To want to slap the next person who tells me, “it could have been worse!”

[Livelaughlovetoday]

I’m all for looking in the bright side of life. The struggle with my own mental health is real. Saying this my child has been through something traumatic. My child is struggling. When close family members come to know, almost everyone has said, “it could have been worse!”

AIBU?

When someone has a terminal diagnosis at least you have time to accept their mortality.

When someone dies suddenly at least they didn’t suffer.

When someone loses their job at least they don’t have major debt to cover.

If they do have debt and no job, at least the banks aren’t knocking yet.

When your robbed, at least they didn’t hurt you.
When you robbed and hurt, at least they didn’t kill you!

F* off if you tell me my child who has been abused could have had it worse!

Totally with you. My DS has a lifelong disability, which causes long hospital stays, daily medication and therapy and to be honest daily life is tough.

Forever get comments like "at least he isn't in a wheelchair" or "at least he looks well". There will ALWAYS be a situation worse than what anyone is faced with but that doesn't make the situation any less hard and sympathy coming from that angle just comes across as not taking your problems seriously.

People in our society really struggle and think they are saying something comforting. They don't realise it comes over as minimising the trauma. They mean well, they are just misguided

Hey OP. I am so sorry for you - this happened to me 30 years back - at the time I tried to tell people and they either responded as you say, or almost questioned me on my behaviour as if I was the one doing the abusing! ( which I was obvs unaware of at the time). It has lived with me all my life, I still want to cry if I think about it and the guilt eats you away. I actually never ever tell people any more face to face and it then stops the negativity and explaining. I do not need to tell anyone - it's my pain to deal with alone. I think of it less often, but the hurt is the same to me. I think at the beginning I desperately needed support and help - it wasn't to be found.... I sooo wish I had a forum like this back then.

Forever get comments like "at least he isn't in a wheelchair" or "at least he looks well". There will ALWAYS be a situation worse than what anyone is faced with but that doesn't make the situation any less hard and sympathy coming from that angle just comes across as not taking your problems seriously.

^ Wonder what they say to the child in the wheelchair, 'at least you aren't X, Y, Z'

I used to do this. I have a friend who struggles massively with so many things, some emotional abuse by family, and I have always been there, sort of went through it with her - except I didn't, I knew about it, I saw it happening, I raged with her about the disgusting behaviour of her family members, but it wasn't me it happened to.

Anyway, she used to text me stuff when she was struggling and I would try to find platitudes like that. I genuinely thought that was what she wanted/needed me to do. I thought if I pointed out that while yes, that was crap, there was this, this and this that made it ok (it never made it ok). Then I went on a training course as part of my youth work, and the point was made, as PPs have already said, about acknowledging the pain and not dismissing it, not giving my own opinions or my own experiences.

So now, when she, or anyone, tells me what's hurting them, I acknowledge their pain, and I tell them that what has happened is shit and how they're feeling is utterly justified and is there anything I can do?

I only ever meant my comments with the best of intentions, but if you're suffering, you aren't interested in intentions and don't have the time or the emotion to take that into account.

So I'm really sorry that you and your child are suffering like this OP. It's utterly shit, and a terrible thing to have happened. I hope you have some proper real life support, and give your DC a cuddle from me and tell them that I'm so sorry this has happened to them.

People saying this mean well I'm sure otherwise they say nothing and get accused of not caring at all.

I appreciate your replies. I know people mean well, so I won’t take it personally and actually slap them and tell them to eff off.

I just needed to vent last night... and then thought is it just me?! Lol.

We have support and an imminent court case looming. The perpetrator has been jailed and won’t be able to hurt another child again. (Fingers crossed).

Those of you who are trained in counselling and are taught not to say this - what are some good things to say instead?

YANBU, around here the favoured saying is "worse things happen at sea" it is minimising, unhelpful and sometimes just rude to say things like that.

I'm sorry to hear about the abuse, but I'm glad that you both have support