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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Narcissistic Grandparents

80 replies

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 10:47

I have come to the realisation that my MIL is most likely a narcissist. She uses lots of emotional blackmail, talks to us like we are 5 years
old who couldn't possibly function without her, more concerned with how she appears to others than her families happiness etc.

Worried about how this will effect my DC, is it advisable to never let a narcissistic grandparent have unsupervised access to the DC? Anyone with narcissist parents or in laws who have experience with this?
Just been reading up on something called grandparent grooming where the narcissist wants unsupervised access to the child (babysitting, visiting, holidays, day trips, phone calls and other access to the child apart from the rest of the family) and uses this to emotionally abuse, manipulate the child and use the child as a substitute adult (The child listens to the grandparents problems,
opinions on everyone and everything so they are groomed to be their obedient audience). They then use the trust gained to do things like feed them a sob story about how they have no one else and if the child doesn’t pay them this attention they will leave granny bereft. Or lie and imply the child is not really loved by the parents. Or starts to tell the child how bad/cruel/hurtful/unreasonable the parents are
and if only the child could speak up for them. Just a few examples.

AIBU to say no unsupervised access to my DC for my narcissistic MIL because I'm sure she will try this sort of crap, she will definitely use emotional blackmail and bribery.

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 17/01/2019 10:48

Have you spoken with your partner about your concerns?

Pachyderm1 · 17/01/2019 10:51

I’m not a psychologist. Neither are most of MN. And those that are would know better than to diagnose your MIL from one post. So it’s not really our place to say.

You should talk to your DH and agree boundaries you are both comfortable with. It may be worth waiting to see what access your MIL seeks, and whether she abuses this, before deciding on strict rules.

Comeymemo · 17/01/2019 10:53

What you describe doesn’t sound like narcissism to me.

It does sound like you dislike your MIL and are trying to find a diagnosis that would allow you to deny contact.

Comeymemo · 17/01/2019 10:55

It’s funny how most narcissists on mn seem to be MILs. In real life, most narcissists are men...

Confusedbeetle · 17/01/2019 10:57

Good grief what a post!

Pachyderm1 · 17/01/2019 11:01

Absolutely, Narcissism is, in reality, extremely rare and predominately diagnosed in men. it just so happens that 98% of narcissists are the MILs of people posting on mumsnet

everydaymum · 17/01/2019 11:11

My DM is like this. She hasn't been officially diagnosed as a narcissist (she doesn't feel she has a problem so why would she see anyone about it), but appears to cross over 3 different personality disorders, according to drs who are aware of her.
I don't let her have unsupervised time with my DS, and luckily he doesn't want it.
DM will always criticise something about me when she visits. The last time she did this DS (5) took my side and told DM he would stick up for me. She replied with 'no, you stick up for Nana'. He then said the other day that he thinks 'Nana wants me to be her child'. I've always felt that DM competes with me (in her mind), for love/affection/devotion from DS, and obviously he feels it too.
Do what you feel is right, but know that whatever you decide, MIL won't agree or understand, no matter how much you explain. She won't want to get it and won't accept it, so save your breath and just state what is or isn't happening and leave it at that.

Original poster
Panda57 · 17/01/2019 11:35

Pachyderm1 its getting my DH to agree to the boundaries because growing up with her he thinks her behaviour is some what normal (thats just the way she is type attitude) and puts up with a lot of it for an easy life. If he doesn't do what she wants she will give him the cold shoulder, guilt trip him or even throw a tantrum (I have heard her scream the house down at her younger son while I was staying there because he went on a date with someone she didn't approve of). She definitely will abuse it, and I might not realise it until its too late.

everydaymum Did you say no unsupervised access from the start? Yeah she definitely wont accept it and will try to guilt my DH, throw tantrums, get other family members to guilt us etc

OP posts:
Huntawaymama · 17/01/2019 11:42

Wow you've just described my mother to T!

everydaymum · 17/01/2019 11:57

Panda no, at the start she wasn't too bad. We weren't living very close which I think made a big difference, and being a new Mum I was happy for a bit of advice. But since DS has got older and we do more, she feels left out of things (she feels entitled to be a part of literally everything we do). Also as I got more confident in parenting and didn't ask for advice, she's not able to exert control and give opinions. It's been full-on since DS started at kinder and I was seen publicly as a 'Mum' - if that makes sense (I know I was obviously a Mum before that, but in terms of doing the kinder/school jobs, kids birthdays, play dates etc). The more 'Mum' I got, the worse she became.
She really does try to take the parent role. She wants to bake birthday cakes for DS and my DH (she did this as a Mum and now it's my turn but she doesn't agree), she wants copies of DS's school report, she wants to do the 'parent helper' jobs at his school. If I go to the dr she calls to ask what was said, what the problem was, what treatment has been prescribed. If she calls and we don't answer she wants to know where we were, what we did and who we saw.
I think with age she has also gotten worse.
The biggest problem is that I hate that DS can see/sense my frustrations and DMs unreasonableness. I don't want my relationship with DM to influence his (although privately I'm thrilled that he's not overly keen on her), but every time DM visits DS will mouth to me 'are you ok'. A 5yo shouldn't feel the need to be concerned about my wellbeing.
Also, DM turns on the charm for others, so only a select few have really seen her 'in action'.

everydaymum · 17/01/2019 11:58

I should also say that DMs physical and health issues have made it easier to eliminate unsupervised visits. It would be a lot harder if she was fit and well.

Maelstrop · 17/01/2019 12:29

@everydaymum, have you minimised everything you tell her? Like, how does she know you’re going to the doctor? I know it sounds simplistic, but just pare down everything you say to her, she shouldn’t know the detail of your day to day life.

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/01/2019 12:40

Unsupervised access is an odd term to use here. You have a right to decide who your child spends time with and when, in the case of your mil just don't send them there for sleepovers or let her take them out, you don't need to point out that you aren't leaving them alone with her, just don't.

sprouts21 · 17/01/2019 12:50

This happened to me with a grandparent. It's called emotional incest and it's horrible. Why do you see her at all?

Gobolinocat · 17/01/2019 12:58

Op this is our problem too expect my Mil (and fil) did cause dh physiological harm.

Possible spelling error there.

I'm very concerned about Mil around my dc like you said it's all a huge competition, and brain washing, emotional pulling...

I don't know what to advise. When we pulled back contact, they control dh access to his whole family. Everything goes through them.

They seem desperate all the time to get dc alone it was never enough to see them at ours but then Mil is so miserable and critical that it's difficult having her around.

It's been a the most hideous situation and as a family ie dh and our dc, inspite of many other storms we have had to weather its the only thing that's brought us deep misery.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/01/2019 13:02

She doesn't need a recognised condition to keep your dc away.
Your dc and they don't need unsupervised time with anyone imo.

Gobolinocat · 17/01/2019 13:04

Mum there is no way we as a family could get round to that because pils always say to dc in front of us.. When are you coming to granny's House I'll make sure you those blah you love.

The whole visit would be a sales pitch to entice the child there.

Of course we don't have to sending them but it's the pressure etc

Gobolinocat · 17/01/2019 13:06

April mums, dad's bear much guilt if we they keep dc away or or at distance from seemingly sweet loving grandparents.

Huge family pressures, aunts great aunts, great grandmas.. Etc etc etc all piling on pressure.. Why don't you yiu go away, leave the children for a night etc...

AutumnColours9 · 17/01/2019 13:06

I have a MIL like this. We've always allowed contact but not as much as she demands and kept at arms length. She doesn't have supervised. Although adult DC have stayed with. However the more she gets the more she wants and now rings adult DC crying for them to visit as she may not have long left now she is old (60 odd v healthy)

AutumnColours9 · 17/01/2019 13:07

Above should say she doesn't have unsupervised

Gobolinocat · 17/01/2019 13:10

@everydaymum

This is what has worried about small dc picking up on the this. To a point this is life there will be tensions and we can't and shouldn't shield dc fro them but it irks me too when Mil has caused problems when we have lots of other stuff going on.
I wouldn't have chosen to share or drag dc into half the stuff they have been dragged into. It's been a nightmare.
All I want is to have normal nice steady loving gp.

Gobolinocat · 17/01/2019 13:12

Autumn this is what deeply concerns me when dc get older and we can't help them when Mil starts and fil starts to force them over there.
How can we prepare them because we won't be able to stop it

Justwanttotravel · 17/01/2019 13:31

What comeymemo said

trulybadlydeeply · 17/01/2019 13:39

How old are your DC? What contact does she has with them now, and is she pushing for unsupervised contact?

I guess it also depends on how close she is and if she will be seeing them regularly whether they are supervised or unsupervised.

When they are tiny it is perfectly acceptable to refuse unsupervised contact anyhow, and then take it from there as they get older.

toomuchtooold · 17/01/2019 13:44

Panda you should have a look at the Stately Homes thread on relationships. There are a lot of negotiating this stuff. I would also recommend Susan Forward's books, Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws.

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