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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not tell my oh that I've flexed my hours?

104 replies

Kemer2018 · 17/01/2019 19:16

I'm fortunate that my boss has agreed condensing my pt hours from 4 into 3 days.
So I'll work Tue to Thur and have Monday and Friday off. Obviously, this will affect my annual leave so HR have been advised.
But when i told mr. I was considering changing days, he said "oh good, you can have my dinner on the table and do x y z on the Mondays if it is agreed".
I don't want to be told what to do, so I'm not telling him it's been agreed as of now.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Claudia1980 · 17/01/2019 20:08

Why are you married to a lazy take the piss guy? He sounds awful. I’d just stop doing anything around the house and see what happens

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 17/01/2019 20:09

I would think that if one partner is working full time and the other is part time, the part time one would naturally take on more of the chores, which would possibly include cooking dinner if they're at home? Leaves the weekend free of housework etc. That's how we work it anyway.

Also if a man posted on here about lying to his wife and then being annoyed that she'd suggested he could do some chores/cook dinner while she's working I'm pretty sure he'd get lynched Grin

Dorsetdays · 17/01/2019 20:17

Crikey...must be just me then that finds it really odd for the partner who works 3 days per week outside the home to not pick up more at home when the other partner works 5 longer days outside the home Confused

Is your DC going to twice weekly hospital appointments that take all day each time?

If not, in my opinion you would be unreasonable to a) lie to your partner and b) not find 20 minutes to stick something in the oven on those days for your family meal because I’m assuming you will need to cook for yourself and your DC anyway??

RedSkyLastNight · 17/01/2019 20:17

If one partner is out at work from 8 to 6.30 and the other has a day off, it would be pretty churlish to make the person at work start cooking when they got in. Unless OP is about to dripfeed they have 1 year old triplets.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 17/01/2019 20:21

Why on earth are you together? You can’t be honest with him, he obviously isn’t pulling his weight as a husband, father or even housemate and he sounds like a cheeky fucker to boot. Why are you wasting your life like this?

CatnissEverdene · 17/01/2019 20:26

Why can't you tell him that you won't be spending your days off doing what he wants?

Are you afraid of his reaction?

Gwenhwyfar · 17/01/2019 20:29

"I would think that if one partner is working full time and the other is part time, the part time one would naturally take on more of the chores"

She does do more chores. What her DH is asking is for her to do even more again because she's changed, BUT NOT REDUCED, her working hours. She has no more free time than before, they're just at a different time.

rwalker · 17/01/2019 20:33

imagine if someone posted dh at home all day I'm out of the house 10 1/2 hours working have to come home and start making tea.

Pachyderm1 · 17/01/2019 20:34

He’s a cheeky arsehole but honestly I think if you have to have this kind of deception it’s not great news for your marriage.

Soontobe60 · 17/01/2019 20:35

I'm reducing my days at Easter, from 5 to 3 days. 1 day to look after DGs, 1 day for myself. Me and my DH usually do the chores on Saturdays. I think it's only fair that I take on more of the chores then, as I won't be in work as long as him. I plan to do the laundry and supermarket shop on my day off rather than on Saturday.
Not telling your oh about the change is probably days is the way of madness. I'd be furious if my oh did this to me! I also think that to not want to do more of the chores is pretty poor to. I'm doing it for a better work life balance and would prefer to have more time with my DH at the weekends when he isn't working.

Maryann1975 · 17/01/2019 20:41

Do you generally share the household stuff? I don’t think it’s unreasonablefor him to expect dinner to be cooked when he gets in from work on a Monday. BUT I think he is highly unreasonable if he doesn’t already share the load and I would expect that if he is home first on another night, that he has already put the tea on, emptied the washing machine and tidied the breakfast dishes away. If he wasn’t prepared to do that, he wouldn’t be getting tea made when he gets in on a Monday.

Dh has his jobs and I have mine and they generally work out fairly (based on the fact he does more hours than me). If he started demanding I take on more of the household stuff he’d be getting no tea when it’s my turn to cook.

GloryforGloves · 17/01/2019 20:42

Soontobe60 - yes, it is fair for you as you are reducing your hours. OP is still doing the same amount of hours, just reorganising them.

I’m assuming that OP already cooks every week night and she’s said she does 6 nights cooking and said she picks up household chores on a Friday. It’s not unreasonable for her to want a day off. It WBU to not tell him though - you just need to be very clear (and if he wants to push the point start drawing up a list of his household and admin expectations Mon - Fri).

Ifangyow · 17/01/2019 20:45

I don't think it's about who does what and when, more the OPs partner dropping his expectations on her. She's his partner, not his housekeeper.

CauliflowerBalti · 17/01/2019 20:48

My dh is going down to part time hours so he can do MORE to support me/the household. I kinda feel that if you’ve had all day doing what you want, then it’s a nice, living thing to do to prepare the evening meal.

However. When we first got together he was NOT great at dividing the domestic labour and taking his share, so we did have to have discussions (arguments) before he understood how unreasonable he was being at the time. It’s more equal now.

I think you need to sit down and readdress everything. Who does what, and when. So it’s fair and you don’t resent him as much. Resentment isn’t awesome in a marriage.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/01/2019 20:48

Honestly from what you have written this goes way further.

No I'm paying shopping, child clothes, outings, school dinners, whatever else and I do all the child stuff and house stuff. He's never expressed an interest in child stuff and spends most family time on his screen.
i cook dinner 6 days out of 7

In a fair, honest, caring relationship YWBU not tell him but from what you write (if I have understood correctly) you don’t have that with your D(?)H

You do all child related care and finance all child related expenses and already do almost all cooking.
If he doing household cleaning and admin?

It just sounds like your relationship is dead on the rocks

CauliflowerBalti · 17/01/2019 20:48

*loving, not living

cuppycakey · 17/01/2019 21:01

I don't understand why you can't tell him and just say you won't be doing stuff for him on your day off.

Why does he do so little to support/engage in family life? Are you happy with this?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/01/2019 21:03

Doesn't compressing hours mean same hours of work over fewer days? In which case, you shouldn't have to take on more house stuff just because you are physically in the house, because you haven't reduced your work hours, only changed how you complete them.
Also, it's not for your partner to dictate what you do and when. If you are pulling your weight at home and are fair, nothing else is his concern.

NotTheQueen · 17/01/2019 21:05

Part of me can sympathise as my role allows me to build up hours (TOIL), and often when my DH finds I’m taking a day in credit he finds ‘urgent’ things that need doing... like returning things he’s brought or collecting other things he’s purchased. But aside from one day (when we’d had an epic argument), I’ve always told him. Usually I’m using the days for the good of us collectively... much like he gets a bonus (and I don’t), which we collectively decide what to use it on.

BikeRunSki · 17/01/2019 21:11

So, he’ll be compressing his hours to have your dinner on the table when you get in the rest of the week?

HSMMaCM · 17/01/2019 21:18

You cook Monday and Friday and he cooks Tue-Thu when you're working long days?

flissypix · 17/01/2019 21:25

My dh is part time and I work 5 days since he’s been Pt he’s picked up a lot more house stuff and cooking which has meant I can go to the gym after work. He goes in the morning after the school run. I don’t dictate what I want him to do but I do remind him about things that need to be done I probably cook twice a week. He does the lions share of everything at home. I love it as does he. It’s only a temporary arrangement but if we could manage financially we would keep it that way. When I was pt I did the lions share of the housework but we shared the cooking and errand running because the children were at home full time.

I would be massively annoyed if my dh was off 2 days and I was doing much of the day to day stuff I would feel like it was a total piss take honestly.

Alpacanorange · 17/01/2019 21:29

Just tell him, lies are not good.
If, you have enough time it is not unreasonable for you to prepare his dinner, surely you cook for your children anyway.
I find it odd that you do all child related activities and he does none. Ask him if you are the nanny?
If yes, he organises his own shit (including meals). If in fact he is the joint parent, he fucking well gets involved in their upbringing. That is a partnership that may, time permitting earn him a cooked meal after work.

Vivino · 17/01/2019 21:31

What is with this lack of reading comprehension? OP has already said she does all the cleaning on Fridays. She can't do more, she's already doing all of it!

The only thing she could do more of is cooking dinner on Mondays but given her husband only cooks once a week as it is, why should she? It baffles me why some people on MN act like making dinner having been at work for normal hours is some impossible Everest of a task (for men). How in god's name do you think single men manage? Do they come home from work and just lie, depleted and listless on the floor, incapable of making some pasta? He doesn't do anything around the house, he can contribute to making food he will eat.

Crossfitgirl · 17/01/2019 21:33

Just tell him the truth, lying will only lead to trust and relationship issues. Tell him what your plans are regarding your new hours and just be clear that his expectations will not be met if he's expecting you to pick up more stuff at home. You are still working the same hours, so the housework should be shared out the same as it usually is, or however you are both happy with it.

If he moans, just change your hours back and get HIM to take time off work to take your DC to appts.