Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to slap the next person who tells me, “it could have been worse!”

59 replies

Livelaughlovetoday · 16/01/2019 18:57

I’m all for looking in the bright side of life. The struggle with my own mental health is real. Saying this my child has been through something traumatic. My child is struggling. When close family members come to know, almost everyone has said, “it could have been worse!”

AIBU?

When someone has a terminal diagnosis at least you have time to accept their mortality.

When someone dies suddenly at least they didn’t suffer.

When someone loses their job at least they don’t have major debt to cover.

If they do have debt and no job, at least the banks aren’t knocking yet.

When your robbed, at least they didn’t hurt you.
When you robbed and hurt, at least they didn’t kill you!

F* off if you tell me my child who has been abused could have had it worse!

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 16/01/2019 20:01

It's a shit thing to say but sometimes it means 'don't give up hope even though this awful thing has happened'.
It doesn't make the awful thing any better though.

lostelephant · 16/01/2019 20:01

@Cherries101 Yes but it could have been worse, couldn't it?

OP you're not being unreasonable at all. Don't let people make you feel like you're being selfish for being upset. The problems you are dealing with are the biggest problems in the world, because they are YOUR problems.

SoxonFeet · 16/01/2019 20:04

I had this at the GP today. I’ve had some utterly traumatic things happen over the course of the year. GP fully aware and when approached for medication today, I was told that I need to think positively (fine) as I really was quite lucky. Nothing that has happened over the last year makes me lucky. Hence the trauma requiring me to go to the GP for assistance in the first place.

MrsDrudge · 16/01/2019 20:05

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, no one else can put themselves into your shoes in these types of terrible situations.
But mostly people don’t know what to say to comfort you, and are just trying to be helpful.

CrazySheepLady · 16/01/2019 20:07

I'm so sad to hear about what your child has been through, but please don't be angry at people who just want to support you and show their sympathy. You're not in competition with others who have suffered; it's not a race to the bottom. Instead, keep your loved ones close, accept all the support you can and take good care of each other.

I hope the perpetrator goes to prison for a long time.

Jux · 16/01/2019 20:08

It is minimising and it is shit. I think oeople go into a sort of panic and simply don't know what to say.

Parthenope · 16/01/2019 20:10

You’re not in the least unreasonable, it’s a dopey, minimising thing to say, even when we’ll-meant.

toomuchtooold · 16/01/2019 20:16

It's people who don't have the emotional maturity to be present to someone else's pain. I'm really sorry OP.

Iwrotethissongfor · 16/01/2019 20:21

Completely agree and think it’s fine to feel angry and pissed off. I don’t think some people know how to just feel sad for people. It’s always “at least...” with some relentless and often misplaced optimism that diminishes your pain and suffering. It’s not enough for people not to actively want to hurt you, they should think about what they’re saying, engage with the words, think about how they’ll affect you for good or ill. I’ve had the miscarriage one. A least you can get pregnant. Yes it’s marvellous to feel the spark of life then nothingness and not know if you’ll ever have a child of just cycles of hope and pain. family members with cancer: at least they caught it early. Well still pretty shit. Then when passes away: at least they’re not suffering now. Like you’ve won the bloody lottery because someone you loved was in horrific pain and had their life cut short. Why can’t people say: that sounds so fucking awful I’m so sorry to hear this is happening to you. And just sit with you and take your cues?

Btw even if it was top trumps any form of abuse to your child is, in my mind, one of the worst things that I can imagine happening.

I’m really, truly sorry OP. I hope you and your child find some way through this. Life can be very cruel.

redyawn · 17/01/2019 08:01

YANBU. Anyone who is trained in counselling is taught not to react in this way because it is totally unsupportive. Unfortunately most of us are not trained counsellors.....

SwimmingInMuslins · 17/01/2019 08:23

When shits gone south for me, I find it helpful at some point to look at my situation and tell myself that actually in the grand scheme of things - it could have been worse.

But that is a position for me to reach and would at no point be helpful for anyone else to point that out for me at any point.

YANBU, it totally minimises what you (or your child) has been through that's never ok.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 17/01/2019 08:31

'If the worst your kids have to go through is a couple of earthquakes, they're doing alright'. . . 'um, they went through a 7.1 and a 6.3, the second of which was the first time a national emergency was called in our country's history, when 186 died, and we spent months going through tens of thousands of aftershocks. . .

I can totally relate to this. (The fatal earthquake happened 48 hours before we were due to arrive in Christchurch but we emigrated there anyway !)

ToEarlyForDecorations · 17/01/2019 08:41

Kia Kaha is a Maori phrase it translates to something like, 'be strong' if someone said, 'be strong' to me if my house had been trashed by an earthquake and the search and rescue teams told me in no uncertain terms I was NOT allowed back to my own home to collect ANYTHING which includes any pets I would probably want to punch them. Especially if they had no damage or problems caused by an earthquake.

Here's to anyone who wants to punch the 'it could be worse' response person.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 17/01/2019 08:56

I don't think, that there is anything worse, than being abused as a child. Really, what could be worse than that??

And I say this as someone who is disabled after a car accident. Who's son is now a paraplegic due to the accident. I have said myself, that it could've been worse. It's true. At least we didn't die. At least we didn't have brain damage. But I say these things to make life bearable for me.... the person who endured the trauma (and still do every day).

If anyone else says it, it doesn't feel right. It feels like minimization.

Oh, and if I hear one more time about how 'adaptable' children are (he was 5 at the time of the accident), I might actually hit them over the head with my crutch. (Not really, obviously, but I can dream.)

YANBU Op. It's shit. Utterly, utterly shit. And I'm sorry x

Iamtheworst · 17/01/2019 08:58

“It could be worse” is up there with “at least its all behind you now”. Makes me feel like the other person just wants to move the conversation on.

In my case Ds had to be resuscitated, we had a follow up appointment which went fine. So at least that’s behind us! Yup that vision of him getting chest compressions is a mere memory. It could have been worse it’s true.

If people don’t know what to say they should say “I don’t know what to say” and then shut up. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have an honest reaction to these statements. Screaming, crying and lashing all perfectly reasonable as far as I’m concerned.

Gronk27 · 17/01/2019 09:22

In my communication training (regarding mental health) we were taught that when people tell you something they generally want you to listen and empathise. They are not asking you to fix it or make them feel better, although by listening and empathising you probably will make them feel a little better.

MRSMARMITE3 · 17/01/2019 10:07

Ugh I hate this!! The thing is nearly everything could always be worse so it's so pointless!! When I found out my sister had terminal cancer I was obviously devastated. After a week of being sad/angry my DH said " can't you be positive, at least she hasn't just been hit by a bus and you can prepare" IT STILL MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH HIM WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT.

ILoveDaveGrohl · 17/01/2019 10:15

I survived a terror attack and when I have a wobbler I constantly get told it could've been worse. It pisses me off no end. I feel like my horrific experience is being trivialised because I didn't die

irregularegular · 17/01/2019 10:15

I'm sorry you and your child have been through this. I've been through something incredibly difficult recently. People don't always say the right thing. I just try to remember that in the vast majority of cases it come from a good place and that is what matters. There are only a couple of people who have really annoyed me, but that is part of a consistent pattern of behaviour.

I think I've also learned a few things about what to say and do for friends in similar situations in the future. While remembering that everyone and every situation is different.

Birdsgottafly · 17/01/2019 10:24

I would never minimise child abuse.

But until I did a Counselling Course, as in training, I used to throw a positive spin at everything.

I'd been brought up in an abusive household, so I'd been taught to minimise and excuse, all my life.

You see that in regards to DV, Verbal abuse etc. Especially on here, there's always one poster than jumps in to minimise and it isn't from a nasty place (usually), there's history behind that.

It's only when you start asking the questions, why are they doing that, that they think about it.

I questioned an old Man, in the doctors surgery when he started on about the delay in male child abuse victims coming forward, in the famous football coach case.

In the end he agreed that he'd been taught to question allegations against Men in power. He'd never thought about why it bothered him that an abuser was suddenly going to Prison.

Birdsgottafly · 17/01/2019 10:26

"I don't think, that there is anything worse, than being abused as a child. Really, what could be worse than that??"

That could be seen as minimising emotional/physical abuse etc. It's tricky isn't it?

AngeloMysterioso · 17/01/2019 10:26

I have a volunteering role, which requires a lot of compassion. One thing I remember being emphasised during training is that no empathetic sentence starts with the words “at least”. I always try to be mindful of that now.

OutPinked · 17/01/2019 10:30

Hate it too. My DM said it when I had my first missed miscarriage. She basically said “you can always try for another” an hour or so after I’d found out I’d miscarried.

It’s no consolation to anyone, there’s always someone worse off than you in pretty much any situation ever but it doesn’t mean you don’t get to be sad. Flowers sorry this has happened to your DS.

Auntiepatricia · 17/01/2019 10:37

I’m so sorry OP for what you and your child are dealing with.

One thing that I think you need to learn to accept OP is that people who have not gone through what you have will not understand and for their sake, that’s a good thing. But you are right that maybe people need to be better educated in what to say and not to say to other people. The problem is that what one person wants to hear or is comforted by is different to what another person wants to hear.

So a bit of understanding on both sides would help everyone.

Breakawaygirl · 17/01/2019 10:50

I agree, I HATE when people say this.

Sometimes you just have to say, 'I'm here for you, I'm sorry this happened, that does sound really difficult.' Not, 'at least...'

We could say 'at least' about anything which would mean no-one would have a right to be sad or angry ever.

It's like when people say 'well there are starving kids in Africa...'

So what if that starving kid in Africa complaints, 'ah well the house next door has FOUR starving kids so they have it worse than you.'

People suffer in different ways, it's not a contest.

I also think it's an awful way of saying, 'someone has it worse than you so THEY are the ones who deserve the pity not you.' Can't feel good to the person who REALLY has it bad then to know they are the ultimate victim. That's not empowering either.