to think that men do NOT have the right to feel "jealous" of the attention a mother gives to a new baby

[emkana]

Not that my dh did, I hasten to add.

But was talking to a friend who said she made sure she gave special attention to her dp because "men do feel jealous and left out don't they?"

err do they? And even if they do, shouldn't they just get over it? Aren't they bl*ing adults?

i told dh his life would be hell for 6 months

then when it wasnt actually hell he felt quite chuffed

I wasn't a child. But yes, I did feel left out. I think if you feel that all-consuming devotion then it's hard to imagine anyone else not feeling it or feeling slightly resentful of it. But I did feel those things. Clearly IWBU!

I see no problem with acknowledging that men also might find the birth of a baby difficult. Acknowledging that doesn't detract from the fact that mothers also find it difficult, in different ways.

I think some mothers also make it more difficult for themselves by not allowing the father to share in the care of the newborn baby. Then they wonder why, six months down the line, the poor bloke doesn't feel able to do anything and they get no time to themselves.

I made it very clear to my DH from the start that just the fact that I'd given birth to this baby did not mean I automatically knew the best way to do everything. Or indeed, how to do anything at all.

But do men have the 'right' to feel jealous? Well, we all have a right to our feelings. Telling blokes to shut up and stop being such a twat would not, in this instance, help, I think. Sitting down and talking about why he feels jealous and what HE can do to help out might. For example, my DH felt very bad that he wasn't able to help with the feeding as DS was breastfed. So it became his job to give DH his bedtime expressed feed. Gave me a break, made him feel wanted, gave him special time with DS. Worked all round.

"think some mothers also make it more difficult for themselves by not allowing the father to share in the care of the newborn baby. Then they wonder why, six months down the line, the poor bloke doesn't feel able to do anything and they get no time to themselves"

I agree with that. But do men have 'a right' to feel jealous? Yes of course they do. They have a right to feel any emotion they like. But do they have the right to act it out or expect huge efforts from anyone else. No. They don't. Priority is the baby and if both parents don't see that they have a big problem. It's a b*gger being a grown-up sometimes isn't it? But unless you are, it seems a bit stupid having a child.

God, my DP freaked out and started whining about how he didn't feel "like him" anymore and about how he wanted to be able to play football and be in a band again. All I wanted to do was to be able to piss without painkillers. You can imagine how that went down. Silly sod.

Of course, there's a big difference between the man who feels that everything has changed and he's a bit of a spare part and wants to be more involved, and the man who can't see why wifey isn't up for a shag a week after having her insides reamed out and moans about how the baby's changed her and then disappears down the pub for the next three years.

I am all up for giving the former a bit of a break and a kind word every now and again, and the latter a sharp talking to, and, failing that, a boot up the arse.

And of course the priority is the baby. But happy parents are also necessary for a happy baby. It doesn't help the baby if mum is feeling stressed and exhausted and alone and dad is feeling left out and miserable.

I think they're entitled to feel it but they should be grown up enough to deal with it and not let it affect anyone else. Expecting their OH to deal with it for them as well as a new baby is unreasonable.

Agree bouquets. And it's fair enough to expect men to know that there is a right time and a wrong time to bring these things up. Three days after traumatic birth with screaming child and wife with bleeding nipples is Wrong Time. A few months down the line when child is sleeping more than half an hour at a time and nipples are no longer torture is Better Time.

My DP dealt with these feelings by not speaking to me for a couple of days when DS was about a week old. Apparently I was being short with him so he decided to steer clear of me. Thus leaving me all alone with a new babe who wanted to BF every 2 mins and cried a lot. It was very lonely and grim.

Can you tell I'm still a bit pissed off?

Haven't read whole thread...

OK so on the face of it is seems selfish for men to get jealous and feel pushed out by a new baby. And I agree you shouldn't have to make an 'extra' effort when you ahve a tiny baby as its all you can do to look after them.

But sometimes you can't help your feelings and I think if a man was honest enough to admit this calling him selfish and telling him to p*ss off would be grossly unfair. Having a new baby is a really hard time for everyone (although the rewards more than made up for it in my case) and I think just listening and understanding if thats how he feels is better than anything else.

It took my dh several months to really bond with our son and while it was hard and at times I found this frustrating I think its somethinga lot of men go through but are too scared to talk about. Wouldn't it be better if they could be honest about it rather than made to feel bad? And don't you have times where you just need to cry from sheer exhaustion and need a cuddle and reassurance from them too?

SO you're not being unreasonable to suggest they deal with it but I do think you are being a bit critical in the way you cam accross. Great for you if everything was fine and he just took to it like a duck to water. But its not like that for everyone and it doesn't make a man a bad father for admitting some of these feelings. Dh couldn't be a better dad to ds.

Yes, bohemianbint, I too would have been mightily pissed off if my DH had behaved that way.

It's funny, though, I kind of had the opposite - he bonded with DS instantly and adored him from the word go. It took me a very long time to learn to love DS, in fact I freely admit I felt nothing for him and hated him in the beginning. I was jealous of DH for doing what I was supposed to do. He was supposed to be the one feeling like the useless spare part...not me!

Huge readjustment for both parents. If they both go back to work quickly as many of us do then there isn't quite the same problem or issue which is one solution. At 3 weeks it was my husband having to be home for 6pm when the nanny left so that kind of increases their interaction with and adult parenthood role establishment. I'd recommend it.

My friend's bloke went one better and left her two days after the birth. The arse.

Completely agree men should behave like the grown-ups they are supposed to be.

This'll make you laugh.

BIL's comments after the birth of their child - the midwives are all lesbians because all they're concerned about is the mother all the time.

It's a rude shock for some of them not to be the centre of attention.

I suppose it's too much to hope for that your sister then instantly left her twatty husband for the love and support of a good woman, NoBiggy?

That'd be a laugh wouldn't it!

It's dp's brother. His wife is rather downtrodden (by everyone, sadly).

"It's a rude shock for some of them not to be the centre of attention."
Do you mean grandmothers? I've certainly read some stories on MN that backs this up.

I do wonder whether men who are jealous have possibly been spoilt by having every little thing done for them before, and always being the centre of their partner's attention.

On the other hand, some people are just jealous by nature: they have a predisposition for it.