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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being mean not to pay?

62 replies

OldGrinch · 17/01/2019 19:38

My DC both have birthdays at end of January, they are teenagers, it's been a horrendous couple of months for finances with just about everything going wrong and Christmas etc. Anyway we agreed with the DC that to celebrate their birthdays we would keep things fairly low key and go out for a family meal at a restaurant they like, both happy with this arrangement. They will obviously get presents and everything as well.My eldest DC has now said that on the birthday weekend she wants to invite a couple of friends over to sleep (birthday is on the Saturday, family meal out the day after). I have no problem with the friends sleeping over, but DD Is now saying they are going to go for a Nandos and see a film. I have said to DD that if she wants to do this friends need to pay their own way as can't afford to pay for all 3 of them to go movies and Nandos and will be paying for the family restaurant meal the day after which is the " official" birthday event. DD says I am being an old meanie and we should cover costs for friends as well as part of her birthday celebration. I don't want to be parting with the best part of an extra £100 on top of everything else am paying out for the birthdays. AIBU?

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 17/01/2019 19:40

Yanbu at all. If she wants that trip out with her mates then she can arrange it and they can all pay their own.

Simonsaysitschristmas · 17/01/2019 19:40

How old is DD?

doxxed · 17/01/2019 19:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

DoubleNegativePanda · 17/01/2019 19:41

I would tell my 17y/o dd that I simply can't afford it. She's very clued into my budget though. I might try to meet halfway if I could and tell her she can invite one friend, and I'd pay for that. Only if I actually could manage it though.

HappyGirl86 · 17/01/2019 19:41

I'd pay for DD but expect the friends to pay for themselves, or their parents to pay for them! It's not like they are 6 and you have offered to take other children as a birthday party.
I guess you could send them with some sweets or something as a gesture.

Original poster
OldGrinch · 17/01/2019 19:42

She is 15 friends same age.

OP posts:
BrightStarrySky · 17/01/2019 19:43

I don’t think you’re being mean.

snackarella · 17/01/2019 19:44

Yanbu. Some kids don't even get a meal out with family. I think you should stand firm

MIdgebabe · 17/01/2019 19:44

Or instead of her presents

Ragwort · 17/01/2019 19:45

My DS is a teenager & the understanding is that all the teens pay for their own meal when they go out, he hasn’t been ‘treated’ by another family since he was 12.

What is the norm amongst her peer group? And is she 13 or 17, makes a slight difference.

Or what about giving her the choice of having the family meal out OR having a contribution towards the Nando’s meal. Be prepared if she says yes to this. Grin.

Or is there a compromise whereby you could provide supermarket pizzas & snacks at home & they watch a DVD?

We have the opposite issue, DS is 18 this year & we have offered to pay for him to have a party or take all his mates out (we wouldn’t go) but he’s just not bothered Grin.

RivanQueen · 17/01/2019 19:47

YANBU your DC agreed to the original plan and now wants to have this night out as well. I'd be telling her money doesn't grow on trees and while you can afford to pay for her to go you can't also pay for her friends so they'll have to pay their own way. If she gets upset and kicks off I'd tell her to wind her neck in or I wouldn't pay for her either for being so rude and she can pay her own way.

Chunkymonkey123 · 17/01/2019 19:48

Tell her you have a budget for her birthday and are happy to pay for her friends but it would mean £100 less on presents. I think she will change her mind! Offer to get pizzas and a film in for the sleepover but anymore than that is unusual for 15 years old.

WWlOOlWW · 17/01/2019 19:48

My son and his friends are 16. On each of thier birthdays they plan an activity / food out and everyone pays for themselves.

I'd offer to pay but that would be their presant from me and they wouldn't be getting anything else. Soon change thier mind.

RivanQueen · 17/01/2019 19:48

Oops X post just saw she's 15 so probably can't pay her own way yet

Original poster
OldGrinch · 17/01/2019 19:51

Thanks for the replies it's good to get some perspective on this, as PP said it's not like they are 6 year olds or anything, and one of the friends has a part time job, I'm just worried that am being a bit mean spirited perhaps?

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 17/01/2019 19:51

She is old enough to know that money is tight.

hibbledibble · 17/01/2019 19:52

Yanbu to not pay if you can't afford it, but you should only host a party you can afford. This could be pizza from the supermarket and a dvd. It's mean to ask friends over to a party but then ask them to pay for everything.

Neverunderfed · 17/01/2019 19:53

Suggest she can do that instead of family meal but not as well as.

Romanov · 17/01/2019 19:54

Tell her you have a budget for her birthday and are happy to pay for her friends but it would mean £100 less on presents

but what if the budget is less than £100 ? we normally budget around £80/100 per person

Does she still want the family meal?

I think that if her friends are coming out, then as long as you are clear that you are not paying for them before the event that would be fine

European12345 · 17/01/2019 19:56

I think she should have the bday that she wants. Tell her she can’t have both and she can choose. I’d nlt like to drag my daughter to a lunch if she had rather prefer spending the money with her friends , she is 15 so should be allowed to have a say on her bday. You can all have a nice meal at home the day after. At the end of the day imo it’s her bday

Alexandra2018 · 17/01/2019 19:57

I'd expect other teens to pay for themselves. Film and Nando's is a lot! I'd think about paying for the cinema tickets

Original poster
OldGrinch · 17/01/2019 20:03

The problem us we can't cancel the family meal as It's my younger DC birthday as well, they are born on the same day 2 years apartGrin, younger DC is wanting to go to the restaurant and looking forward to it

OP posts:
Kintan · 17/01/2019 20:04

I think you are being mean. I bet if her birthday was in June and you hadn't just had christmas etc you would pay. It's not her fault she has a January birthday!

DrGradusAdParnassum · 17/01/2019 20:07

OP, I feel your pain (with regard to finances generally, never mind the birthday). YANBU. My 15 yo would do the same, and it would be equally unaffordable.

I agree with those who have said your DD should choose one or the other. I imagine you'd rather she would choose the family meal, but if she's 15 she might not. At least, though, she can't say you're a horrible old meanie.

My DD's refrain is that "everyone else" gets to have endless expensive birthday celebrations (it's true, from what I have seen). However, we can't afford this. That's just the way it is, though she and I fall out about it (this also encompasses "it's not fair that all my friends have parents who pay for them to go to Nando's for lunch every Saturday" - which appears to be true, unfortunately). Her older brothers are less bothered, thank goodness.

DrGradusAdParnassum · 17/01/2019 20:08

@Kintan, as it happens, my DC all have summer birthdays. This doesn't make it any more affordable, believe it or not.