to not want to get married

[hihellohihey]

At the age where all of my friends are getting married or engaged. I’ve been with my boyfriend almost ten years and we are very happy together. We bought a house together three years ago and have a dog, we get on great with each other’s friends and family and have no problems apart from the occasional bicker. Whilst I enjoy everyone else’s weddings I have absolutely no desire to get married myself. I wouldn’t want to change my last name because it’s a good last name and I would feel really sad to lose my family connection and the identity I have had for almost 30 years. I have no desire to have an actual wedding day as I absolutely hate being centre of attention and have quite bad anxiety and stress in overwhelming situations. The thought of organising such a figuratively big day (literally big or even a literally small wedding) fills me with dread. My boyfriend is really laid back and although I think he would like to get married he says he is happy to just be together (and spend the money we would save for the wedding on nice holidays!). I do want children one day and we have spoke about the potential of double-barreling our surnames?None of my friends or family understand my wedding viewpoint and it seems as though a wedding is the ultimate goal for so many women. Am I being unreasonable?

We had a small wedding, no proposal, no hen do, no fuss! Overseas so combined it with a lovely holiday. It doesn't have to be stressful. I didn't change my name.

We did it as without it if one of us died the other wouldn't be next of kin etc or automatically entitled to anything that wasn't in the will. Also after 8 years it started to feel a bit odd calling each other girlfriend or boyfriend or partner - nothing to differentiate from the previous relationship's as being more serious, to other people anyway.

As long as you're fully aware of all the legal consequences of you not getting married then you don't have to though!

Didn't care about getting married but I cared a lot about the legal protections like being each others next of kin if we were seriously ill. I experienced in my close family, someone terminally ill and a relative they didn't even like came in and overruled all the plans they'd made with their partner of 20 odd years once they no longer had capacity. Relative was next of kin. I assume they expected to inherit because their new plans were cheap, minimal care. It was heartbreaking.

I originally wanted a secret wedding but my husband pointed out that if I wanted the protection in case he was seriously ill then I needed to tell his mum before hand so I wouldn't have to tell her over his unconscious body. We had a small wedding but did make other people happier than ourselves. No regrets though.

In my circle most people have got married for practical reasons. I was next of kin when my unmarried sister gave birth. They wouldn't accept her partner. I'd also have been next of kin for baby if she'd been incapacitated until he legally gained parental rights.

Whilst I enjoy everyone else’s weddings I have absolutely no desire to get married myself.

OP said she doesn't want to get married.

And it is perfectly fine to not be married and be happy in this world.

DH and I didn’t want to marry, but we needed the tax rebate as he’d written off our car and we couldn’t afford a new one.
So we took 2 witnesses to a Registry office - no ring, flowers dress or nonsense - and were done and dusted in ten minutes. We hid the marriage certificate in a drawer and pretended it had never happened.
But it proved essential when he died young leaving two babies- it gave me a state widow’s pension and a death in service payment from his employer.

OP said she didn't want to get married because of things that aren't actually part of being married, then said subsequently that she might still choose to get married because of the legal stuff. Ie the things which very much are a part of being married. Suggesting she get married so she can have the bits she needs but not do the bits she doesn't like is a completely legitimate and sensible response!

We eloped, just us and a registrar on a beautiful beach. The witnesses were the piper and photographer supplied by the company that arranged it. I did change my name because I hated my original surname but you don’t have to. It takes ten minutes and a signature. A lot of people still believe co-habiting partners have ‘common law’ rights. You have no rights at all, if your partner got hit by a truck you would have no say I his care,his funeral etc. Everything he owned would go to his closest blood relative unless you have all sorts of legal documentation.

november just gone ive been with my oh 19 years,i was 18 him 17

moved in together at 20, we have a 14 and 8 y old

i have never ever been interested in getting married so never will

he knows/knew not to ask as it would be a no

we are very happy together and have never had any problems in the whole time we have beentogether

My sister didn't get married. He didn't change his will. He died suddenly in very traumatic circumstances and she couldn't afford to pay for his funeral and didn't get a penny from his estate. His ex wife got the lot. He had DC with ex so obvs he would have wanted them to get a good chunk but I know he also wouldn't have wanted to leave my sister in such a bad situation. He wasn't old.
They had been together for years.
If you don't want to get married at least keep your wills up to date, make sure you inform pension company who your beneficiary is.

I have no wish to get married. I am bewildered by the obsession people have with weddings and marriage.

Secure yourself legally, wills, mortgages, directives, pensions etc and then simply ignore all the wedding obsessives.

Don't go to a register office, don't elope, just don't bother.

After about 30 years they realise you aren't going to bother

My aunt went with her do to registry office and got married. Told no one. Popped certificate in a draw and never was mentioned until uncle died. They did it for purely legal reasons as it diidnt matter to them

Was never my goal to get married .
We had been together for 11 years before we did and that was just a small wedding in Vegas. Been married 3 years this October.
Was perfect for me as I also am very anxious and hate being centre of attention but I actually really loved it and enjoyed it so much more than I would

Ok not to get married but do it with both eyes wide open.

You are not automatically next of kin, without a will you won’t see a penny and it may cause enormous heartache to sort out a situation where you are “just the girlfriend”.

If you have children you need to make sure they are provided for.

If you do all this, be always in full employment, have separate finance and keep up with all changing regulations and laws, fine.

If not, sign a marriage contract and ignore the idea that you are actually married.

People don't typically encounter problems with not being married while they're both still alive and together tor. Its when the relationship ends through either death or separation that it becomes significant.

I'm not saying you'll encounter problems with it, you may even be objectively better off unmarried. But best to be aware that we're happy now while things are still good isn't really the test to use here.

On a different point, being unmarried doesn't mean being excluded from medical matters. That's no longer really an issue. Let's not perpetuate it.

From Citizens' Advice: living together vs marriage and living together vs civil partnership.

There are sound reasons for making some sort of legal commitment, particularly if you plan to have children together and even moreso if one of you plans to then cut back on work or be a SAH parent. It also clears up next of kin and certain inheritance issues.

Don't bother if you don't want to. From reading posts on Mumsnet, it appears marriage is a lifestyle choice that may give access to certain benefits in the event of one spouse's untimely death or, if one party to the marriage is much richer than the other, will give the poorer spouse access to more of the other person's wealth in the event of a divorce. Neither sound like very convincing reasons to me.

I was with my XDP for many years, we had children but I could never see the point of marrying so we didn't. Some pressure from his family, especially when we had the children, but we just ignored it. When we met, I had my own property so when we bought houses together I was on the deeds, they were half mine, so when we split up, I had no particular problems. I got more than half the value of our last house together as the children were going to live with me. XDP lied about his money, job prospects etc. when we did mediation, but if we had been married, he would just have lied more creatively and might have spent more time and effort hiding money before the split, although there wasn't much to hide. I got some of his squirrelled away cash because he realised it was reasonable that I should.

We decided our relationship was over, our split was broadly amicable and it was all very civilised. I would have hated to be like the lady in the news last year whose marriage was over but she couldn't divorce because her husband wouldn't agree. I also had a friend who had to stay officially married for ages after her husband abandoned her just because he wouldn't co-operate with the divorce proceedings.

We had many very happy years together, and I can't say that we would have stayed together if we had mumbled some words in front of a priest/council employee years before.

So if you don't want to marry, don't. It makes very little difference to anything.

I am literally you!
We discussed getting married and he did propose, without a ring in our living room! I chose an engagement ring after for £100 and we organised a wedding in his parents back garden with all parents and siblings, 10 of us all up. We went out for a meal with all our friends and family after.
Didn't have to change my name, all we paid for was celebrant, license and meal. You don't have to feel pressure if you don't want to.
I'm the same age as you and most of the weddings in my friend group have been big affairs. I've absolutely loved going to them but really did not want it for myself.
Just do what you want to do girl.

So you're happy not being married and your partner is happy not being married. I'm not sure what the point of the post is?

Of course you’re not unreasonable. I didn’t want to marry, despite being very happy with my long term partner. We eventually got married for a crucial logistical reason after more than 20 years together, but it was a ten-minute ceremony in ordinary clothes, two witnesses, no rings, photos, music etc, and we promptly forgot about it afterwards. It was a complete non-event in our lives, and we continue to be as happy as we were when we were unmarried partners. I couldn’t even tell you our wedding anniversary, just the month.

I didn’t have a proposal. We discussed it, my DH wanted me to have a nice ring and I did too, he bought it and gave it to me.

We paid for our own wedding and I use my old name - for everything.

Of course you shouldn’t get married if you don’t want to, but if it’s THE DAY you are anxious about but would like to enjoy the benefits of its legal status fuck of down the Register Office and do it quietly.

You don’t even have to tell people.

Personally I wouldn’t have children without being married.