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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being mean not to pay?

62 replies

OldGrinch · 17/01/2019 19:38

My DC both have birthdays at end of January, they are teenagers, it's been a horrendous couple of months for finances with just about everything going wrong and Christmas etc. Anyway we agreed with the DC that to celebrate their birthdays we would keep things fairly low key and go out for a family meal at a restaurant they like, both happy with this arrangement. They will obviously get presents and everything as well.My eldest DC has now said that on the birthday weekend she wants to invite a couple of friends over to sleep (birthday is on the Saturday, family meal out the day after). I have no problem with the friends sleeping over, but DD Is now saying they are going to go for a Nandos and see a film. I have said to DD that if she wants to do this friends need to pay their own way as can't afford to pay for all 3 of them to go movies and Nandos and will be paying for the family restaurant meal the day after which is the " official" birthday event. DD says I am being an old meanie and we should cover costs for friends as well as part of her birthday celebration. I don't want to be parting with the best part of an extra £100 on top of everything else am paying out for the birthdays. AIBU?

OP posts:

ketteringtownfc · 17/01/2019 20:11

Sounds like a fairly normal plan - meet up with friends which they all pay for and a family meal the following day. I'm in my 20s and still do this now for my birthday (though luckily I can treat my parents now!)

Just say the original plan still stands, and if she wants to go out with her friends she needs to pay (from pocket money/Xmas money if needs be). 15 is old enough to understand how to live within your means, especially after Christmas. I would provide dinner and breakfast but that's it.

mayathebeealldaylong · 17/01/2019 20:18

Unless you've always done a family meal and no parties it seems very unfair to dictate to her what her birthday is.
People stating because she isn't 6 that her friends can pay is added pressure on your dd on her bday. Some may not have it, so your dd can't have them and again not fair.
My dc bday is the 8th and he had waited until tomorrow for his bday treat and understands.
Can you not explain she will have to wait. Next month and then do the same for the other one.
It all good saying she is older, but it's her bday and at that age they are growing up so fast.
It was unreasonable for her to pre tell people, but it would be even more making her tell people they now have to pay.

QueenieIsLost · 17/01/2019 20:23

Unless you've always done a family meal and no parties it seems very unfair to dictate to her what her birthday is
That’s not unfair to ‘dictate’ what her birthday is.
That’s called
1- having no money to do what you normally do
2- having to stick to the agreement you made with someone else (the idea of the meal at a restaurant on their bday was agreed with her parents and siblings). If she had any issue with the restaurant and wanted the sleep over with Nando’s, she had to say that BEFORE (if that was possible finance wise)

She is plenty old enough to know (or learn!) that’s sometimes you can’t get all the stuff you want.

jessstan2 · 17/01/2019 20:25

If your husband thinks you are a 'meanie', he can pay for them!

Neverunderfed · 17/01/2019 20:27

Could you offer a contribution?

Stompythedinosaur · 17/01/2019 20:30

How much had you budgeted for the family meal co-celebration? Could you pay part of the budget towards her going to Nandos with a couple of friends and do something smaller for your other dc?

I think most 17yos would opt to celebrate with friends the, and it seems a bit mean that she doesn't get a choice because it is what the younger dc wants (I'm guessing the family meal is partially for your benefit too). Do you know which part your younger dc is looking forward to? If it is the get together you could do something at home, or if it's the food then go with just a few people?

Having said that, if there isn't money, then there isn't money.

Sparkletastic · 17/01/2019 20:30

The family meal is hardly a treat for either DD. Ditch that. Let eldest do the Nando's thing with friends and do something just for youngest.

Kintan · 17/01/2019 20:33

DrGradusAdParnassum the OP specifically says that money is tight at the moment because of Christmas amongst other things - so I presumed that this had some bearing on her willingness or not to pay, else why mention it?

QueenieIsLost · 17/01/2019 20:36

The family meal is hardly a treat for either DD. Ditch that. Let eldest do the Nando's thing with friends and do something just for youngest.

But the older dd AGREED on the meal as a family and the youngest dd is LOKING FORWARD to it.
Why should the younger dd change her plans and nit have what she wants because the older dd ALSO wants to do something else???
And who are you to say that it’s not a treat for the younger dd when the OP has clearly stated she is looking forward to it

Iamgoingslightlymad · 17/01/2019 20:36

Have you got any Tesco vouchers you can use for Cineworld tickets? Or perhaps yours or dps work have work offers to get cheaper cinema tickets?

Sometimes you can get money off vouchers for nandos or if you have a Halifax or Lloyds bank account they sometimes do cashback offers for nandos

HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 20:37

I think that at 15 birthday celebrations should still be paid for!

Most parents give their 15 year old spending money but not meal out and cinema money - if invited for a ‘birthday weekend’ celebration it puts unfair pressure on other families who may be struggling even worse than you! It also risks a friend turning up unprepared and not having cash to join in!

In your situation I would offer to leave the family meal and instead pay for DD and friends- if DD says no then that’s her choice!

mayathebeealldaylong · 17/01/2019 20:38

@QueenieIsLost calm down!
I don't think you read what I wrote. I said the dd was wrong for offering before talking to the Op. also I said maybe she could offer to do I next month and thirdly this is her daughter and I'm guessing the fact the op has started a thread is because she wants to do what best for her!!!
I'm sending you love because you are too rude!!!

HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 20:39

To me the ‘paying for birthdays’ cut off is 16 as emoloyers who hire under 16’s are RARE so when you ‘make them pay’ you’re actually ‘making their parents pay’.

Alpacanorange · 17/01/2019 20:40

I think it depends how you word it. Or how she words it. Birthday sleep over, free. No problem.
Meal and cinema the kids parents should pay, unless you can afford and offer, parents should not be expecting you to. I have 3 teens and wouldn’t dream of expecting the birthday person’s parents to pay for everything.

NowYouHaveDoneIt · 17/01/2019 20:42

I' take the younger dd for the meal and allow a friend to cone instead of older dd then pay for dd to eat out but not pay for all the friends as there will be a few. Otherwise Nandos with both dds and a friend each.

CIT80 · 17/01/2019 20:42

Could you compromise and pay for the cinema and they pay for their own meal out ? That’s generally what happens with my 15 year old and his friends - and let them know if they don’t want to do that you will pop a pizza and garlic bread in for them when they get back.

Rudgie47 · 17/01/2019 20:43

I think she should pay for herself for Nandos and the Cinema and the friends should pay their own way as well. When I was that age friends parents never ever paid for me. Let her pay out of her Xmas and birthday money, that's what its there for.
Just tell her you cant afford all that, shes old enough to understand.

DrGradusAdParnassum · 17/01/2019 20:50

I can't speak for the OP, @Kintan, but if I were her, I would have mentioned Christmas because it throws financial problems into a particularly acute light. It is hard for anyone to understand unless they have had them.

Disclaimer: when I was married, I would not have noticed the expense. I am now divorced because XH abused our DC. I now have less money than I had when I was a student, so I do see it from both sides.

Leeds2 · 17/01/2019 20:52

I would ask her if she wants the money which you would've spent on presents to go, instead, on the trip with friends. So you don't buy her any presents, or take them back if you have already done so. See what she says.
As long as she makes it clear to friends before they get there that they will be paying for themselves, I think it is perfectly fine to ask them to pay. Not so if they were expecting a freebie.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/01/2019 20:52

Yanbu.

BlimeyCalmDown · 17/01/2019 20:52

She is old enough to understand if you can't afford it and presumably the younger one will then want the same if the older one gets it. How about pizza delivery and downloading movies, or if you can afford it cinema then pizza takeaway at home, if you can't afford that then be honest.

TheBigBangRocks · 17/01/2019 20:55

At 15, she wants to do something fun with her friends on her birthday. I'd have let them pick their own events not combined them.

Original poster

OldGrinch · 17/01/2019 20:59

The restaurant for the family meal is the DCs favourite and they both like going there but we only go on special occasions as it's pricey, appreciate that kids are all under 16 so it's making parents pay over odds. I had budgeted for birthdays, I know they can't help being born in January but have had a couple of unexpected big bills included car spectacularly failing MOT . Do you think it would be OK to say I will pay for cinema entry for them and offer pizza at home but if they want Nandos as well then they need to sort that out themselves?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 17/01/2019 21:02

That sounds like a good compromise.

ZenNudist · 17/01/2019 21:03

Well if your paying for 3 of elder dd friends you are being unfair not to do same for younger dd. Where will it stop?

By 15 i was going out for weekend and birthday meals with friends where i would fund myself and friends either had a job or had generous parents. There was never any big time Charlie expectation that we would pay for others. We acted like most adults do now. In fact often when I go out for a birthday meal with friends then my friends will pay for me. Or i treat friends on their birthdays.

Your eldest is at that difficult age where she navigates from being a child to being an adult. It seems like your younger DD is being more grown up about it.

I'd suggest she joins you at the family meal and you pay for her (only) if you can afford it to go out for Nando's and cinema. It would not be excessively mean to expect her to fund her own birthday celebration either out of birthday money or out of Christmas money or other savings.

Like other people say she needs to learn to live within her means. 15 is also a very difficult age for peer pressure and feeling like you need to do the same as other people.

I remember being very disappointed when we went on a school trip to London and other people took £20 spends and my parents couldn't give me that much. unfortunately rather than try and explain to me about budgets and affording things they were just horrible and shouted at me.

Hopefully you will be able to explain to your DD about family budgets and make her realise its not meanness its necessary.

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