To want to slap the next person who tells me, “it could have been worse!”

[Livelaughlovetoday]

I’m all for looking in the bright side of life. The struggle with my own mental health is real. Saying this my child has been through something traumatic. My child is struggling. When close family members come to know, almost everyone has said, “it could have been worse!”

AIBU?

When someone has a terminal diagnosis at least you have time to accept their mortality.

When someone dies suddenly at least they didn’t suffer.

When someone loses their job at least they don’t have major debt to cover.

If they do have debt and no job, at least the banks aren’t knocking yet.

When your robbed, at least they didn’t hurt you.
When you robbed and hurt, at least they didn’t kill you!

F* off if you tell me my child who has been abused could have had it worse!

I don’t agree with the statements I wrote, but these are things I’ve heard people say and it makes my blood boil.

I don’t believe people mean harm. But it doesn’t comfort us to know that either.

Sometimes it’s just s**t.

I think it’s a natural human response to make awful things more palatable for people.

Yanbu. What a thing to say. Being abused is the worst. It almost sounds like they are trying to minimise/dismiss your ordeal.
Best wishes for you and your dc.

It's something I really dislike too.

Huge sympathy and sorrow for you and your poor child. I hope you both have the support you need to be ok.

I think you’re being a bit unfair, tbh. People want to try to offer some comfort, and whilst it might not come across as such to someone experiencing raw grief/trauma, in most cases such platitudes are offered with benign intent.

I know exactly what you mean.

When my father died aged 75 - 'well it could have been worse, he had a good innings, you can't really complain' - well yes, I could, I was only 23. . .

'If the worst your kids have to go through is a couple of earthquakes, they're doing alright'. . . 'um, they went through a 7.1 and a 6.3, the second of which was the first time a national emergency was called in our country's history, when 186 died, and we spent months going through tens of thousands of aftershocks. . .

Oh, and don't get me started on the competition of who was worst abused, and therefore 'deserves' to be allowed to be traumatised and affected, and not simply 'buck up and get on with it'. . .

I get what you're saying OP.

A lot of people do not have the emotional maturity to accept another person's upset face on and embrace it. They have to minimise to make it easier for themselves in a round about way.

my mother's favorite response to just about anything at all that you share with her is ''never mind''

That's a low blow, Cherries.

YANBU. Yes, in most situations things might be worse, but that's usually something for the victim to voice - people who say such things are not acknowledging the impact of the situation, however well-meaning they might be.

Sorry about your DD, OP

YANBU sometimes life is shit and you should be allowed to say so without people forcing you to feel guilty that it could’ve been worse. Life could always be worse but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be upset about things that happen. You lose a leg and everyone goes ‘it could’ve been worse, you could’ve lost both’. Well yes in theory you could have but you still get to be upset at losing one!!

Yes any sympathy that includes an 'at least' is normally dismissive and nit supportive.

I get what you mean op. I think it's a way for people not to have to think about what you've been through. They minimise it, so they can pretend there's nothing bad to feel. Then they can pretend it really isn't bad, they don't have to feel bad and in their mind you're the unreasonable one for still feeling it.

I agree with you. I was sexually abused as a child by my father and a family member said,”At least you weren’t raped.”

Oh well, that’s okay then- what on earth am I bothered about?!

Sorry about your child OP.

Yanbu. 'It could've been worse'....well it could've been a hell of a lot better as well, in an ideal world the bad thing wouldn't have happened. What a world we live in when we have to be thankful not have come out of anything dead or more severely abused/injured.

I grew up in a family who do this for everything. I basically grew up never talking about my feelings or telling anybody if I was going through shit because there was no point. I am currently going through some major stuff but they have no idea as ''It could be worse.'' No point telling anybody.

My Mother had Alzheimers, & at her funeral a complete pratt said to Dad "it was for the best".

Said pratt wore a "dog collar".

I'm so sorry that your child is going through this (and you, of course).
Some people are just twats. They don't have whatever they would need to see that minimising your/your child's distress in neither helpful nor supportive.

I was told similar things about my child's death. At least it wasn't like she was older, it was hardly a proper bereavement really because I didn't have time to get to know her, that sort of thing. It hurt me then and it makes me feel murderous now.

to all the posters who feel they have had, or probably would have their feelings minimised.

YANBU
Sorry you and your ds are suffering. People say it when they don’t want to deal with your / their emotions or both. As Laiste says it’s about emotional maturity.

Cherries
That sounds horrendous. Equally Yabvu to bring this up as tnough the
Re is some prize of ultimate suffering. This is exactly what op is saying. There is no competition.

DontDribble
Cross post. how thoughtless of people.

In response to my recurrent miscarriages 'at least you know you can get pregnant'. After 6 miscarriages it was really no consolation.

Cherries that's an utterly disgraceful comment.
OP I'm sorry this has happened to you. Try to ignore things like that. They're probably unsure of what to say.

People say things like that to absolve themselves of any need to feel bad for you. They don’t realise that’s what they’re doing of course, and they’d say they mean well - but good intentions aren’t enough, you need to think for 2 seconds before you speak, too.