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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that men do NOT have the right to feel "jealous" of the attention a mother gives to a new baby

69 replies

emkana · 29/06/2007 22:17

Not that my dh did, I hasten to add.

But was talking to a friend who said she made sure she gave special attention to her dp because "men do feel jealous and left out don't they?"

err do they? And even if they do, shouldn't they just get over it? Aren't they bl*ing adults?

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 22:19

I don't think that men 'have the right' but I do think it can be a natural thing for men to feel like a spare part sometimes and I did feel a little sorry for my DP when I realised how lonely he felt while I was transfixed by baby all the time

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/06/2007 22:23

Agree with OP, when it's a newborn.
Obviously it's not fair to completely ignore your partner for months on end, but in the very beginning I don't think you should have to bother about playing nursemaid to your dh's feelings as well as looking after a new baby.

Lyndag · 29/06/2007 22:28

gawd my partner loves our dd so much our convo's are around her anyway dramatic eye roll but we talked about about the this before trying for bubba, and we talked openly about it and said we wouldn't need to accept the shift in relationship and so far (bubba is 3weeks at 00:07 30/6) and we are both focused on her needs but also our own in respect I'm on mat leave so I do night feeds when he gets in from work he takes over and loves every minute of it

SpeccieSeccie · 29/06/2007 22:32

I think maybe men should get over it but it doesn't hurt to look out for their feelings. After all, it is tough to take upheaval in a relationship - whether caused by baby, too much work on or anything else - and really, it's just thoughtful to give them reassurance.

OK, so maybe they might be mature/far-sighted enough to realise that the baby years aren't forever but why not make life more comfortable for them if you can? Wouldn't you want them to do the same in reverse if, say, they were very busy at work but found time to be extra loving when they were with you? Sure, you could be the kind of person who didn't need the attention - but it is nice to get it, no?

poppy34 · 29/06/2007 22:35

yanbu and know dh would say same (remember him telling me how shocked/appalled he was when a bloke at work told him how jealous/fed up he was of his kids as his wife was giving them so much attention).

Original poster
emkana · 29/06/2007 22:36

speccie on the contrary IMO the men should strive to make life more comfortable for the new mums, because they have gone through pregnancy/birth/lack of sleep/potentially feeding probs - so I really don't see why the men should need looking after!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 29/06/2007 22:37

Er, why aren't these men focused on their babies? Why on earth do they need "reassurance" at all - are babies just mothers' concerns?

LadyTophamHatt · 29/06/2007 22:37

I agree Em, totally.

i'd tell him it was tough shit and that my gorgeoues newborn was far more entertaining and interest than him any day. that would shut him up!!

berolina · 29/06/2007 22:37

What MI said.

motherinferior · 29/06/2007 22:38

I needed a hell of a lot of attention after my first baby, you're right, Emkana. I was a physical wreck and very unhappy. For quite a long time.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 22:38

YANBU.

A newborn is just that, a baby. The father is not only supposedly an adult but also a parent.

Who had a child with his wife. Together.

Spider · 29/06/2007 22:39

Mine did. My sister's did. Wankers!

They appear unable to put others first in the way women can and putting others first is a necessity in parenting.

SpeccieSeccie · 29/06/2007 22:40

I do agree emkana about men needing to give more attention to new mums, I suppose that I assume (hope) that if the new mum is loving to the dp it'll just increase general feelings of goodwill and more love/help will be dispensed as a result. I was thinking about how important it is for the dp to be included at this stage and how a mum can help do that.

motherinferior · 29/06/2007 22:41

Now, my two year old needed attention after I'd had her sister, that I can understand. But their father???

motherinferior · 29/06/2007 22:41

I didn't feel particularly loving to my DP. I was quite miserable. And exhausted.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 22:42

Sorry, but I would seriously question my relationship with any 'man' who was so pitifully immature he was jealous of the time his partner has to spend with a newborn baby he chose to father.

I really, really would.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 22:43

My husband was just the opposite, Spider, which was a real boon considering I had severe PND.

With both girls.

moondog · 29/06/2007 22:43

I agree.
What a pile of utter wank the whole notion is.
I would have gone off my dh soooooooooooooo bloody fast if I sensed that he was at all 'put out' by a baby.

Some idiots even bleat on about breastfeeding making men feel jealous.

Well fuck right off then I say.

moondog · 29/06/2007 22:44

lol at 'boon'. (But not at PND ebv.)
Has that word ever been actually uttered out loud I wonder?
Only ever experience it in written form.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2007 22:44

Bravo, moondog!

motherinferior · 29/06/2007 22:45

Frankly, if Mr Inferior had felt jealous of the fact I was huge and baggy and in pain and panicking about how my life had just gone up in smoke and wondering if I'd ever manage any semblance of normality again and feeling constant guilt at not being as blissful as I was supposed to be...

...well, I'd probably have brained him.

SpeccieSeccie · 29/06/2007 22:46

I know it isn't great for a man to feel jealous of a baby, and ideally he wouldn't, but if he does is it so unnatural? Acting on it and being stroppy/unhelpful/unpleasant is another matter, of course, but is just having jealous feelings so wrong?

motherinferior · 29/06/2007 22:46

But what precisely is he jealous of??

mumto3girls · 29/06/2007 22:46

My dp was not nasty or jealous and he did look after me amazingly well. But the baby was glued to my chest and he really wanted to be able to do everything for her too and couldn't b/f obviously...
He was as much in love with her as I was, but he had to leave her for work every day and then come home and wait for his turn to bath her, chcnage nappies etc

He just felt left out sometimes, not jealous.

bighair21 · 29/06/2007 22:47

Moondog - had right chuckl at your "what a pile of utter wank ..." So true though! You sound like a feisty lady!