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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to get married

69 replies

hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 12:24

At the age where all of my friends are getting married or engaged. I’ve been with my boyfriend almost ten years and we are very happy together. We bought a house together three years ago and have a dog, we get on great with each other’s friends and family and have no problems apart from the occasional bicker. Whilst I enjoy everyone else’s weddings I have absolutely no desire to get married myself. I wouldn’t want to change my last name because it’s a good last name and I would feel really sad to lose my family connection and the identity I have had for almost 30 years. I have no desire to have an actual wedding day as I absolutely hate being centre of attention and have quite bad anxiety and stress in overwhelming situations. The thought of organising such a figuratively big day (literally big or even a literally small wedding) fills me with dread. My boyfriend is really laid back and although I think he would like to get married he says he is happy to just be together (and spend the money we would save for the wedding on nice holidays!). I do want children one day and we have spoke about the potential of double-barreling our surnames?None of my friends or family understand my wedding viewpoint and it seems as though a wedding is the ultimate goal for so many women. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Decemberly · 17/01/2019 13:11

I knew I wanted to get married and have children but a ‘normal’ wedding day (big and expensive) didn’t interest me and just felt like a burden and an obstacle to happier times. So we eloped 18 months ago and now are happily married and have a lovely new baby boy. And I didn’t change my name. Some of the very best decisions I’ve ever made, and no regrets. Do what makes you happy!

MorrisZapp · 17/01/2019 13:17

I'm sorry about your aunt but unmarried partners can make a will. I'm not married and it's absolutely fine! My DS is fully provided for and I support myself, as adults tend to. There's no need to be poor after having kids unless you choose not to work. If you want to be a stay at home mother long term, then marriage is a good financial protection.

drowningincustard · 17/01/2019 13:21

I was exactly like you about 5/6 years ago.
We had some big discussions about our future and decided that we were fully committed to each other and wanted a family. That the decision to bring children into the world and bring them up together was a bigger commitment than marriage so we decided to do that.
Once the kids were here I was hit by lots of thoughts about what if something happened to one or either of us and the hassle faced to sort it out. Decided to look into drawing up a legal agreement but it would have cost way more than a basic marriage ceremony to give essentially the same legal benefits. So I asked other half to marry me - no fancy proposal and off we went for a basic ceremony, two strangers for witnesses and then a lovely slap up lunch with the kids. Was perfect!!!

drowningincustard · 17/01/2019 13:22

Oh and most people still don't know and I haven't changed my name!

hellsbellsmelons · 17/01/2019 13:27

What makes you think you have to change your surname?
You keep yours. He keeps his. You double-barrel any kids.
And as others say, quick reg off wedding and you're done.

CMOTDibbler · 17/01/2019 13:28

We did have a wedding (but completely on our own terms), but the proposal was dh asking me if I'd like to get married, then we chose a ring and organised most of the wedding before we told anyone, no big annoucement, photos etc.
I kept my name, ds eventually has both (as do the dogs) and we have a very equal marriage.

If you plan on having children, then ask your bf if he'd like to get married, then ask MN for a couple of witnesses and go down the registry office. Then tell anyone you want - or not, but you'll have more protection as women tend to be the ones disadvantaged by having children in the long term.

dinkydolphin · 17/01/2019 13:31

Don't get married then? Is it not that simple?

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 17/01/2019 13:33

It's perfectly fine not to want to get married, but the reasons you give are bad ones. Because surnames have nothing to do with being married and you don't have to have a wedding.

For people who don't have particular religious, political or whatever views on the subject that would make the decision for them, the best thing to do is inform yourselves about the legal and financial ramifications of both marriage and cohabitation and then decide. Call yourselves and any kids whatever you want, do it quietly and don't tell anyone if you prefer.

Romanov · 17/01/2019 13:34

your proposal does not invalidate anyone elses, i think you're quite rude to be honest, some people like different things,

And by a proposal making me feel sick, I mean like the Facebook proposals you see so many off, a posed photo at the top of the rock of the man down on one knee and the woman crying or the 'Just Engaged' amateur beach photo shoots with the ring pose in all the pictures haha

its very simple, if you want the legal protection and advantages of marriage, then get married, if you dont want them, then dont - makes no difference to anyone else what you do/dont do

LoniceraJaponica · 17/01/2019 13:35

I dislike "performance" proposals as well. They are so "look at me" aren't they.

Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 14:02

Thanks everyone for your views I was just curious as not many of my friends agree with me. Glad there are some others that feel the same. I think we will eventually get married (not have a wedding) for the legal side of things.

Romanov I wasn't in any way trying to be rude, just the thought of having something like that happen to me makes me feel sick with anxiety. It's all about the hating being center of attention thing again! Each to their own...

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 17/01/2019 14:46

I got married in shorts and an old teacher. We did it over lunch. I think we got fast food on the way back to work.

Purpleartichoke · 17/01/2019 14:46

Tshirt

planespotting · 17/01/2019 14:49

I wouldn’t want to change my last name because it’s a good last name and I would feel really sad to lose my family connection and the identity I have had for almost 30 years. I have no desire to have an actual wedding day as I absolutely hate being centre of attention and have quite bad anxiety and stress in overwhelming situations.
I didn't change my name and I had a 4 people wedding
I knew I was not having children if I didn't get married first

I don't care about what others think about weddings, I did it my way

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 14:57

for goodness' sake, you don't have to do any of those things to be married? How old are you, you surely must know that?

decide to be married, make appt at registry office, grab a couple of pals or even 2 strangers off the street (friends did that), get married, update info where needed (HMRC, for example), carry on as you were.

or just arrange you affairs so that you don't get hit by any of those things that take long term cohabiting people by surprise (eg being each other's next of kin).

Original poster
hihellohihey · 17/01/2019 15:12

RiverTam I'm 29, you are very patronising. I know I don't have to do all of those things but I was just stating what is the norm within my circle and wondered if I was unusual in not wanting those things. My friends and family seem to think it's odd that's all.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 17/01/2019 15:13

well, no, that's not what your OP said. But whatever.

JamPasty · 17/01/2019 16:32

Get married but don't tell anyone, then you won't have anyone doing the "oh but you must have a gazillion guests and a floofy dress!" stuff :)

sackrifice · 17/01/2019 16:34

You can do what you want.

It is your life.

People in here saying you can get married blah blah blah. The whole point is that you don't want to and that is perfectly fine.

Don't be a sheep if you don't want to be.

Confusedbeetle · 17/01/2019 16:37

Marriage is an important way of legally protecting each other. If you dont want the wedding circus dont have it. Keep your name. But if you dont want to mrry you must legally protect each other financially. That can be more hassle than nipping in to the registry office. It shows that you care enough for each other to cover all eventualities. It is not just a piece of paper. I am sure he wouldnt want to see you destitute if he died. Also things like pension, look it up

patientzero · 17/01/2019 16:47

I’m married. No proposal, no engagement ring, no guests, no name change, no day to day difference.

VampirateQueen · 17/01/2019 16:58

You don't have to do the wedding or proposal, just agree you want to get married, go to a registry office and either take 2 people with you witness or grab 2 people off the street to witness it. You can do a party later if you want to, if you don't now worries.

Princessmushroom · 17/01/2019 17:01

I can’t imagine buying a house with someone I wasn’t married to, regardless of whether there was a big wedding or not.

And I also didn’t see anything patronising from RiverTam.

Yabbers · 17/01/2019 17:01

People in here saying you can get married blah blah blah. The whole point is that you don't want to and that is perfectly fine

Op has pretty much said she doesn't want a proposal, a big wedding or to change her name. None of these suggests she doesn't want to be married. There is a difference.

Don't be a sheep if you don't want to be.
This is ridiculous, something I hear a lot. In 2017, there were 6 million households which didn't fall under the category of "married couple". To suggest they are some kind of renegades, bucking the trends, going against the masses is laughable. There are around 12 million married households so it's not exactly a tiny minority who don't choose that.

To refuse to do something just because it's something a whole lot of other people do, doesn't make you any better than them, nor does it make you smarter.

Get married, or don't, but let's not pretend one side or the other is doing it "wrong"

Romanov · 17/01/2019 17:11

*People in here saying you can get married blah blah blah. The whole point is that you don't want to and that is perfectly fine.

people are saying that because the OP is saying s/he doesnt want a fuss. people are saying you dont have to have a fuss

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