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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her to sod off?

81 replies

Thepinkyponk · 17/01/2019 14:27

Member of my family isn't very good with technology (but cant be bothered to learn how to do things themselves) so they regularly ask me to do it all for them.

Example: looking up telephone numbers and email addresses for companies online which would take them 10 seconds to do, setting up a new phone, showing them how to install apps, printing photographs at kiosks or other simple tasks which regularly crop up on a weekly basis.

I'm 6 months pregnant, have painful SPD so struggle to walk very far at the moment which they know. I also have a toddler at home.

I've been asked to meet them in town which is 30 minute bus ride away, drag DS out in the cold needlessly to print some pictures off their phone in boots because apparently it's easier to get me to do it than ask for help in store.

I haven't responded yet.

AIBU to think this is pure cheek and tell them to sod off.

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 17/01/2019 15:02

YANBU. I'd reply saying 'can't make it but since you're there could you pick me up xyz and drop it off?Thanks.'

Every time she tries to give you a job give her one back.

Original poster
Thepinkyponk · 17/01/2019 15:06

Funnily enough she signed up to computer classes at her local library but binned it off after the first go because she said she "couldn't get the hang of it"

It's very uncharacteristic of me to get annoyed with her (at least outwardly) but I had to stop myself sending a literal 'sod off' text today as I'm uncomfortable and grumpy, so I posted here instead.

My DM isn't very tech savvy either but she just gets on with it and picks it up as she goes along, or asks for help in store.

The aunt is just lazy Hmm

OP posts:
FridgeFullOfChocolate · 17/01/2019 15:06

My parents are a bit like this, but they do a lot for us helping us with childcare so it’s a 2 way street in our case, they mainly ask when we are there so it’s no trouble.

In your circumstances I’d just say no in the most polite way possible. The more you do this the more they will just carry on asking and expecting and never learn for themselves!

AnotherShirtRuined · 17/01/2019 15:07

Excellent approach RuggerHug.

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 15:09

well - the trouble is that your past actions have been that you're happy to help her out but now you've got better things to do, so have ditched helping her out.

She's in the wrong but you are in the wrong to simply expect her to change just because you have. Unless you've clearly said, 'Aunty Jean, I'm happy to do this at the moment, but you know I'm not going to be able to do this for ever, right? You need to sort this out for yourself.'

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/01/2019 15:12

Did you reply, OP?

eggsandwich · 17/01/2019 15:12

I’d say “I will add you onto my to do list but I will warn you its very long so it would be advisable to seek help else where sorry.”
If she says “oh but it won’t take you long” just say “I afraid there’s too many people in front of you wanting a piece of me and at some point I will need to factor giving birth onto my list so no can do”

wineandroses1 · 17/01/2019 15:12

I like Greenfingers response as it sets the tone for the future (as opposed to it just being today that you can't help her). And add on RuggerHugs for good measure! Smile

gamerchick · 17/01/2019 15:15

would reply 'really sorry but I can't today, I'm sure the staff in store will help but while you are in boots can you pick up x, y and z for me and drop them around as my spd is very painful'

I really like this, turn it around so she's doing stuff for you.

I really hope you said no OP. Untill you say no she'll never sort herself out.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 17/01/2019 15:15

I don't think you need to tell her to sod off, just a firm "sorry - busy today" or "no, can't make it" will do fine.

But I like RuggerHug's suggestion the best. If the aunt helps you out, it can be a thank you for the next time, and if she doesn't then you've got another reason to keep saying no!

longwayoff · 17/01/2019 15:17

Thats why Boots have staff that they pay to be there. Put the kettle on and dont reply. Outrageous.

Raspberry10 · 17/01/2019 15:20

No, they have to grow up and ask for help at Boots. You’ll be in so much pain doing that trip. I recently drew my line in the sand with a relative, who wanted me to print a 70 page booklet for a house phone (!), because their printer was too much of a faff Hmm

Ragwort · 17/01/2019 15:20

(Thought you were talking about me for a minute Blush - I am pretty useless with technology). But even I know how to ask for help in phone/photo shops.

Of course you shouldn't go, send a breezy reply ,'no, can't help you but the guys in Boots will know how to do it for you'.

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 15:21

I must say I wouldn't fancy relying for help from the staff in my local Boots, they are a right grumpy lot and would no more help that fly in the air.

CantWaitToRetire · 17/01/2019 15:24

I assume your aunt doesn't have any DC of her own that she can ask which is why she calls on you OP?

Can you ask your mum or dad (whoever is the sibling to this aunt) to have a word with her to tell her to stop keep asking for your help as it's not always easy or convenient if you're dealing with a toddler and pregnancy related health issues?

IsItThatTimeAgain · 17/01/2019 15:26

Tell her to hire a PA because you're retiring from the job.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/01/2019 15:29

I don't know if you've replied yet OP - but if you haven't, I'd definitely go with the suggestion made by @GreenFingersWouldbehandy - it's polite and she really can't object. Really. Keep repeating the same message "I don't have time to do this now anymore for you Auntie X. You'll have to ask someone in Boots/Debenhams/Typing4U/wherever to help you now."
Don't say sorry. Your time is just as valuable as hers. In fact I'd dare to say she thinks very little of your time (as she asks you to do lots of straightforward things she should and could manage to do herself) as she values her own time more.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/01/2019 15:31

Look up the going rates for VAs and charge her for your services.

She could be the start of a lucrative home based career.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtual_assistant_(occupation)

GrandmaJane · 17/01/2019 15:32

Just say no.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 17/01/2019 15:40

Regardless of what you reply to her today, you need to make it clear that going forward you simply won’t be available to dedicate the time to doing these tasks for her anymore.

She sounds very self-involved if she thinks she’s making a reasonable request.

WhiteCaribou · 17/01/2019 15:44

If you're going to message her (assuming you haven't already) I wouldn't put anything about "can't help you today " because that implies you'll be happy to help another day. With SPD, one child and one on the way she needs to get used to the idea that you probably won't be helping her any day.

Original poster
Thepinkyponk · 17/01/2019 15:47

I replied with

"I'm resting up today, hips are quite painful but they can help you to do it in store if you ask"

She asked what about tomorrow.

I said I have no plans to go into town so she's better off asking an assistant in the shop.

I then got a blunt response saying she "won't bother me again, then"

I hope she bloody doesn't.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 17/01/2019 15:48

apparently it's easier to get me to do it than ask for help in store.

Yes, it is. But it's hugely inconvenient for you.

She's being massively selfish, and not even considering your side of things. I wouldn't feel bad in sending a straight-forward reply.

tracymars · 17/01/2019 15:48

Just tell them youre not well enough to trek all the way into town at the moment. There is no reason stronger than the truth. Harder to argue with you if they know it will cause you pain

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 15:49

But she will, because you are still not being clear with her.