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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband mocking me in front of children

68 replies

Itwasbestoftimesworstoftimes · 17/01/2019 10:26

I’ve been married to my DH for 10 years and the whole time we’ve been married I’ve been a practising catholic. He is staunchly atheist and our two dc have not been brought up to be religious.

My faith is a private matter and I don’t discuss it in the house as the children aren’t religious and I don’t want to have that discussion with them. They’re 8 and 5. They know i go to chapel but didnt ask about it and that’s fine.

I’ve noticed over the past year or so that my DH has started to openly mock me about being a catholic - in front of the children. He’ll tell them God isn’t real and only cranks believe in it and say “like your mum” he’ll be laughing when he says it but the children are picking it up and I can see an intolerance creeping in. I’ve told the DC that faith (or indeed atheism) is a personal choice and it’s not to be laughed at.

I tend to go to mass early on a Sunday morning but a couple of weeks ago I missed it and went out on a Sunday night while my DH was at his brothers. I popped in to BILs to see them and their kids and my DH said in front of his family “oh she was at chapel. Yeah I know CHAPEL! She’s one of those weak minded folk who need religion.” They laughed but never said anything. I decided that that was my cue to go home and I rounded up the kids. My DH was annoyed that “I’d caused a scene.” I don’t think I should have to stand being mocked Hmm

Anyway, I suppose this is more a WWYD? The kids aren’t religious, there is no sign of religion in my house and I don’t discuss it other than it seems to defend myself.

I know people on here probably aren’t religious but I feel like I shouldn’t be embarrassed by my DH for quietly having a religious denomination. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Itwasbestoftimesworstoftimes · 17/01/2019 10:29

I should add I’ve name changed for this.

I also don’t know why he’s only been like this the past year or so Confused

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 17/01/2019 10:31

It doesn’t matter what the actual ‘issue’ is here, it could equally be yoga, vegetarianism, volunteer work- anything you hold dear. It’s absolutely disgraceful to mock your choices and beliefs.

When people do this I always think it’s the perpetrator who is embarrassing themselves. It’s time for a word or two in which you make it crystal clear that you won’t toler another episode of this and yes, you will leave each and every time he does this.

If he persists I suspect you will want to leave further than simply leaving the room to go home.

I’m a non believer.

MissionItsPossible · 17/01/2019 10:32

I’m not religious and I think that is awful behaviour on his part. What could have caused the change in the past year?

MistressDeeCee · 17/01/2019 10:33

Pull him up on it. Don't run away because it's public. Stand your ground and tell him not to mock you.

IME taking people like this aside for a quiet talk in private doesn't work. They want to belittle you in front of other people and have other people laugh at you.

You need to stop that in its tracks

Schmoobarb · 17/01/2019 10:33

Not nice.

What does he say when you speak to him about it?

Daffodil2018 · 17/01/2019 10:33

Shock He is completely out of line. I don’t know what you can do apart from sit him down for a serious conversation about it. He is setting a terrible example for your children about tolerance. That alone should be enough for him to think twice.

AlphaJuno · 17/01/2019 10:33

I think your DH is out of order tbh. It's wrong to belittle you in front of your children. My mum is a catholic and sent all of us kids to catholic school. She would've liked it if we had turned out to be religious but none of us go to church, including her husband. She respects that though and doesn't push her religion on us. I wouldn't dream of making fun of her beliefs in front of my dcs. I've brought mine up to respect other people's beliefs and form their own opinions whether it's religious or not. I know some people who aren't religious who wouldn't be happy if their child turned out to be religious and say they can't say prayers at school etc. I don't believe you should either force your beliefs on your dcs whether that's atheist or religious. It's their lives to decide what they believe in. I think your dh is undermining you and I wouldn't be happy, you ANBU.

purpleme12 · 17/01/2019 10:34

You need to talk to him about this. If he continues doing this once he's realised what he's doing to you then you've got an issue

Badwifey · 17/01/2019 10:35

Is your faith newly found? We're you this religious when you met?

Original poster
Itwasbestoftimesworstoftimes · 17/01/2019 10:36

@badwifey

I’ve been a practising catholic all of my life (apart from my late teens and early twenties when booze and nights out were more important Grin)

OP posts:
Badwifey · 17/01/2019 10:38

I ask only because when I married my Dh he believed in God etc but was definitely non practicing. Now however he goes to church every Sunday, reads bible passages, wears religious jewellery... etc and I hate it. I am very much an atheist and had I met him like this I definitely would not have married him.

Confusedbeetle · 17/01/2019 10:40

In the first instance you should challenge him for his disrespect. You do not mock his beliefs and he has no right to mock yours. For the children, they are at a good age to have the conversations about faiths and beliefs in different cultures. If they grow up with the idea that different religions work for different people they will have an open mind and be less prejudiced about a different culture. With a bit of luck, they are getting some of this at school so that could be a conversation. There are a lot of books available. This is not about indoctrination or promoting your own faith, but rather raising their awareness. I am an atheist but was determined my children would respect other faiths and could choose accordingly. I would have a firm discussion with himself about him promoting religious intolerance in the children

OutPinked · 17/01/2019 10:40

So he knew you were Catholic and still married you and had DC with you. He’s also been fine about it until recently. How bizarre. Do you ever challenge him?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/01/2019 10:40

"Once he's realised what he's doing" Really? Of course he knows what he's doing fgs. He's intentionally disrespecting his wife and her spiritual beliefs in front of other people. No-one does this without realising! He needs to be pulled up about this, and hard. This really, really isn't the sort of behaviour we should tolerate from those who claim to love us

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/01/2019 10:41

Maybe his ego can't cope with you needing to talk /seek comfort from God?
I think you should discuss with your dc why you personally go to Chapel. Likely they will be more understanding.

Badwifey · 17/01/2019 10:41

In that case I think it's out of order. He knew who you were when he married you.

Just as an aside... I don't mock my husband's beliefs but I do complain about him going to church every week. I think it's an awful waste of time and usually means we can't do anything as a family on a Sunday due to the timing. I did christen my dd and honestly it's something I deeply regret.

purpleme12 · 17/01/2019 10:43

Ok Bitter no need to get all arsey with me I'm not the one doing this

Original poster
Itwasbestoftimesworstoftimes · 17/01/2019 10:44

@badwifey

I know what you mean about the waste of time. However, my husband is out at the gym twice a week and will meet his friends on Sunday nights so I suppose this is my thing that I do along with a yoga class.

OP posts:
Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 17/01/2019 10:45

I agree wholeheartedly with the first two posters.

It's disgusting that he is treating you that way (at any time but in front of others too!) it doesn't matter the cause there is no excuse. Would it be ok to mock you if the subject matter was cooking or driving or your clothes etc the answer is bloody no it wouldn't!

Dp and I are on the opposite side when it comes to religious beliefs, I have a faith and he more than doesn't! We don't have children together so that's not an issue (I don't know if it would have been)

We follow the I respect you so I won't comment as long as you don't push your beliefs on me rule.

He would never dream of mocking me about my faith just as I would never dream of pushing religion on him. Like you my faith is for me it's private (although I don't hide it either) his beliefs or lack of are his choice and nothing to do with me.

Only an arse hole would treat someone the way your describing how your husband is treating you.

Original poster
Itwasbestoftimesworstoftimes · 17/01/2019 10:45

I also haven’t baptised my dc. They can do that themselves when they’re old if they want

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/01/2019 10:51

I'm an atheist and I think his behaviour was dreadful - including/especially him accusing you of causing a scene. He caused it and should have apologised.

DarlingNikita · 17/01/2019 10:52

Have you asked him why he is behaving like this? If so, what does he say? If not, why not?

I grew up with one parent behaving much like this (although in my case it was one parent mocking and belittling the other's work, which they were passionate about) and I know how manipulative and toxic it is. It is not OK for your children to be subjected to behaviour like this, about religion or anything else.

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/01/2019 10:55

i would say something if he did this in front of other people. he's trying to make himself look big in front of other people, but most people probably think he's a idiot for saying such such, and that's why they laugh but don't engage with the banter. some are probably mortified like you are. if it was a racist comment people would land on him from a great height and rightly so, when did it become okay to be little someones religion ?

RelaxedSelfGuiding · 17/01/2019 10:55

Completely out of order and not the kind of behaviour anyone should be subjected to by their DH or anyone else.

I think a serious talk is in order. If he doesn't see your POV, start keeping a diary of ny put downs, mocking, or anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable - and see if there's a pattern.. If nothing else you will build up evidence of emotional abuse (for that's what it is) and have grounds for divorce for unreasonable behaviour, if you want it.

Fromage · 17/01/2019 11:00

This is nothing to do with religion.

It's do with disrespect. He isn't showing much respect at all for you. Especially given you accept his atheism, you don't bring the children to church, your faith is a private thing, just for you. He might as well be picking on you (which he is) about yoga. Or your chosen haircut. Or your favourite tv show.

So why does he feel the need to mock you for it? He is basically calling you "weak minded" and a "crank" - the reason doesn't matter because it's you he's attacking, not religion itself. For some reason it's become important to him that your children and his family/friends/whoever, start to see you differently. It's like he's trying to discredit you and show that he is somehow "better" than you.

Are you going to call him on it? Personally I would sit down and have a word with him, in the absence of the children. And one thing I'd want to know is, has he always done this, only now he's doing it in front of you, and why in the last year? What's changed?

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