to be annoyed someone suggested my child might be autistic/ADHD

[LeenaMarie]

My son is 3 months old. I attended a parent baby class for the first time this week and my son was the only one who didn't really engage at all. He just wanted to look around and cried every time I faced him away from me. The woman next to me tried to talk to him but he made a whiney noise and just nussled in to me.

After the class, she made a point of coming to talk to me telling me that her son was exactly the same and that he was assessed for autism and ADHD. That I should keep an eye out because my son is showing signs. Then went on to tell me how rewarding it is raising a child with autism.

My sister is autistic and I know a lot about it. It's not that black and white and it's a huge spectrum. My sisters experience wasn't great and it really wasn't rewarding for my mum. It nearly broke her.

AIBU to think that my son is only 3 months old and that his behaviour is entirely normal? And to also think this lady was quite rude regardless of her intentions?

I'm a first time mum and whilst I will love my son through thick or thin regardless of whatever obstacles he faces, it wasn't nice to have someone tell me my son's behaviour made him seem like he has autism or ADHD.

He's only 12 weeks old. Is it even possible to tell?

Why would you be offended by that? There's nothing wrong with having autism or ADHD.

YANBU. This is literally the first thing that seems to be suggested EVERY time on here when someone has issues with their kids. It is literalky like people just cannot wait to whack a label on!?

Sounds like totally normal behaviour and she sounds inappropriate to say the least!

That said, you can't tell, although in hindsight you can notice signs.

I actually suspect the same thing about a friends dc. He's 3 so a lot older and more signs. I wouldn't dream of saying anything to her. If he does then school or hv or someone will pick up on it.

She sounds bonkers! If he was 3 years and she saw him a lot then she may have a place to mention it (even then though probably not)

But at 3 months?? Madness

You can't really tell at 3 months old, so I wouldn't pay any attention. She is probably just trying to be helpful (clearly she should have just stayed quiet as it was inappropriate).

Yabu in the sense it sounds like you might avoid a diagnosis of autism for your child. A diagnosis can really help if autism is in the picture.
Yanbu in the sense that woman was inappropriate but it sounds like she was just trying to help.
Could you get some counselling to work through your feelings about your sister so it doesnt interfere with your parenting?

@SelinaKyle9 I know there isn't. I'm not offended in the slightest. I just thought it was rude that she was assessing my son's behaviour and made perfectly normal things (IMO) out to be autism or ADHD. The fact she thought she knew my son well enough after 45 minutes to do that is nuts if you ask me.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction counselling? What on earth for?

I would NEVER avoid a diagnosis of autism. My sister missed out on a huge amount of help because of this and I would be devastated if the same happened to my son.

Three months old! There’s nothing wrong with being on the spectrum (I am) but some people just love to label everyone. 3 months old in a strange environment, of course he might be a bit frightened and clingy!

I don’t think people understand how daunting and upsetting it can be to throw around diagnoses without being asked/very little knowledge of the person they’re diagnosing. Oh, and they aren’t doctors or Ed psychs so they’re just guessing.

To answer your second question - you normally start being able to tell when they are a toddler. At 3 months old, this is not an issue.

Personally, it irks me when people think they have some sort of right to talk to/touch/play with somebody else's baby and gets funny when the baby doesn't want to do this.

It was definitely inappropriate to mention it.

Do you think she's read about the study mentioned here and decided that means all babies who ever show less eye contact than she thinks is normal must have an ASC?

She probably had good intentions but we all know what the road to hell is paved with, so I think YANBU, she was rude, she should realise that she is not helping people despite a probable desire to do just that, and that it really is not possible to diagnose ASC/ ADHD or similar in a baby of his age. To the best of my knowledge, 2 years is the very earliest age to make a reliable diagnosis and even that will be too young for most.

Surely you wouldn't be able to tell at 3 months old? I've never heard of a diagnosis that early - but willing to be corrected if anyone has experience of a baby showing signs that young?

@Suziepoozie it's also frustrating that people think that it's that simple. You can't just meet a child for 45 minutes and decide upon a diagnosis based on a very small snapshot. It's not as easy as that.

@pandechocolate exactly! Most people just laugh but she seemed annoyed by it.

@icannotremember quite possibly. I don't know why it's irritated me so much. I don't know why people can't just let babies be babies without having to constantly analyse.

@almutasakieun I didn't think so! My son was a premie so he's a bit behind with his development anyway.

Maybe she overstepped the boundaries a bit, but it seems like she was trying to do a nice thing. She saw something that made her think your child might have autism and was trying to give you a heads up and reassure you that raising a child with autism was not a bad thing but a rewarding experience.

Yes, she is probably a bit bonkers to think you can identify autism that young, but she meant well.

@NotDavidTennant I think you're right and she didn't seem like she had any bad intentions. I can just imagine that she probably says it to everyone whose baby doesn't look her directly in the eye for more than 2 seconds.

My four month old has been going to a certain baby group/class since he was three weeks old. Despite smiling/laughing/cooing early, it took until very recently for him to be smiley and ‘talkative’ at baby group. It’s entirely normal for a baby to be overwhelmed (at any age!) in an unfamiliar environment!

Three months old is FAR too early for any signs of autism to be picked up and tbh I’d think the lady a bit bonkers for suggesting otherwise. Is your baby particularly large? My boy is huge and easily as big as most of the 8/9/10 month olds at most of our baby things so sometimes I think people assume he’s a bit useless 😂

@NotCopingWithThis bless him! Mine is tiny. He's only just under 11lbs and on the 2nd centile. Still in his newborn clothes. He was quite unwell when he was born so I'm just happy he's here to be honest!

I think she was being ridiculous. That's totally normal behaviour for a three month old in a new environment.

Not to mention that she only saw him for a short period of time and you didn't ask for her advice.

Autism is diagnosed through observing a pattern of behaviour. Not a one off display of one or two symptoms.

@sunlighthouse exactly it's not that easy. My sister has autism and went 12 years without a diagnosis. The first half of her life so far was incredibly difficult. She's incredible now however. Has her own business, leads a pretty normal life and has way more money than most! Very proud of her.

3 months old? Blimey that's way too early
The woman was inappropriate, but if her own son is being assessed, it means she is completely into the issue and seeing signs everywhere because that's her current reality and she must have done loads of research.
Ignore her, in this context, it's really not malicious.