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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Narcissistic Grandparents

80 replies

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 10:47

I have come to the realisation that my MIL is most likely a narcissist. She uses lots of emotional blackmail, talks to us like we are 5 years
old who couldn't possibly function without her, more concerned with how she appears to others than her families happiness etc.

Worried about how this will effect my DC, is it advisable to never let a narcissistic grandparent have unsupervised access to the DC? Anyone with narcissist parents or in laws who have experience with this?
Just been reading up on something called grandparent grooming where the narcissist wants unsupervised access to the child (babysitting, visiting, holidays, day trips, phone calls and other access to the child apart from the rest of the family) and uses this to emotionally abuse, manipulate the child and use the child as a substitute adult (The child listens to the grandparents problems,
opinions on everyone and everything so they are groomed to be their obedient audience). They then use the trust gained to do things like feed them a sob story about how they have no one else and if the child doesn’t pay them this attention they will leave granny bereft. Or lie and imply the child is not really loved by the parents. Or starts to tell the child how bad/cruel/hurtful/unreasonable the parents are
and if only the child could speak up for them. Just a few examples.

AIBU to say no unsupervised access to my DC for my narcissistic MIL because I'm sure she will try this sort of crap, she will definitely use emotional blackmail and bribery.

OP posts:

OneStepMoreFun · 17/01/2019 13:49

My father is a narcissist. I didn't know it until recently but instinctively I have never left either of my children alone with him. And I have heavily restricted general contact to public places and my own home where DC are free to leave the room and have space away from him. My DC have not been affected by him and I'm proud of that.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 17/01/2019 13:58

You want to deny access to your yet to be conceived children? And your MIL is the problem here? 🤔

Original poster

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 14:00

everydaymum
My Mil is also feels entitled to be a part of everything we do and be informed on everything we do. She has gotten worse since getting married then pregnant and having the DC. She wanted to know in detail about every midwife appointment I had. When you say it's been full-on since DS started at kinder and I was seen publicly as a 'Mum' wonder if its partly due to keeping up appearances/ how your family be seen in the eyes of others and how will that reflect upon her? My Mil is very concerned how her family looks, like God forbid you forget to send a thank you card or mow your grass on time. Or the more independent/ confident you become the more she hates it and tries to tighten her grip?
My Mil also turns on the charm for others and think she is so kind and wonderful. My parents didn't fully believe me about what she is like until recently.

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/01/2019 14:06

Hi OP I understand your concerns but this is based on how she behaves with you. I think until she behaves badly towards your son it would be a bit harsh to cut her out. I'd keep access supervised if possible and short but don't do anything drastic until you see any evidence of the bahaviours that worry you towards your son.

crispinquent · 17/01/2019 14:06

Are you sure we dont have same Mil? She has put me off more children bc as my friend likened it to, its like having the Eye of Mordor on you

fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 14:11

You have described my MIL. BIL’s eldest is being treated for various MH issues because MIL spent years telling her how awful her mother’s family were and DN started saying the same things when she could talk.

When she grew older she felt guilty about all the nasty things she had said (copied from MIL) to her mother’s parents and her mother. She had to leave school, became so depressed she could not function.

Trust your gut. Parental alienation is a real thing and can mess up lives.

ReflectentMonatomism · 17/01/2019 14:11

My Mil is also feels entitled to be a part of everything we do and be informed on everything we do. She has gotten worse since getting married then pregnant and having the DC. She wanted to know in detail about every midwife appointment I had.

Want isn't get. Why did you tell her? Why not just say "No, I am not discussing that with you"? Your husband might have a problem as he has been raised by her; you can simply disengage. You do not need to discuss your private medical matters with anyone, unless you choose to do so.

Same with most of the rest. You do not have to engage with her. She can have an opinion on your grass cutting habits; you do not have to listen or respond. Spend a lot less time thinking about her.

crispinquent · 17/01/2019 14:13

W my Mil the behavior is narcissistic and she too develped emotional incest w her sons bc of separation from her husband. The mil and pil now cohabit but its purely for money and to put on a front so they have access to grandkids

Original poster

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 14:13

sprouts21 what did your grandparent do regarding emotional incest if you don't mind me asking and how did you spot it and put a stop to it? Regarding why I see her I need to get DH to agree to low / no contact.

Gobolinocat sorry to hear you are going through this, awful that's its caused your DC harm. This is a big worry of mine. It's awful when she's uses other family members too

AutumnColours9
Gobolinocat
Also worried about when DC get older and Mil trys to force them over there.

trulybadlydeeply they are still young but she has been hinting lots about her looking after DC

OP posts:

fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 14:14

AmIRightOrAMeringue I do not agree. Why wait until her son is abused? When people show who they are, believe them. It is enough that she can be disgusting to someone else to not want them in your life.

Aside from that, the child will see how badly the grandparent treats their parent and this is their role model.

ReflectentMonatomism · 17/01/2019 14:17

they are still young but she has been hinting lots about her looking after DC

So you and your husband tell her, clearly, that she isn't. Not "we'll see" or "we'll think about it" or "yes, but...". "You will not be looking after our children. Please do not continue to think this is a topic for negotiation".

Aside from anything else, grandparents' "rights" are only engaged if the grandparent has a pre-existing substantial relationship. If you are worried that she is unhinged, don't let her build that relationship which can later be exploited. Normal grandparents see their children when it's convenient for a few hours, once in a while.

fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 14:18

IsItThatTimeAgain I did also. I saw how she treated BIL’s kids and it was a condition of having children with DH that his parents never had access to them alone. As it was they were anusive to my son when he was three months old WITH DH IN THE ROOM and were cut off, so no issue now.

Original poster

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 14:19

toomuchtooold thanks I'll take a look at Stately Homes. Started reading the toxic in laws book.

OneStepMoreFun that's good your DC haven't been affected. My biggest difficulty is getting my DH to agree to low contact and not telling her every detail of our lives

IsItThatTimeAgain my DC is almost a toddler

OP posts:

Legohell · 17/01/2019 14:21

IsItThatTimeAgain You don’t get it so best not to comment.

Legohell · 17/01/2019 14:23

Panda, if DH spills all, don’t tell him either. Keep stuff to yourself, find a friend to confide in. It’s awful but it will get him out of the habit of spilling his guts to mommy.

TabbyMumz · 17/01/2019 14:27

Panda....I dont know about the term narcissist, but if you don't want your children being on their own with her, don't let it happen. I did the same. I figured if they wanted to see my children, they got me too, as I worked full time, so I too wanted to see my kids at weekends. It worked fine.

Original poster

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 14:33

crispinquent Eye of Mordor on you, yes feel like that sometimes

fusioluxe sorry to hear that, that's awful

ReflectentMonatomism it's my DH that tells her everything, even my private medical matters. I tell him what happened at midwife appointments and he tells it all to his mother. She wanted to know all the details the next day in hospital after I gave birth, what procedures is she having done she asked, and he told her!

OP posts:

Original poster

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 14:42

fusioluxe has your bil cut all contact now with his mum after what she did?

OP posts:

fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 14:51

Panda, no he is the golden and sacrifices his kids for money etc. SIL divorced him. The eldest has very little contact with MIL though, sees loads of her mother’s family.

BIL married again, divorced again. There is no way MIL will let him have another woman in his life. She chased the latest one off when she suggested they emigrate. Told BIL he would never hear from anyone in the family again if he went.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 17/01/2019 14:54

Not necessarily a narc issue, but my parents in law are neglectful and untrustworthy- they were crap, unsafe parents and nothing that they’ve done since have proven they’re any better now. They have often hinted at having the kids alone, both before and after they were born. We just don’t acknowledge it and don’t leave them with them. They can keep saying it would be nice to have a sleepover or whatever, but doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Me and DH are on the same page though, so I think you need to make sure your husband gets your POV first up.

Original poster

Panda57 · 17/01/2019 15:03

fusioluxe no offence to your bil but that's some shitty priorities he has. Your Mil sounds completely bonkers, makes mine seem mild in comparison. Have you gone completely no contact?

OP posts:

fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 15:25

We have yes. Because we ran a tight ship from the beginning (despite MIL telling me she was my baby’s “other mother” and FIL saying that they had to have sleepovers ASAP) so they became angry very quickly to try and get us to submit like BIL.

I went to a solicitor to see how I could protect myself and my baby, told them I had taken legal advice and cut contact. DH followed a short time later when they threatened him because he wouldn’t “get me in line” 🙄.

They still send threats occasionally though, to me not DH. I think they think we would have split up by now as BIL’s relationships never last! I never respond, just log them in case I ever need the evidence.

ReflectentMonatomism · 17/01/2019 15:59

it's my DH that tells her everything, even my private medical matters. I tell him what happened at midwife appointments and he tells it all to his mother

So use the old cliche, you have a husband problem as much as a mother in law problem.

fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 17:00

Stop giving your husband the information you don’t want MIL to know. He is not trustworthy.

Gobolinocat · 17/01/2019 17:17

@crispinquent

When we go near where pils live I say we are going into mordor and we have the eye on us

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