I might have had second thoughts about the long term future - I don’t know.
A routine health check at the end of last summer showed he had high blood pressure and he has, fortunately, responded to that by taking his health really seriously and has lost more than 3 stone and is exercising regularly and drinking minimally.
Interestingly, he was not keen on my suggestion that I might try Veganuary and I know that’s because he was worried at might take to it and continue. So much of our leisure and holiday time is about cooking, restaurants, food and wine that I think it’s also a ‘value’ of his that we retain that shared interest.

BirthdayCakes I agree with you strongly on that!