to think that men do NOT have the right to feel "jealous" of the attention a mother gives to a new baby

[emkana]

Not that my dh did, I hasten to add.

But was talking to a friend who said she made sure she gave special attention to her dp because "men do feel jealous and left out don't they?"

err do they? And even if they do, shouldn't they just get over it? Aren't they bl*ing adults?

Point taken Speccie.
He can feel however the hell he wants to feel-as long as he says nowt about it.

Am v. sensible in real life big hair.

mumto3girls - that's slightly different though, I can sort of understand a certain sadness not to be able to experience the unique relationship a mother has with her baby.

What I can't understand is a man begrudging the time/attention a woman gives to the baby.

dh sometimes sighed and said 'I wish i could do what you do' (i.e. bf, and hence comfort ds instantly - he was actually a SAHD from 5 months, so it wasn't that side of things - I wished I could be a SAHM, ironically).

But that's 'jealousy' (well, envy) of a certain relationship with the baby, not of lack of attention. I too think if dh had started sulking about no longer being the centre of my life, he'd have got pretty short shrift.

That's not a man, em, that's a juvenile.

I do accept my experience of early motherhood, especially the first time round, was so damn awful that I cannot imagine anyone envying it.

[Hallo berolina btw - you well?]

I suspect that men who feel "jealous" are the ones that don't muck in and share the care of their newborn. Dh loved/loves his daddy & ds time and pretty much takes over when he gets in at night and at weekends - bliss

TBH it wouldn't even cross my mind to consider Dh's feelings were any differnet to mine about the whole birth/newborn/bonding thing.

I just assume he's enjoying the whole thing as much as me.

If he felt jealous or pushed out or any other stupid thing like that I tell him to pull himslef together and stop being so pathetic.

I suspect the sulky/moody/stroppy 'man' who behaves this way is in fact the utter pile of wank moondog referred to.

You have to admit though that it depends how much attention the mum gives the baby and for how long.

My dh began to vocalise his disatisfaction with the approach of each baby's first birthday, signalling in turn the anniversary of our co-sleeping arrangements with that baby.

I don't know Spider.

I b/fed both dd's for over two years, intend to do the same with ds, if he wants to, and co-slept with the dd's for a long time, and ds still in our bed for the forseeable future.

If dh felt he could object to that then I would not be happy, tbh.

My dad and all five of his siblings co-slept and bf'd for the first 2 years of their lives.

His parents were married for over 50 years - happily - till the death of his father.

Oh.
Just my DH then. Again.

As DH often says, this is my child, too.

He also sees the long-term.

As in, they're going to grow up and leave home and we'll have our time to be just the two of us again.

And we'll cherish it even more then.

sounds like her DP needs to grow up. Or she needs to be less possesive of the sprog.

With DS1 I used to constantly hang over DH, making sure he was doing everything 'the right way'. He had to sit me down and point out he had a say. Hard for me, being a bit bossy

Well, I was actually slightly jealous of DH after ds was born. They hit it off straight away. We didn't. So I have a certain sympathy for dads who also feel a little left out.

good points Highlander. On the surface it sounds like the father's being immature if he's 'put out' by the newborn. But sometimes new mothers are simply too possessive. Every child has two parents, and maybe sometimes dads do feel sidelined if the mother feels like she's the only one who can possibly tend to their baby's needs and can never let her baby out of her sight for a minute. I have a friend who gave birth recently who wouldn't let her husband drive to town and do the supermarket shop with their 3 week old baby while she had a rest. The baby was fed, changed and likely to sleep through the whole thing, but my friend said she couldn't bear the idea of the baby being out of the house without her, and also 'didn't trust anyone else yet' to drive with the baby alone!! I wonder how her poor husband felt about this lack of trust?

TBH I doubt I would have let DH take DS4(or any of the others) out alone at that age either ebenezer.

But then...he wouldn't have anyway. The thought of it would scare him half to death.

At 3 weeks I wanted to be right next to my baby all the time as well, I just felt this really overpowering emotion that I needed to be close to my babies.

Dh understood.

And what about the father's emotions? I just think it's omportant not to lose sight of the fact that fathers too feel overwhelming life changing emotions with the birth of their children. We can't have it both ways - if we want our partners to truly share the experience of parenting we've got to allow them to do it.

Mine had never been jealous of his own children and I didn't ignore him anyway. No special treatment needed and yes I do think they should just get over it if they feel like that. Dh agrees too and can't understand men like that.

DH laughs at how different it all is with DS2