to be annoyed someone suggested my child might be autistic/ADHD

[LeenaMarie]

My son is 3 months old. I attended a parent baby class for the first time this week and my son was the only one who didn't really engage at all. He just wanted to look around and cried every time I faced him away from me. The woman next to me tried to talk to him but he made a whiney noise and just nussled in to me.

After the class, she made a point of coming to talk to me telling me that her son was exactly the same and that he was assessed for autism and ADHD. That I should keep an eye out because my son is showing signs. Then went on to tell me how rewarding it is raising a child with autism.

My sister is autistic and I know a lot about it. It's not that black and white and it's a huge spectrum. My sisters experience wasn't great and it really wasn't rewarding for my mum. It nearly broke her.

AIBU to think that my son is only 3 months old and that his behaviour is entirely normal? And to also think this lady was quite rude regardless of her intentions?

I'm a first time mum and whilst I will love my son through thick or thin regardless of whatever obstacles he faces, it wasn't nice to have someone tell me my son's behaviour made him seem like he has autism or ADHD.

oops sorry link:
www.inpp.org.uk/intervention-adults-children/more-information/reflexes/

The woman does sound quite silly but I don't think she meant any harm. However that kind of inappropriate interference is very annoying. It sounds to me like your baby wanted the reassurance of your presence and eye contact in a room full of unfamiliar people and lots of stimulation - pretty typical!! It really doesn't tell you anything about your baby, other than that he is well bonded with you. And perhaps he is the type to notice everything, so that when a lot is going on, he is noticing a lot, and so he needs your reassurance more.
I wouldn't take it personally, as the woman sounds just a bit inappropriate and should really stop going around trying to unprofessionally diagnose people's kids, she's probably done it to other people too. Somebody needs to tell her to stop!!

My daughter is autistic but I wouldn't dream about saying this to another parent. First, 12 weeks is too young. Autistic behaviours are human behaviours. Second, she wasn't with your son long and isn't an expert. Third, you didn't ask her advice. Fourth, even if she was an expert and was able to successfully diagnose, there is little if anything that you would do differently in your parenting at this stage anyway.

There is a reason most kids don't get diagnosed until they are at least 3 or 4 (and that's with professionals who are trained).

I'm not sad about my daughter's diagnosis at all now (she is wonderful) but it was a huge shock and crushing to hear at the time. I don't know why you'd do that to another parent on such flimsy evidence.

It's lovely to hear your sister is doing so well now, but I'm sorry it was a struggle pre-diagnosis. I'm sure she benefits from having a supportive family now she does know.

Children with asd will often have shown signs when they were tiny babies but those signs are very subtle and difficult to distinguish from just a NT baby who is sensitive or fussy.

I would guess the woman meant well - although it probably wasn't a very well thought out comment. Much more likely to trigger anxiety when there isn't any reliable way of knowing anything at the moment.

I would be very annoyed if this happened to me. One of my children (until they were about 3 years old) in the usual playgroup, toddler group, music with mummy group, always either dozed off or insisted on happily staying on my lap, never wandered off or participated in the group in any way. One of these groups the lady running it very seriously told me my child was 100% not normal and needed to be assessed urgently, she has been running the group for over 10 years and never seen anything like it etc etc. I was terrified and very worried (it was my first child) by this. Long story short. Child is now a teenager, laid back, easy going sort of person, doing well at school, lots of friends etc.

I have obviously no idea if your child has autism but do please ignore and just use your common sense as they get older. I worried so much at the time and am still upset at how unqualified people offer diagnosis when it is completely inappropriate. Your DS is only 3 months old, it is ridiculous.

At 3 months the baby groups can be a bit overwhelming for a lot of babies, by 4/5 months he should be a bit more ready to engage. There are several babies in each class we've been to who seem a bit too young for it and get clingy, but the ones that have now got a bit older all engage well (except for whichever baby decides to have an off week). I doubt anyone can tell anything at all about a baby from just an hour with them; if they're teething during that hour that doesn't mean they always have bright pink cheeks and someone should research rosacea. She was just being daft.

No you can’t tell at 3 months! She’s bonkers and that is unnecessarily jumping to conclusions.

I have ASD and ADHD child, and my ASD child was smiley and affectionate. Unless there are serious concerns, like being floppy, food refusal, etc, there is no assessment that could be done on kids under 2 for ASD (unless very marked)

Just enjoy your baby. If by the age of 2 he is not speaking or any other red flag signs (check on nhs) then get him assessed.

Hi OP, I agree the woman should not have said anything to you, it's not her place. What I would say is that I noticed that my newborn DS behaved differently to how my NT DD had in early babyhood. I had no clue about autism at the time, it didn't cross my mind for a second. However, I knew something was "off" for want of a better description. I just got on with it and it wasn't until his two year check that at very on the ball HV spotted it almost straight away and referred him for assessment. He was subsequently diagnosed with ASD. I have on occasion wondered about other babies I have come across as I have seen similar patterns of behaviour, but I would never ever say anything. It is not my place. I don't think you should be worrying about this at all, if anything is wrong, it'll become obvious soon enough but I am sure he's absolutely fine

WTF, he's twelve weeks old.

Yes, certain things might be indicative but not until a child is much older and it's put into a list of other very different things. My eldest is being assessed for both and she was a model baby. She was meaning well, she's obviously been through a lot and was trying to be helpful in her own way. Perhaps just avoid sitting next to her.

12 weeks old is far too young to tell whether a child has ASD or ADHD.

Especially when it’s based on one encounter with a baby.

I can see where she is coming from and why she did it.

But she shouldn't. I would have pointed out to her that these are entirely normal behaviours for babies and she might as well have said "oh my DS had feet as a baby and is autistic so better get your baby checked". She's made a correlation that in her mind was confirmed by a later diagnosis.

I would have been annoyed too, but would have pointed out to her that she was wrong so she doesn't keep doing it to people.

However I also cherish the time when I was the mum of a 'normal" baby/toddler/little boy. When I dropped him off at a club, I didn't have to say he was autistic or had ADHD, he was just "an active boy".

When DD left hospital her consultant said "take her home and enjoy her, what will be will be"

Best advice I ever got because that thing that we hoped would be nothing, turned out to be something. From about 18 months she was definitely "different", not walking or crawling, and by her diagnosis at 2 years we were living a different life. I always look back on my 12 months of "normal" feeling glad we had it.

This is literally the first thing that seems to be suggested EVERY time on here when someone has issues with their kids. It is literalky like people just cannot wait to whack a label on!?

This x 10000000