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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to get married

69 replies

hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 12:24

At the age where all of my friends are getting married or engaged. I’ve been with my boyfriend almost ten years and we are very happy together. We bought a house together three years ago and have a dog, we get on great with each other’s friends and family and have no problems apart from the occasional bicker. Whilst I enjoy everyone else’s weddings I have absolutely no desire to get married myself. I wouldn’t want to change my last name because it’s a good last name and I would feel really sad to lose my family connection and the identity I have had for almost 30 years. I have no desire to have an actual wedding day as I absolutely hate being centre of attention and have quite bad anxiety and stress in overwhelming situations. The thought of organising such a figuratively big day (literally big or even a literally small wedding) fills me with dread. My boyfriend is really laid back and although I think he would like to get married he says he is happy to just be together (and spend the money we would save for the wedding on nice holidays!). I do want children one day and we have spoke about the potential of double-barreling our surnames?None of my friends or family understand my wedding viewpoint and it seems as though a wedding is the ultimate goal for so many women. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
motortroll · 17/01/2019 12:27

You can get married without a wedding and you don't have to change your name.

I had a lovely wedding but by no means was it a "goal wedding" for anyone else. It was basically just s big family party with a Buffett and disco because that's what we like.

I agree to spend your money on life and enjoying each other.

But if you do want to get married just pop down the registry office one afternoon!

Forget other people's goals do what you like!

BuffaloCauliflower · 17/01/2019 12:29

You can just pop down the registry office the two of you and two witnesses, you don’t have to change your name, you don’t even have to tell anyone. There’s a big difference between a wedding and getting married, which is signing a legal contract. There are protections afforded to marriage that no amount of wills etc can really cover, so if you what children it would be a good idea.

CmdrIvanova · 17/01/2019 12:32

You can't get married without a wedding. A wedding is the ceremony where two people are wedded to one another. You can, however, have a wedding that takes 5 minutes flat in your jeans with you, your partner and 2 witnesses, saying to the registrar that you are free to marry and then one more line, and a signature in the book.

You can do whatever you want with your name. Your child can have a different name to you and to your DH, whatever you choose. I know a couple where the husband, wife.and child all have different surnames. I know a couple who came up with a brand new surname between them.

At the end of the day marriage is simply a legal contract to bind your finances etc. It protects the lower earner. People like to turn it into a fuss and a party but that isn't what is it for.

JamPasty · 17/01/2019 12:32

Just get married down the register office and keep your surname. Job done!

CmdrIvanova · 17/01/2019 12:34

Not counting your names, your wedding can be 10 words each if you use the simplified declaration and vows

www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/residents/community-and-living/births-deaths-and-ceremonies/marriages/planning-your-wedding/vows-and-promises

Romanov · 17/01/2019 12:35

what they said

a wedding is as grand as you want to make it - you dont have to change your name

sittingonthetallseat · 17/01/2019 12:35

If you have your own income and can support yourself if you split I wouldn't get married tbh. I wish I had never married. It makes it so much harder to split from the foul man I married.

Karigan195 · 17/01/2019 12:38

I totally understand. I’m happy with my partner and want him in my life for ever but I have told him quite plainly I do not want him to propose. I went through a divorce 8 years ago where my waste of space ex got fired and then tried to get maintenance and my pension. I was dragged through the courts for a year. Our son stayed resident with me btw. I am never putting myself in that position again.

ilovemylurcher · 17/01/2019 12:40

I had one of those weddings. Three witnesses and five minutes or so. That was nearly twenty years ago and I don't regret it at all. I was like you OP- the thought of being the centre of attention etc. filled me with dread.

Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 12:40

The legal, financial side of marriage is the only thing in the back of my mind that is making me want to have a small wedding (something similar to what you are all suggesting!) I had an aunt whose long term partner (40+ years) died and she wasn't entitled to any money. She had to work to support herself until she was 70...

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Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 12:42

Karigan even the thought of a 'proposal' makes me feel sick!!!!

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MereDintofPandiculation · 17/01/2019 12:43

If you're living together and possibly having children, you need to get together all sorts of legalities. Wills so that if one of you dies, at least some of your assets get passed to the other rather than simply going back to the family. Some protection of income if one of you reduces working hours or earning potential to look after children or to support the other person in a career opportunity. Something to sort out pensions so again if one dies, the other isn't left penniless. Documentation to say you are next of kin to each other. You can do all this. But many people find it's easier and cheaper to sort out a lot of it in one go by getting married.

You're NBU, just rejecting marriage because of some details that aren't necessary to marriage while not even considering the advantages it brings.

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/01/2019 12:43

Getting married and having a wedding aren't mutually exclusive. If you don't want to be married then don't get married. But if you do get married you don't have to change your name or even have a wedding. The two of you could go down to city hall and get married.

pandechocolate · 17/01/2019 12:45

You can get married without changing your name, and don't need to have a big wedding. Quick job down the registry office with just two people and witnesses does the same job on paper.

I think people get a bit confused with weddings and a marriage. They are very different things. I know lots of people that 'wanted to get married' (aka have a wedding) but the actual marriage itself...just a big fail for so many reasons. And realistically, it was the marriage part that they never actually wanted.

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/01/2019 12:47

even the thought of a 'proposal' makes me feel sick A proposal in the sense you mean is another of the details that are completely inessential to getting married. All you need to do is decide between you that you'll get married, find two people to be witnesses - you don't need to know them, but it can be nice to have a friend each, book the registry office. You don't need a proposal, an engagement ring (you probably don't need a wedding ring buy I'm not 100% sure on that), a fancy dress, flowers, photographs, reception, honeymoon, guests.

CloudPop · 17/01/2019 12:49

I slightly lost track of the debate over civil partnerships for heterosexual couples but would that be an option?

newnameforthis7 · 17/01/2019 12:50

If your boyfriend is happy with it, why is there a problem?

Just don't get married! Confused

CmdrIvanova · 17/01/2019 12:56

The legal and financial side IS marriage. That's what it is for. It is a legal contract tying your finances. Everything else is unnecessary frill. If you have DC who will care for the child? Women are almost always the primary carers, their incomes take the biggest hit, marriage means that if the man dies or fucks off they shouldn't be left in the financial shit.

Research what a legal marriage means. It has nothing to do with jewellery, fancy frocks or a string quartet. Then say to your DP "I think we would benefit from the legal protections of marrriage. Lets book a slot and get married." Done.

newnameforthis7 · 17/01/2019 12:56

Have to say, I do find 'the thought of a proposal makes me feel sick' an odd thing to say.

Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 12:59

newname no issue just wondered what others opinions were out of curiosity!

OP posts:
Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 13:01

And by a proposal making me feel sick, I mean like the Facebook proposals you see so many off, a posed photo at the top of the rock of the man down on one knee and the woman crying or the 'Just Engaged' amateur beach photo shoots with the ring pose in all the pictures haha

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Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 13:02

*of not off!!!

OP posts:
Klobluchar · 17/01/2019 13:02

Empower yourself and get married. It’s the legal stuff all done in one fell swoop.

Jax07 · 17/01/2019 13:05

Only read the original post but I'm here for you.
I don't want to get married for the exact same reasons as you(identity, anxiety etc.) but feeling the pressure. I say fuck it. We haven't really talked about it with my boyfriend. But we are happy we travel a lot we have fun and we love each other. In my case there is pressure from family and friends, annoyed me at the beginning. Now I say fuck them 😂

Avis7 · 17/01/2019 13:08

I'm with you. No desire whatsoever to get or be married. We earn the same, pensions are very similar, house is in both our names and life insurance is set up properly. I know you can do a ten minute registry office job but I hate the idea if even being married.