to be annoyed someone suggested my child might be autistic/ADHD

[LeenaMarie]

My son is 3 months old. I attended a parent baby class for the first time this week and my son was the only one who didn't really engage at all. He just wanted to look around and cried every time I faced him away from me. The woman next to me tried to talk to him but he made a whiney noise and just nussled in to me.

After the class, she made a point of coming to talk to me telling me that her son was exactly the same and that he was assessed for autism and ADHD. That I should keep an eye out because my son is showing signs. Then went on to tell me how rewarding it is raising a child with autism.

My sister is autistic and I know a lot about it. It's not that black and white and it's a huge spectrum. My sisters experience wasn't great and it really wasn't rewarding for my mum. It nearly broke her.

AIBU to think that my son is only 3 months old and that his behaviour is entirely normal? And to also think this lady was quite rude regardless of her intentions?

I'm a first time mum and whilst I will love my son through thick or thin regardless of whatever obstacles he faces, it wasn't nice to have someone tell me my son's behaviour made him seem like he has autism or ADHD.

I do think a lot of people have leapt onto a massive bandwagon with this and feel entitled to bandy around an instant diagnosis. I was walking in front of another school mum and her her say to her friend "xx's kid is obviously on the spectrum" (not mine, someone else's) and I thought how the hell can you just decide that? And even if it's a very informed opinion it's pretty rude to just announce it.

I first met one of my great nieces when she was about nine months old. There was no interaction at all - no eye-meeting or smiling, nothing. I even thought she might be deaf. I said nothing to her mother (my niece) of course.

When she was about a year old, it was like a light suddenly went on and her lovely personality emerged like a butterfly which goes to show how wrong I was

I wish someone had said that to me when ds was that age. I didnt get as much eye contact as the other mums did with their babies. That was one of the earliest signs.

Don’t give this woman a second thought. She doesn’t know your baby, and to be honest she sounds a bit weird herself for even bringing up the question if autism with such a young baby that she doesn’t know.

If you meet again and she brings it up, tell her your baby is gifted. (If she asks how you know, give her the eye roll and say “the same way you know he’s autistic”) Just forget herald her silly comment, in fact I’m going to say Choose your battles, this isn’t one.

When DS2 was 6, he was diagnosed with ADHD (no surprise) and ASD (big shock). A year and a half later I have (mostly) come to terms with it and genuinely even celebrate some positives. He's a bit different, but he will be fine and that okay. However I also cherish the time when I was the mum of a 'normal" baby/toddler/little boy. When I dropped him off at a club, I didn't have to say he was autistic or had ADHD, he was just "an active boy". And, for this reason, I would never ever walk up to a toddlers mum and warn of the path to come (and 3 months is just ridiculous) because I could be depriving them of those "normal baby" days and memories. I think this woman meant well, but I think its not her place to deliver that message... not least because she could be wrong... and probably is in this case.

YANBU. Three months old is way to early to tell. She probably thought she was doing you a favour but in reality she's causing you unnecessary worry. My son is ASC and we didn't see signs until at least 18 months. I'm glad as it meant I got to enjoy those early months with no stress. Picking it up any earlier wouldn't have made any difference at that age.

I can just imagine that she probably says it to everyone whose baby doesn't look her directly in the eye for more than 2 seconds.

Given her own son has autism I can imagine there is some kind of backstory where maybe she looks back and thinks that there are signs she should have spotted earlier, and feels like she is doing for others what she wishes someone had done for her.

He's only 12 weeks old. It's far too early to diagnose autism. Lots of babies only want their mums at that age. Just let him lead you in things like this, and do what he needs to feel safe. And ignore foolish people who don't know what they're talking about.

The woman was completely ridiculous. As are some of the comments on here. Try to move on and ignore.

Salina I have a child with severe autism and learning disabilities , it's not great tbh not everyone is very high functioning and a bit quirky .

And I know high functioning asd isn't a walk in the park either .

He was quite unwell when he was born so I'm just happy he's here to be honest!

DS2 was in hospital for 8 weeks when he was born and was also very tiny when he came out and still at 12 weeks. He was noticeably slow to engage socially with things - for example he didn't really give us proper 'social smiles' until he was 4 months old and certainly didn't really engage with any sort of activities until much older. He's not far off two now and has very much caught up with that side of things. I would have thought at 12 weeks a slightly rocky start would be a far more likely cause of his behaviour (not that it's unusual anyway) than ASD.

12 wks old??

Unsettled by strange surroundings & wanted to cuddle his mum?

Gosh, that is the strangest behaviour that I've ever heard of Op obviously not

@redexpat I can imagine it's really tough. I hope it didn't take you too long to get help. I still however think it's pointless even raising the issue at this age as it is impossible to tell what the cause is, and 99% of the time it's likely to be normal behaviour. If we told every mother whose baby didn't hold eye contact with a stranger or was fractious/nervous when in a new environment that they might have ADHD or ASC, we would ALL be thinking our children had either one of these. It's just madness if you ask me.

I think it's bothered me because I am so proud of how far my son has come after such a rocky start that for someone to say his behaviour needs assessing by a psychologist is a bit of a kick in the teeth.

Goodness, with those insane diagnostic powers, able to detect autism in 12-week-old babies that she's spent naff all time with, she's surely in demand in our health service?!

Perhaps it does come from a good place, but I think it's horrendously rude, especially when this was the first time you'd been to the group and the first time you'd met her.

Some people are just incredible! Please put it to the back of your mind and forget about her 'help'.

About 2 years ago, a total stranger in the m&s cafe queue asked if DS (2/3 at the time) was 'on the spectrum'.

He isn't. At all. DS was just being v silly with his 2 sisters at the time and saying the same random word over and over to them, they were laughing at him and encouraging him to say it even more. I was telling him to stop it but he was ignoring me as he was showing off to this man's little girl who was also next to us in the queue.

I found myself explaining to this man that no, DS wasn't on the spectrum - he always speaks in full sentences, he's just showing off and being silly in front of your daughter. In hindsight, I should have told him to bugger off for being so fucking rude and making assumptions based on a 60 second assessment.

I would be annoyed purely because she is probably going around terrifying lots of other mothers for no good reason. I am clued up enough to know she’s talking nonsense, so does the OP. But a lot of people wouldn’t know that and would be terrified. She’s out of order.

@BejamNostalgia exactly. If I hadn't had 18 years of experience living with someone who is on the autistic spectrum (I think I've read every book there is to read - though I know nothing about ADHD), I might've even been to see my GP about it, because at the end of the day, we all just want what is best for us and our babies.

3 months old! far too tiny for any signs to be clear at all, ignore OP.

3 months old is very early for anyone to say anything. Your DS was probably just having a shitty day or has earaches/teething pain or trapped wind fgs. You sound like a brilliant mum, don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll have a sharp eye on his development and any early indications once he's grown a bit and can interact me...,he probably can't even sit up yet.....so ridiculous!

3 months! She's bonkers! ASD is genetic as you will be aware... I'm saying this not because your son may well have it but because maybe she passed the ASD on to her child. She clearly has no clue of acceptable conversation with strangers. It's far too early to see signs in a strangers baby. Ignore.

Modern day parenting at its worst!

Your DS sounds totally typical. You’re also within your right to worry about autism though if you want. It isn’t always easy (as you know) and unfair of posters to give you a hard time for not wanting a child with additional needs. Chances are though he is fine :)

She sounds like one to avoid!!! Some people just have no concept of how their behaviour affects others. She is totally projecting her own life on to you. Your baby is diddy and diddy babies don’t always want to do the activity their mummy has lovingly planned. Nothing unusual in that at all and doesn’t need to be pathologised by a busy body. Don’t give it a second thought lovely x

YANBU. I have two children with high functioning ASD and 3 months after observing for 45mins is no way to tell. I would say I noticed issues with my son very early on...but my daughter we did not realise until she was 12!
For me the only red flag is actually your sister as it runs in families and most people in my family seem to have significant traits including myself.
There is a school of thought that for babies whose infant reflexes have not gone dormant they can then fail to develop some adult reflexes and a consequence is they can develop some ASD traits. These traits then disappear once the infant reflexes do dormant. I don't recommend this company as I have never used them - but I have found their questionnaire helpful. Your sister might find it helpful to do the questionnaire. My children are having the brushing therapy and their ASD traits have reduced so much I am also starting the therapy.
One thing I would have done differently as a parent would have been more tummy time - this helps with getting the infant reflexes to go dormant so I really recommend that for your baby.
Ignore this woman - as someone else said there is a chance she has ASD and means well - enjoy your baby.